How do I handle this?

[Linna0867]

Let me give you a background first. My mom died recently but for all my life she told me I had a brother out there that she gave up for adoption at birth. He recently found us through her obit. He contacted me and was telling me about his life and he told me he is gay and married to his partner (they live in California).

I became Catholic when I got married a few years ago, my husband is a cradle catholic and very conservative. I had another brother that recently died who was also gay. However, he did not live the lifestyle because he knew it was a sin. He did live that life for many years and was very conflicted with it, knowing it was not right to live that way.

My current husband is Catholic and really never had to deal with my brother that died, becasue by that time my brother had changed his lifestyle and was leeding a christian life.

I have suffered much loss over the last 5 years, losing my dad, a sister, a brother, my mother and 2 best friends. With that being said I was excited to have another brother in my life. I don’t like the fact that he is living the lifestyle he is, but I am excited to meet him and get to know him.

However, my husband is not happy about the situation at all. I saw an email he wrote to one of his friends that says quote “I told my wife I did not want to be hearing about this situation right now - still working on how I need to handle things without hurting her feelings - but I cannot really share her enthusiasm right now. Really tired of the weird excitement this family brings - sometimes too much even for me - and I have a lot of experience in weird events”.

How do I handle this - he doesn’t even want me talking about my brother. I love my husband so much but this could tear us apart. I feel like I can’t talk to our priest because my husband has already talked to him and he told him that we have to tell my brother we don’t condone his lifestyle etc. I agree with that but, I don’t want to hurt my brother. He said he felt comfortable with us since we already had a gay brother. I told him that we were conservative catholics - I hope he understood what that meant. I feel alone, sad, mad, depressed… you name it and there I am. Please help!

 

[agnes_therese]

How do I handle this - he doesn’t even want me talking about my brother. I love my husband so much but this could tear us apart. I feel like I can’t talk to our priest because my husband has already talked to him and he told him that we have to tell my brother we don’t condone his lifestyle etc. I agree with that but, I don’t want to hurt my brother. He said he felt comfortable with us since we already had a gay brother. I told him that we were conservative catholics - I hope he understood what that meant. I feel alone, sad, mad, depressed… you name it and there I am. Please help!

Of course you want to know your brother. Your husband did say he doesn’t want to be hearing about it **“right now.” ** He may just need some time to deal with it. I don’t see any reason you can’t keep in contact with your brother; but I’d be honest with him about how your husband feels. Since you’ve already told you that you’re conservative catholics, it shouldn’t come as a big surprise to him.

 

[detoutcoeur]

How do I handle this - he doesn’t even want me talking about my brother. I love my husband so much but this could tear us apart. I feel like I can’t talk to our priest because my husband has already talked to him and he told him that we have to tell my brother we don’t condone his lifestyle etc. I agree with that but, I don’t want to hurt my brother. He said he felt comfortable with us since we already had a gay brother. I told him that we were conservative catholics - I hope he understood what that meant. I feel alone, sad, mad, depressed… you name it and there I am. Please help!

It sounds as if you and your husband are dealing with this new situation in very different ways. He needs time/space to adjust (i.e., he doesn’t want to talk to you about it yet), whereas you, in order to cope with it, very much need to talk about it. Is there another priest that you would feel comfortable talking to? If not, you could ask for a referral from your diocese, or contact Catholic Charities. By having someone to talk to, you’ll be giving your husband the time he needs, and receiving the guidance and support that you need to handle it without letting it tear you apart.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What!?!?! I’m sorry, if my husband found out that he had a brother that was given up for adoption and he wanted to get to know this person and see if they could have a relationship there is nothing in the world that would make me try to make him put it off, and I certainly wouldn’t have the lack of respect to go to other people complaining about his new found brother and how his family is just too much for me. The guy could be a convicted serial killer and I would still be there for him for every jailhouse visit.

