How Do I Go About Meeting Someone Chosen By God?

[PBorneo1973]

Back in August 2011, my Mother and I were busy planning a wedding. A month later, I was dumped unceremoniusly. Since then I haven’t met anyone new. I have never been good with trust but now I simply do not know who to trust full stop… How do I know if a guy is one chosen by God? Where do I find good Catholic guys? Those around my age are likely to be happily married.

The truth is I don’t even quite know how to make friends anymore. I don’t have any. It was OK when I was in Australia but here in the middle of Borneo, people are considered a bit odd without friends. What do I do? Who is a friend and who is not? I can’t tell!

Please pray for me.

PBorneo1973

 

[PietroPaolo]

Back in August 2011, my Mother and I were busy planning a wedding. A month later, I was dumped unceremoniusly. Since then I haven’t met anyone new. I have never been good with trust but now I simply do not know who to trust full stop… How do I know if a guy is one chosen by God? Where do I find good Catholic guys? Those around my age are likely to be happily married.

The truth is I don’t even quite know how to make friends anymore. I don’t have any. It was OK when I was in Australia but here in the middle of Borneo, people are considered a bit odd without friends. What do I do? Who is a friend and who is not? I can’t tell!

Please pray for me.

PBorneo1973

Doesn’t your parish offer any opportunities to volunteer? This can be a good way to meet people. Also, consider dating websites like CatholicMatch.com or Match.com, you can get to know people through the internet. And keep praying!

Ave Maria…
Pater Noster…
Gloria Patri…

 

[Brendan_64]

How do I know if a guy is one chosen by God?

Chosen by God? Do they have to be?

Maybe you should relax a bit and treat men you meet at face value, rather than worrying about measuring them up against certain standards, let alone worry about whether they are “Chosen by God”? Just get to know people as people first, don’t measure them up against certain standards before you even get to know them.

If a man thinks he’s getting measured up against a certain standard, he’ll run a mile away. We really don’t like that.

 

[piofaustina]

I often wonder the same thing myself, I haven’t had alot of luck in this area either…but on the other hand I’m kind of solitary by nature. I heard a couple of guidelines about trying to figure out if something is “God’s Will” that might help though:

1. Is it obviously against Church teaching? For example, as you get to know them, if the person you are looking at being in a relationship or friendship (which is a type of relationship) with has serious issues with God, or Catholics, or lives by a really different set of morals, or doesn’t treat other well even if they’re nice to you. It’s likely they won’t be able to function in a close relationship with you for the long haul.
2. Are there obvious signs from heaven? I’m not really sure what this would look like, but I suppose if something repeatedly looks like too much of a coincidence to really be a coincidence, or if it is the exact answer to a prayer, or if you wake up and the angel Gabriel is telling you to do such and such a thing, it’s best to go along with it? Again, this is more the rare exception than the rule.
3. Otherwise most of time you have to kind of run the “abundant life” test. Is this person good for you in the way that gives you more of what Christ wants for you?

Do they enjoy or encourage you to do the things that are meaningful to you? Do they appreciate your talents and tastes, or have complementary talents and tastes of their own? Do they inspire or encourage you to love God and love your neighbor and love yourself?

Are they safe to get close to? Will they at least accept (if not agree) with the things close to your heart? Or do they shut you down or try to correct you about your own opinions all the time? When you do disagree, is there respect? Apologies? Communication?

Do they have virtues? In other words, are they just fun to be around, or do they have good morals, and does being around them make it easier to do the right thing?

That’s my best guess on how to start. But good luck, I hope things get better for you.

 

[chevalier]

There’s no absolutely convincing theological ground to claim that God actually hand-picks our spouses. Rather, we have been given our natural faculties and should pick well. Providence does affect our lives, but individually preordained spouse choices are a stretch. It’s not that God doesn’t love us enough, that’d be blasphemous to think, but there’s just no evidence for the ‘soulmate theory’ from a theological point of view.

 

[severus68]

Chosen by God? Do they have to be?

Maybe you should relax a bit and treat men you meet at face value, rather than worrying about measuring them up against certain standards, let alone worry about whether they are “Chosen by God”? Just get to know people as people first, don’t measure them up against certain standards before you even get to know them.

If a man thinks he’s getting measured up against a certain standard, he’ll run a mile away. We really don’t like that.

Good advice.

 

[57thDimension]

Chosen by God? Do they have to be?

I don’t think the OP stipulated exactly that a potential suitor must be “chosen by God.”

