How do I deal with ungrateful relatives

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SeanF1989

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I was taking care of my cousin (he is 13) while his parents were going out and he had some birthday money to spend in town, all my other adult relatives busy so I said I would take him into town.

The whole day he was rude, ungrateful and arrogant.

He constantly answered me back, swore at me and wouldn’t listen. He even told me “You didn’t have to take me into town” he never thanked me at all.

Keep in mind this is a cousin who nobody else bothers with, every time he visits I always make the effort to see him (I feel sorry for him) and a lot of other relatives have negative things to say about him but I have always defended him and urged people to look for the good in him.

I feel so stupid asking this being an adult (26) but what should I do?
 
There is an expression: offer it up to God. Think of it as a sacrifice for Him. Don’t say anything. Just don’t ever offer to do anything like that for your cousin again.
 
Don’t do him anymore favors until he learns to be decent. 13-year-olds are not always the best of company. Frankly, they’re straight up gross at times. He will grow out of it, most likely. However, you don’t have to take the abuse in the mean time.
 
There’s a Japanese anime fan expression for this: “tsundere.”

Basically, it’s somebody who can’t stand to admit that she’s happy or touched by some kind gesture, so she acts like an angry brat all the time.

A lot of teenagers act this way. They’re unhappy and they’re mad at the world, and they are afraid to feel vulnerable or to owe anything to anybody. Sometimes this turns into a permanent bad attitude, sometimes not.

This kid specifically? Obviously in a bad mood because of the other family members being busy, probably feeling rejected, so of course he can’t admit that you’re doing him any favors.

Expecting gratitude from a hormonal teenager? Heh. That will probably show up two days afterward, in the middle of the night, and the kid will probably be too ashamed to thank you at that point.

You do have the right to demand decent behavior, but a lot of times it’s easier to break kids out of a funk by making them laugh, or doing something strange that they didn’t expect. (You’re not his mom or dad, so you’re outside the family hierarchy and power struggles, at least a bit.)

Good luck!
 
Doesn’t sound terribly unusual for a teenager – don’t take it personally, they won’t be a teenager forever. 🙂
 
I have a rule: Don’t try to give more charity than you have to give. Your intention was good, but you tried to give what you do not have to give.

You knew there was a reason that no one else wants to be around him, right? OK, decide if you’re going to be around him in spite of his bad manners or if you are no longer going to give pity someone who doesn’t deserve it and (as nearly as I can tell) does not want your pity, anyway.

Store this away for the next time you are supervising a bad-mannered little squirt: Do not give extra chances to violate a rule that he or she knows well. If you are not certain whether or not the person you are supervising knows that they are being rude, then offer a gentle correction. Hope for an apology, but at least expect that a reasonably polite person will amend their actions when they find they have offended someone. (Sometimes someone who has embarrassed himself or herself will be too ashamed to apologize, and will try to act as if nothing has happened.) If the young person keeps up with behavior that is rude, rather than just having bad habits and forgetting themselves in spite of making an effort to do better, take them home. Just bring whatever you are doing to a halt, turn the car around and go back. They may squawk about it or claim they meant no harm, but do not allow any self-serving backpedaling. Just say something to this effect: *You have just learned something about me: I don’t expect anyone to be perfect, but I do not accept purposefully rude behavior. If you were an adult, I’d get up and leave if I knew you were so willing to offend me. As it is, you’re not an adult, so I have to take you home and hand you off to your parents. You have a right to expect people to treat you with respect and so do I. I have held up my end of the bargain. You have not. If this means you don’t want me supervising you from here on, I will have to live with that as the price of expecting to be treated decently. I can live with that. I love you dearly, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll let you make me into a doormat. If you disagree, then we’ll just have to agree to disagree. *

As for what you tell the parents, I’d just say that we had a difference of opinion about how to act in public and that I had decided we needed to come home. That’s all…I would say I don’t think the matter needs to be dealt with beyond that. I would not tattle or look for the parents to make their child deal with any consequences beyond what I already had.
 
Loving ungrateful people is the most Christ like thing we can do. Christ loved the ungrateful, poured himself out for their salvation, and they still murdered him.

This world is tough, but the next world is worth every effort, disappointment, and trial.

By serving the ungrateful, we have acted as Jesus commanded in today’s Gospel reading…we die to ourselves for the good of others…so what you have done is the thing that Jesus said is the greatest one can do for another.

Peace and all good!
 
SeanF1989 said:
I was taking care of my cousin (he is 13) while his parents were going out and he had some birthday money to spend in town, all my other adult relatives busy so I said I would take him into town.

The whole day he was rude, ungrateful and arrogant.

