How do I go about this kind of love?

[pandajc]

I had this close relationship with a seminarian who is now a priest. He was ordained months ago. A year ago, he just suddenly cut ties with me. Many months before he became a priest, we were really close friends. He waited for me after class, he texted me often, he brought me food, we had lunch together everyday, he went to our house often and he spoiled me like a kid. He acted like a pseudo boyfriend. He was overprotective of me. And of course, I fell for him. But I did not do anything to let him know about my feelings. I just kept everything to myself. We went like this for almost 6 months everyday.

He then suddenly cut ties. He suddenly became very cold and didn’t want to talk to me anymore. He let our common friend talk to me and let me know that he and I suddenly cannot be friends anymore and that we had to stop seeing each other. He said that from then, i would just be a student and he a minister, no more no less.

Months after having no contact, he was then ordained as a deacon then as a priest.

So I followed what had to be done. I stopped talking to him but still attended the masses he celebrated. I couldn’t just stop serving because I was a part of the choir there and my intentions were to serve God. But something triggered me to stop seeing him. It was because of his homily 2 weeks ago. I knew it was already too personal because he looked at me directly before uttering his homily which he would not usually do since he avoids me often. He said, “I cut the relationship because I want to educate the person. I cut the relationship because I want us both to think separately from each other.” He went around with that many of times in his homily. He even mentioned about being a temptation to his vocation. I didn’t want anything anymore from him. I just wanted to serve God there. I just wanted peace with him. Well with what I recently experienced, I felt that I had to step down and be the one to leave even if it hurt me. Instead of serving there where he also served, I now serve in the choir of another catholic church. I still love God and am still a full pledged catholic even with those things that have happened. I am at a loss of words for those who ask me why I suddenly stopped serving in that chapel. I still love this guy but just in a different way and not the romantic kind of love. I love him because he was there with me during my lowest times. Kind of confused now.

What do I do now? I am hoping for your advise and prayers. Thank you so much for your time.

 

[underacloud]

Both you and the priest have already done what needs to be done. He has "cut ties’ with you because your relationship was innappropriate once he was a priest (and some time before that too), and you have moved to another parish because it is now very awkward.

This is all good. You’ve both done the right thing. There is no need to explain why to anyone, you can just say that you feel more at home in your new parish if anyone asks.

 

[pandajc]

Both you and the priest have already done what needs to be done. He has "cut ties’ with you because your relationship was innappropriate once he was a priest (and some time before that too), and you have moved to another parish because it is now very awkward.

This is all good. You’ve both done the right thing. There is no need to explain why to anyone, you can just say that you feel more at home in your new parish if anyone asks.

Thank you! Would it be wrong if I go there to sing still but not everyday like before?

 

[underacloud]

Thank you! Would it be wrong if I go there to sing still but not everyday like before?

No, nothing wrong with that per se. If you feel comfortable enough around him that it doesn’t bother you, there should be no issues, but that’s up to you really. But you both need to be smart about making sure you don’t (can’t) fall back into old patterns of interaction. If you find it hard to be around each other without feelings developing, either of attraction or perhaps now feelings of resentment, then it’s best to keep a distance.

 

[pandajc]

No, nothing wrong with that per se. If you feel comfortable enough around him that it doesn’t bother you, there should be no issues, but that’s up to you really. But you both need to be smart about making sure you don’t (can’t) fall back into old patterns of interaction. If you find it hard to be around each other without feelings developing, either of attraction or perhaps now feelings of resentment, then it’s best to keep a distance.

Yes. We should be. The thing was that he did not talk to me directly and still somehow, I am still asking myself if I did something wrong. It was just unfair for me because there wasn’t any explanation done. It just happened. So I guess for now, it is better to be far from each other. The thing I am just worried about is that my parents still consider him family. They always talk to me about him even when I told them that we cut ties. And whenever I am alone and see people he knows, they always ask me where he is even after a year of being like this. It is hard for me but I am okay.

 

[GoldenSeal]

pandajc, you did nothing wrong, although you must realize that you need to let go.

It is unfortunate that the priest couldn’t be mature about the situation and tell you face-to-face that he felt unable to continue the friendship he shared with you.

I disagree with some of the other people who have commented about you leaving your parish. For example, someone said, “There is no need to explain why to anyone, you can just say that you feel more at home in your new parish if anyone asks.” Basically, lie about it.

My take on this is, if you love serving in your original parish and have ties there, why should you leave? Leaving on the priest’s account does not help him; he needs to face his emotions and learn how to deal with them in a mature manner. Are you so in love with him that it is too painful for you to stay? Maybe this is something you likewise should work through. Carry yourself with dignity and maturity, develop other friendships, maintain a cordial distance from the priest. Eventually, your feelings will change and you will see all this from an entirely different perspective.

