How do I justify needing my husband's help in the morning?

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Serap

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I cannot handle my kids on my own in the morning. I’m in a hurry, they refuse to get out of bed, refuse to have their teeth brushed or refuse to put on their coats. They also fight.

About 3 mornings a week, I am almost in tears and yelling and my kids are crying. Then I go to work feeling like a horrible mother.

So I finally told my husband that I need his help to get the kids out the door b/c whenever he helps me, it’s usually calm and I don’t lose my temper. It flows way easier than if I"m alone.

So today my husband told me that we need to start leaving 15 min earlier, which is doable for me. Then he said he doesn’t understand why I can’t do this task myself in the mornings. Why do I need his help he says.

What could I say to make him realize I really DO need his help and that he doesn’t see me as whiney or weak.
 
Serap said:
I cannot handle my kids on my own in the morning. I’m in a hurry, they refuse to get out of bed, refuse to have their teeth brushed or refuse to put on their coats. They also fight.

About 3 mornings a week, I am almost in tears and yelling and my kids are crying. Then I go to work feeling like a horrible mother.

So I finally told my husband that I need his help to get the kids out the door b/c whenever he helps me, it’s usually calm and I don’t lose my temper. It flows way easier than if I"m alone.

So today my husband told me that we need to start leaving 15 min earlier, which is doable for me. Then he said he doesn’t understand why I can’t do this task myself in the mornings. Why do I need his help he says.

What could I say to make him realize I really DO need his help and that he doesn’t see me as whiney or weak.
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I’m confused – why does your husband think this is your job solely?
 
He’s a husband and a father. Tell him he needs to act like it. Period.
 
“I have tried this by myself, and half of the time either the kids are in tears or I’m almost in tears. If you want to do it yourself, have at it. I need help.”

It isn’t your job, singular. It is your job, plural–yours and his, together. It is called parenting. If this is a parenting duty that he can manage by himself and you can’t, I’d say that is a reason for it to become his job. “But that won’t be as enjoyable for you or the children, so I’ll help you, dear.” Or maybe not. He may sign on for a re-division of labor, where he does the morning routine and you take over something he has on his list that he doesn’t like to do but that you would gladly trade for the morning arsenic hour, who knows? (Wouldn’t that be cool!)

Having said that, the “refuse to get out of bed” thing does not cut it. There is not going to be a vote in the morning about whether the children will agree to get out of bed, brush their teeth, or get dressed on time. There is not going to be an “allowed fight time” scheduled for the worst possible time every day. If they need to practice this routine on Saturday mornings until they get it right or give up evening TV or exciting entertainments after a bad morning so they will have enough quiet time to be fresher the next day, so be it.

It may be that you could use your husband’s help in driving that point home with your children.

I think the 15 minutes early idea is good. One of my kids started getting up ten minutes early to enjoy a hot drink and time to wake up before he got going, and now they both do it. Very civilized!

You may also want to look into which tasks need to become your children’s work before bed time, such as laying out clothing and anything else that needs to be found to take to school. That could lower the morning stress level a good deal. Besides, doing preparation for the next day on the night before is good habit for them to take to college. (IOW: Preparation needs to be their job, not the job of parents alone.)
 
I’m a stay at home mom. If my husband is home because he hasn’t left for work yet, he gets breakfast while I get the lunches ready. If that’s the case he’ll drive them to school as well on his way to work.

On other mornings when he’s gone already, I get them out the door, and drive them on my own.

The children (mine are 13, 10 and 5) are responsible for their own back packs, to make sure their homework assignments are ready etc.

Perhaps the night before get as much done as possible, school clothes ready to wear, lunches made, backpacks checked.

I would also stagger wake up times, so not everyone is up all at once, so maybe parents first, then kids. Maybe kids go to bed earlier as well.
 
Serap said:
I cannot handle my kids on my own in the morning. I’m in a hurry, they refuse to get out of bed, refuse to have their teeth brushed or refuse to put on their coats. They also fight.

About 3 mornings a week, I am almost in tears and yelling and my kids are crying. Then I go to work feeling like a horrible mother.

So I finally told my husband that I need his help to get the kids out the door b/c whenever he helps me, it’s usually calm and I don’t lose my temper. It flows way easier than if I"m alone.

So today my husband told me that we need to start leaving 15 min earlier, which is doable for me. Then he said he doesn’t understand why I can’t do this task myself in the mornings. Why do I need his help he says.

What could I say to make him realize I really DO need his help and that he doesn’t see me as whiney or weak.
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Does your husband find it easy to get the kids out the door by himself? If not, why should he expect you to find it easy? If he does find it easy to do by himself and you find it difficult, perhaps that’s a sign that he should do it? (I actually think that the secret sauce here is that it’s both of you working on the project at the same time–one parent per kid.)

Rounding up small children to get them out the door is one of the more challenging parenting tasks. When my two oldest were little, I think I remember whenever I’d get one ready to leave, the other would have run off. It was like herding cats.