Maybe you should relax a bit and treat men you meet at face value

You first suggest going by “face value” then suggest getting to know the person - that seems like a contradiction. Beyond that, “face value,” by definition, means not analyzing something beyond initial impressions - that is not something that someone should do when choosing a spouse.

don’t measure them up against certain standards before you even get to know them.

Can you explain why a person should not measure someone against a standard (before, during, or after getting to know them)?

If a man thinks he’s getting measured up against a certain standard, he’ll run a mile away.

Do you claim to speak for all men?

+Sebastian

 

[PBorneo1973]

Thank you to everyone who had replied to my post. I need more time to digest them…

I do not go around meeting guys, desperately looking to find a mate chosen by God. It is obvious that my X is not chosen by God. We were together for 16 years before I got dumped! If we were meant to be together, we would still be together. I fear getting into another pointless relationship. It would be so much easier if i know from the beginning if a person is God chosen. I don’t really feel like to ‘invest’ and then be dumped again. That would be too consuming… May be I am just lazy…

PBorneo1973

 

[Brendan_64]

I don’t think the OP stipulated exactly that a potential suitor must be “chosen by God.”

Well that is what she wrote, “How do I know if a guy is one chosen by God?”

I also don’t think that God chooses people for us. We make those choices using the gifts given by God to us in our own senses, our minds and our personalities. Finding the right partner is down to who we choose, not who God chooses (as He doesn’t choose for us). If something doesn’t work out then I believe that is because we made the wrong choice, nothing to do with that person not being “God’s choice”. God doesn’t choose people for us.

You first suggest going by “face value” then suggest getting to know the person - that seems like a contradiction. Beyond that, “face value,” by definition, means not analyzing something beyond initial impressions - that is not something that someone should do when choosing a spouse.

No contradiction there at all. Accept them as they initially appear to you without worrying too much about what they might be like underneath the initial impression they give and just let the relationship develop as you get to know them. Their character will be revealed over time, without having to analyse them.

Can you explain why a person should not measure someone against a standard (before, during, or after getting to know them)?

Until you get to know someone you are in no position to measure them against any standard. You would be making a judgment on something you know absolutely nothing about (i.e. the person’s character)

Do you claim to speak for all men?

Not all men, just almost all the men I know (including myself). I can think of one man I knew who perhaps wasn’t like that, but that’s all. If a man thinks a woman is sizing him up as a potential spouse right from the start, most will find that to be far too intense.

Just enjoy people’s friendship and if things develop then things develop. Relationships will tend to develop more easily if people just relax a bit. If it leads to marriage the great, if it doesn’t then you will have enjoyed the person’s friendship and enjoyed socialising with them. If getting to know someone is viewed as just a ‘means to an end’ then it’s not going to be a very enjoyable experience in its own right.

Anyway, just my opinions on the matter.

 

[Lorelei12]

I do not go around meeting guys, desperately looking to find a mate chosen by God. It is obvious that my X is not chosen by God. We were together for 16 years before I got dumped! If we were meant to be together, we would still be together. I fear getting into another pointless relationship. It would be so much easier if i know from the beginning if a person is God chosen. I don’t really feel like to ‘invest’ and then be dumped again. That would be too consuming… May be I am just lazy…

It sounds like you want God to do all the work for you. It just doesn’t work that way. God does not choose one man for you, set him down on earth, and make you treasure-hunt for him. We have free will and we are to use that wisely. There are any number of compatible people for each one of us.

And if you’re with someone long enough, and feel that you are called to marry him, but he is not ready, you have to make a decision about how long you are willing to wait. Sixteen years is way too long to bother with someone without a marriage commitment. I am sure you know that now, and I’m sorry you went through such heartbreak.

But, that is why it is wise not to give our hearts away immediately. Dating is a process of discernment, the entire way. You have to “invest” emotionally somewhat, in order to do this. There is no getting around that. The key is not to invest more than is appropriate to the state of your relationship. The only time you invest everything is when you’re married, not before then. Dating is tough, but if you want to be married, it does involve taking the risk that he’ll turn out not to be someone you want to marry, or vice versa.

