How do I get my marriage blessed?

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Vicki333

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:eek: I’m horrified. I’ve been doing some reading and it turns out my marriage isn’t valid. Which I guess means I’ve been fornicating all this time? Me and my husband were both baptised, but we got married at a time when my husband wasn’t so sure about the faith. We got married by a judge, because I didn’t want himswearing to God if it was only lip service. I thought this was valid at the time and thought it would be nice to get it blessed later, but not neccesary. I would run to get my marriage blessed, but my husband is more against the church than ever. I’m assuming I would need his cooperation to get the marriage blessed.
I’m upset that although several people knew my situation no one told me the importance. I’ve been going to confession and taking communion. Why wouldn’t the priest have said anything to me about not being able to take the sacraments?
I’m hoping that my ignorance in the past has saved me from this being a mortal sin. Although being Catholic I should have known my faith better. If my husband refuses to have it blessed, am I still obligated to get it blessed or withold “relations”. I have considered myself married all this time. And it is commanded to a husband and wife not to withold from eachother. I am certain insisting on either having it blessed or no “relations” wil cause him to leave me. Our marriage had been near divorce for a while and is only starting to regain some strength.
Does this mean my confessions were invalid too? AM I still guilty of all those past sins? I am surely going to hell for this. If there is any exception to the rule that a Catholic marriage isn’t a marriage unless it’s blessed please let me know.
 
Vicki,
In doing some searching I found this post on the Ask an Apologist forum:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=71200&highlight=marriage+blessed

It may help. You must have full knowledge that something is a grave matter at the time that you commit the act for it to be a mortal sin. I would advice going to confession and after that point you should not engage in any more relations. If you continue to you will be committing a mortal sin and you don’t want to do that. I will be praying for you.

God Bless,
Matt
 
Were either you or your husband Catholic at the time of your marriage? If so you were bound by Catholic marriage laws that require you to marry before a priest or deacon (or receive a dispensation). What you need to do now is have your marriage convalidated – made valid in the Church. You both would need to stand in front of a priest or deacon and make your vows so yes, your husband would have to be part of it.

What you need to do now is talk to a priest and get things straightened out. He’ll be able to advise you and will be in the best position to know your particular situation and how best to handle it.

You may find it helpful to read this: Bringing Your Marriage into the Church
 
Based on what you have stated, you are in an invalid marriage. This means you would have to seek convalidation or radical sanation.

You need to seek guidance from your priest. Abstain from the Eucharist until you’ve spoken to your priest and made a decision about whether you will live as “brother and sister” until the situation is rectified.

Also, if you are unsure about the validity of your marriage-- you speak of your husband’s hostility to the faith and your current rocky marriage-- you need to seriously consider if you do want to take steps to validate it.

It may, in fact, be invalid not only because of form but because of your husband-- could it be he lacked proper intent/consent? You say he is opposed to the Church-- this makes me think he may not have intended what the Church intends regarding marriage.

I suggest you probe ALL of this together with your priest, and make no rash decisions. And, sooner or later you are going to have to address it with your husband.
 
Abstaining is much easier said than done. seeing as it might be years before my husband comes to terms with his issues. He might be able to sign something, but he would refuse to meet with a priest for sure. He’s had more than one clergy member betray him. This is the bases for most of his hostility. Although he would never want to deny me my faith he doesn’t wan to get involved.

I’m shocked that anyone would suggest getting divorced as an option. My husband did and still does mean his marriage vows in the traditional sense that we would love and honor eachother till death. I don’t know what else the church asks. We already have 2 beautiful children together. To clarify my previous statement. My marriage is good now there just was a time when it wasn’t. And a few hurt feelings still linger. As most marriages go through some kind of turmoil I don’t see grounds for wanting a divorce. I defintly am sincere in my desire to have a valid marriage.

Is there anything in the Bible to back up the church wedding rule or even in the catechism? What did they do back when there were only traveling priests who didn’t come to your town very often? I guess I’m just not sure what is wrong with my marriage being what it is.
 
Vicki333 said:
Abstaining is much easier said than done. seeing as it might be years before my husband comes to terms with his issues. He might be able to sign something, but he would refuse to meet with a priest for sure. He’s had more than one clergy member betray him. This is the bases for most of his hostility. Although he would never want to deny me my faith he doesn’t wan to get involved.

