How do I encourage hubby to

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**step up as spiritual leader of our household?

He is a faithful Catholic (as am I) and now that we have a child we both realize it is important to really make sure we are living our faith and projecting it outward instead of just letting it rest in our own hearts.

We have talked about his role as spiritual leader a few times and, while he agrees that he needs to step up, nothing much happens. We don’t pray together as a couple or a family. The only out loud prayer on his end is saying a short grace at meals.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to be more of a leader, I just don’t think he knows how. Now, my personality IS more of a leader type so I want to know how to encourage him without taking over, directing, nagging, or making him feel like he HAS to do it. Help!**

I think it is really important for a child to see the father as a leader and to really make God a part of daily life. I do that as well but hubby would really resent it if I took over that role…

 

[whatevergirl]

Sometimes, you just have to keep praying and asking. Praying and asking…encouraging…supporting…discussing…and praying some more. lol

My dh and I had a similiar situation. He is a good Catholic man, but I was always the one rallying the troops for mass, and engaging us to read the Bible together…etc…then, my dd started asking him to become more involved…like she’d ask…‘dad, will you read the Bible with us tonight?’

Now, he rallies the troops…and asks dd to read the daily mass readings to us…he asks her questions about the Lord, and teaches our son a lot more now. Off the top of my head, I’d say it took about two years of my asking, praying about it, and encouarging him to take a more active role in becoming the spiritual head of household. It doesn’t say in the Bible that men are born this way…so a little healthy coaxing is not a bad thing.

As your dd gets older, she will take an active role in asking your dh to become more involved like my dd. Kids are not shy. lol

Hope this helps.

 

[mrsfrazier]

Malia, I could have written this post myself. I hope others have good things to say…

 

[pierced77]

Certain things need to get done in marrages and in families, for example praying together. If you feel called to lead your family or husband in prayer by all means do so. God has annointed your husband to be the leader and stronghold maybe in ways you are not recognizing. You are not hurting your family or his role as the leader by encouraging prayer. By getting the prayer in, the entire family will grow in grace, love, and devotion. Possibly, your husband will eventually develop the specific spiritual roles your are looking for him to take on.

As a father and husband I am very outspoken about my wife/family praying together. I call my kids to be holy because I’m leading the way in holiness. However, through the years my passion and drive can dim, and I am happy to see my wife step up and pick up the slack.

 

[mizznicole]

Is he interested in the Knights of Columbus or any groups like that? It might help him with practicals.

I also like the Popcak’s “family mission statement” exercise, where you write down virtues that your family especially enjoys modeling and living in the world. You then structure family time (and discipline) around your mission. Something like that might be a good way for everyone to get more intentional about the spirituality of the family.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

As your dd gets older, she will take an active role in asking your dh to become more involved like my dd. Kids are not shy. lol

Hope this helps.

**
Thanks for sharing your story, it does help:thumbsup:**

Malia, I could have written this post myself. I hope others have good things to say…

Glad I’m not the only one

Certain things need to get done in marrages and in families, for example praying together. If you feel called to lead your family or husband in prayer by all means do so.
**
I don’t know if I am being called to lead… I don’t think so. I am trying to figure out how to be a good wife and help my husband to be as holy as he can be though.**

God has annointed your husband to be the leader and stronghold maybe in ways you are not recognizing.

**While that is entirely possible, obviously if I am not recognizing them then I don’t know what to thank him for. Help
**
You are not hurting your family or his role as the leader by encouraging prayer.
**
But that is my question…how do I encourage prayer? **

Is he interested in the Knights of Columbus or any groups like that? It might help him with practicals.

With his job he cannot commit himself to anything like that…

I also like the Popcak’s “family mission statement” exercise, where you write down virtues that your family especially enjoys modeling and living in the world. You then structure family time (and discipline) around your mission. Something like that might be a good way for everyone to get more intentional about the spirituality of the family.

Sounds like a good idea…I’ll have to look into that more, thanks!