Here’s the “cowboys herding cats” ad.

youtube.com/watch?v=Pk7yqlTMvp8

As to not sounding whiny, here’s a possible script. “Honey, I understand that you find it easy to get the kids out the door by yourself, but I don’t. It’s really important to get everybody out on time in the morning so that everybody has a good day and I would like you to contribute to that process. Anyway, the kids would like to see you in the morning. We’ll get up 15 minutes earlier as you suggested. Thanks so much for helping me this morning–I had a much better morning because you helped.”
 
Serap said:
I cannot handle my kids on my own in the morning. I’m in a hurry, they refuse to get out of bed, refuse to have their teeth brushed or refuse to put on their coats. They also fight.

About 3 mornings a week, I am almost in tears and yelling and my kids are crying. Then I go to work feeling like a horrible mother.

So I finally told my husband that I need his help to get the kids out the door b/c whenever he helps me, it’s usually calm and I don’t lose my temper. It flows way easier than if I"m alone.

So today my husband told me that we need to start leaving 15 min earlier, which is doable for me. Then he said he doesn’t understand why I can’t do this task myself in the mornings. Why do I need his help he says.

What could I say to make him realize I really DO need his help and that he doesn’t see me as whiney or weak.
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Why would he think that you were “whiney or weak” when you are apparently BOTH working parents? Where is it written that getting the children ready and out the door is your sole responsibility?

Were you a stay-at-home mom with the children as your prime responsibility he might have more of a point. But you aren’t, and he doesn’t.
 
I’d add, it’s only whining if you whine.

If you don’t whine, it’s politely making a reasonable request.
 
Serap said:
I cannot handle my kids on my own in the morning. ** I’m in a hurry, they refuse to get out of bed, refuse to have their teeth brushed or refuse to put on their coats. They also fight.**

Right here is the crux of the problem. Ask yourself why you are in a hurry. You need to look closely at what needs to be done to have everyone ready in time to leave home, and how long each component should take to do. That will determine at what time you should get up. Further, because you are in a hurry, it appears that the children play on that - children are very, very good at knowing when you are under stress and they will play on it. So, you need to organize some things the night before, be up before them and be in control. You also need to discipline them, calmly and firmly, if they refuse to obey you, or fight - whether with you or among themselves. You are their parent. They need to be very clear on that.

About 3 mornings a week, I am almost in tears and yelling and my kids are crying. Then I go to work feeling like a horrible mother.

So I finally told my husband that I need his help to get the kids out the door b/c whenever he helps me, it’s usually calm and I don’t lose my temper. It flows way easier than if I"m alone.

So today my husband told me that we need to start leaving 15 min earlier, which is doable for me. Then he said he doesn’t understand why I can’t do this task myself in the mornings. Why do I need his help he says. **Has your husband never seen what seems to be happening when you are handling things by yourself?

Have you noted how he handles them? Can you learn from what he does? Can he give you some pointers. If both of you are at home and everyone is getting ready to leave the house, then, of course, he must be involved in this. That is what parenting is all about.
**
What could I say to make him realize I really DO need his help and that he doesn’t see me as whiney or weak.
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**As a 71 year mother of 2, I would never have put up with any of the type of behavior you described in your first paragraph! Children need boundaries and, if they are not stopped, they will get worse and worse until they drive you to madness! It is very good for your mental health to put a stop to the children’s bad behavior. **
 
Dear OP,
Sounds like you are the lone disciplinarian in the house. Even if he wants to ignore what he ought to be doing to actively help, he can at the very least insist that the children accept what you say as LAW. He should step in when they fuss and give you trouble.
But really, what part of the parenting does he suppose he should be doing? Posing for Christmas card pics? I don’t mean to sound so harsh, but he really is missing an opportunity to bond with his kids on a very basic level. He is actively teaching them that guys don’t pitch in. Is that what he wants for his sons and daughters? Maybe pitch it to him that way,
What image of family life and happy marriage are we showing our kids?
Be assured of our prayers.
 
You don’t need to justify it.

Tell him to “man up,” and tell him I said so. :hey_bud:
 
I haven’t been around in a while… I guess my question would be why does your husband want to be rendered useless and unnecessary in the home. Why simply be a paycheck?

In our house, my husband actually does all the dealings in the morning. Gets the kids dressed, makes their breakfast, and lunches. I take over at dropping them off for school. My husband has a very busy, insane work schedule. If he didn’t take the time with our children in the mornings, he could go days without seeing them. What kind of relationship does that build? I’ll tell you what. None.

This isn’t just about helping you. It’s also about being a family.

That said, if one of my children gave me such grief I’ve been known to take them out to the car in their jammies. It’s TIME TO LEAVE! You don’t want to get dressed and eat, that’s your choice. But I’ve got to go. I’ve brought a bag of clothes for them to change into. This happened maybe twice. They are ready way before I’m ready to go now.

Fact is, we are leaving when it’s time to go regardless of their readiness.
 
