How do I go about this kind of love?

[HelenRose]

It appears you (along with some others on this thread) are asking the OP to assume responsibility for her priest’s emotional immaturity and fear of dealing with his own emotions. If pandajc has close friendships at this parish, if she is involved in meaningful ministries, why should she have to leave? The priest’s emotional problems are not going to be solved if this woman leaves. There will always be another crush, or some other problem involving a woman. Is every woman he ever has a problem with to leave the church? Seriously?

It seems the OP realizes she has to sacrifice the relationship, but she needs to do this for her own well-being, not that of the priest. His feelings are his responsibility, not hers. His ministry is his responsibility, not hers. If leaving is best for her, then she should leave. If leaving isn’t best for her, and the priest can’t handle having her around, maybe he should request a transfer. If he can’t deal with having women attracted to him, maybe he shouldn’t be a priest at all.

He is not the one complaining. She is the one that is miserable. It is her call. Leave this priest alone, stay and quit feeling sorry for herself. Or leave and find peace elsewhere.

 

[pandajc]

You didn’t mention “and it was just thrown out to the trash” before. Are you sure he was referring to you? It’s very possible he had close relationships with other people, too.

In one sense, it doesn’t matter. The disrespect occurred when he suddenly stopped all communication, blocked you, and changed his number. It sounds as if he no longer saw you as a friend, but as an object of temptation. By the way, this suggests that the original friendship was mainly some means of gratification to him, if he could objectify you that easily and quickly.

You have several choices. When I suggested that you stay put in your original church, I was assuming you have close friendships and ties there. If he is your only close tie, it might be good to seek another parish after all. If any ministry or activity you’re involved in involves the priest, that’s another sign you might want to move elsewhere. Let me assure you, it is likely you are feeding his ego. He will know from your eyes how you feel about him. He will know from your body language if you’re trying to pretend otherwise. If you are at a church mainly for the priest, that isn’t good. It’s something you’ll have to ask yourself and answer with complete honesty.

Now, if you have a variety of close and strong friendships (outside the priest), have a lot of people you hang out with, are involved in activities and ministries that the priest is not, that is what I was thinking of when I urged you to stay. If this is the case, stay and be happy. Just be happy without your priest being a part of it. The ideal is to feel nothing when you look at him, and to look at him only when you need to. You don’t want to feed his ego in any sort of way, because as you feed him, you are starving yourself.

He has made his vows which you must respect. He has clearly stated how he wants to (not) relate to you, which you also must respect. Emotionally as well as keeping your distance physically. Emotionally, you haven’t accepted his “get lost, you’re a sex object that’s tempting me from my vocation” yet. It’s evident from your posts that your life is on hold. Do whatever you have to do to let go of this man. Get involved in a variety of healthy relationships, and someone who is available will come along, someone who will love AND respect you.

And stop talking about him to other people. That keeps everything alive and close. Let it die so you can live again.

Don’t worry about your family. If they ask about him, simply tell them the two of you don’t talk anymore, so you don’t know how he’s doing. Eventually, they will stop asking.

Yes, thank you so much, GoldenSeal. I appreciate everything. Yes I have people who are my friends there. I am okay actually. I just had these moments of thinking and going through life that I had to have someone to talk to about this that’s outside of the box. Thank you so much. Don’t worry. I am fine. I have God, my family and my friends. I really don’t need some annoyance. Haha. I am actually busy with my post grad course so I am really okay. Thanks so much again for your time and effort in replying to me. And yes, I respect him. I don’t talk to him the way we did back then. Boundaries were already set since he stopped talking to me. So i knew from there that we really couldn’t be friends anymore. I knew from there that we won’t be the same anymore. A year has passed and a lot changed already and I really saw that I am better off without this person. I was stuck with him (literally) and I felt like I was in this cage. He was that controlling. When. I was off the leash, i felt so free. I just had to think through everything again to remember how I became this strong today.

Thank you so much, friends!!! God bless you all!!!

 

[pandajc]

He is not the one complaining. She is the one that is miserable. It is her call. Leave this priest alone, stay and quit feeling sorry for herself. Or leave and find peace elsewhere.

Don’t worry. He wasn’t a priest yet when we were close and everything changed since then already. We do not talk to each other anymore. And we aren’t friends anymore. I was not born to destroy any vocation. I just brought this up to know if I did something wrong before. I am sorry if this brought you to think that way.