This is something you can rise above; you don’t have to run away to another parish.

 

[underacloud]

I disagree with some of the other people who have commented about you leaving your parish. For example, someone said, “There is no need to explain why to anyone, you can just say that you feel more at home in your new parish if anyone asks.” Basically, lie about it.

No, I am not advocating lying.

But I am saying there is no need to tell people about it. Saying she feels more comfortable at a different parish would be true in this case, even if it not the entire story.

If she wants to stay at her old parish that’s her choice. But it is obviously problematic. Attending a different parish seems like a sensible thing to do at the moment.

 

[pandajc]

pandajc, you did nothing wrong, although you must realize that you need to let go.

It is unfortunate that the priest couldn’t be mature about the situation and tell you face-to-face that he felt unable to continue the friendship he shared with you.

I disagree with some of the other people who have commented about you leaving your parish. For example, someone said, “There is no need to explain why to anyone, you can just say that you feel more at home in your new parish if anyone asks.” Basically, lie about it.

My take on this is, if you love serving in your original parish and have ties there, why should you leave? Leaving on the priest’s account does not help him; he needs to face his emotions and learn how to deal with them in a mature manner. Are you so in love with him that it is too painful for you to stay? Maybe this is something you likewise should work through. Carry yourself with dignity and maturity, develop other friendships, maintain a cordial distance from the priest. Eventually, your feelings will change and you will see all this from an entirely different perspective.

This is something you can rise above; you don’t have to run away to another parish.

Thank you. When he and I were close, he wasn’t a priest yet. He was just a brother. He wasn’t even a deacon. I am still okay with serving there because he isn’t the one I am serving. It is God. I just need reassurance that I am not doing anything wrong. I left because I needed to think through everything too. But I realized that I love God too much to let go of His people there. Yes, he still doesn’t know how to manage his emotions. Thank you so much for your advise i appreciate it a lot!!!

 

[pandajc]

No, I am not advocating lying.

But I am saying there is no need to tell people about it. Saying she feels more comfortable at a different parish would be true in this case, even if it not the entire story.

If she wants to stay at her old parish that’s her choice. But it is obviously problematic. Attending a different parish seems like a sensible thing to do at the moment.

I wanted to leave for a while because it wasn’t helping me at all.

 

[MJJean]

Thank you. When he and I were close, he wasn’t a priest yet. He was just a brother. He wasn’t even a deacon. I am still okay with serving there because he isn’t the one I am serving. It is God. I just need reassurance that I am not doing anything wrong. I left because I needed to think through everything too. But I realized that I love God too much to let go of His people there. Yes, he still doesn’t know how to manage his emotions. Thank you so much for your advise i appreciate it a lot!!!

Have you considered making an appointment to talk to him in his capacity as priest so that you can clear the air? Perhaps, if he understood that your feelings are those of friendly.family love and not romantic love he would be comfortable serving with you. By doing this you could possibly help him grow as a person by assisting him in learning to manage emotions, which I imagine would be very important in his vocation.

 

[GoldenSeal]

Have you considered making an appointment to talk to him in his capacity as priest so that you can clear the air? Perhaps, if he understood that your feelings are those of friendly.family love and not romantic love he would be comfortable serving with you. By doing this you could possibly help him grow as a person by assisting him in learning to manage emotions, which I imagine would be very important in his vocation.

This would normally be the optimal approach; the only problem is that the OP mentioned that she fell for him. If she told him that what she felt was only friendly family love, it wouldn’t quite be true.

pandajc, if anyone did anything wrong, it was your friend the priest. Judging from what you wrote, the two of you shared a close friendship. What you may not be able to see right now is that he not only betrayed the friendship (by not speaking or at least writing to you directly) but he also treated you with great disrespect. Suddenly, you’ve gone from being a close friend to being a “temptation to his vocation.” This is as insulting as it is ridiculous. He could have easily told you (or written) that he needed to call off the relationship and why. That would have been assuming responsibility for his feelings rather than making them “bad” and projecting them on you.

I fear you may be seeing yourself through his confused eyes in that you seem to think you have done something wrong. Do not internalize his issues; do not let him define who you are. If God has called you to serve at that church, serve there. Let your former friend, your priest, deal with his own issues. The truth is, he is almost certainly going to fall in love or have other issues with women many times in his life. He needs to learn how to handle these things without projecting his difficulties on the women involved.

The only problem is, if it is a one-priest parish, you basically don’t have a priest if you need one. In no way can this individual be there for you, he’s made that clear. So in that sense it might be good to become familiar with a priest in a neighboring parish.

