How do I integrate myself into a parish? What if I can't?

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ConfusedLucy

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Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong area.

I guess my problem is I am trying to do the right thing and nourish my faith, I go to communion every week, I try to find time to pray most days etc. but I am really struggling with parish life.

I haven’t always been a good Catholic, my family are non-practicing/cultural and though I was brought up with the basics of the faith I didn’t really practice fully until I was living away from home. I was part of a wonderful community of people who supported me and I have those people to thank today.

However since my time at university I have lived in several areas and gone to a different church in each and I never feel like part of those parishes. I am somewhat socially anxious and am really not good at approaching people. I try to make the effort to go to social events but they tend to be few and far between. I have sometimes volunteered my time at church but you just go on a rota and don’t actually do a lot or spend enough time with the same people to get to know them. I have never managed to make any connection with anyone at church.

The first and second church after university I was the only person my age which is kind of awkward, I am not against making friends with older people but its hard to see what would naturally bring us together. I am now at my third church which is very family orientated. I am married but I don’t yet know if we can have children. Most of the social events are family based and I would feel a bit weird turning up alone.

I may have to accept that I will never be at a church where I fit in or make any new Catholic friends. I worry that this is something that will seriously hold me back with my faith.
 
Getting connected with a parish can be difficult.

I’ve found friends and connections through being part of a small faith community and Scripture Study classes. Both allow time for discussion and that’s a good way to get to know people.

I hope others will be along with ideas of how they got connected, especially for those of us who don’t fit into the “family events” type of demographic.
 
OP, some people just make friends more easily than others. I am afraid that I don’t have any magic advice for overcoming social anxiousness. Talk to people, say hello, don’t think negative thoughts. Don’t think that you cannot be friends with others outside your age group, those with children, etc… You can be friends with any Catholic because you have the most important thing in life in common.
 
It’s hard for me, too. It was easier when my kids were at home, but they went & grew up. It has taken time, but I’ve found a few like-minded people I enjoy talking with after mass. I don’t do a lot any more because I “did my time.” And the younger people have more energy. 😉

I’m afraid the only advice I can give is the old “be yourself.” Get comfortable in your skin & you might find things working out for you.
 
Volunteering.
Get together with people who feed the hungry. the St. Vincent de Paul ministry, those who volunteer with the local food bank, those who teach Sunday school, even money counters.
When you volunteer to help others, you naturally feel good, you let your guard down, and you can more easily make friends because you’re both on the same page.
No conflicting opinions, just helping hands.
Get involved in some outreach ministry. Maybe some people will be older, but you’ll also meet their younger sons and daughters.
God bless. 👍
 
I had the same difficulty and finally dropped out of the Church :(for about 10 years in favor of a Protestant church that is big on fellowship. Then I had a reversion and came back.🙂 I’m now in a smaller parish with no school and has both the EF and OF Mass. I seem to have found my place with the EF crowd and have made several friends. If it bothers you that much, I’d church shop until I found one that works. Some people warned me off the EF crowd because they thought it would not be friendly, but it is the only place I have actually felt welcome in the Church. The point being check things out for yourself. That being said, it does help to join a prayer group, study group, or some such where you will be interacting with people while you are there. Then they can introduce you to others and so on.
 
I will add this:

You are a member in a parish when you actively worship in community with them.
You don’t HAVE to be in a group to belong.
You are part of the Universal Church, and you are praying with millions daily.
If you want to make friends, cool. But don’t ever feel like you don’t belong.
Feelings. Be careful of them.
But honestly, I don’t know of any parish that has “enough” volunteers.
 
I started by volunteering or staying to help clean up after events, the least popular job. That gave a start to getting to know people,first to nod to, then to talk to, and finally by name 😉

I find it helps to have either a set of questions to ask about others or else to watch a really good role model.

ETA: and also to look out for others who may be feeling awkward and alone. I sidle up to them and ask a question like if they are new, etc. ( If they are not new, we usually find we go to different Masses).
 
pianistclare said:
I will add this:

You are a member in a parish when you actively worship in community with them.
You don’t HAVE to be in a group to belong.
You are part of the Universal Church, and you are praying with millions daily.
If you want to make friends, cool. But don’t ever feel like you don’t belong.
Feelings. Be careful of them.
But honestly, I don’t know of any parish that has “enough” volunteers.
Click to expand...
Yes, this.