 

[QuietTimes]

I feel like I am in same boat, and I know many women of today struggle with this also.
I am not sure about how to go about it either other than just praying for my husband all the time. Offering up his lack of support in this important role he called to.

 

[EmBee]

My FI and I were just discussing this! I always look to him for spritual guidance and he’s always there for me, but I feel like I have to get the conversation started all the time. He says a prayer before meals, but I always have to suggest an evening prayer, or a rosary, etc. With our wedding fast approaching and the thought of raising little ones, I’ve been adament about him taking a more proactive stance in our relationship as spiritual leader. During discussions, he is 100% up for the challenge, but I find myself always having to initiate. A few nights ago he said “Mary, I have no problem leading once I get started, I just need you to keep me going.” Keeping us on the right path is very important to him, he just doesn’t think about it all the time (I’ve found that women can think about tens of thousands of things at once while men seem to stick to just one or two at a time …).

Every night before I go to bed I text him “Don’t forget to pray tonight!”. Sometimes with his busy schedule, he forgets to set aside some time for prayer. If I remind him at night, he gets at least a few minutes before zonking out. That seems to help, but again - I’m the one initiating. Perhaps a little nudge in the right direction to get him started is how it will always be ?

–

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Every night before I go to bed I text him “Don’t forget to pray tonight!”. Sometimes with his busy schedule, he forgets to set aside some time for prayer. If I remind him at night, he gets at least a few minutes before zonking out. That seems to help, but again - I’m the one initiating. Perhaps a little nudge in the right direction to get him started is how it will always be ?

–

**
That doesn’t sound too bad:thumbsup:. Kind of along the lines of making sure our families (hubby’s included) eat healthy and have regular check ups. Just seems to part of a wife’s role I guess. If your future hubby wants you to “remind” him then I think you should go with it and be happy.

My problem is that some problems in our marriage have lead to some hyper sensitivity on both our parts. Any “encouraging” on my end gets taken as nagging no matter how I try to phrase it or how good my intentions are. So I guess I will pray harder. This is out of my hands:shrug:**

 

[rayne89]

You can start a routine. We read the Bible everynight as a family as we’re tucking our daughter in. She’s almost 13 but we still gather in her room for Bible reading and nightly prayers. Just hand hubby the Bible and make it daddy’s responsibilty to read God’s word to the family. You can start with the Gospels especially since Lily is young. Just a small paragraph or two. I had an active one too (although not quite as yours) so she may not even pay much attention, she may stand on her head, bounce around…whatever it doesn’t matter.

We did not use a children’s Bible. In the beginning she probably didn’t understand much, but it was the routine that mattered. My husband is not comfortable with coming up with with his own prayer so he has a special memorized prayer he says after the Bible (it came from a prayer card from the pope during the 2000 jubilee). Then we all say regular prayers (Our Father, Hail Mary, Act of Contrition etc.) It’s a good way for kids to learn them. In the beginning our daughter was too small to even know them but after a while she joined us. Then I finish with spontanious petitions (and my daughter adds hers too.)

Just one idea.

 

[whatevergirl]

**
That doesn’t sound too bad:thumbsup:. Kind of along the lines of making sure our families (hubby’s included) eat healthy and have regular check ups. Just seems to part of a wife’s role I guess. If your future hubby wants you to “remind” him then I think you should go with it and be happy.

My problem is that some problems in our marriage have lead to some hyper sensitivity on both our parts. Any “encouraging” on my end gets taken as nagging no matter how I try to phrase it or how good my intentions are. So I guess I will pray harder. This is out of my hands:shrug:**

Your second paragraph caught my eye…my husband used to react similiarly…calling my support or encouragement…nagging. I finally told him one day…‘is that so you don’t have to deal with it? If you call me a nag, then I will just drop it?’

I said nothing else, and walked out of the room. There was a day or two of tension, and then he came to me and said…that I was right, that he didn’t want to deal with it…and that he appreciated my encouragement, but that he didn’t know how to go about becoming the spiritual leader. So, we did it together. I don’t believe that it’s the sole role of the man of the home, to rally the family together to go to mass, pray, etc…it is a joint effort. The wife shouldn’t kick back, and just wait for progress…sometimes, it takes her urging to get things going.