I hope priests aren’t taught in seminary to deal with relationship issues in this dysfunctional way; if so, someone needs to revisit the current formation paradigm.

 

[pandajc]

Have you considered making an appointment to talk to him in his capacity as priest so that you can clear the air? Perhaps, if he understood that your feelings are those of friendly.family love and not romantic love he would be comfortable serving with you. By doing this you could possibly help him grow as a person by assisting him in learning to manage emotions, which I imagine w[BIBLEDRB][/BIBLEDRB]ould be very important in his vocation.

I tried. But my counselors said to let it go already since it is now in the past. I don’t understand why it is so hard for him to tell me or to talk to me when really in the past we were like buddies there always for each other and it just happened so suddenly that he cut ties. Our common friend told me that this dude doesn’t have mutual feelings for me. And that he also said that he assumed everything that I felt since we were really beginning to become too close to each other.

 

[pandajc]

This would normally be the optimal approach; the only problem is that the OP mentioned that she fell for him. If she told him that what she felt was only friendly family love, it wouldn’t quite be true.

pandajc, if anyone did anything wrong, it was your friend the priest. Judging from what you wrote, the two of you shared a close friendship. What you may not be able to see right now is that he not only betrayed the friendship (by not speaking or at least writing to you directly) but he also treated you with great disrespect. Suddenly, you’ve gone from being a close friend to being a “temptation to his vocation.” This is as insulting as it is ridiculous. He could have easily told you (or written) that he needed to call off the relationship and why. That would have been assuming responsibility for his feelings rather than making them “bad” and projecting them on you.

I fear you may be seeing yourself through his confused eyes in that you seem to think you have done something wrong. Do not internalize his issues; do not let him define who you are. If God has called you to serve at that church, serve there. Let your former friend, your priest, deal with his own issues. The truth is, he is almost certainly going to fall in love or have other issues with women many times in his life. He needs to learn how to handle these things without projecting his difficulties on the women involved.

The only problem is, if it is a one-priest parish, you basically don’t have a priest if you need one. In no way can this individual be there for you, he’s made that clear. So in that sense it might be good to become familiar with a priest in a neighboring parish.

I hope priests aren’t taught in seminary to deal with relationship issues in this dysfunctional way; if so, someone needs to revisit the current formation paradigm.

I told my counselors the truth. And I talked to a priest that was very close to that guy I fell for. The priest said that I did not do anything wrong because I just fell in love and told me that there was nothing wrong with falling in love.

I found it very unfair when he stopped all communications, blocked me from facebook, cut ties all of a sudden. He even changed his number. I found it disrespectful and my family also was affected by what happened. It was so sudden that until now, my parents keep on asking me if this guy talks to me already. That silence did not help at all.

I do not understand his ways because, at one point he’s very friendly then the next thing you know, he avoids you all of a sudden. It is just so confusing.

Actually, that was my point too. I serve not him but God. But when he indirectly told those words of, “I cut the relationship because I want to educate the person, I cut the relationship because i wanted us to think separately from each other, I gave all my trust to this person and it was just thrown out to the trash.” I found it very inappropriate and mean.

 

[pandajc]

This would normally be the optimal approach; the only problem is that the OP mentioned that she fell for him. If she told him that what she felt was only friendly family love, it wouldn’t quite be true.

pandajc, if anyone did anything wrong, it was your friend the priest. Judging from what you wrote, the two of you shared a close friendship. What you may not be able to see right now is that he not only betrayed the friendship (by not speaking or at least writing to you directly) but he also treated you with great disrespect. Suddenly, you’ve gone from being a close friend to being a “temptation to his vocation.” This is as insulting as it is ridiculous. He could have easily told you (or written) that he needed to call off the relationship and why. That would have been assuming responsibility for his feelings rather than making them “bad” and projecting them on you.

I fear you may be seeing yourself through his confused eyes in that you seem to think you have done something wrong. Do not internalize his issues; do not let him define who you are. If God has called you to serve at that church, serve there. Let your former friend, your priest, deal with his own issues. The truth is, he is almost certainly going to fall in love or have other issues with women many times in his life. He needs to learn how to handle these things without projecting his difficulties on the women involved.

The only problem is, if it is a one-priest parish, you basically don’t have a priest if you need one. In no way can this individual be there for you, he’s made that clear. So in that sense it might be good to become familiar with a priest in a neighboring parish.

I hope priests aren’t taught in seminary to deal with relationship issues in this dysfunctional way; if so, someone needs to revisit the current formation paradigm.