 

[chevalier]

Thank you to everyone who had replied to my post. I need more time to digest them…

I do not go around meeting guys, desperately looking to find a mate chosen by God. It is obvious that my X is not chosen by God. We were together for 16 years before I got dumped! If we were meant to be together, we would still be together. I fear getting into another pointless relationship. It would be so much easier if i know from the beginning if a person is God chosen. I don’t really feel like to ‘invest’ and then be dumped again. That would be too consuming… May be I am just lazy…

PBorneo1973

That’s too deterministic (and sounds a bit like eastern fatalism). We have free will. We can choose. We can also choose wrong. God can but doesn’t necessarily make 100% sure that whatever He has originally intended will happen regardless what we do or choose. For example, we can’t stop going to work, get fired and say that if it had been a job ‘chosen by God’, we’d still be there.

Sometimes we’re expected to choose responsibly, and then live with the results of our choices, also responsibly.

I don’t really feel like to ‘invest’ and then be dumped again. That would be too consuming… May be I am just lazy…

Don’t be. Just like you can lose your investment, so can the other person (i.e. the man). As a woman, traditionally, you can expect the man to take more of that burden on himself than falls on you, but still a prince charming perfectly convinced that he wants to marry you of all people won’t materialise out of the blue on your doorstep. He too needs to know that he’s making a good choice, that it’s worth it etc.

Let me give you a business example. Suppose you put all your money in the first potential investment that you don’t know much about. You’re likely to get no profit and also end up in debt. On the other hand, if you keep your money in your account and keep waiting for a sure-fire investment, you’ll probably eventually end up buying government bonds and profit just a little more than if you kept collecting the minimal interest on your savings account. But if you take the money, make a good business plan, get good advice, carefully select the right equipment, and commit to your operation like it’s your child, then you’re going to profit.

God doesn’t choose people for us.

We don’t know whether He does or not. Either assertion is taken too far.

 

[chevalier]

Not all men, just almost all the men I know (including myself). I can think of one man I knew who perhaps wasn’t like that, but that’s all. If a man thinks a woman is sizing him up as a potential spouse right from the start, most will find that to be far too intense.

And the same goes for women, in general. Personally, I don’t like that. If we’re Christian and we realise that marriage is where human sexuality is meant to be lived, and we reject all other kinds of sexual partnership and exclude them outright (which can be taken for granted among Christians, as we’ve generally given up the right to opt for short-term concubinages etc.), and we largely believe short-term flings to be pointless, then it’s pretty obvious that all man-and-woman interaction between singles looking for a mate is obviously with marriage as the ultimate goal. So no need to give in to jerk reactions and be phobic about the sizing-up.

So, for example, I don’t take it against a woman if she asks me questions that can’t really have any other purpose than sizing me up as a tentative candidate for herself or some other woman. That’s just nature at work, and I think it’s the well-adjusted kind of nature at work. It’s the good way things work. It’s even nice to look at that kind of thing at work.

On the other hand, what I don’t like is when someone clearly can’t be into me like that, or even clearly isn’t into me like that, but is just trying to get married to whomever

 

[57thDimension]

Well that is what she wrote, “How do I know if a guy is one chosen by God?”

No, she didn’t. She hasn’t actually said that the man must be “chosen by God.” That’s an assumption on your part.

Their character will be revealed over time, without having to analyse them.

I don’t think that is wise at all. As it is, serotonin impairs judgment (of another person’s character), so there should be an effort made to assess a person beyond impressions. Marriage is normally an irreversible decision, and should be treated as such.

Until you get to know someone you are in no position to measure them against any standard.

Why not?

You would be making a judgment on something you know absolutely nothing about (i.e. the person’s character)

If someone is unemployed (and does not intend to seek employment) they most certainly can be rejected, for example. You appear to be equivocating on the word “judgment.”

Not all men, just almost all the men I know (including myself).

Then you shouldn’t be writing your comment as if you speak for all men.

If a man thinks a woman is sizing him up as a potential spouse right from the start, most will find that to be far too intense.

That’s the point of dating/courting. Nowadays, people have gone towards something akin to “dating for fun, not for marriage.”

+Sebastian

 

[chevalier]

+Sebastian

Are you a priest?

 

[57thDimension]

Are you a priest?

No. I am in minor orders, though. Do you ask in regards to the “+”? I’ve been told (by priests, no less) that its use is appropriate for anyone (it is akin to “JMJ”).

My apologies if it caused any confusion.

+Sebastian

 

[GraceUnderFire]

There’s no absolutely convincing theological ground to claim that God actually hand-picks our spouses. Rather, we have been given our natural faculties and should pick well. Providence does affect our lives, but individually preordained spouse choices are a stretch. It’s not that God doesn’t love us enough, that’d be blasphemous to think, but there’s just no evidence for the ‘soulmate theory’ from a theological point of view.

