How do I handle gossipy acquaintance?

[ToeInTheWater]

After contemplating the sin of detraction I have realized a woman I work with frequently does this. She will tell me about a guy stringing her friend along while engaged to another woman, a guy whose first marriage broke up because he was a cheat, or how someone’s husband drank himself to death, etc. She always talks about how bad she feels for the innocent victims, but it’s still gossip. Some of the people she speaks about I don’t even know, but some are people we come in contact with frequently at work.

Problem is that I find it difficult to avoid her. I’ve started trying to change the subject in a subtle way but I must admit I’m not that socially savvy. Any tips on how to handle this?

Also, how to keep what I now know about certain people’s pasts from changing how I treat them? Since I know much of the time gossip is unfounded, I don’t want to assume what she says is even correct.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Tell her she should be having that conversation with those involved. Then change the subject.

 

[pensmama87]

Tell her she should be having that conversation with those involved. Then change the subject.

This is a good idea.

Or just briefly sum up what you’ve said here: “You know, I really don’t like hearing these kinds of things about Jane. It makes it harder to maintain our professional relationship. Can we discuss this other work issue instead? (Or, I’ll see you for our meeting at 2, or, I really need to attend to this email.)”

To be honest, there is no foolproof way to make your point and avoid any awkwardness or her possibly getting mad at you. Sometimes, getting to a place where you’re willing to accept that is the first step, if you typically have trouble being assertive.

 

[MSSheBear]

This is an on going struggle in my life. I find avoiding the gossiper the most helpful. I try to change the subject and talk about sports or politics if I can’t avoid them. And always assume the information is false and don’t repeat it.

These days starting a political discussion can delay a round of gossip for a long time. Gossipers usually gossip out of low self esteem so see if that is the case here. Try talking about her accomplishments as a break from the usual.

 

[pianistclare]

This is the only thing that I have found that works…

When she gets cranked up, just say
“I feel like we’re entering an area of gossip right now, so I have to stop listening”.
Smile, walk away.

One or two things will happen:

1. She’ll stop dead in her tracks, or
2. She won’t ever share stuff like that with you again.

Or, best the case scenario, BOTH.
I have done this often, and it really works. (you can’t imagine how much gossip is in a church. The previous DRE taught me this strategy).

She can’t talk about the conversation because that would be gossip about you, and it will only make her appear foolish to everyone else. Trust me, people will thank you for it.

 

[halleone]

This is the only thing that I have found that works…

When she gets cranked up, just say
“I feel like we’re entering an area of gossip right now, so I have to stop listening”.
Smile, walk away.

One or two things will happen:

1. She’ll stop dead in her tracks, or
2. She won’t ever share stuff like that with you again.

Or, best the case scenario, BOTH.
I have done this often, and it really works. (you can’t imagine how much gossip is in a church. The previous DRE taught me this strategy).

She can’t talk about the conversation because that would be gossip about you, and it will only make her appear foolish to everyone else. Trust me, people will thank you for it.

Brilliant!!

 

[SuperHappy]

People who like to gossip have to be told in a straightforward manner that we will not participate.

I usually say something like “I don’t care for gossip, it’s hurtful to the person being gossiped about” or “have you talked to them about this. if not, why not” or “I won’t talk about people like this, can we change the subject.”

Usually when confronted, they will stop. You just have to put your own boundaries in place. If the gossiper gets upset, they will usually avoid you so you don’t have to worry about avoiding them.

 

[acadiANNA]

I had to tell a co-worker: I care too much for Mary to listen to or contribute to gossip about her. I prefer to only think and speak well of others. … My mom told me countless times in my growing up: Mind your own business. You have enough of your own business to tend to. … Whenever you gossip, you devalue that person. It does not build up but tears down. God made each one of us and we are worthy of dignity. It is a commandment to love one another. Gossiping about someone is not loving them. If someone is offending you, go to that person and tell him/her about it. I have more but will stop here. Praying for all people who choose to gossip.

 

[Horton]

I worked in a place where many other employees gossiped. When gossip would start I would tell them it was none of my business what others were doing with their lives. It didn’t take very long before no one gossiped in my presence. I’m sure there was a lot out of my presence, mostly about me.

There was one time when a co-worker came to me and told me another co-worker was gossiping about me and my professionalism. That was crossing the line for me, I went to our boss and explained what I learned and told him I wanted to confront her about her story which was lie. Since the lie was something my boss could confirm or deny happened, and he & I both knew it wasn’t true, he gave to go ahead to confront her. It did not go well. She ran from her office to the boss’s office telling him I was confronting her. He invited me into his office and we cleared it all up. I don’t think she realized I would have gone to him before going to her. She was actually reprimanded for it as it concerned my work and my integrity.

OP - Just don’t accept this from co-workers. I have a strong personality and can step up to situations like this. You can tell her you don’t want to know what is going on in other’s lives. Also, you can be sure if this person gossips about others to you, she is gossiping about you to others.

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

I like to say , “this isn’t really our business to discuss”.

 

[angell1]

After contemplating the sin of detraction I have realized a woman I work with frequently does this. She will tell me about a guy stringing her friend along while engaged to another woman, a guy whose first marriage broke up because he was a cheat, or how someone’s husband drank himself to death, etc. She always talks about how bad she feels for the innocent victims, but it’s still gossip. Some of the people she speaks about I don’t even know, but some are people we come in contact with frequently at work.

Problem is that I find it difficult to avoid her. I’ve started trying to change the subject in a subtle way but I must admit I’m not that socially savvy. Any tips on how to handle this?

Also, how to keep what I now know about certain people’s pasts from changing how I treat them? Since I know much of the time gossip is unfounded, I don’t want to assume what she says is even correct.

considering, it’s about people you both work with, yeah, that can be awkward.

and if it’s people you don’t know and she doen’st need any sort of advice on something that affects her personally, I don’t really see the point in her telling you

just tell her you’d rather not talk about it. I’ve had to deal with people like with as well. interestingly enough, they slowly disappear out of your life after a while

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have not had to handle any gossip from this woman recently but I will certainly take your advice into account the next time this happens. I certainly do not plan to divulge personal information to her myself.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I like to say , “this isn’t really our business to discuss”.

I kind of like this approach. But since it is in a work environment and you need to make sure nothing back fires, I would use more of an ‘I’ statement and soften it. Something like ‘I am not comfortable with the details of other people’s personal lives’

Sadly, some gossips are vindictive and when you stand up to them, you become their target. You would know better since you work with her, but…I still would be very careful in a work situation

Angie

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

I kind of like this approach. But since it is in a work environment and you need to make sure nothing back fires, I would use more of an ‘I’ statement and soften it. Something like ‘I am not comfortable with the details of other people’s personal lives’

Sadly, some gossips are vindictive and when you stand up to them, you become their target. You would know better since you work with her, but…I still would be very careful in a work situation

Angie

In my experience, people who would gossip about someone else to you, have no problem gossiping about you to someone else.

What annoys me the most is when moms gossip about the kids their children interact with, “Billy is a trouble maker” “Johnny steals things, keep an eye on him”." Did you see the outfit Annie had?" Its hard enough being a kid without being picked apart by a gossipy parent.