 

[pandajc]

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it seems to me you’re being a little selfish. You keep saying how its unfair that he cut ties from you, didn’t give you an explanation, blocked you from FB when it is pretty clear that he needed to do these things to focus on his vocation. I know you want “closure”, a lot of women are like that, but sometimes that is just unnecessary. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you guys were friends for 6 months? If this was a friendship with years & years of involvement I would understand why the sudden cold shoulder would be unjustified.
Why don’t you find a different parish? You would still be serving God regardless of what parish you attend.
My prayers are with you, my friend.

Thank you Don’t worry. I just brought those up to be able to let those emotions out. I am sorry if you thought. I was selfish. I am in peace, really. I just wanted to share my thoughts and gain some advise from the people of God

 

[pandajc]

Your feelings, both about him, and about the loss of the friendship are understandable.

I don’t know you or he personally, but I am familiar with such situations, and I think that the general wisdom in approaching them might shed some light on how things played out.

First, men preparing for the priesthood have spiritual directors and confessors. It is very possible that his advised him to take the actions he took, and he did so out of obedience.

Again, not knowing you personally, the truth is that often in such situations even though we think we can be “just friends” etc, and we want that to be true with our whole being, in reality it is not the case.

If the other person has that “closure” discussion, we are likely to bargain…“oh, but we can just be friends” etc etc, when the truth is they cannot. And no matter best intentions, the intensity of feelings on the part of one or both of the parties continues to be a distraction, temptation etc. Sometimes the best way is to end it, no discussion, no compromise etc. It’s is painful, but it can be for the best in the end, sometimes even the pain of that can lead to a sealing off of feelings. Like an amputation.

even if you feel you could handle just being friends, and it may be 100% true, perhaps that would be a difficulty for him, a distraction, or could lead to some manner of scandal that it is best to avoid. Even if you were not in any way having an inapporpriate relationship, a level of closeness could be misinterpreted and affect his ministry.

We always hope and believe we would be the exception. That we are strong and would not fall prey to the feelings and situations that other people do. That may be true, or it may not.

It sounds as if his homily was a clear statement, and I would advise you to take it as such rather than continue to seek to single yourself out and seek or demand a more personal explanation from him.

Since you clearly seek to serve the parish and God, seek discernment as to whether or not the sacrifice of this personal relationship may indeed be a strong way of doing just that. Put your personal feelings aside for the good of his ministry, the parish, and in the end your own well being. Letting this go and prayerfully moving on will leave you open to better serving and to one day have a relationship with a man who can commit fully to marriage.

It may be true that the best way of doing so would be to attend and serve at a neighboring parish. Seek to be as fully and deeply honest as you can about that.

As painful and confusing as this situation is, My guess is that he behaved in this manner out of respect and love for himself, you, his vocation and God.

Thank you!

 

[HelenRose]

Don’t worry. He wasn’t a priest yet when we were close and everything changed since then already. We do not talk to each other anymore. And we aren’t friends anymore. I was not born to destroy any vocation. I just brought this up to know if I did something wrong before. I am sorry if this brought you to think that way.

This is good. I hope you can let go now.

 

[GoldenSeal]

Yes, thank you so much, GoldenSeal. I appreciate everything. Yes I have people who are my friends there. I am okay actually. I just had these moments of thinking and going through life that I had to have someone to talk to about this that’s outside of the box. Thank you so much. Don’t worry. I am fine. I have God, my family and my friends. I really don’t need some annoyance. Haha. I am actually busy with my post grad course so I am really okay. Thanks so much again for your time and effort in replying to me. And yes, I respect him. I don’t talk to him the way we did back then. Boundaries were already set since he stopped talking to me. So i knew from there that we really couldn’t be friends anymore. I knew from there that we won’t be the same anymore. A year has passed and a lot changed already and I really saw that I am better off without this person. I was stuck with him (literally) and I felt like I was in this cage. He was that controlling. When. I was off the leash, i felt so free. I just had to think through everything again to remember how I became this strong today.

Thank you so much, friends!!! God bless you all!!!

