How do I handle this situation with my sister?

[jemfinch]

So, my sister (who is not a Catholic) last year contracted what seems to me to be an invalid marriage. Her wedding was with a (lapsed) Catholic apart from the Catholic form. I know that they did not receive a dispensation of form. Additionally, the man who is putatively her husband had a previous wedding (again, without the Catholic form) and had not prior to their wedding (nor has he since) sought or received an annulment.

So it seems to me that objectively, she’s not married to this guy.

Things are getting rocky between them: he’s not providing well for her, their relationship lacks certain closeness that she expected in marriage, etc. My mom (not a Catholic) is already half-suggesting that my sister leave him, despite the fact that she is pregnant. Based on what (little) I know, it seems likely that barring major changes, my sister will leave her putative husband within a couple years.

So what are my obligations here? Obviously before the wedding I advised them of the issues involved, but my advice was unheeded. Now, with them being in a relationship that is objectively not a marriage, am I free, if asked, to say that she can/should leave this man if things get worse? Or, since marriage is given the privilege of the law, am I obligated to act as if they are actually married until an annulment is granted by the Church (something that will probably never happen)?

My sister and I don’t communicate a lot, but I’m one of the most stable people in her life, and when she has problems, she sometimes calls me about them. I’d really like to know how I should handle this problem, should she approach me for advice on the matter.

Thanks,
Jeremy

 

[LilFranciscan25]

Being that your sister’s “husband” has not sought an annulment from his spouse, he is still married to the woman. Therefore, they are not married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. Unless the husband gets an annulment, their union will never be valid in the Church. The best advice I can think of right now is to give support to your sister, but do not support the marriage.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=82427

 

[jemfinch]

68 views and no reply…is this the correct forum for my question?

 

[samovila]

It sounds like you already gave your opinion to your sister and she didn’t take your advice. If it were my sister, I would leave it at that unless she seaks advice from me. If she did come to me, I would advise her to seek the counsel of a priest. Having God’s grace through the valid sacrament of marriage may be all they need to pull through. It may be a poor assumption that they are just going to break up in a couple of years anyway.

 

[Becks]

Jeremy,

I don’t think your problem is the forum you chose, I think it’s simply the difficulty of the question. The only sure answer I can give you is to let your sister know that you love her and that you are there for her no matter what. It sounds like you’ve already got that down.

It sounds like (forgive me if I’m wrong) you’ve decided to wait for your sister to come to you for advice. I think that’s the right decision. Especially since you warned your sister before her marriage, I think that she would take it badly if you gave her unsolicited advice now.

I like the poster above’s opinion to get her in touch with a priest (if she would be willing). Other than that, maybe all you can do is be an example for her of God’s love. She probably doesn’t need to hear how God would’ve kept her out of this problem in the first place (through the rules of the Church concerning marriage). She probably just needs to hear how God (and her brother) still loves her and will take care of her in spite of this problem.

 

[LSK]

If she is not a Catholic, my concern would be that you be as loving and supportive as you can be to a woman who is probably going to find herself an unwed mother.

If he is abusive, she should protect herself and if you can offer her a place of safety for herself and her child, then do so.

However, remember that if she is pregnant then she is going to be linked to this man for life unless he just walks away. He will have a certain financial, legal and moral obligation to her and the child.

When she asks you for advice, tell her that she is loved - by you and by God - and ask her what YOU can do for HER.

 

[Rascalking]

Jeremy,

No matter what, love your sister and NEVER stop praying for her (I know I don’t have to tell you this )

Make sure she knows that you support her and love her, and if she needs a place to stay for the night, or an ear to listen too, support her, support her, SUPPORT HER!

Worry about her saftey first, then we can talk about the validity of her marriage.

PS-Be sure that you have proof beyond a reasonable doubt that the guy is abusing her before you even think about accusing him of that. I know of someone who was abused of hitting her husband, even though she didn’t, her reputation was horrificly damaged. It’s such a serious charge that you don’t want to toss it around. Having said that, if he really his hurting her or her unborn child, you call the police without hesitation.

Peace out.

 

[Thomas63116]

This is a tough situation, and your sister and your family are in my prayers.

First, several replies have mentioned absue and how to respond in abusive situations. However, nothing in the original post suggests that the husband is abusive. Rather, the problems seem to be based around expectations each of them brought to the marriage, and communications difficulties (she doesn’t have the closeness she expected, he’s “not providing for her” the way she expected, etc.) In other words, they seem to be having difficulties adjusting to married life that many couples can expect, especially couples that have not properly prepared.

While the marriage can probably be described as “presumptively invalid” due to the lack of canonical form (and the prior attempt at marriage on the part of the husband), the Church, quite wisely, is not in the business of declaring to be null marriages which are still binding under civil law. Furthermore, I think we should exercise a lot of caution about setting ourselves up as a marriage tribunal.

Finally, the fact that the OP’s sister is now preganant means that these two are and will be bound together for life by the responsibilities of caring for their child, regardless of whether they remain married to each other.

I think any advice the OP gives his sister should flow from these questions: “What is the best possible outcome for all of the people involved in this situation? What course of action is likely to help bring that outcome about?”

Given all of the above, it seems to me that the best outcome is for the couple to improve their communications, develop some greater maturity, and find a way to live together in relative happiness. This would create a good environment for them to raise their child together, which would certianly be in his/her best interest. Either religious or secular counseling could help them in that regard.

Ideally, the husband would eventually also desire to be more active in the practice of his Catholic faith, seek to have his marriage to the OP’s sister regularized, and live up to his responsibilities to raise their child in the Catholic faith. However, it seems to me that there are some more basic elements of a happy home life that need to be attended to, before this is likely to occur.