I’m shocked that anyone would suggest getting divorced as an option. My husband did and still does mean his marriage vows in the traditional sense that we would love and honor eachother till death. I don’t know what else the church asks. We already have 2 beautiful children together. To clarify my previous statement. My marriage is good now there just was a time when it wasn’t. And a few hurt feelings still linger. As most marriages go through some kind of turmoil I don’t see grounds for wanting a divorce. I defintly am sincere in my desire to have a valid marriage.

Is there anything in the Bible to back up the church wedding rule or even in the catechism? What did they do back when there were only traveling priests who didn’t come to your town very often? I guess I’m just not sure what is wrong with my marriage being what it is.
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I don’t think anyone was outright telling you that divorce was a viable option; although there was concern about the current state of your marriage and how a convalidation would affect it in the event you were to ever get a divorce. Those are two differen tthings.

Please talk to a priest before you go any further. This is a very serious matter because it involves the state of your soul. Immortality is something very serious because it involves eternity and eternity means forever. To ask about traveling priests is, I’m afraid, just side-stepping the issue. You need to focus on the here and now. Please, please, go and see a priest.
 
Vicki333 said:
Is there anything in the Bible to back up the church wedding rule or even in the catechism? What did they do back when there were only traveling priests who didn’t come to your town very often? I guess I’m just not sure what is wrong with my marriage being what it is.
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“And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” (Matthew 16:18-19)

According to the Latin tradition, the spouses as ministers of Christ’s grace mutually confer upon each other the sacrament of Matrimony by expressing their consent before the Church. (CCC 1623)
 
SuscipeMeDomine said:
“And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” (Matthew 16:18-19)

According to the Latin tradition, the spouses as ministers of Christ’s grace mutually confer upon each other the sacrament of Matrimony by expressing their consent before the Church. (CCC 1623)
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Ok. Thank You.
I know even if it’s not in the Bible church has authority, so if the catechism says before the Church it means before the Church.

Sorry about the traveling priest thing, I guess I’m just trying to get across that there has to be exceptiions made sometimes. 🤷

I wish I would have known this earlier I would have done it right the first time. He wasn’t quite as jadded back then.
This is going to be really hard.
Ignorance was bliss.
 
Vicki333 said:
:eek: I’m horrified. I’ve been doing some reading and it turns out my marriage isn’t valid. Which
. . .
I’m upset that although several people knew my situation no one told me the importance. I’ve been going to confession and taking communion. Why wouldn’t the priest have said anything to me about not being able to take the sacraments?
.
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can’t answer for people who should have advised you better and cannot second guess priest in confession. If a person did not confess living with a man in an invalid marriage, obviously the priest would have know knowledge of it. If a person did not understand that this was immoral, although it is hard for me to see how there could be Catholics who missed this important fact, then if follows subjectively there may be no sin, for that person. no one here is qualified to comment on your individual situation, but now that you do know enough to judge your own actions and situation, it behooves you to get to confession right away. Then make an appointment with the priest outside confession right away to discuss what should be done to regularize your marriage, and how you should behave in the meantime.

If your husband is vehemently opposed to your religion, you also need pastoral help dealing with that, and we pray that you get it. In itself the procedure is fairly simple and straightforward, but that assumes the conditions for valid marriage are present, including no previous marriages, intent to fulfill the marriage contract etc. If there is evidence one party does not intend to fulfill all that is contained in the marriage vows, that could present a problem. You will both undergo some preparation, depending on your circumstances, to insure that this time the marriage will be valid.
 
puzzleannie said:
can’t answer for people who should have advised you better and cannot second guess priest in confession. If a person did not confess living with a man in an invalid marriage, obviously the priest would have know knowledge of it. If** a person did not understand that this was immoral, although it is hard for me to see how there could be Catholics who missed this important fact**, then if follows subjectively there may be no sin, for that person. no one here is qualified to comment on your individual situation, but now that you do know enough to judge your own actions and situation, it behooves you to get to confession right away. Then make an appointment with the priest outside confession right away to discuss what should be done to regularize your marriage, and how you should behave in the meantime.

If your husband is vehemently opposed to your religion, you also need pastoral help dealing with that, and we pray that you get it. In itself the procedure is fairly simple and straightforward, but that assumes the conditions for valid marriage are present, including no previous marriages, intent to fulfill the marriage contract etc. If there is evidence one party does not intend to fulfill all that is contained in the marriage vows, that could present a problem. You will both undergo some preparation, depending on your circumstances, to insure that this time the marriage will be valid.
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I certaintly did not know. I find it rude of you to suggest so. I am just as upset of my ignorance as you are.
I was born and raised Catholic went to Catholic school all 12 years and there is still a lot I am learning now that I am looking into my faith on my own instead of in a classroom. I am sure there are others who do not know this as I know a few Catholics who still go to Church and have civil marriages. I am very upset something like this was overlooked in my upbringing. Please don’t second guess me. Just try to raise your children correctly. Don’t rely solely on any religious educational program. I know this will be something I will personally teach my children since they will be attending the same parish and schools I did. You can’t even begin to imagine how upsetting this is for me.
 