That is actually true, in a sense, I don’t really have a priest I could talk to. Like with my problems and my spirituality. I miss having a conversation with a priest because it is as if. God is the one talking me into these things.

 

[GoldenSeal]

I told my counselors the truth. And I talked to a priest that was very close to that guy I fell for. The priest said that I did not do anything wrong because I just fell in love and told me that there was nothing wrong with falling in love.

I found it very unfair when he stopped all communications, blocked me from facebook, cut ties all of a sudden. He even changed his number. I found it disrespectful and my family also was affected by what happened. It was so sudden that until now, my parents keep on asking me if this guy talks to me already. That silence did not help at all.

I do not understand his ways because, at one point he’s very friendly then the next thing you know, he avoids you all of a sudden. It is just so confusing.

Actually, that was my point too. I serve not him but God. But when he indirectly told those words of, “I cut the relationship because I want to educate the person, I cut the relationship because i wanted us to think separately from each other, I gave all my trust to this person and it was just thrown out to the trash.” I found it very inappropriate and mean.

You didn’t mention “and it was just thrown out to the trash” before. Are you sure he was referring to you? It’s very possible he had close relationships with other people, too.

In one sense, it doesn’t matter. The disrespect occurred when he suddenly stopped all communication, blocked you, and changed his number. It sounds as if he no longer saw you as a friend, but as an object of temptation. By the way, this suggests that the original friendship was mainly some means of gratification to him, if he could objectify you that easily and quickly.

You have several choices. When I suggested that you stay put in your original church, I was assuming you have close friendships and ties there. If he is your only close tie, it might be good to seek another parish after all. If any ministry or activity you’re involved in involves the priest, that’s another sign you might want to move elsewhere. Let me assure you, it is likely you are feeding his ego. He will know from your eyes how you feel about him. He will know from your body language if you’re trying to pretend otherwise. If you are at a church mainly for the priest, that isn’t good. It’s something you’ll have to ask yourself and answer with complete honesty.

Now, if you have a variety of close and strong friendships (outside the priest), have a lot of people you hang out with, are involved in activities and ministries that the priest is not, that is what I was thinking of when I urged you to stay. If this is the case, stay and be happy. Just be happy without your priest being a part of it. The ideal is to feel nothing when you look at him, and to look at him only when you need to. You don’t want to feed his ego in any sort of way, because as you feed him, you are starving yourself.

He has made his vows which you must respect. He has clearly stated how he wants to (not) relate to you, which you also must respect. Emotionally as well as keeping your distance physically. Emotionally, you haven’t accepted his “get lost, you’re a sex object that’s tempting me from my vocation” yet. It’s evident from your posts that your life is on hold. Do whatever you have to do to let go of this man. Get involved in a variety of healthy relationships, and someone who is available will come along, someone who will love AND respect you.

And stop talking about him to other people. That keeps everything alive and close. Let it die so you can live again.

Don’t worry about your family. If they ask about him, simply tell them the two of you don’t talk anymore, so you don’t know how he’s doing. Eventually, they will stop asking.

 

[schaeffer]

I found it very unfair when he stopped all communications, blocked me from facebook, cut ties all of a sudden. He even changed his number. I found it disrespectful and my family also was affected by what happened. It was so sudden that until now, my parents keep on asking me if this guy talks to me already. That silence did not help at all.

I do not understand his ways because, at one point he’s very friendly then the next thing you know, he avoids you all of a sudden. It is just so confusing.

Your feelings, both about him, and about the loss of the friendship are understandable.

I don’t know you or he personally, but I am familiar with such situations, and I think that the general wisdom in approaching them might shed some light on how things played out.

First, men preparing for the priesthood have spiritual directors and confessors. It is very possible that his advised him to take the actions he took, and he did so out of obedience.

Again, not knowing you personally, the truth is that often in such situations even though we think we can be “just friends” etc, and we want that to be true with our whole being, in reality it is not the case.

If the other person has that “closure” discussion, we are likely to bargain…“oh, but we can just be friends” etc etc, when the truth is they cannot. And no matter best intentions, the intensity of feelings on the part of one or both of the parties continues to be a distraction, temptation etc. Sometimes the best way is to end it, no discussion, no compromise etc. It’s is painful, but it can be for the best in the end, sometimes even the pain of that can lead to a sealing off of feelings. Like an amputation.

even if you feel you could handle just being friends, and it may be 100% true, perhaps that would be a difficulty for him, a distraction, or could lead to some manner of scandal that it is best to avoid. Even if you were not in any way having an inapporpriate relationship, a level of closeness could be misinterpreted and affect his ministry.