I find volunteering when focused on a specific task at hand is really the easiest way for me to get to know someone, and then being purely social afterwards is easier because you’ve already had an experience in common. When you first meet, you can talk about what you’re doing!
 
pianistclare said:
I will add this:

You are a member in a parish when you actively worship in community with them.
You don’t HAVE to be in a group to belong.
You are part of the Universal Church, and you are praying with millions daily.
If you want to make friends, cool. But don’t ever feel like you don’t belong.
Feelings. Be careful of them.
But honestly, I don’t know of any parish that has “enough” volunteers.
Click to expand...
👍👍
 
It always helps me to find an email address from the parish of people who are in charge. Maybe call the parish secretary and ask for contact information if those in charge. Then just shoot them an email or whatever and just show up. This takes away the introduction stuff and I can create conversation while we work instead.
 
Thank you for all your responses, I will try to answer some points. I wish I could get involved in some kind of small prayer group, my non-Catholic husband is in one at his church and it really worked to connect him with people. Now when he goes to the tea and coffee he has people to talk to and the chance to meet people through them, we have also been invited to some get togethers which was nice. I wish more Catholic churches had this. I do have friends but they are either non-Catholic or not religious. I have a close Christian friend who I can swap prayer requests with and talk about church issues but she doesn’t always get what its like at a Catholic church, for example she suggested I go up to people during the sign of peace and introduce myself.

To be honest I have been tempted to just give up and find a church with lots of people my age and suitable groups but it just wouldn’t feel right as I really feel called to practice my faith and go to mass.

It’s still early days with this new parish and I don’t yet know if I am infertile so I do hold out some hope that I might eventually fit in here. I will try to get over my cynicism and look at volunteering although I am limited as I work full time. I have made a commitment to go to every parish event I can even if they are infrequent. To be fair they do at least properly advertise events in the church bulletin, I have been at churches where its all word of mouth which can feel cliquey as I didn’t have anyone to tell me things.

I will try to tell myself I belong in my parish no matter what but I honestly feel more of an affinity for my friends and family outside church than strangers who share the same religion. I just feel like a bad fit. I think inter-generational relationships are a good thing but these are people I have no history with. I don’t want to offend anyone but it seems like a lot of people with children don’t have lives outside them, it’s hard to relate. I just wish I had at least one or two Catholic friends or even acquaintances that understood me.
 
ConfusedLucy said:
Thank you for all your responses, I will try to answer some points. I wish I could get involved in some kind of small prayer group, my non-Catholic husband is in one at his church and it really worked to connect him with people. Now when he goes to the tea and coffee he has people to talk to and the chance to meet people through them, we have also been invited to some get togethers which was nice. I wish more Catholic churches had this. I do have friends but they are either non-Catholic or not religious. I have a close Christian friend who I can swap prayer requests with and talk about church issues but she doesn’t always get what its like at a Catholic church, for example she suggested I go up to people during the sign of peace and introduce myself.

To be honest I have been tempted to just give up and find a church with lots of people my age and suitable groups but it just wouldn’t feel right as I really feel called to practice my faith and go to mass.

It’s still early days with this new parish and I don’t yet know if I am infertile so I do hold out some hope that I might eventually fit in here. I will try to get over my cynicism and look at volunteering although I am limited as I work full time. I have made a commitment to go to every parish event I can even if they are infrequent. To be fair they do at least properly advertise events in the church bulletin, I have been at churches where its all word of mouth which can feel cliquey as I didn’t have anyone to tell me things.

I will try to tell myself I belong in my parish no matter what but I honestly feel more of an affinity for my friends and family outside church than strangers who share the same religion. I just feel like a bad fit. I think inter-generational relationships are a good thing but these are people I have no history with. I don’t want to offend anyone but it seems like a lot of people with children don’t have lives outside them, it’s hard to relate. I just wish I had at least one or two Catholic friends or even acquaintances that understood me.
Click to expand...
Talk in person with the parish secretary. She knows EVERYONE. She knows which ministries are particularly welcome. Please remember that volunteering is not limited to "every Monday morning from 9am-11am. Delivering food baskets at Thanksgiving likely coincides with your time off.
Sorting things in the food pantry can be done whenever you are available.
You can work the coffee and donuts when you come to church anyway.
We are a small parish, and we have over 50 “ministries” Just ask her. She’ll steer you somewhere She will not give out contact info though. She will take YOUR info and pass it along. If you don’t receive a call or email within a week, ask her again.
You can likely be introduced to many of the ministry leaders after Mass on Sunday.
Let us know how it turns out!
Welcome here, btw. 🙂
 
I agree with you, small prayer groups (or Bible studies) are a great way to meet people.
Why don’t you talk to your pastor to see if you can start one? Decide what group might appeal most to you and others. It could be a weekly Miraculous Medal devotion, a charismatic group, a Rosary group, a St. Padre Pio prayer group, St Therese, lectio Divino, etc. There are many different good Catholic Bible Studies available.