He constantly answered me back, swore at me and wouldn’t listen.
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At the first swear word, I would have said, “Clearly, you are in no mood to be out in public. Let’s go home.” And mean it.
He even told me “You didn’t have to take me into town” he never thanked me at all.
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Keep in mind this is a cousin who nobody else bothers with, every time he visits I always make the effort to see him (I feel sorry for him) and a lot of other relatives have negative things to say about him but I have always defended him and urged people to look for the good in him.
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Nobody, least of all a teenager, likes to be felt sorry for. He doesn’t want to have to be grateful for favours; he wants people to like him and want to be with him. Unfortunately, he’s a rude little brat, and difficult to be with - and that’s his cross to carry; not yours.
I feel so stupid asking this being an adult (26) but what should I do?
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Admit that everyone else was right about him, stop feeling sorry for him, and do things you feel like doing, either with him or not, without feeling the need to be thanked for it.
 
Dacinom said:
Wow, I am surprised at the number of people here that think his behavior was typical for a teenager! Maybe I am living a sheltered life.
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The swearing, rudeness, and disrespect are probably more this particular kid’s issue, but ungratefulness runs pretty rampant at that age. Many kids at that age actually resent an adult being nice to them because they don’t want to feel obligated and they don’t like the feeling that they aren’t old enough to do for themselves yet.

I remember an argument I had with my mom at that age about some towels she had bought me. I was expected to be grateful about the new towels, but I felt that they were just her way of controlling the way I dried my hair. See, I used to put my hair in a towel after a shower and go back to my room to let it dry and then brush it out and braid it while it was damp. I even had a special hair towel that I used. It was an old beach towel that I would hang on a hook on the back of my bedroom door. She felt, for whatever reason, that I should be blow-drying my hair instead and this really gnawed at her until she couldn’t stand it any longer and one day she threw out my hair towel and declared that she didn’t want any ratty beach towels hanging around her house and that she was buying me a set of “decent” towels that I was not going to be allowed to take to my room. She then proceeded to get on the phone and tell anyone who would listen how ungrateful I was about her buying me new, expensive towels, all my own. It was all a power trip. (And to this day, there is not a hair dryer in my home.)

Anyway, my point is, tweens get into the habit of power tripping very easily, especially if they are used to being manipulated. So any kind action from an adult may be viewed with suspicion. Most kids would have the social skills to keep this to themselves and not be outright offensive, but obviously the kid in question has some boundary issues.
 
Dacinom said:
Wow, I am surprised at the number of people here that think his behavior was typical for a teenager! Maybe I am living a sheltered life.

I was a teenager once, and behaving that way would have never occurred to me. I also know of other teenagers that even though they are awkward and embarrassed and are not always socially perfect they are not flat-in-your-face abusive and rude. I raised several teens and yes, they can be extremely moody but the worst behavior is usually thrust upon the parents, not someone else that is trying to be nice to them.

You can handle this now very quickly, call him on the phone and tell him that you love him and care about him but that the way he treated you was not nice. Tell him you understand people can be in bad moods, but you do not want someone to swear at you and treat you that way. Let him know that the next time he does this your visit will end immediately and KEEP YOUR WORD. He will test you on this, believe me. You don’t have to yell at him, simply smile and tell him “I love you but I don’t care for this behavior so I am sorry our visit is over.” and get up and walk out.

He could be troubled, he could have some learning disabilities or other issues, however this kind of behavior still needs to be corrected. Gently and lovingly corrected, but still corrected.
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I have known several well-mannered 13 year olds, and I cannot tell you how many expressions of astonishment their civility has won for them. I have literally had a man tell me of one 13-year-old relative: “He’s amazing. I don’t like 13 year olds. I didn’t even like being around myself when I was 13 years old! I’d like to be around him any time.” He could hardly believe that such a creature existed as a pleasant, well-mannered and personable 13 year old. He thought they were all either uncommunicative or outright rude.
 
Neofight said:
Loving ungrateful people is the most Christ like thing we can do. Christ loved the ungrateful, poured himself out for their salvation, and they still murdered him.

This world is tough, but the next world is worth every effort, disappointment, and trial.

By serving the ungrateful, we have acted as Jesus commanded in today’s Gospel reading…we die to ourselves for the good of others…so what you have done is the thing that Jesus said is the greatest one can do for another.

Peace and all good!
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You are right. Yes, it is true that the Lord told us to be perfect as the Father is perfect, who “makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.” (Matt. 5:48). It is better to have greater charity.