This is huge and life changing for you. You found a missing part of your family. You lost your mom. You need this right now, and your husband needs to be supportive. And if he can’t be enthusiastic then he needs to immediately quit complaining about your family to his friends.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Is this many a half-brother or a full-blood brother? But more importantly, what will you gain from this? You have lived a lifetime without this “brother” who is on a very different path from you. If you are looking for someone/thing to distract you from grieving over your mother and your other losses, then go into this with your eyes wide open. You owe him a courteous relationship, nothing more. Please do not seek a close relationship with someone, a stranger, who’s worldview is so different from your own, and with whom you do not share a real family past with. What are you hoping to gain from establishing a relationship with this long lost brother? Lastly, I’m sorry that you have dealt with so many losses and odd family situations. I don’t think contacting this man will help you deal with your situation and may create real tension in the one relationship that you chose, your marriage. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man who got more than he bargained for with his in-laws. God help him.

 

[rayne89]

As a adult who was adopted as a child, I don’t think rejecting him outright is the way to go -certainly will not make him think of (maybe his first real experience with devout) Catholics as very positive. I would not make any pronouncements about being conservative Catholics. I find in most cases people discover pretty quickly naturally about my faith. Things like I went to Mass this Sunday, my daughter is involved in a prolife young adult group that prays in front of abortion clinics etc. Be a loving example in word and deed without giving blatant acceptance of the lifestyle. Unless he’s been living under a rock I’m sure he knows where the church stands on engaging in homosexual relations. What he very well may not know is that the church does not “hate gays”. I’m sure your brother is much more than just his sexual preference. There are other parts of him too. God had you cross paths with him at this time. He must have something in mind. Your husband can be silent and supportive of you if that’s all he can honestly muster. From the catechism

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

 

[rayne89]

Is this many a half-brother or a full-blood brother?

Ok this bugs me. If he’s only half brother is he less worthy of her time? We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Do we really have to get caught up what percent of blood/genes we share. Like that should make a difference on how we treat people?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Ok this bugs me. If he’s only half brother is he less worthy of her time? We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Do we really have to get caught up what percent of blood/genes we share. Like that should make a difference on how we treat people?

Why should it not matter when it comes to family life? This man clearly has expectations from her. This is different from dealing with a long lost relative or something. I know it would make a big difference to me whether he was a half brother or full-blood.

 

[quiet52]

Wow! Two siblings have found each other!

I’m sure the half-brother wants to ask many questions about his biological mother. How exciting for him! Maybe he’s been searching for her for years.

And the OP’s mother apparently hoped to connect, or hoped the OP would connect with the long-lost son – she wouldn’t have mentioned him otherwise. It is natural for the OP to be excited about getting to know him. Like another poster wrote, the OP needs to love and respect her brother, no matter the condition of his soul. She doesn’t have to condone his gay lifestyle.

Husband needs to take a step back and pray, to ask that his heart be filled up with more love for his wife and for her brother.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I love my husband so much but this could tear us apart.

Really? This sentence seems to indicate that something deeper might be going on here. In most marriages, one spouse seeking to talk to a long-lost gay brother might cause tension, but would not be a danger to the marriage. Is there anything else you want to mention to explain this, Linna?

Given the information we have, I think your brother has a hang up about gay people for some reason. Consider: if your long-lost brother was in an unmarried sexual relationship with a woman, he would not find that problematic. He wants to live in a comfortable world where there are no people who deal with homosexuality. Why? Is it because he cares about these people, and wants them free from sin? I doubt it. Rather, I would expect it is because of some experience in his own life.

In other words, I think your husband does need to be loved through this situation, even if he is being a bit unreasonable. There may be some way that God wants him to grow, through this whole situation.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Ok this bugs me. If he’s only half brother is he less worthy of her time? We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Do we really have to get caught up what percent of blood/genes we share. Like that should make a difference on how we treat people?

As someone who’s only sibling is a “half” brother I thought it was nuts too. A sibling is a sibling.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

I love my husband so much but this could tear us apart.