Actually, the Bible has several cases where God directly guides one to marry another. While there are probably several people a person could marry and be reasonably happy with, I do believe there is a best choice that God will arrange if we give Him the chance to. This has nothing to do with believing in “soulmates.” God requires surrender in all areas of our lives but the picking of a spouse is one where people (especially these days) don’t want to surrender. Look how disastrous modern dating has become once the guidance of parents and authority figures was removed from courtship. Also, believing that God can and does order/arrange love stories in no way means one believes that he or she can stay inside all day waiting for God’s chosen to knock on the door. God works in concert with our effort but with His grace, he will lead us to a holy spouse. Several Christian books have been written on the subject so I would say there is “convincing theology” out there.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

Chosen by God? Do they have to be?

Maybe you should relax a bit and treat men you meet at face value, rather than worrying about measuring them up against certain standards, let alone worry about whether they are “Chosen by God”? Just get to know people as people first, don’t measure them up against certain standards before you even get to know them.

If a man thinks he’s getting measured up against a certain standard, he’ll run a mile away. We really don’t like that.

I think you might be projecting. . .

There was nothing in OP’s post to suggest she’s picing apart men for superficial reasons. Why wouldn’t she want a spouse chosen by God? Have you read Three to Get Married? God should be at the center of all relationships so when human love fails, the love of God continues to fan the flame.

Men who run away from a woman with standards probably realizes he misses the mark in the first place, which usually has nothing to do with the woman.

 

[chevalier]

Actually, the Bible has several cases where God directly guides one to marry another. While there are probably several people a person could marry and be reasonably happy with, I do believe there is a best choice that God will arrange if we give Him the chance to. This has nothing to do with believing in “soulmates.” God requires surrender in all areas of our lives but the picking of a spouse is one where people (especially these days) don’t want to surrender. Look how disastrous modern dating has become once the guidance of parents and authority figures was removed from courtship. Also, believing that God can and does order/arrange love stories in no way means one believes that he or she can stay inside all day waiting for God’s chosen to knock on the door. God works in concert with our effort but with His grace, he will lead us to a holy spouse. Several Christian books have been written on the subject so I would say there is “convincing theology” out there.

I believe the bolded part best sums it up. You note that the Bible has several cases of that, but not more than several. And then you add that the pool for happy marriage is larger than 1. That’s pretty much all there is to my position.

But later you go on to fuzzy it away by disclaiming ‘soulmate theory’ while repeating it again just after you take a detour to bring back fond memories of arranged marriages, ultimately to claim that there is ‘convincing theology’ for… for exactly what? ‘Several Christian books have been written on the subject,’ doesn’t come close to being precise.

Sorry, if you want to blast me off the water you need a better cannon master.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

I believe the bolded part best sums it up. You note that the Bible has several cases of that, but not more than several. And then you add that the pool for happy marriage is larger than 1. That’s pretty much all there is to my position.

But later you go on to fuzzy it away by disclaiming ‘soulmate theory’ while repeating it again just after you take a detour to bring back fond memories of arranged marriages, ultimately to claim that there is ‘convincing theology’ for… for exactly what? ‘Several Christian books have been written on the subject,’ doesn’t come close to being precise.

Sorry, if you want to blast me off the water you need a better cannon master.

Nope, my goal isn’t to blast you off the water. I’d rather not be 1 of several woman my spouse feels he could have married–I’d rather he believed God had a purpose in our meeting. I know my position is not a popular one because it involves patience and surrender, which human nature abhors. I also don’t pretend to understand how it works–I just know that it does. A truly God-ordained marriage is a mystery–not a task one checks off from a to-do list. There are more than a few anecdotal cases in the Bible and in real life–literally scores of God-authored love stories out there. The issue is whether one believes God can. It takes humility to believe that God knows best in this area. I’m sure I won’t convince you (which isn’t my goal) rather to offer another view that is Biblically sound and written about by numerous Christian authors. Pax.

 

[Lorelei12]

Also, believing that God can and does order/arrange love stories in no way means one believes that he or she can stay inside all day waiting for God’s chosen to knock on the door. God works in concert with our effort but with His grace, he will lead us to a holy spouse. Several Christian books have been written on the subject so I would say there is “convincing theology” out there.

So, what happens if you choose “incorrectly”? If God has a specific person in mind for us, and we choose someone else, then doesn’t that make your spouse the “wrong” person? This is the same argument a lot of people use for divorce- “well, I married the wrong person the first time around.”

No- the person you are married to is the “right” person, always.