How do I heal?

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woundedone

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I’m not sure where to start. My faith has left me, or have I abandoned it? I’ve not really felt the presence of God for such a long time (the past 3 years), or have I just been ignoring His presence? I pray that I am able to put aside every distraction so I can be still and know that He is God, but I’ve become even more and more distracted. Darkness has such a tight hold on me that I despair ever seeing the light again.

I am trying to recover from an eating disorder, but it’s such a struggle that I’m constantly tempted to fall back into old harmful behaviors just so I don’t have to feel anything. I was emotionally numb while I was actively restricting and purging, and I prefer emotionally numb because what I feel now is a massive pain. I am trying to overcome my past (others who have hurt me, and I who have hurt myself), but it just keeps flashing back, often without warning and I would love to get to a place where I don’t feel my abusers’ hands on me all of a sudden, or I don’t have a sudden memory of my many youthful indiscretions that were an attempt to cry for help/not feel the pain. I’ve tried to give this to God. I don’t even ask for healing anymore, just the strength and grace I need to give this back to Him. I just wish that it didn’t hurt so much. If others weren’t counting on me to show up, I would have stopped going to Mass a very, very long time ago, and I hate that that is how I feel. I want to go to Mass because I love God and it pleases Him, not because others would be disappointed if I didn’t come.

I recently had to go through Virtus training because of my position with my church, and that has brought back so, so many memories. The stories that were told on the video could have been told by me. I suppose I should be grateful that I am now starting to remember, as I had blocked everything out for so long, but the more that comes back, the more I can see why I blocked out so much for so long. In therapy, I’ve been told that I cannot find healing without confronting the memories, but it hurts so much I’m afraid that I’ll die in the process. I have a very difficult time trusting, quite understandable with all that I’ve endure from those who I should have been able to trust the most. I’ve even prayed for my abusers, that they can find God, find healing from whatever it was that made them think that abusing someone was acceptable. I pray I trust, help my distrust but I guess that I’ve grown so hard-hearted. My heart is a stone, and I know that it must be broken before it can be changed to a heart of flesh, and I fear that the process will break me.

I’m sorry if this seems incoherent, but I’m in a pretty incoherent state of mind. I guess what I’m asking is this: Is there anything specific that I can do that will make this process easier, that will allow me to feel God’s presence again, that will help me to trust when appropriate?
 
It would help[in the long run]to consult a priest regularly and continue your visits with the specialist.As an alternative,you seriously need an outlet.You’re wound up so tight it’s stopping circulation and to the point of snapping.You’re very brave and resilient to have lasted this long in spite of the odds and tremendous opposition given your delicate state.

When under pressure,there’s a cliff over looking the ocean I visit and sit for hours to unwind and allow myself to reset my system if you will,to grasp my bearings and focus once more and recapture my composure.Surfing is more a release of pressure than a resetting for me.But,to each their own;some have an outlet by bowling,long drives, visiting mum and dad,painting,rock climbing,sailing,a day in the country for a picnic and relaxation,etc.There is a need I think in your case to perhaps consider?As I have stated a priest and specialist are paramount.

God bless you mate,

JMJ
 
woundedone said:
I’m not sure where to start. My faith has left me, or have I abandoned it? I’ve not really felt the presence of God for such a long time (the past 3 years), or have I just been ignoring His presence? I pray that I am able to put aside every distraction so I can be still and know that He is God, but I’ve become even more and more distracted. Darkness has such a tight hold on me that I despair ever seeing the light again.

