How do I go about this?

[EAugustin]

Hello everyone. First off I want to thank you so much to everyone who has been answering my questions and have helped me pray on my intentions. To get an idea of my so far journey just click on my name to see my posts.

I am happy to say that my husband and I had our Convalidation this past Saturday. It was beautiful and prefect I felt so at peace and so amazing. To be able to know that our marriage was blessed by our Lord made me feel so happy and I believe it my husband as well because for the first time I saw him do something I NEVER see him do. He shed tears when we were saying our vows… ( sorryI always seem to ramble) Ok here is my question and this is bit hard for me to write because I have never I guess said it out loud… What struck me to ask for advice was that I was up in the middle of the night (normal for me) and I put the Catholic channel on and a program came on talking about Marriages… and the topic was Porn… That made my ears perk because although my husband is an amazing man and is a wonderful father his faith isn’t like it use to be (other posts will give more detail) Although he did go to Confession and we did do our convalidation this is one thing that bothers me… I have discussed it with him before before any of this (my return to faith) and told him it made me feel like he didn’t want me and it was/is a TOTAL turn off as he would use the interent to look at porn and I had caught a couple of times and I would just look at him and walk away and he would say WHAT… Then a couple of months ago I had told him it really hurt me that he had to look at porn.That I guess stopped him for a bit but again I see he has been seeing those sites… It truly makes me so sad. As I watched the show it spoke of how the husband when he grow up that is how he “learned” about sex because his father had mags &movies and of how that was the norm for him growing up for him and his peers and such is also the case w/my husband as he told me so, I myself thought it was the norm for men to watch porn have porn so back then it didn’t seem to bother me. (SHOCK I know) but as I have started my walk in faith I see this is a true mortal sin. I am ahead of my walk in faith then my husband and that is one of my prayers each day to ask our Lord to help me help him open is heart to our Lord Jesus… my question is how do I do so… I mean I can’t just force God on him I guess… For me I know that is not the way it works because its taken this long for me to want God and to want to know him and have him completely in my heart and being but how do I talk to my husband. I KNOW he is going to think I’ve lost my mind if I say these things to him… But I want to … how do I go about it? Has anyone gone through this and have been able to help your spouse? Again as always I thank you so much for your help and advice.

-Ellie

 

[Eucharisted]

Get him the CD “Pure of Heart”.

Tell him that when he looks at porn, he is committing adultery with the women. He might object that it’s not actual adultery, but counter with the argument that it is adultery because he is receiving the same pleasure and enjoyment from porn that he dose from sex and he is giving himself to the women via masturbation (pretending to have sex with the women).

If he says “it’s just pretend, just fantasy,” tell him you won’t stand for it, and that he has a choice: you or the women.

 

[Liraco]

The first thing is to PRAY for him. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Remember that God says one of three things to our prayers: “Yes”, “Not yet” or “I have something better”. Pray to Him (as I will for you) that your husband gets away from the temptations of porn and opens himself to God to realize what this is doing.

The fact that he continues to see pornography despite your talking to him shows a clear addiction and it’s a very dangerous one. It’s a venom that slowly corrupts the mind and body, thoughts are consumed by lust and begin to see their loved one as well as practically anyone attractive as an object of lust and not as a human being. They separate the person from the body as an object of pleasure.

It’s as if one was under the influence of something like alcohol except there’s no “sober” state. It stays in the mind and even after being away from it for a while, distortions created from it remain for a very long time.

Do you have children? Would your husband like his son or daughter to have a corrupted mind, a distorted image of the human body and sexuality? Would you want them to think of people as objects of pleasure instead of as a human being?

Try to bring it up again especially if you catch him doing it. It’s an addiction, and as such he needs help. Truly praying to the Lord for strength will certainly get him out of it eventually, but you also need to help with maybe putting the computer in an area that is open and visible, asking him to delete and remove all traces of those sites helps.

When one starts coming out of it they think it’s “ok” to peak but trust me, they’ll peak at first and see nothing happen but will surely fall again. It’s a process, so be patient.

 

[bmaj]

Hello everyone. First off I want to thank you so much to everyone who has been answering my questions and have helped me pray on my intentions. To get an idea of my so far journey just click on my name to see my posts.

I am happy to say that my husband and I had our Convalidation this past Saturday. It was beautiful and prefect I felt so at peace and so amazing. To be able to know that our marriage was blessed by our Lord made me feel so happy and I believe it my husband as well because for the first time I saw him do something I NEVER see him do. He shed tears when we were saying our vows… ( sorryI always seem to ramble) Ok here is my question and this is bit hard for me to write because I have never I guess said it out loud… What struck me to ask for advice was that I was up in the middle of the night (normal for me) and I put the Catholic channel on and a program came on talking about Marriages… and the topic was Porn… That made my ears perk because although my husband is an amazing man and is a wonderful father his faith isn’t like it use to be (other posts will give more detail) Although he did go to Confession and we did do our convalidation this is one thing that bothers me… I have discussed it with him before before any of this (my return to faith) and told him it made me feel like he didn’t want me and it was/is a TOTAL turn off as he would use the interent to look at porn and I had caught a couple of times and I would just look at him and walk away and he would say WHAT… Then a couple of months ago I had told him it really hurt me that he had to look at porn.That I guess stopped him for a bit but again I see he has been seeing those sites… It truly makes me so sad. As I watched the show it spoke of how the husband when he grow up that is how he “learned” about sex because his father had mags &movies and of how that was the norm for him growing up for him and his peers and such is also the case w/my husband as he told me so, I myself thought it was the norm for men to watch porn have porn so back then it didn’t seem to bother me. (SHOCK I know) but as I have started my walk in faith I see this is a true mortal sin. I am ahead of my walk in faith then my husband and that is one of my prayers each day to ask our Lord to help me help him open is heart to our Lord Jesus… my question is how do I do so… I mean I can’t just force God on him I guess… For me I know that is not the way it works because its taken this long for me to want God and to want to know him and have him completely in my heart and being but how do I talk to my husband. I KNOW he is going to think I’ve lost my mind if I say these things to him… But I want to … how do I go about it? Has anyone gone through this and have been able to help your spouse? Again as always I thank you so much for your help and advice.

-Ellie

Please see the recent thread that I began under this same “Family” section entitled “Advice needed re: spouse and pornography”… I have been going through this very same thing just in the past few weeks (although the situation has been going on for a long time that I know of…). (or click on my name to get to it - I can’t figure out how to copy the link!)

There are MANY helpful suggestions from other wonderful folks at this website at that thread that actually gave me the courage and strength just yesterday to have a long heart-to-heart conversation with my husband about his use of porn (couldn’t hold back the tears, but I tried to remain calm). I am not fooling myself that it will be an easy road ahead for us, but I am very hopeful that things will work out – and I think they can for you also if you read the advice and support in the thread.

They helped me understand completely that none of his porn use is my fault and that the horrible hurt I’m feeling is quite justified. Please read through that thread when you can so that you can benefit also, and I’ll be keeping you in my prayers! Hugs to you, and God Bless.