A person you just met has the ability to tear you and your husband apart? That is unbelievable.
That being said, my responsibility is to live a life that reflects my faith. My goal is to show others what being Catholic means. I can’t see how shutting out this new found sibling is going to do that. If you and your husband let him in, perhaps his life will change. I don’t know how many opportunities he has to see faith in action.
Good luck, your family is in my prayers.

 

[rayne89]

Why should it not matter when it comes to family life? This man clearly has expectations from her. This is different from dealing with a long lost relative or something. I know it would make a big difference to me whether he was a half brother or full-blood.

My sister shared absolutely no blood with me -we were both adopted. When she died of cancer at the age of 21 I can assure made no difference to me as I grieved that we were not biologically related. She was/is 100% my sister. My best friend was raised by her grandmother. She just found her biological dad this summer and found she has 2 sisters and a brother. They do not share the same mother but they do share the same father -and it makes no difference to her. They are her siblings. The only one who kept using the term half was my friends biological mother(who never had more children after my friend). Until I stepped in and reminded her bio-mom that she has two great-grandchild by her granddaughter that have different fathers and she never uses the term half-brother, half-sister in reference to them.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Really? This sentence seems to indicate that something deeper might be going on here. In most marriages, one spouse seeking to talk to a long-lost gay brother might cause tension, but would not be a danger to the marriage. Is there anything else you want to mention to explain this, Linna?

Given the information we have, I think your brother has a hang up about gay people for some reason. Consider: if your long-lost brother was in an unmarried sexual relationship with a woman, he would not find that problematic. He wants to live in a comfortable world where there are no people who deal with homosexuality. Why? Is it because he cares about these people, and wants them free from sin? I doubt it. Rather, I would expect it is because of some experience in his own life.

In other words, I think your husband does need to be loved through this situation, even if he is being a bit unreasonable. There may be some way that God wants him to grow, through this whole situation.

Typo: I meant to say "I think your **husband **has a hang up about gay people for some reason. Obviously your brother doesn’t.

 

[Cupofkindness]

My sister shared absolutely no blood with me -we were both adopted. When she died of cancer at the age of 21 I can assure made no difference to me as I grieved that we were not biologically related. She was/is 100% my sister. My best friend was raised by her grandmother. She just found her biological dad this summer and found she has 2 sisters and a brother. They do not share the same mother but they do share the same father -and it makes no difference to her. They are her siblings. The only one who kept using the term half was my friends biological mother(who never had more children after my friend). Until I stepped in and reminded her bio-mom that she has two great-grandchild by her granddaughter that have different fathers and she never uses the term half-brother, half-sister in reference to them.

It matters because these two do not share a past, a history together and if they don’t have the same set of parents, then a piece of the puzzle is missing as well. Different fathers mean a lot. I am not against half’s and steps. I have two of each myself and do not differential between them. There is a deeper issue here. It’s not the OP’s responsibility to pick up the pieces left by her mother’s broken, dysfunctional past. The (half-whole) brother is living in a state of profound sin, how can the OP benefit from those circumstances? How can she change them? The long-lost brother will not bring the mother back, or bring loving feelings to share about the mother. No doubt that this long lost brother has issues surrounding the abandonement by his parents, and clearly his youth was troubled, or why would he be where he is today?

I think the deeper question is why the OP isn’t very, very concerned about how including this brother in her present day life WILL affect her marriage and family. She chose her beloved husband and must take his opinions in this matter very seriously.Don’t recommend otherwise! I see this as a choice between one’s spouse and an attempt to heal a broken past that probably cannot be repaired in this life.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

There is a deeper issue here. **It’s not the OP’s responsibility **to pick up the pieces left by her mother’s broken, dysfunctional past. The (half-whole) brother is living in a state of profound sin, how can the OP benefit from those circumstances? How can she change them?

The OP *wants *to do this. She doesn’t feel like it’s her responsibility.

