I am really struggling with anger, hatred, and unforgiveness towards someone who has mistreated me and her family has mistreated my family. I know the way of Christ is the way of love and forgiveness, and I really want to do that. But I’m a little bit at a loss as to how to do that. I know that God only forgives us if we forgive others and I want to be merciful but I don’t know how. I keep thinking of her and feeling angry and wanting something bad to happen to her… and I know this is wrong. What can I do?
Have not read other responses so forgive if I repeat.
First thing to do of course is to pray.
But then the question becomes how to pray and what to pray for.
In this case you need to be concerned, not with the person who you want to forgive, the person who hurt you, but rather with what prevents you from being able to “feel” and then act on forgiveness.
Simply praying three rosaries, or five divine mercy chaplets won’t answer this type of question. What is needed here is prayer of quiet contemplation on the underlying reasons for your not being able to let go of your anger.
You seem ready to forgive, and even desire to forgive, but why??? Is it fear or Love??
You say you know your anger is wrong, but is it “wrong” because God will punish, or is it wrong becuase it offends Him who you Love above all else.
So - Are you seeking To “avoid punishment” or seeking to “grow in Love”.
This is an important distinction. Fear of punishment can lead us to looking at, “How much must I forgive”. In other words - How far must I go in order to avoid hell. It seek gain for me but nothing for the person I am forgiving. Love on the other hand seeks not to “avoid hell” but to embrace God, and through that embracing of God, be able to embrace our neighbor - even those who are not very “Lovable”. True forgivenss grows from this.
So in short. Sit quietly in prayer, contemplative, reflective, silent prayer - before the Eucharist if possible. Use some scripture reading or formal prayer to quiet you rmind, but then just sit and reflect upon this question. Wait upon God to enlighten you. It will take time. It likely wond’t come while your sitting in contemplation or even all at once. The answer may come when you least expect it - at 3 am, or in the shower, or driving your car but the answers will come and you will find that the answers will fill more than just the need for this one issue, but will give guidance in many areas.
In the meantime, forgive on the surface. Make the decision to forgive even though you don’t “feel” it and still have trouble with bad thoughts. Act on this decision. This doesn’t mean that you have to run over and hug this person, but don’t avoid them. Act cordially toward them, smile, say hello. Pray for them. In no time, you’ll find that it doesn’t matter how they treat you, they may ignore you or sneer or grunt or whatever, you will know that you are showing Christ to this person.
Hope this helps.
Peace
James
I hope this helps. There may also be something to “forgive and forget”. Try not to think of those who hurt you (after praying for them). It’s hard to forgive those who severly hurt you and/or messed things up seriously for you. Maybe it could mean just getting over your hatred towards them. I certainly haven’t solved the problem completely for myself.