I am trying to recover from an eating disorder, but it’s such a struggle that I’m constantly tempted to fall back into old harmful behaviors just so I don’t have to feel anything. I was emotionally numb while I was actively restricting and purging, and I prefer emotionally numb because what I feel now is a massive pain. I am trying to overcome my past (others who have hurt me, and I who have hurt myself), but it just keeps flashing back, often without warning and I would love to get to a place where I don’t feel my abusers’ hands on me all of a sudden, or I don’t have a sudden memory of my many youthful indiscretions that were an attempt to cry for help/not feel the pain. I’ve tried to give this to God. I don’t even ask for healing anymore, just the strength and grace I need to give this back to Him. I just wish that it didn’t hurt so much. If others weren’t counting on me to show up, I would have stopped going to Mass a very, very long time ago, and I hate that that is how I feel. I want to go to Mass because I love God and it pleases Him, not because others would be disappointed if I didn’t come.

I recently had to go through Virtus training because of my position with my church, and that has brought back so, so many memories. The stories that were told on the video could have been told by me. I suppose I should be grateful that I am now starting to remember, as I had blocked everything out for so long, but the more that comes back, the more I can see why I blocked out so much for so long. In therapy, I’ve been told that I cannot find healing without confronting the memories, but it hurts so much I’m afraid that I’ll die in the process. I have a very difficult time trusting, quite understandable with all that I’ve endure from those who I should have been able to trust the most. I’ve even prayed for my abusers, that they can find God, find healing from whatever it was that made them think that abusing someone was acceptable. I pray I trust, help my distrust but I guess that I’ve grown so hard-hearted. My heart is a stone, and I know that it must be broken before it can be changed to a heart of flesh, and I fear that the process will break me.

I’m sorry if this seems incoherent, but I’m in a pretty incoherent state of mind. I guess what I’m asking is this: Is there anything specific that I can do that will make this process easier, that will allow me to feel God’s presence again, that will help me to trust when appropriate?
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I am sorry about what your have been through. You should get a good spiritual director but more importantly you should try to go an adoration chapel or any church offering adoration.
Just go in, sit and be. you don’t even have to pray. Try to do this when ever possible. I think over time, you will find healing and peace and hope. You really should give this a try.
This is the process you are looking for. You are in my prayers.
 
Thankyou for the post, woundedone.

I am praying for you, with the others.

You are helping yourself by posting so honestly here. Your post reminds me of several times when I have almost lost the faith, and just keep going to Mass because I don’t want to sin by not attending. Those times seem forgotten now, but possibly they could return.

I agree with the excellent advice by Bravo6 and robwar, re keeping going with professional and spiritual counselling, and finding some healthy outlets, and attending adoration. If you have time to attend an extra Mass during the week then I recommend that - these are quiet, friendly occassions.

I know how hard it is to stick with any “program” of activities when you are depressed or anxious. Keep it simple. For me, I just make a point of going to the beach or for a drive in the hills at least once a month. More would be better, but keep to something simple, and build up.

This Psalm Book has been my companion for many years and I find that it never fails to comfort me when I am depressed or God’s presence. I can either read the psalm for the hour (eg. Friday Vespers), or read one of my favourite psalms.

Best wishes,

Edmundus
 
I would recommend continuing your therapy. I would also recommend getting a spiritual director, preferably a priest, and go to Confession with him at least once or twice a month. I would also recommend Eucharistic adoration. Praying the Rosary every day will also help. You might also try praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet at 3 PM every now and then. 3 PM is the Hour of Great Mercy as revealed to Saint Faustina. Jesus told her that He will grant anything someone asks of Him in virtue of His passion during this hour so long as it is in accordance with His will.

I will pray for you.
 
Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and advise. I do seek regular spiritual direction (about twice a month) and I’m in the confessional every Sunday for the most part. I’ve been blessed with musical abilities, so I use that as an escape, sometimes playing piano until my fingers and hands are sore. I also find it much easier to attend a weekday Mass as I have social anxiety pretty bad, especially around people I don’t know. I’m trying to go to Mass today (in a half and hour or so) but just going outside today (and most days) is very difficult. On my worst of days, I simply do not want to be seen, period. I try to go to adoration whenever I can, but I have a people overload on most days, as I’m in a group intensive outpatient program, in addition to my weekly individual therapy, and even if others are sitting there quietly and not even looking at me, I feel very self-conscious, like what has happened to me is somehow tattooed on my forehead. There are times that I can’t even get out of my car.