Moreover, we don’t form relationships with people merely out of a desire to benefit from them or to benefit them. People are good, created by God, and it’s worth getting to know them. Gay people are not slime that we should wipe off the bottoms of our feet.

Jesus spent his time with lepers, tax-collectors, prostitutes. And the gospel makes it clear that this was not just because they needed him. He enjoyed their company. If I avoid every dysfunctional person I come across, then I will soon be left in the company of only one dyfunctional person: myself. And that is a lonely place.

 

[rayne89]

Moreover, we don’t form relationships with people merely out of a desire to benefit from them or to benefit them. People are good, created by God, and it’s worth getting to know them. Gay people are not slime that we should wipe off the bottoms of our feet.

Thank you. Why is this person in her life at this moment? What it God’s will? Maybe she is the example her brother needs. She should take this prayer and possible get some spiritual advice from her priest. I know if I were in her situation I would got to my priest for advice. Her husband, as a Catholic, should support his wife however she needs it.

 

[Linna0867]

Thank you all for your advice.

First I have 2 other half-siblings (1 has passed away and my sister is living) and I feel the same about all of them as I did my full sister who has passed away - no different.

Second - I want to have a relationship with my new found brother. I at least want him to know our mother through me and my sister that is still lving. I don’t feel I owe it to him - I want him to know our mom thought of him and hoped he had a better life than she could have given him at that point in her life. I also hope that he will see our faith and maybe understand that living the life he is - will not be a good one in the end, but that it is his cross to bear with Jesus when he dies not mine. I don’t condone his choice of life but I do feel love for him even though I haven’t met him face to face.

My husband and I had a hard start to this new found brother but since I posted he and I had to talk about this further because it was breaking my heart completely. Sunday we spent many hours discussing this issue and how we both felt. He opened up to me that he doesn’t care that he’s gay but that he doesn’t like the fact that my brother is living the gay life with another man and in the end he will have to bear the cross. My other brother that passed away was also gay but after much conflict within himself he knew that it was wrong and led a holy life. But there were many years that he led the gay lifestyle and those were long before me and my husband were married so he never saw that side of his life.

One of my sons was living with his girlfriend and my husband also had issues with that as well as I did - we cna’t make them change but we can let them know how we feel and what in the end they will have to bare the cross to Jesus not us.

I have since spoken to my brother and let him know the struggles that my husband has and he was very supportive of giving him the time that he needs to deal with it. He slao said that his adoptive family needed that time too and eventually learned to deal with it through prayer and their pastor. I have spoken to another priest that I know and he is helping me with all of this as well.

I think god brought my brother into my life for a reason and I am not going to turn my back on someone that may be reaching out to find out who he is. I know that the EnCourage site talks about how some people that don’t have a father figure in their lives turn to this kind of life style - maybe he will see that he doesn’t need to be in this lifestyle. But if he doesn’t then I will still be in his life to help him through it as much as I can. God tells us not to judge and I will not do that to my brother. i will do what I can to help him without jeapordizing my faith but giving him the opportunity to see gods love for all.

I was very lucky to have a step-father raise me from the age of 4 - I let you know I had this but I always called him DAD and he raised me as his DAUGHTER no STEP in front of the word. I look at my brother as just that not a half brother or half sister - our only differences are that we had different fathers but we are all GODS CHILDREN!

 

[SamH]

How old are you?

The one thing you need to be prepared for is the fact that this person is virtually unknown and has lead a separate life for decades living a life that you admit you don’t really approve. You need to be prepared for the fact he may not be someone you really want to know much less make a part of your life.

 

[Linna0867]

I’m 45 years old. I’m sure that things will work out for the best and the fact that he lives thousands of miles away will make every day contact impossible. We are working on our family tree together which will help him get to know mom’s family too. I believe that god puts challenges out there for us and it’s how we handle these that makes it a great experience or bad one. I think one thing is for certain - my husband will grow with this experience too.