If refreshments are provided you can have fellowship afterwards.
 
I understand your need for fellowship, but if you were to step outside of your need and just see where you might serve, I think the best fellowship will soon follow. I also see nothing wrong with attending your parish Mass for the Sacraments, and attending Christian social events and prayer groups with your husband.
 
Again all comments appreciated. I don’t actually know who the parish secretary is but I think I will do some research on the different types of prayer groups. I have never led anything in church before and haven’t been involved since university. I think I will contact the secretary to try and see if there is likely to be much interest. I think what has put me off in the past is knowing that if I did start a group there would only be me in it.

I am keen to do some serving where I can. I don’t see serving and fellowship as separate things, to me they are always linked, ie. good serving opportunities can naturally lead to fellowship and a person well supported in fellowship can be empowered to serve rather than feeling like a square peg.

I don’t know if it’s me but I haven’t had a lot of luck with volunteering in or outside of church. I mentioned earlier I have been on a church rota which only involved helping out a handful of times a year which meant that the people never stopped feeling like strangers and I never felt like I knew what I was doing which made me anxious. I never had this problem at university, serving just felt like a natural extension of being in fellowship and we all supported one another. I have also looked outside the church over the years and found volunteering to be mostly things where you get an hours training and sent to work on your own or else adverts desperate for a person to lead/organise/run something. What I would ideally want would be to volunteer regularly as part of a group and then in time I could gain experience and be in a position to lead. Maybe I have just been unlucky.

In the meanwhile I will continue to pray. We sometimes host my husbands church group and I am learning a lot about what makes a good fellowship ministry.
 
My suggestion would be to see if they need any volunteers for the Religious Ed program. It’s a great way to meet people and the classes are fun, especially the ones for younger students.
 
It is the Catholic church, you’re not supposed to feel welcome, befriended nor included. Go to mass, sit toward the back, preferably alone, keep your head down and your mouth closed and exit the church as soon as father passes your pew after he leaves the altar. It is the Catholic way to do things.
One practice I’ve adopted is that I back into my parking spot. It makes for a really quick exit…

Try it. You’ll like it…
 
pianistclare said:
I will add this:

You are a member in a parish when you actively worship in community with them.
You don’t HAVE to be in a group to belong.
You are part of the Universal Church, and you are praying with millions daily.
If you want to make friends, cool. But don’t ever feel like you don’t belong.
Feelings. Be careful of them.
But honestly, I don’t know of any parish that has “enough” volunteers.
Click to expand...
I agree with this. My situation is different. I’ve recently come back to my hometown parish after being away for 25 years. I felt awkward at first, but now after a couple of months, I feel quite at home. It helps that a few people I’ve talked to remember golfing with my dad 40 years ago!
 
Minion_w_a_drum said:
It is the Catholic church, you’re not supposed to feel welcome, befriended nor included. Go to mass, sit toward the back, preferably alone, keep your head down and your mouth closed and exit the church as soon as father passes your pew after he leaves the altar. It is the Catholic way to do things.
One practice I’ve adopted is that I back into my parking spot. It makes for a really quick exit…

Try it. You’ll like it…
Click to expand...
This tends to happen, I think I start with the best intentions but when my attempts to find people who want to connect fail I kind of default to this behaviour. Similarly when I force myself to go to something like coffee after mass and no one talks to me I just tend to leave as soon as I can.

I wish I had some history with these people but I just don’t and it seems so hard to even get to acquaintance level. Growing up I didn’t really have a proper Catholic upbringing and I feel like a bit of a foreigner when I go to church.

I will keep praying and reading up on Catholic Bible study but I don’t know if I am ready to lead, would people be happy to be led by someone over a decade younger? Especially one who doesn’t really know what she is doing?
 
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