How do I get over all of my self defeating thoughts and being friends with women?

[Joe_5859]

Guys, when it comes to actually having a relationship with a woman a sin boyfriend-girlfriend relationship/dating/courtship, I’m feleing insecure because I’m scared that nobody will like me. Someone here already said that I come off as creepy and if somebody on the forums felt this way how will others in real life feel?

Your self-worth is not determined by other’s opinions of you. I know that can be a difficult concept to come to terms with (believe me, I know), but it is so important.

I know a lot of the advice given here can seem cliché or else in the vein of “That’s easy for you to say!” But it really is good advice. It’s hard not to try so hard when you really want to make things work the way you want them to. But relaxing and not pushing really can make a world of difference. Be confident in who you are. Again, I know that’s easier said than done, but a little self-confidence goes a long way.

I spent years thinking no girl would ever like me. But it happened eventually. Actually, when I think back on some parts of my life, I recognize that there were girls in my life who – most likely – did like me. But as I was convinced that was impossible, I totally missed all the obvious signs. But it all worked out in the end.

 

[EasterJoy]

Guys, when it comes to actually having a relationship with a woman a sin boyfriend-girlfriend relationship/dating/courtship, I’m feleing insecure because I’m scared that nobody will like me. Someone here already said that I come off as creepy and if somebody on the forums felt this way how will others in real life feel?

No, they did not say you personally come off as creepy. They’ve never met you. They said a particular plan of action–that is, seeming too intent on getting hugs from your female friends–could come across as creepy. There is a big difference. One has to do with your inner self, which is difficult (though by no means impossible) to change, and one has to do with realizing which social behaviors will be taken in the way you intend to be taken, which is far easier. IOW, we’re trying to tell you how to send the messages you intend to send.

It is entirely normal to feel insecure about your prospects when it comes to attracting the attentions of a life partner. Some worry about attracting anyone at all, while those who attract others easily worry about attracting the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

It is entirely normal to feel secure about “making the grade” socially. After all, if most people did not have this fear, why would the people selling people lean on it so hard?

It is entirely normal to want a trusted confidant, and it is entirely normal to imagine you know which gender is likely to supply the friend who will fit the bill. Dare to believe that your insecurities are normal, and you may have better luck in feeling more self-confident.

 

[on_the_hill]

In general I was thinking of being shown affection and appreciation.

In my experience, at younger ages (up through college/early 20s) girls/women tend **not **to hug guys unless there’s a very close relationship. And most young women aren’t drawn toward young men for deep friendships unless there is a romantic element.

But I’m not a hugger, so I feel the opposite of you. I’d rather people keep their distance, thank you very much.

I just felt like wanting to experience the feeling in being inside a group of friends just enjoying themselves as I have noone who does so. I’m tired of doing everything alone.

I feel ya, brother. But you do have friends, even if they’re mere acquaintances. I had a good friend who felt very much like you do when it comes to women. He was really unhappy and unfulfilled for a long time, unfortunately. And, unfortunately, he tended to push himself toward women who didn’t hold romantic interests for him. So, while they would accept his friendship, it usually drifted toward the “creepy” stage because he invariably wanted more than friendship.

However, he eventually found the right person. She liked him, and he liked her. And they got married. And they have a baby boy.

 

[Xantippe]

on_the_hill said:

“However, he eventually found the right person. She liked him, and he liked her. And they got married. And they have a baby boy.”

Awww.

 

[Estevao]

Do not EVER say “creeper” or “creepy” when refering to yourself or another man. That is a word that feminists use to ABUSE and DEMEAN and DEHUMANIZE men. It’s the equivalent of “B*tch” or “slut”. Do not EVER use it again.

Of course it’s no surprise that you’ve been repeatedly called a “creeper” ITT. That’s the anti-male milieu in which we live. You even did it to yourself. STOP IT AT ONCE.

You need to find a passion in life that doesn’t revolve around women. Women will not make you whole, women will not close that lack of fulfillment you feel. Honestly the first place you need to turn is to God, your creator whose creation surrounds you and all of us all the time. Get down on your knees and worship him, talk to him, repent for your sins and accept Jesus as your lord and savior who makes you right with God. Read the New Testament.

