How Do I Go About Meeting Someone Chosen By God?

[chevalier]

Nope, my goal isn’t to blast you off the water. I’d rather not be 1 of several woman my spouse feels he could have married–I’d rather he believed God had a purpose in our meeting.

I’d rather believe whatever were true because it were true.

Also, if God actually were to bring two people together on purpose, the purpose could have more to do with eternal than temporal happiness. It might not be the most emotionally pleasing marriage but e.g. one that sanctifies the parties involved the most.

I know my position is not a popular one because it involves patience and surrender,

So does choosing a spouse carefully, looking and looking as years pass, without settling for less than should be the case. Our version of patience and surrender is different from the one that’s typically associated with islam.

A truly God-ordained marriage is a mystery–not a task one checks off from a to-do list. There are more than a few anecdotal cases in the Bible and in real life–literally scores of God-authored love stories out there.

There are only several cases in the Bible at best. Also, the Bible is real life! Finally, those stories you refer to may just be the God’s assistance and not a proof of God’s having made the match.

The issue is whether one believes God can. It takes humility to believe that God knows best in this area.

1. God does know best in this area.
2. God is omnipotent also, so He can do it.
3. God cares enough to get involved personally like that.
4. There’s still not enough support to claim that God actually picks spouses for everybody.

rather to offer another view that is Biblically sound and written about by numerous Christian authors. Pax.

Which ones?

So, what happens if you choose “incorrectly”? If God has a specific person in mind for us, and we choose someone else, then doesn’t that make your spouse the “wrong” person? This is the same argument a lot of people use for divorce- “well, I married the wrong person the first time around.”

No- the person you are married to is the “right” person, always.

Yes, there is that danger. While we all probably agree that the sacrament of marriage is not conditional on having chosen right, it must be stressed that once a valid marriage has been contracted and as long as the spouse still lives, the door to rectifying a bad choice is shut. And the marriage is no less a marriage because of the suboptimal choice or even bad choice.

 

[chevalier]

And yes, it’s very, very important to marry someone who will be able to give up the are you right or are you wrong kind of speculation (along with the what-ifs) and just accept the reality of the marriage and work from there.

Sometimes I think people fail to realise how much they could achieve if they simply got down to work instead of reliving the choice, reassuring themselves they chose right etc. Even romance can be sparked by hard work and if not some kind of ardent fire, then certainly warm feelings, respect, commitment, comfort most of all.

 

[mrajax]

Listen missy, you shouldn’t be too concerned about which guy God chooses for you as love doesn’t come by destiny. People are not set by destiny nor is there a destined special someone for anyone at all. Things follow God’s plan but even God doesn’t want things to take an exact course. You shouldn’t try finding a totally perfect Prince Charming but someone who is a good person and to your taste, somebody you’ll end up loving and not a pre-thought out human, somebody who is merely a cheerful chap who neverthless loves and protects you.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

So, what happens if you choose “incorrectly”? If God has a specific person in mind for us, and we choose someone else, then doesn’t that make your spouse the “wrong” person? This is the same argument a lot of people use for divorce- “well, I married the wrong person the first time around.”

No- the person you are married to is the “right” person, always.

No you can absolutely marry the wrong person. You can’t tell me the woman married to an abusive husband made a good choice. God respects free will–that doesn’t mean He approved of our choice. That’s why prayer and patience are key for discerning His will for us.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

I’d rather believe whatever were true because it were true.

Also, if God actually were to bring two people together on purpose, the purpose could have more to do with eternal than temporal happiness. It might not be the most emotionally pleasing marriage but e.g. one that sanctifies the parties involved the most.

So does choosing a spouse carefully, looking and looking as years pass, without settling for less than should be the case. Our version of patience and surrender is different from the one that’s typically associated with islam.

There are only several cases in the Bible at best. Also, the Bible is real life! Finally, those stories you refer to may just be the God’s assistance and not a proof of God’s having made the match.

1. God does know best in this area.
2. God is omnipotent also, so He can do it.
3. God cares enough to get involved personally like that.
4. There’s still not enough support to claim that God actually picks spouses for everybody.

Which ones?

Yes, there is that danger. While we all probably agree that the sacrament of marriage is not conditional on having chosen right, it must be stressed that once a valid marriage has been contracted and as long as the spouse still lives, the door to rectifying a bad choice is shut. And the marriage is no less a marriage because of the suboptimal choice or even bad choice.