I wouldn’t advocate picking a fight…lol, but I would definitely become firm when your dh uses the ‘nagging clause’ to get out of the discussion. I can relate, and trust me…sometimes, you just have to be firm in your stance, without being rude…and helping your loved ones to change.

Hope it helps you, too.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Thanks Rayne! That sounds like a wonderful family tradition…something I am sure your daughter will cherish forever

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I said nothing else, and walked out of the room. There was a day or two of tension, and then he came to me and said…that I was right, that he didn’t want to deal with it…and that he appreciated my encouragement, but that he didn’t know how to go about becoming the spiritual leader. So, we did it together. I don’t believe that it’s the sole role of the man of the home, to rally the family together to go to mass, pray, etc…it is a joint effort. The wife shouldn’t kick back, and just wait for progress…sometimes, it takes her urging to get things going.

I wouldn’t advocate picking a fight…lol, but I would definitely become firm when your dh uses the ‘nagging clause’ to get out of the discussion. I can relate, and trust me…sometimes, you just have to be firm in your stance, without being rude…and helping your loved ones to change.

Hope it helps you, too.

Only a day or two and then he apologized??? Wow, I have things that have festered for years that he wouldn’t dream of apologizing for:shrug:…so that is why I tread with caution…

 

[rayne89]

I would not remind my husband to pray his own personal prayers. His relationship with God is his and I would not “mother” him by doing that -I’m pretty sure my hubby would find it condescending. Good couple retreats or Catholic conferences can encourage or give ideas to your hubby without it coming directly from you. If you want him to take the role of spiritual leader you have to step back, pray a lot and let God lead him into that role. Do things as a couple and family to encourage to a good spiritual life. My husband is growing slowly in that role, a lot slower than I would like but its always slower than I would like.

 

[whatevergirl]

Only a day or two and then he apologized??? Wow, I have things that have festered for years that he wouldn’t dream of apologizing for:shrug:…so that is why I tread with caution…

lol aw. He doesn’t apologize for everything. lol I have learned to wage my battles wisely, so has he. For the most part, we no longer battle…but I remember not too long ago, having discussions about being the spiritual leader of the household…how he ‘didn’t believe’ this came from the Bible …bla bla…His registering on this forum helped a little…I am grateful for this board for that amongst other reasons. But, here’s the thing…when you really have a sincere issue…a sincere complaint, for lack of a better word…just don’t waffle about it. Be firm. Don’t waiver. Men typically think in black or white ways…when I waffle, it confuses my husband, but on that subject, I did not waffle. I stayed the course, and he eventually saw the light, so to speak. The thing is…we are to help one another to heaven…I also told him this as well. I said…that we should not be arguing over this–we’re both Catholic for pete’s sakes! lol

Just don’t waiver…be kind, but firm. He’ll get there.

((hugs))

 

[whatevergirl]

I would not remind my husband to pray his own personal prayers. His relationship with God is his and I would not “mother” him by doing that -I’m pretty sure my hubby would find it condescending. Good couple retreats or Catholic conferences can encourage or give ideas to your hubby without it coming directly from you. If you want him to take the role of spiritual leader you have to step back, pray a lot and let God lead him into that role. Do things as a couple and family to encourage to a good spiritual life. My husband is growing slowly in that role, a lot slower than I would like but its always slower than I would like.

I agree about this, too…

When I would interject, is when my husband wouldn’t come to confession with us repeatedly…or he would not be ‘thrilled’ to go to mass, and potentially missing a football game. These things are non negotiable…but it takes time, and patience as spouses, to give space and time to our spouses with these things. I am grateful that we no longer have those talks…and he is in the leadership role. Don’t discount that being in a leadership role means that maybe mistakes can be made, so it’s a position with pressure…I wonder if that ever went through my hubby’s mind.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

He has never not wanted to go to Mass and I have no idea about his internal prayer life because I don’t feel that it is any of my business…so on that front everything is fine. And he also has no problem knowing that he is called to be our spiritual leader. But his problem is that he gets too caught up with the “man is the leader” and tends to thinks in terms of “it’s my way when there is a disagreement because that is my God given role” instead of “how can I lead my family to heaven?”.

