How do I forgive

[Della]

I do want to forgive. But, I don’t want them around. He abused me, she lied about me and literally shrugged her shoulders when I told her of one incident of his abuse. There’s much more to this, but I won’t get into it because I am shaking with anger now.QUOTE]

Forgiveness has nothing to do with how we feel. It is an act of the will. What helps us forgive is to realize how miserable and disgusted your ex (I assume he’s your ex) and his wife must be with themselves to treat others they way they have treated you and your children. They are not acting rationally, but are sick–no doubt due to many things, but in part by to giving into their worst instincts. Pity them. That is what they deserve. Your profound pity and your love in Christ, who alone can truly understand who and what they are and why they behave as they do.

I am sorry for your situation. I assume your children have to spend time with them. Just let them know that your love them completely, no matter what they may hear from your ex and his wife. Be as positive as you can without being untruthful about them.

And do talk to your priest about all this. You may think he doesn’t want to hear it, but let him know what you have told us–that you want to forgive and are having a hard time of it. You don’t have to go into all the gory details. Believe me, he’ll understand–he’s heard many others with the same problem. He’ll give you some good advice and a blessing (if you see him apart from confession). It is his “job” to make receiving God’s grace for these sorts of situations as easy for you as possible. And pray, pray, pray. Never give up believing that God loves you and understands how you feel and what you truly want. I will remember you in my prayers too, dear one.

 

[Gottle_of_Geer]

Momofone:

I am really having trouble forgiving 2 people in my life, one more than the other. I don’t want to get into specifics, but I will say that there was some emotional abuse and lies involved. Unfortunately, they are people I have to deal with on a regular basis. They are my son’s father and stepmother.

I want to forgive. I need to forgive. Jesus wants me to forgive. So why can’t I? I know the pain that I have is great and this really colors my spiritual and emotional life, not to mention my dealings with them. The anger is great, partly because what they did was wrong, partly because it hurt my son, and partly because it doesn’t even seem to affect them. It’s like they don’t even care. Or maybe they just don’t get it. You want to know how angry I am? I am looking forward to the day when this woman tells me that he has been abusing her and I can look at her and say “Why are you telling me? You knew he was doing this to me and you shrugged your shoulders. You even helped him. What made you think that he wouldn’t do this to you? You made your bed, now lie in it!” But that day may never come. One of us may die before then, or the two of them may be converted and he really changes. So, obviously, I can’t hold on to this. It’s making me sick inside, wishing that he would… you fill in the blanks-I’ve probably thought them all.

The one thing that I don’t want to do is put myself in a position where I am hurt again by them. Everybody gets hurt by someone more than once; I understand that. But since he is abusive I need boundaries. I don’t want to be friends, but I do want to show them God’s love. I heard once that you can be friendly, but not be friends. Isn’t that a lie? And I am not even sure what that means anyway.

Wanting to, is morally equivalent to doing so. Just carry on wanting to, each time you’re tempted to be unwilling to. One day at a time.​

And above all - we have to share our pains with Christ. He too has suffered; He knows all the issues and people involved. We have to take everything to Him: especially when we cannot forgive (or whatever we want to do, know He wants of us, but cannot do.)

Hope that helps. ##

 

[misericordie]

Momofone:

I do want to forgive. But, I don’t want them around. He abused me, she lied about me and literally shrugged her shoulders when I told her of one incident of his abuse. There’s much more to this, but I won’t get into it because I am shaking with anger now.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Try not to be too angry at her as from what you posted, she has serious issues from childhood that have colored her vision and she really can’t see clearly.

If you want to grow spiritually you MUST forgive! Yes per my “friend” she seems to not be interested, and well, I will let it be: she seems to want to end the friendship, that’s fine. There must be a reason God wants this “friendship” not to exist, her loss. One must not hold grudges.

 

[misericordie]

misericordie:

If you want to grow spiritually you MUST forgive! Yes per my “friend” she seems to not be interested, and well, I will let it be: she seems to want to end the friendship, that’s fine. There must be a reason God wants this “friendship” not to exist, her loss. One must not hold grudges.

YUP.

 

[Pilgrim525]

I agree. Maybe this would help as it helps me everytime. Say to Jesus “Lord, I WILL to forgive but please heal me of my negative feelings at this very moment for these people …”. Try it.

I will pray for you.

God bless,
Nimfa

 

[misericordie]

Pilgrim525:

I agree. Maybe this would help as it helps me everytime. Say to Jesus “Lord, I WILL to forgive but please heal me of my negative feelings at this very moment for these people …”. Try it.

I will pray for you.

God bless,
Nimfa

Very true.