Authors include the Ludys, Cheryl McKay, Katie Hartfiel, Stephanie Herzog, Elisabeth Elliot to name just a few. Again, I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything and I stand by my “claim.”

 

[thewanderer]

No you can absolutely marry the wrong person. You can’t tell me the woman married to an abusive husband made a good choice. God respects free will–that doesn’t mean He approved of our choice. That’s why prayer and patience are key for discerning His will for us.

Well thanks for making it sound as though God didn’t want me or my siblings to exist.

Seriously though, you can make bad choices about who to marry in that who you choose will make your life more or less difficult, but once you have chosen, thats it, the person you are married to becomes that one and only for you, for life. Period. So you choose carefully, but there isn’t some one soulmate selected by God just wandering the world waiting for you to find them. There are men and women some of who will be more suited to you and some of whom won’t. You find someone who you can live with, whose failings you can deal with, who shows good signs of being a real helper and companion in this life, and then you choose them. It is not until you make your marriage vows that they truly become your vocation, and once you do, no matter how much easier your life could have been with someone else, it doesn’t matter, your vocation is to the person you married. End of story. No more room for wishful thinking about “what might have been”. In otherwords, no man becomes “the one God wants you to be with” until you personally make a vow to be with that person, and once you make that vow, then God wishes you to live out the vocation and path of life which you have chosen and vowed to follow to the best of your ability.

 

[chevalier]

Authors include the Ludys, Cheryl McKay, Katie Hartfiel, Stephanie Herzog, Elisabeth Elliot to name just a few. Again, I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything and I stand by my “claim.”

That list includes young lay speakers and fiction writers, even those with stronger theologican connections don’t necessarily seem to be Catholic writers, while a soulmate theory could probably appeal more strongly to someone with a Calvinist (reformed) leaning, such as many Protestant groups are, due the predestination bent. How about a Catholic theologian?

 

[GraceUnderFire]

Well thanks for making it sound as though God didn’t want me or my siblings to exist.

Seriously though, you can make bad choices about who to marry in that who you choose will make your life more or less difficult, but once you have chosen, thats it, the person you are married to becomes that one and only for you, for life. Period. So you choose carefully, but there isn’t some one soulmate selected by God just wandering the world waiting for you to find them. There are men and women some of who will be more suited to you and some of whom won’t. You find someone who you can live with, whose failings you can deal with, who shows good signs of being a real helper and companion in this life, and then you choose them. It is not until you make your marriage vows that they truly become your vocation, and once you do, no matter how much easier your life could have been with someone else, it doesn’t matter, your vocation is to the person you married. End of story. No more room for wishful thinking about “what might have been”. In otherwords, no man becomes “the one God wants you to be with” until you personally make a vow to be with that person, and once you make that vow, then God wishes you to live out the vocation and path of life which you have chosen and vowed to follow to the best of your ability.

Please do not put words into my mouth. I don’t know you and certainly didn’t allude to anything about your family situation.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

That list includes young lay speakers and fiction writers, even those with stronger theologican connections don’t necessarily seem to be Catholic writers, while a soulmate theory could probably appeal more strongly to someone with a Calvinist (reformed) leaning, such as many Protestant groups are, due the predestination bent. How about a Catholic theologian?

I’m satisfied with that list since I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything. You are free to search if you so desire. Even if there are none (have no idea) it doesn’t change my position. Have a good day.

 

[Lorelei12]

Well thanks for making it sound as though God didn’t want me or my siblings to exist.

Seriously though, you can make bad choices about who to marry in that who you choose will make your life more or less difficult, but once you have chosen, thats it, the person you are married to becomes that one and only for you, for life. Period. So you choose carefully, but there isn’t some one soulmate selected by God just wandering the world waiting for you to find them. There are men and women some of who will be more suited to you and some of whom won’t. You find someone who you can live with, whose failings you can deal with, who shows good signs of being a real helper and companion in this life, and then you choose them. It is not until you make your marriage vows that they truly become your vocation, and once you do, no matter how much easier your life could have been with someone else, it doesn’t matter, your vocation is to the person you married. End of story. No more room for wishful thinking about “what might have been”. In otherwords, no man becomes “the one God wants you to be with” until you personally make a vow to be with that person, and once you make that vow, then God wishes you to live out the vocation and path of life which you have chosen and vowed to follow to the best of your ability.