Vicki,

Make an appointment with your priest. The two options you have are convalidation and radical sanation. Radical sanation does not require new consent/vows, while convalidation does.

There are specific criteria as to which might apply to you based on the specifics of your situation, and the priest can either explain or find someone knowledgeable within the diocese to explain them to you. You can then proceed from there.
 
Vicki333 said:
I certaintly did not know. I find it rude of you to suggest so. I.
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I was trying to suggest the opposite, that if you did not know obviously it was not your fault or your sin and so you would not have confessed it, and I was trying to suggest if you were not taught properly the fault lies with those responsible for teaching you. If you read my comment differently, I am sorry. don’t assume rudeness where it is not intended, and please don’t ask for help or advice if well intended help and advice will not be welcome.
 
I am so sorry that you, being raised Catholic, were not taught that marriage is a Sacrament. That really is sad.

I will pray for your situation Vicki!
 
Puzzleannie,
I’m sorry I took offense. You are right I read it wrong. I do need to be a little more careful, but I’m sure you will understand I’m a little touchy right now. I guess I fell like I failed myself in not knowing, and felt like you must be blaming me too. Sorry
Anyway I am very grateful for all of the advice, and the speed in which all of you came to answer me.
 
Dear Vicki333:

I am curious, how did you resolve your issues with the convalidation of your marriage. I just encountered this thread.

For me, as a man, if my bride deeply and firmly needed to have a validation of our marriage (if we were in that situation, I mean) I would do it for her. Since your husband has deeply committed to you and the children you two have been blessed with til death and since he has a belief in God, just not in some of the clergy, it seems he could, in all good faith, take 10 minutes to repeat those vows in a church with a priest or deacon.

I know I would.
 
this is a link to the pdf file of a lengthy and at least to me, very difficult to navigate, report issued by the bishops of a study on attitudes of Catholics about marriage, commissioned in 2007 and published in Feb 2008

usccb.org/laity/marriage/marriage_report.pdf

if you can wade through it to find meaningful conclusions you are doing better than I am but the bottom line seems to be that at least 70% of Catholics say they ARE familiar with Catholic teaching on marriage, but in actual fact, only about half really do know what the Church teaches.

to me that is an indictment on the pastoral care of Catholics and those charged with teaching them, not necessarily a judgment on individual Catholics who lack knowledge to make life decisions that affect their happiness in this world and the next. The bishop’s website also, on the committee on marriage and family life, contains links to letters, reports, and pastoral messages addressing marriage in various ways.

it appears the bishops recognize the problem but are afflicted by the general American disease which presents as a tendency to issue a report rather than actually solving a problem.

the above linked report, by the way, discusses attitudes reported by respondents, not their actual behavior, so that just knowing the teaching does not mean the teaching is obeyed.
 
Drlit said:
Dear Vicki333:

I am curious, how did you resolve your issues with the convalidation of your marriage. I just encountered this thread.
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Drlit,

She just wrote the thread today. She has not yet resolved the issue.
 
catholic.com/thisrock/1995/9504qq.asp

I found this link about Radical Sanation if anyone else is interested. I’m hoping my husband will agree with me(I’m still working up the nerve to talk to him), but it looks like even if he won’t I’ll still have a way of validating the marriage.
Thank God! Alleluia!
 
Vicki333 said:
I’m shocked that anyone would suggest getting divorced as an option. My husband did and still does mean his marriage vows in the traditional sense that we would love and honor eachother till death. I don’t know what else the church asks.
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hOw bout the fact that marriage is a vocation, and it is a sacrament, and that the whole point of marriage is for the spouses to get each other and their children to heaven. THAT is what the church asks.
 
Well, I talked to my husband and he said he would as long as I didn’t make a big deal and have family and friends present. Now I’m just waiting for him to call his Mom and get his baptismal certificate. It seems to be taking a while. I told him I wanted to hurry, but he’s still reluctant. I’d call her or the church myself, but we don’t speak the same language.
 
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