All good wishes to you, pandajc. As I would tell my daughter, never involve yourself with a man who cannot deal with you face-to-face, as a fellow human being. Never allow yourself to be objectified and stereotyped, ESPECIALLY for the supposed good of someone’s ministry or vocation. (Though this seems to be accepted in certain subcultures, it is actually spiritual abuse.) Never let someone’s immaturity or paranoia define you. Read the Gospels, notice how Jesus treated women, and ask yourself if the person you’re interested in is behaving as Jesus would.

 

[pandajc]

All good wishes to you, pandajc. As I would tell my daughter, never involve yourself with a man who cannot deal with you face-to-face, as a fellow human being. Never allow yourself to be objectified and stereotyped, ESPECIALLY for the supposed good of someone’s ministry or vocation. (Though this seems to be accepted in certain subcultures, it is actually spiritual abuse.) Never let someone’s immaturity or paranoia define you. Read the Gospels, notice how Jesus treated women, and ask yourself if the person you’re interested in is behaving as Jesus would.

Thank you so much again, GoldenSeal. I will. Jesus treats everyone with respect and He keeps the dignity of the women he relates with. Thank you! I’ll pray for you too, GoldenSeal. Thank you so so much.

 

[runwaymodel]

Thank you Don’t worry. I just brought those up to be able to let those emotions out. I am sorry if you thought. I was selfish. I am in peace, really. I just wanted to share my thoughts and gain some advise from the people of God

Yes, you are right. Sometimes it’s just nice to vent or release emotions/feelings in a safe environment. Just cherish the good time and be happy for him and his new path.
I think you’ll be just fine. Blessings. :getholy:

 

[pandajc]

Yes, you are right. Sometimes it’s just nice to vent or release emotions/feelings in a safe environment. Just cherish the good time and be happy for him and his new path.
I think you’ll be just fine. Blessings. :getholy:

Thank you for letting me I am happy for him in his path. I am taking a different path from him. and I know I am okay. There are just those times of nostalgia im sure its not just me who feels these.

 

[Demetra2]

I think that through his actions he is hoping that you now see him as a priest first which you obviously do. I don’t think he went about it in the best way though. You were friends and friends can talk or at least email each other. But you do not seem to have done anything wrong here. It might be better for you to sing in the other parish for a another year and then see how things are next year when emotions have settled. I think he has hurt your feelings but you will feel better soon enough. Pray for him.

 

[Joan_M]

Thank you. When he and I were close, he wasn’t a priest yet. He was just a brother. He wasn’t even a deacon. I am still okay with serving there because he isn’t the one I am serving. It is God. I just need reassurance that I am not doing anything wrong. I left because I needed to think through everything too. But I realized that I love God too much to let go of His people there. Yes, he still doesn’t know how to manage his emotions. Thank you so much for your advise i appreciate it a lot!!!

When a man becomes a seminarian it is inappropriate for him to continue close relationships with women. That is because he needs to focus on discerning his vocation. It is not just inappropriate if he is a priest! Right from the start of seminary the relationship should have cooled, in fact, been cut. You are a cause of temptation for him. Leave him alone. He was never for you.

How selfish! You love God too much to let go of his people there? You can serve God anywhere. You are fooling yourself - you want to remain there because he is there.

Leave him alone.

 

[pandajc]

When a man becomes a seminarian it is inappropriate for him to continue close relationships with women. That is because he needs to focus on discerning his vocation. It is not just inappropriate if he is a priest! Right from the start of seminary the relationship should have cooled, in fact, been cut. You are a cause of temptation for him. Leave him alone. He was never for you.

How selfish! You love God too much to let go of his people there? You can serve God anywhere. You are fooling yourself - you want to remain there because he is there.

Leave him alone.

Thank you for the advise no worries. It was far more over than done since the very start. I just wanted to have ideas from people outside the box. Thank you so much, though!

 

[pandajc]

When a man becomes a seminarian it is inappropriate for him to continue close relationships with women. That is because he needs to focus on discerning his vocation. It is not just inappropriate if he is a priest! Right from the start of seminary the relationship should have cooled, in fact, been cut. You are a cause of temptation for him. Leave him alone. He was never for you.

How selfish! You love God too much to let go of his people there? You can serve God anywhere. You are fooling yourself - you want to remain there because he is there.

Leave him alone.

Im so sorry too if you had to think that way about me, knowing that you do not know me too well. God bless you, always.