Yes, this exactly, especially the bolded. God expects both spouses to “love and honor” each other all the days of their lives. If one or the other doesn’t do this, it doesn’t mean the other one “chose wrong”- it means they aren’t honoring their vows.

Grace- suppose abuse or any other such thing is taken out of the equation. If someone realizes that they married the “wrong person”, whatever that means, what do they then do?

And what about widows or widowers who remarry?

As for the woman with an abusive husband, obviously for her own safety and that of her children, if there are any, she needs to get herself out of the situation. Perhaps even divorce civilly for financial reasons. But she is still sacramentally married, no matter the mess her husband has made of their lives. There may even be a case for an annulment, depending on the circumstances. But what you are saying seems to be much different- that God has one specific person in mind, that you both must somehow come across one another in this big wide world, and unless this happens you shouldn’t get married?

 

[thewanderer]

Yes, this exactly, especially the bolded. God expects both spouses to “love and honor” each other all the days of their lives. If one or the other doesn’t do this, it doesn’t mean the other one “chose wrong”- it means they aren’t honoring their vows.

Grace- suppose abuse or any other such thing is taken out of the equation. If someone realizes that they married the “wrong person”, whatever that means, what do they then do?

And what about widows or widowers who remarry?

As for the woman with an abusive husband, obviously for her own safety and that of her children, if there are any, she needs to get herself out of the situation. Perhaps even divorce civilly for financial reasons.** But she is still sacramentally married, no matter the mess her husband has made of their lives.** There may even be a case for an annulment, depending on the circumstances.

But what you are saying seems to be much different- that God has one specific person in mind, that you both must somehow come across one another in this big wide world, and unless this happens you shouldn’t get married?

Or that if you wind up in a bad situation it means you were never supposed to marry that person… which is false. There is no “supposed to” in who you choose to marry. You choose, and once you choose, thats it, that is who you are supposed to be married to, even if they are abusive (unless of course you receive an annulment). The only thing that makes a person be the one you are “supposed” to be married to is the fact that you made a vow to that particular person.

Yes, God in His providential kindness can bring two people together who seem to match each other so perfectly that they can seem like “soul mates”, but this does not always happen, and, even in such a case, unless they actually get married and make those vows, they are both free to choose to get married to others, and, in doing so, would prove that they were not, in fact, “supposed” to get married to each other. The vocation of marriage is to the actual particular person that you freely choose to marry, not to some person who God ordained for you to meet one day as your soul mate.

 

[chevalier]

The vocation of marriage is to the actual particular person that you freely choose to marry, not to some person who God ordained for you to meet one day as your soul mate.

That you actually don’t know.

 

[thewanderer]

That you actually don’t know.

No, the point is that even if God did decide there was some person He wanted us to marry, our vocation is only to the person that we actually marry. So if He wanted you to marry someone, and you married someone else, then your vocation is not to be married to the person God wanted, but to be married to the person you actually are married to.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

I’m sorry about how you were treated in the past. I would say that instead of focusing on finding a man who is “chosen by God”, you focus on making friends. Once you learn to open up and be friends with people - men, women, old, young, married, single, etc. - men will be more attracted to you since you will appear more open and approachable.

How to make friends? Start by finding something you have in common with the other person. Do things with groups of people. Others have mentioned church activities. That’s one way. Friendships take time to develop; sharing of common experiences. You know who to trust by experience and time.

I found a man who was “chosen by God” by making a list of qualities I wanted in a man and praying about it. The list included “negotiables” and “non-negotiables”. He had to be a devout Catholic, be family-oriented, like baseball, and be financially responsible, among other things. I also wanted someone over 6’ tall (since I’m almost that tall) and who could dance, but those were “negotiable”. We both had to discern whether we felt called to marriage and if we were right for each other, but I think a list and prayer is a good start.

 

[chevalier]

No, the point is that even if God did decide there was some person He wanted us to marry, our vocation is only to the person that we actually marry. So if He wanted you to marry someone, and you married someone else, then your vocation is not to be married to the person God wanted, but to be married to the person you actually are married to.

There’s some tidying up to do. Look, it’s like with marriage and priesthood. Priesthood actually can be your vocation – not in the sense that you’re already exercising it but that you’re called to prepare for it and then do it – but sure when you marry a woman instead, then you have to live your marriage instead.