Keep doing this until you come to realize that GOD is who you were seeking all along. HE is the one who will make you forget about your self-loathing. He is the one who will make you what you were meant to be.

Then start to learn about the faith that God, in Jesus Christ, established. The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church. And you can start right here with all the great resources available.

catholic.com/browse/Apologetics/all/all/all

God bless you and keep you, and may you finally come to know true contentment.

 

[EasterJoy]

Do not EVER say “creeper” or “creepy” when refering to yourself or another man. That is a word that feminists use to ABUSE and DEMEAN and DEHUMANIZE men. It’s the equivalent of “B*tch” or “slut”. Do not EVER use it again.

Of course it’s no surprise that you’ve been repeatedly called a “creeper” ITT. That’s the anti-male milieu in which we live. You even did it to yourself. STOP IT AT ONCE.

Wow. Just wow. Can you maybe not shout?

The OP should not call himself names, but to say that the word “creep” is something the feminists made up to put down men is a statement so far wrong as to border on the bizarre. It is used to describe opportunistic people (yes, usually male, because they are more able to overwhelm by unexpected use of force) who use nefarious means to pilfer what doesn’t belong to them, including taking sexual liberties. The resulting wariness in the would-be victim is what both sexes refer to as “the creeps”…as in, “that guy gives me the creeps.” Men even refer to other men who cannot be trusted as creeps! Gloria Steinem did not invent this.

You need to find a passion in life that doesn’t revolve around women. Women will not make you whole, women will not close that lack of fulfillment you feel. Honestly the first place you need to turn is to God, your creator whose creation surrounds you and all of us all the time. Get down on your knees and worship him, talk to him, repent for your sins and accept Jesus as your lord and savior who makes you right with God. Read the New Testament.

Keep doing this until you come to realize that GOD is who you were seeking all along. HE is the one who will make you forget about your self-loathing. He is the one who will make you what you were meant to be.

Then start to learn about the faith that God, in Jesus Christ, established. The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church. And you can start right here with all the great resources available.

catholic.com/browse/Apologetics/all/all/all

God bless you and keep you, and may you finally come to know true contentment.

The guy just wants some friends he feels are trustworthy and interested in the things that interest him. Yes, of course, his main source of sustenance ought to be in God and not in weak human beings, but do lighten up and presume better of him. For all we know, this fellow has taken his difficulties to the Cross so many times that he far exceeds any of us in prayer. That would not automatically mean he is not going to go through the dark times that can happen to any of us.

 

[Xantippe]

Estevao said:

“Do not EVER say “creeper” or “creepy” when refering to yourself or another man. That is a word that feminists use to ABUSE and DEMEAN and DEHUMANIZE men. It’s the equivalent of “B*tch” or “slut”.”

No, it’s a word that people (especially women) use to describe men who are verbally, socially, and/or physically inappropriate.

Learning not to give off creepy vibes will serve the OP well throughout his life, socially, romantically, and professionally. It’s an extremely valuable life skill.

 

[on_the_hill]

Do not EVER say “creeper” or “creepy” when refering to yourself or another man. That is a word that feminists use to ABUSE and DEMEAN and DEHUMANIZE men. It’s the equivalent of “B*tch” or “slut”. Do not EVER use it again.

Oh, stop it.

Yes, 99% of the time a “creep” is male. What other word would you choose that we use to describe a guy who fixates on a woman in an unwanted fashion? I use the term, my male friends use the term. When a guy at our office would linger after work to watch one of the women walk out of the building and stare at her shoes, we called him a creeper.

Perhaps there’s another word to describe a man gives a woman lascivious looks, or stares uncomfortably, or inserts himself in situations where and when he’s not wanted?

Guess what? Women rarely, rarely act that way. The only “creepers” I’ve come across were male.

How about we agree: A creeper is male, and a psycho b**ch is a female. Would that make you happy?

 

[on_the_hill]

on_the_hill said:

“However, he eventually found the right person. She liked him, and he liked her. And they got married. And they have a baby boy.”

Awww.

It was difficult to watch him go through all that he did to reach that point, however. He had an attraction toward married women. I guess because they were already “taken” they felt comfortable around him. Unfortunately he took their comfort as an invitation to become increasingly familiar. But all’s well that ends well, as they say.

 

[crenfro]

Hello mrajax.

It’s difficult to be a fellow these days.