What does not work is to give to the ungrateful and then get upset about it when they are just as ungrateful to you as they are to everyone else. Should we flatter ourselves, that our generosity and our goodness is more to be recognized than anyone else’s? Either give with the acceptance that when others show no gratitude that it will be God who will repay you or else do not give. Expect that of all who deserve thanks, you are the least.

If you have expectations, however, be clear about what you expect. Do not pretend to expect nothing while in honesty you put up unspoken expectations like invisible flaming hoops for others to jump through in order to please you. Do not give and then allow yourself to resent it when others don’t thank you enough. In that case, you have given beyond the limits of your charity. If you are going to do that, it is better resolve not give at all, in order to not give beyond what is wanted nor beyond what you can give freely.

Still, you are right: We do need to find ways to make our hearts more generous. We need to push ourselves to be more charitable than we are. Sometimes, though, it is better to give to those we expect less of, and work our way up to showing generosity in more difficult situations.
 
Keep being kind. It may take him years, but he will remember and appreciate it someday.

You said you’re 26–he’s a baby by comparison - you will feel worse if you start reacting like a teenager. Try not to take it personally & God bless you!
 
The behaviors of a 13-year old can be thoughtless, indeed. They usually outgrow it. However, dealing with them in the moment can try the patience of saints. A lot of what kids say is emulating other teens, or television-based trash. Many sitcoms are put-down fests. No small wonder why many teens have attitudes that need adjustment.

It’s a matter of environment. I was in DFW airport not long ago, having a quick breakfast at McDonald’s. There was a group of teens on a mission trip who were having breakfast as well. They were the most polite, well-mannered kids that I have ever encountered in public. Friendly, respectful, etc. All of the good things. It reflected the careful influence of their adult teachers and chaperones. It was impressive to the point of being remarkable.

So teens can be very well behaved and mature if the expectation is established and nurtured properly. Those kids had Christian values and it showed.
 
I would continue to offer infrequent opportunities to spend time together where there is little inconvenience to you. Set your ground rules at the outset and, if they’re breached, end the outing. He needs to know that someone cares about him, and that one episode won’t poison a relationship. By the same token, he needs to accept responsibility for his actions, namely the natural consequence that behaving unpleasantly drives people away.

You could also call him on his behaviour on the spot and discuss why he does it. There might be some bottled up feelings that he is unable to express to other adults in his life.
 
A lot of people who were rude idiots when they were 13 will not blame those who didn’t want to be around them. They do marvel and keep some fondness for those who rolled with the punches and were willing to do the work to be around them. That is fine, but not many who aren’t parents can manage that without losing their tempers. Some can, but some don’t have that kind of patience, especially not prior to both marriage and 30 years old.
 
You must have known, on some level, what you were in for before you started out with this child. You must have heard from the others what he was like, and yet, you still went out and spent the day with him. It seems to me that you have a reason to spend time with this child, that is more than just receiving gratitude and thankyou’s from him in return. Obviously if an ego boost was what you were looking for, by salvaging the lost one that nobody else had the stomach for, then you will not return for a second opportunity. However, it seems to me that you had a higher motive than your own self reward. Sometimes young people ‘act out’ because that is just a defense mechanism: maybe they are testing you, to see if you have the stamina to stick with them, since everybody else has left them or somehow let them down in their life. There is more to this child than meets the eye, and I think maybe you are aware of that. 🙂
 
It might be typical teenage behavior – I don’t believe that, but for the sake of argument… That doesn’t mean that you have to sign up to receive it.

If he’s going to be an ungrateful snit, then I’m not going to be around him. Maybe he’ll outgrow it, maybe he won’t. But if people will refuse to be around him; maybe he’ll get the picture.
 
Dacinom said:
Thank you for sharing your story, I agree with you completely.

I totally understand the rudeness and disrespect as I raised and am raising many children. However it has been my experience that generally the worst behavior is thrust on the parents. Just like your example of the towels and I can think of many from my own life and family, it is usually in the home and with close family where most conflict arises.

My shock, I guess was that others thought this rather “routine” behavior for a somewhat distant person/relative. Most teens that I know are not like that, meaning swearing deliberately and being nasty and abusive.

I suggest to the original poster that this behavior is pointed out, and gently corrected. Yes, it is Christlike to serve others and to bear wrongs patiently. It is also one of the Spiritual works of mercy to admonish the sinner. I think as long as you are careful not to shame him or humiliate him it would be good to point out that his behavior was hurtful and you do not desire to be hurt that way in the future. You should do this gently and with much love and don’t lose your temper but be firm. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance as this young person could easily be troubled by many things.
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Some children actually wait for a public forum to unleash their worst.

You described the situation very well, though. 👍
 
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