We always hope and believe we would be the exception. That we are strong and would not fall prey to the feelings and situations that other people do. That may be true, or it may not.

It sounds as if his homily was a clear statement, and I would advise you to take it as such rather than continue to seek to single yourself out and seek or demand a more personal explanation from him.

Since you clearly seek to serve the parish and God, seek discernment as to whether or not the sacrifice of this personal relationship may indeed be a strong way of doing just that. Put your personal feelings aside for the good of his ministry, the parish, and in the end your own well being. Letting this go and prayerfully moving on will leave you open to better serving and to one day have a relationship with a man who can commit fully to marriage.

It may be true that the best way of doing so would be to attend and serve at a neighboring parish. Seek to be as fully and deeply honest as you can about that.

As painful and confusing as this situation is, My guess is that he behaved in this manner out of respect and love for himself, you, his vocation and God.

 

[HelenRose]

I tried. But my counselors said to let it go already since it is now in the past. I don’t understand why it is so hard for him to tell me or to talk to me when really in the past we were like buddies there always for each other and it just happened so suddenly that he cut ties. Our common friend told me that this dude doesn’t have mutual feelings for me. And that he also said that he assumed everything that I felt since we were really beginning to become too close to each other.

He himself may not know why it is hard for him.
Your counselors are right. You must let it go.

It is like an addiction. With God’s help you can overcome it but like an addiction you need to stay away from him. Go to another parish in order to not appear that you are stalking him. Chances are your feelings are known and talked about in the parish you are in. There are always some very astute, not so Christian, people in every church who can read faces and emotions quite well. For your sake and for this priests sake leave him alone.

If someone questions you about your decision, with a gentle smile say, “That is my business.”

 

[runwaymodel]

I told my counselors the truth. And I talked to a priest that was very close to that guy I fell for. The priest said that I did not do anything wrong because I just fell in love and told me that there was nothing wrong with falling in love.

I found it very unfair when he stopped all communications, blocked me from facebook, cut ties all of a sudden. He even changed his number. I found it disrespectful and my family also was affected by what happened. It was so sudden that until now, my parents keep on asking me if this guy talks to me already. That silence did not help at all.

I do not understand his ways because, at one point he’s very friendly then the next thing you know, he avoids you all of a sudden. It is just so confusing.

Actually, that was my point too. I serve not him but God. But when he indirectly told those words of, “I cut the relationship because I want to educate the person, I cut the relationship because i wanted us to think separately from each other, I gave all my trust to this person and it was just thrown out to the trash.” I found it very inappropriate and mean.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it seems to me you’re being a little selfish. You keep saying how its unfair that he cut ties from you, didn’t give you an explanation, blocked you from FB when it is pretty clear that he needed to do these things to focus on his vocation. I know you want “closure”, a lot of women are like that, but sometimes that is just unnecessary. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you guys were friends for 6 months? If this was a friendship with years & years of involvement I would understand why the sudden cold shoulder would be unjustified.
Why don’t you find a different parish? You would still be serving God regardless of what parish you attend.
My prayers are with you, my friend.

 

[GoldenSeal]

Since you clearly seek to serve the parish and God, seek discernment as to whether or not the sacrifice of this personal relationship may indeed be a strong way of doing just that. Put your personal feelings aside for the good of his ministry, the parish, and in the end your own well being. Letting this go and prayerfully moving on will leave you open to better serving and to one day have a relationship with a man who can commit fully to marriage.

It may be true that the best way of doing so would be to attend and serve at a neighboring parish. Seek to be as fully and deeply honest as you can about that.

As painful and confusing as this situation is, My guess is that he behaved in this manner out of respect and love for himself, you, his vocation and God.

It appears you (along with some others on this thread) are asking the OP to assume responsibility for her priest’s emotional immaturity and fear of dealing with his own emotions. If pandajc has close friendships at this parish, if she is involved in meaningful ministries, why should she have to leave? The priest’s emotional problems are not going to be solved if this woman leaves. There will always be another crush, or some other problem involving a woman. Is every woman he ever has a problem with to leave the church? Seriously?

It seems the OP realizes she has to sacrifice the relationship, but she needs to do this for her own well-being, not that of the priest. His feelings are his responsibility, not hers. His ministry is his responsibility, not hers. If leaving is best for her, then she should leave. If leaving isn’t best for her, and the priest can’t handle having her around, maybe he should request a transfer. If he can’t deal with having women attracted to him, maybe he shouldn’t be a priest at all.

 

[HelenRose]

Friends don’t demand explanations. Friends do not jeopardize a friend’s job (or in this case his vocation). You can make this a very difficult situation for this priest. You can also become a topic of not so flattering talk.