You could probably say that our basic vocation is to do God’s will (which may be the same as the basic vocation to sanctity that applies to all of us), so you could have a vocation to marry a specific person in that sense if it were God’s will that you marry that specific person. If you, on the other hand, marry someone else, then you have to live the married vocation out with that other person, not the one God had chosen for you (if).

(Obviously, there is no vocation-based excuse for someone who is already married to someone else.)

 

[thewanderer]

There’s some tidying up to do. Look, it’s like with marriage and priesthood. Priesthood actually can be your vocation – not in the sense that you’re already exercising it but that you’re called to prepare for it and then do it – but sure when you marry a woman instead, then you have to live your marriage instead.

You could probably say that our basic vocation is to do God’s will (which may be the same as the basic vocation to sanctity that applies to all of us), so you could have a vocation to marry a specific person in that sense if it were God’s will that you marry that specific person. If you, on the other hand, marry someone else,** then you have to live the married vocation **out with that other person, not the one God had chosen for you (if).

(Obviously, there is no vocation-based excuse for someone who is already married to someone else.)

Then, not only do you have to live out the married vocation, but it actually becomes your vocation in a much more real sense than it had ever been your “vocation” to marry someone else. Before you are actually married you can only have a vocation to marry someone in a potential way, it is only when you actually marry someone (or become a religious) that you can truly be said to have a vocation in the fullest sense. So yes, you could in some sense have a vocation to marry a certain person in that that is what God was hoping you would do (obviously understanding this in a theologically correct way) but it is not really your vocation until/unless you actually marry that person.

 

[chevalier]

Then, not only do you have to live out the married vocation, but it actually becomes your vocation in a much more real sense than it had ever been your “vocation” to marry someone else. Before you are actually married you can only have a vocation to marry someone in a potential way, it is only when you actually marry someone (or become a religious) that you can truly be said to have a vocation in the fullest sense. So yes, you could in some sense have a vocation to marry a certain person in that that is what God was hoping you would do (obviously understanding this in a theologically correct way) but it is not really your vocation until/unless you actually marry that person.

You can have a vocation and reject it. A vocation doesn’t start the moment you undergo the respective sacrament that seals it.

Which, of course, doesn’t mean there’s any excuse for not being faithful to one’s actual marriage (or that any sort of vocation to marry someone else might still exist at that point).

Also, God could actually will and command rather than merely hoping. But I’d rather not take it further as I’m not a good theologian and I’d prefer to avoid potentially saying something heretical out of ignorance.

 

[thewanderer]

You can have a vocation and reject it. A vocation doesn’t start the moment you undergo the respective sacrament that seals it.

Which, of course, doesn’t mean there’s any excuse for not being faithful to one’s actual marriage (or that any sort of vocation to marry someone else might still exist at that point).

Also, God could actually will and command rather than merely hoping. But I’d rather not take it further as I’m not a good theologian and I’d prefer to avoid potentially saying something heretical out of ignorance.

I agreed with that, but qualified it by saying that such a vocation can only be said to be yours in a lesser way than a vocation which is actually yours because you have chosen it and vowed yourself to it. In other words, yes, you can have a vocation in some sense to marry some particular person before you are married, but it is your vocation in a lesser sense than it is to love the person that you actually do marry, whomever that person ends up being.

 

[chevalier]

I agreed with that, but qualified it by saying that such a vocation can only be said to be yours in a lesser way than a vocation which is actually yours because you have chosen it and vowed yourself to it. In other words, yes, you can have a vocation in some sense to marry some particular person before you are married, but it is your vocation in a lesser sense than it is to love the person that you actually do marry, whomever that person ends up being.

Like I said, the sacrament has priority.

 

[agapewolf]

No you can absolutely marry the wrong person. You can’t tell me the woman married to an abusive husband made a good choice. God respects free will–that doesn’t mean He approved of our choice. That’s why prayer and patience are key for discerning His will for us.

You are missing some elements from your theory. If God respects free will, then he can decide he wants 2 people to marry, but its not his fault that a boy grows up in an abusive home and learns to be abusive himself, free will right? So does his choosing a couple change simply because the guy is abusive?

And what if he’s aborted? or is in a car wreck and dies? oh well…guess the girl is SOL.

Your theory does not work.