You’ve got some good advice here, though it’s easier said than done.

I will place you in the enclosed garden of the most Sacred Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently and I got over my nervousness in talking to women and being social. Now, I have some doubts in the way I look at relationships.

…

I’m too hyper aware and self concious of my flaws and too scared of what people may think.

 

[mrajax]

Do not EVER say “creeper” or “creepy” when refering to yourself or another man. That is a word that feminists use to ABUSE and DEMEAN and DEHUMANIZE men. It’s the equivalent of “B*tch” or “slut”. Do not EVER use it again.

Of course it’s no surprise that you’ve been repeatedly called a “creeper” ITT. That’s the anti-male milieu in which we live. You even did it to yourself. STOP IT AT ONCE.

You need to find a passion in life that doesn’t revolve around women. Women will not make you whole, women will not close that lack of fulfillment you feel. Honestly the first place you need to turn is to God, your creator whose creation surrounds you and all of us all the time. Get down on your knees and worship him, talk to him, repent for your sins and accept Jesus as your lord and savior who makes you right with God. Read the New Testament.

Keep doing this until you come to realize that GOD is who you were seeking all along. HE is the one who will make you forget about your self-loathing. He is the one who will make you what you were meant to be.

Then start to learn about the faith that God, in Jesus Christ, established. The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church. And you can start right here with all the great resources available.

catholic.com/browse/Apologetics/all/all/all

God bless you and keep you, and may you finally come to know true contentment.

Dude, the way you put it sounds as if the guys on here said things just to demean me. I’m not trying nor intending to make you look bad but honestly, don’t say the words ‘feminist’ and ‘demean’ in the same sentence when the advice people are giving me is actually working and the people themselves care for me. We may not be close friends but I can recognize concern and care.

No, at the risk of offending my catholic friends, no, God is not for me. I’ve passed through years and years of being a devout Catholic. Why I became agnostic is not important right now but I honestly feel more freedom as I am now. The way I practiced my faith ignoring and abandoning everyone just for the sake of God and the Virgin Mary was not healthy and destroyed me internally. I’m a social person; whilst it is true that in the end women nor people can make me whole my vocation is to marry a girl I love and who loves me back and who I can grow old with. I’m not devout and your words are not convincing me to join my old religion back. No offense to anyone who actually has had God transform their lives so positively.

 

[EasterJoy]

Dude, the way you put it sounds as if the guys on here said things just to demean me. I’m not trying nor intending to make you look bad but honestly, don’t say the words ‘feminist’ and ‘demean’ in the same sentence when the advice people are giving me is actually working and the people themselves care for me. We may not be close friends but I can recognize concern and care.

No, at the risk of offending my catholic friends, no, God is not for me. I’ve passed through years and years of being a devout Catholic. Why I became agnostic is not important right now but I honestly feel more freedom as I am now. The way I practiced my faith ignoring and abandoning everyone just for the sake of God and the Virgin Mary was not healthy and destroyed me internally. I’m a social person; whilst it is true that in the end women nor people can make me whole my vocation is to marry a girl I love and who loves me back and who I can grow old with. I’m not devout and your words are not convincing me to join my old religion back. No offense to anyone who actually has had God transform their lives so positively.

The main thing to realize is that women have the “creep sensor” set very high because there are too many wolves who’ve found sheep’s clothing works to their advantage. It totally ruins it for the innocent fellows. Try not to take it personally.

When it comes to religion, there is a huge middle ground between what you’re describing (and what Estevao may be describing) and abandoning the Church entirely. For instance, did you know that in monasteries the communities only let the monks who are older, advanced, and get along with others in the community to become hermits? Why? Because the call to be a hermit is built on a foundation of mutual love of God and neighbor. Solitude is not something you use to get away the difficulties of other people. As you have found, we are social creatures, and that is a good thing.

In Genesis, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” In Ecclesiastes, we find this: *Again I saw this vanity under the sun: those all alone with no companion, with neither child nor sibling—with no end to all their toil, and no satisfaction from riches. For whom do I toil and deprive myself of good things? This also is vanity and a bad business. Two are better than one: They get a good wage for their toil. If the one falls, the other will help the fallen one. But woe to the solitary person! If that one should fall, there is no other to help. So also, if two sleep together, they keep each other warm. How can one alone keep warm? Where one alone may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken. * Eccl. 4:7-12

 

[Xantippe]

EasterJoy said:

“The main thing to realize is that women have the “creep sensor” set very high because there are too many wolves who’ve found sheep’s clothing works to their advantage. It totally ruins it for the innocent fellows. Try not to take it personally.”