I suppose it was a serendipitous thing for me to choose St. Dymphna for my confirmation saint when I came into the Church. I sure need her intercessions most of the time these days.
 
Hello Woundedone,
Many years ago I experienced my own dark night of the soul. I lost my way with little hope of regaining my faith. That light was extinguished.
At the suggestion of a friend I memorized the following and immersed myself in the words, even though at the time, when I first said them, I felt nothing.
I contemplated the words and repeated them daily.
This became my daily, private, silent prayer…

“Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth.”

I believe the Holy Spirit can penetrate a hardened heart and open a tightly closed mind.
This special grace happened for me.
I will pray for you,
God Bless
 
Dear Woundedone,

You asked: how do I heal? You are doing it–you are in therapy, you are seeking spiritual direction, you are talking about it. I was once where you are and asked over and over the same question. The answer was always: you are doing it. This is what it takes to heal.

We have to let the light in where the darkness was. It is a very painful process. We want it to be over, we are so overwhelmed by the pain that it can be hard to function. But God is holding your hand. You are so blessed to have your relationship with God through this. You say you don’t feel God’s presence but you will one day. Right now just remember that you are not going through this alone. Cling to the cross. Pour your pain out to Jesus. Let him and Mary console you. Your heart is not stone, it is scarred and it will take more healing to thaw out. But God will help you through it.

Are you familiar with the story of Joseph in the Bible? His brothers meant to leave him for dead but his story of hope is that God did not abandon him. I used to have the soundtrack from the musical Joseph the Dreamer. I played it over and over during that time. That was my only contact with God when I was too raw to pray, go to church, talk to people. In one song Joseph says, “what you meant for evil, God meant for good”. There is hope, you will get through this and you will be so strong in the end. Here is a link to the songs if you want to check it out. Or read the story in the Bible and see how even though everything was against Joseph, God turned it all around. istorya.net/forums/music-and-radio/38989-lf-joseph-dreamer-cd-audio-and-lyrics.html

I totally shut out people in my life when I went through this. All I could handle was my healing at that time. So I understand when you say you feel like it is written on your forehead. But God is the comforter. He will not let go of you, even if you cannot cling to him anymore than you are doing now. If you are too weak to cling to Him, He will hold you.

You asked what you can do to make it easier. I used to always ask how I could make it go faster. The best thing to do is keep doing what you are doing. Take breaks. Take care of yourself. Don’t put any extra pressure on yourself for now. Your current job is to heal. Remember to eat, to rest. Do what you can to slow things down if they start going to fast. Keep seeking help. May God bless you.

I pray for your healing. Lord, please help your dear child through this painful time. Let Him know of your love. Keep sending him the help he needs. Keep him from despair. You are the healer, oh God, and he needs your healing. We trust your process even when it seems to be so hard to understand and get through.
 
You are not incoherent. Did your doctor prescribe anything to help? if it isn’t working, then go back and try. Some people are physically resistant to medication.

I want to encourage you to build support. there are natural interests that God gives us, I want to encourage you to let yourself be interested. If you are being creative, then you are creating something. I hope that makes sense.

You must bring life to you. It isn’t that your prayer life is dead, or you wouldn’t care what God thinks. But you do care. You do want to heal.

Sometimes, I think it takes the right therapist too. I finally found one who “gets” what it is that I have been going through and she is giving me empowering boundary setting lessons. It certainly makes me the bad guy in the situation but it makes things more balanced.

People who abuse, whether they know it or not, are exerting power over you to keep you down. You are just as much a person as they are. So just take some encouragement to take it one day at a time (or one step).
 
Jesus may Your pure and healthy blood circulate in my poor ailing organism, and may Your pure and healthy body transform my weak unhealthy body, and may a healthy and vigorous life flowing once again within me, if it is truly Your Holy Will.

Amen.
 
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