Joan_M said:
**As a 71 year mother of 2, I would never have put up with any of the type of behavior you described in your first paragraph! Children need boundaries and, if they are not stopped, they will get worse and worse until they drive you to madness! It is very good for your mental health to put a stop to the children’s bad behavior. **
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This is the kind of thing that is best handled by both parents sitting the kids down and saying, "This stops now. No one is enjoying the way our mornings have been going, and that is going to change.
“Tomorrow morning, you are going to get out of bed when you’re told to do it. No guff, or these will be the consequences–(fill in the blank). We’ll stand there until you swing your feet out of the bed, but we’re not coming in to wake you twice. When you leave the breakfast table, these are going to be the things your are going to do: brush your teeth, get dressed, and lay your coat by the door. Then you can please yourself until it is time to go. You are going to get a two-minute warning, and then you are going to get up from whatever you are doing, put your coat on, and go to the car. Again: no guff. We have a schedule, it is not up for discussion.”

It could be that with the husband’s help to impose a routine and make disciplinary measures stick, either one of the parents could get the children going alone without finding it onerous. That remains to be seen. It is not too much to ask for help in getting the family a good start to its day, to not have one parent expected to do it alone.
 
Your husband needs to realize that it probably works better when he is also there because the kids see you two as a united front and that always makes things run smoother because the kids know there is no choice but to obey. Plus, when both of you work together you two can divide and conquer the kids’ misbehavior so it is less work per person.

If you have a pet, you could always train the pet to help. My mom trained our 85 pound golden retriever to wake us up. She would tell the dog to “wake up the girls” and he would go in each room and jump on the bed. When a big dog lands on you, barks, and licks your face you HAVE to get up!!!
 
faithfully said:
That said, if one of my children gave me such grief I’ve been known to take them out to the car in their jammies. It’s TIME TO LEAVE! You don’t want to get dressed and eat, that’s your choice. But I’ve got to go. I’ve brought a bag of clothes for them to change into. This happened maybe twice. They are ready way before I’m ready to go now.
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Funny!
 
How old are your children? Mine are 8 and 5 and I have a tough time some mornings too. My DH isn’t home most of the time, since his work takes him out of town during the week. But if he’s here, he helps- I’m curious what your husband is doing while you are trying to get everyone going? Is he just calmly in the bathroom shaving? I’d be pretty angry at that!

My routine is to have the clothes laid out the night before, the lunches started, and the backpacks ready. We take an hour from out of bed to out the door, so I kind of shovel the kids out of bed whether they like it or not. If my husband is home and we do it together, it’s a whole different ballgame. What yours might not realize is “how easy it is” when the two of you are doing it. Perhaps take a sick day one day and stay in bed, and see if he can juggle it all on his own.

As far as telling him, say, look. I have to go to work too you know. There is no reason why I should have to do everything on my own for OUR children in the one hour in the morning we have to get ready. Thanks for your ever so helpful suggestion to get started earlier- but my suggestion is- you are on duty as well.
 
EasterJoy said:
This is the kind of thing that is best handled by both parents sitting the kids down and saying, "This stops now. No one is enjoying the way our mornings have been going, and that is going to change.
“Tomorrow morning, you are going to get out of bed when you’re told to do it. No guff, or these will be the consequences–(fill in the blank). We’ll stand there until you swing your feet out of the bed, but we’re not coming in to wake you twice. When you leave the breakfast table, these are going to be the things your are going to do: brush your teeth, get dressed, and lay your coat by the door. Then you can please yourself until it is time to go. You are going to get a two-minute warning, and then you are going to get up from whatever you are doing, put your coat on, and go to the car. Again: no guff. We have a schedule, it is not up for discussion.”

It could be that with the husband’s help to impose a routine and make disciplinary measures stick, either one of the parents could get the children going alone without finding it onerous. That remains to be seen. It is not too much to ask for help in getting the family a good start to its day, to not have one parent expected to do it alone.
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I agree with Easter Joy. I have a newborn at home, and my middle child just started kindergarten. She was doing the same thing for me every morning…throwing fits, refusing to put on her clothes or brush her hair, laying in bed and whining…you name it. As I am trying to nurse a baby and change diapers, I simply do not have the time, energy or emotional strength to deal with it. So, she sat down with my husband and myself and we had a “Come to Jesus” talk with her! 😃 If she wants to live in this house, she follows our rules. If she has a fit in the morning, then she doesn’t get to play outside in the afternoon. For every minute she lays in bed whining, she goes to bed 5 minutes earlier that night. Ever since we had that one talk…I have had NO problems. If she looks like she is about to start, I will just say to her, “I guess you don’t want to play outside with your friends after school today. Okay.” That stops it really quick! I also agree with Joan: my house, my rules. The kids don’t run the house. We as adults do, and they need to listen.

(Note: that is WE, as in you and your husband. I agree with the person who said he needs to man up!)👍
 
You could ask your husband to do it on his own for a few weeks and then revisit the issue with him to see if he still wants to do it solo. He’ll get it after a few days–from the sound of it, he’s only done it with the benefit of your help, not on his own, so he may not understand what kind of burden it feels like to be responsible for getting the household moving every day.
 
1newcatholic said:
You could ask your husband to do it on his own for a few weeks and then revisit the issue with him to see if he still wants to do it solo. He’ll get it after a few days–from the sound of it, he’s only done it with the benefit of your help, not on his own, so he may not understand what kind of burden it feels like to be responsible for getting the household moving every day.
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Yes!
 
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