 

[duskyjewel]

** But his problem is that he gets too caught up with the “man is the leader” and tends to thinks in terms of “it’s my way when there is a disagreement because that is my God given role” instead of “how can I lead my family to heaven?”.**

This is going to sound unkind, but that’s not leadership. It’s bullying. He wants the title and power of leader without the responsibility. That’s how this sounds. I’m not saying he’s a bully or necessarily treats you badly, just that this is the emotional dynamic going on.

Something you said before really bothered me… there are things that have been festering for years, that he has never apologized for, and that you never expect to get an apology for. That’s really a recipe for disaster. That kind of thing can slowly poison a marriage from the inside out. I am sure you have both done things that need apologies afterward, but if only one side apologizes, and the other ignores it and expects their spouse to “get over it” and move on without making that reparative effort… not only is that not fair but it sets up an unequal power dynamic. One person always has to be the one who subsumes their needs or rights or desires in order to keep peace in the marriage. One person always has to be the one to give in, meaning the other always gets their way, meaning one person is not being allowed to live a life that is fully human in their marriage. I know this dynamic and have actively fought it in my marriage. My DH can be kind of a jerk when called on this, but after a while he sees my point, settles down, and apologizes when he needs to. And it’s not one-sided. He has had to reign me in a few times, too. And you know, I can tell he’s really working on being better about it, because we are closer and more peaceful, more in love, as each year passes. But especially this year, I have watched him work really hard at breaking some of those bad patterns he fell into. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that he is trying this hard… it shows me that our marriage really is important to him, that he really does love me, because he is willing to sacrifice his stubborn pride and the embarrassment of being in the wrong in order to make our marriage a happy and healthy one.

We were able to get past some of our roadblocks without counseling, but that was mostly because I wouldn’t let it rest. And I told him exactly why I wouldn’t let it rest and how important it was to me. I want to make sure our marriage is not weighed down or poisoned by bad feelings that fester, resented slights or unfairness, or even just wrong perceptions.

Not every couple can do this work on their own. Maybe ask through the Church for a referral to a good counselor who will understand the spiritual headship issues and can help you work on them, or perhaps Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille (depending on where you feel the state of your marriage is) would be helpful. I think you should expect that once the discussion starts, though, it will go into lots of other areas than the one you start with. And that’s good… you can clean out the cobwebs, and an experienced helper can guide you into doing it constructively. Who knows, we might still come upon issues that we will need help solving, too.

Do you think if you sat your husband down and told him your feelings, what you perceive as being wrong, and what you think needs to change, that he will listen and be open to doing the work needed? And to revisit it periodically to measure progress? Because if he will, perhaps you two can work it out on your own, too. (Of course, you also have to listen and respect his perceptions too… find a middle way you can both live with.)

One last thing. “Catch them being good” works wonders on husbands as well as kids. When I noticed my husband forcing himself to react calmly when he might have yelled, or when he was making a real effort to connect with me when it would have been easier to distance, I would tell him that I noticed. I would let him know I knew there was hard work involved and I was grateful to him for doing it.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Thanks for the insight Dusky

Retrouvaille is on our list (or maybe it’s just my list) of things we need to do. But with hubby heading off for 8 months for job training, it will have to wait.

I completely agree with everything you said and I appreciate hearing it from someone who has experienced it.**

 

[duskyjewel]

I sympathize with the part about him being gone.

My DH has been off active duty for nearly five years, but just missed the military too much. So he is joining the Army Nat’l Guard, and they are already talking about his battalion being deployed to Iraq, or more likley Afghanistan with all the talk of needing a surge there, next spring/summer.

One of the reasons I won’t let it rest is that I don’t want to have regrets should I lose him.