Exactly. The “creep sensor” throws off a lot of false positives, but false positives are way less dangerous than false negatives.

 

[mrajax]

The main thing to realize is that women have the “creep sensor” set very high because there are too many wolves who’ve found sheep’s clothing works to their advantage. It totally ruins it for the innocent fellows. Try not to take it personally.

When it comes to religion, there is a huge middle ground between what you’re describing (and what Estevao may be describing) and abandoning the Church entirely. For instance, did you know that in monasteries the communities only let the monks who are older, advanced, and get along with others in the community to become hermits? Why? Because the call to be a hermit is built on a foundation of mutual love of God and neighbor. Solitude is not something you use to get away the difficulties of other people. As you have found, we are social creatures, and that is a good thing.

In Genesis, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” In Ecclesiastes, we find this: *Again I saw this vanity under the sun: those all alone with no companion, with neither child nor sibling—with no end to all their toil, and no satisfaction from riches. For whom do I toil and deprive myself of good things? This also is vanity and a bad business. Two are better than one: They get a good wage for their toil. If the one falls, the other will help the fallen one. But woe to the solitary person! If that one should fall, there is no other to help. So also, if two sleep together, they keep each other warm. How can one alone keep warm? Where one alone may be overcome, two together can resist. A three-ply cord is not easily broken. * Eccl. 4:7-12

That quote from eccl. made me so relieved.

When it comes to the creep sensor in women, I don’t mean to offend here or anything but too often I see cases of women (and men) just letting the perverts do whatever they want without repercussion. I’m not saying they enjoy it, far from it, in fact the total opposite. But I’ve seen so many victims of sexual harassment say that something inside them doesn’t want to humiliate a man in public just because they are men and this gives them a huge lack of self esteem and self-worth. I’m saying this because I’ve read ALOT about this topic being a victim of sexual harassment from men myself. The reason I also mention it is because I want to know the best course of action to take in defending myself and my friends from any predators and eprverts out there because I unfortunately I still get sexually harassed outside even though it isn’tby the same people who used to do it. I really, really feel sad for anyone who has to undergo such abuse because I know what it means to pass through it. I’m honestly tired of all the bullying me and everyone else has to go through.

Unlike a lot of people, I tihnk fihting wold be a necessity. Protecting yourself and others from harm is not violence. Simply talking to bullies about how much they’re hurting the victim will not solve a single things because bullies are the lowest of the low, they’re muck, insignificant insects who deserve all hell. They only want to make the victim suffer; they don’tcare about how hurt the other is. I don’t know what to do in order to protect myself and others without hurting the victim. I can’t fight and I’m somebody who has never ever participated in any fights whatsoever.Should I help the victims to take thing slike counselling?

 

[on_the_hill]

EasterJoy said:

“The main thing to realize is that women have the “creep sensor” set very high because there are too many wolves who’ve found sheep’s clothing works to their advantage. It totally ruins it for the innocent fellows. Try not to take it personally.”

Exactly. The “creep sensor” throws off a lot of false positives, but false positives are way less dangerous than false negatives.

I just saw a joke by a comedian–too long to post, but the gist of it is, 'it’s very difficult for a woman to date a man because men are dangerous. It’s like dating a half-lion, half bear. ‘Gee, I hope this one is nice.’"

 

[Xantippe]

on_the_hill said:

“I just saw a joke by a comedian–too long to post, but the gist of it is, 'it’s very difficult for a woman to date a man because men are dangerous. It’s like dating a half-lion, half bear. ‘Gee, I hope this one is nice.’”"

That’s very funny! And yet a lot of guys are really good people–it’s just hard to tell the difference when you don’t have a lot of life experience.

For any guys that don’t quite get this, how would you feel about spending time alone with people that were on average a head taller than you, 50 pounds heavier, had much greater upper body strength and less body fat, and were known to be on average much more aggressive than your kind? Wouldn’t those people make you nervous, even though particular individuals might be quite nice?