How do I justify needing my husband's help in the morning?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Serap
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
From what I remember of the OP she has a hard time disciplining her children due to being a victim of child abuse. I don’t know if this problem lies with the husband, but the solution may. Serap, ask your husband for honest help. Let him know you struggle enforcing the rules, and ask him to step in for you. He needs to let the children know they need to mind their mother, and not give you grief. Perhaps you could also ask him for some positive criticism to help you. No one likes to be told what they are doing wrong, but sometimes we need to be open to corrections. As for you, Serap, remember the same when you discipline. Your children will not like being corrected, but you must out of love. Getting angry with your children is normal, it is how you react to that anger that indicates your maturity.
 
faithfully said:
I haven’t been around in a while… I guess my question would be why does your husband want to be rendered useless and unnecessary in the home. Why simply be a paycheck?

In our house, my husband actually does all the dealings in the morning. Gets the kids dressed, makes their breakfast, and lunches. I take over at dropping them off for school. My husband has a very busy, insane work schedule. If he didn’t take the time with our children in the mornings, he could go days without seeing them. What kind of relationship does that build? I’ll tell you what. None.

This isn’t just about helping you. It’s also about being a family.

That said, if one of my children gave me such grief I’ve been known to take them out to the car in their jammies. It’s TIME TO LEAVE! You don’t want to get dressed and eat, that’s your choice. But I’ve got to go. I’ve brought a bag of clothes for them to change into. This happened maybe twice. They are ready way before I’m ready to go now.

Fact is, we are leaving when it’s time to go regardless of their readiness.
Click to expand...
Can I please have your husband??? :D:p
 
savedbygrace71 said:
How old are your children? Mine are 8 and 5 and I have a tough time some mornings too. My DH isn’t home most of the time, since his work takes him out of town during the week. But if he’s here, he helps- I’m curious what your husband is doing while you are trying to get everyone going? Is he just calmly in the bathroom shaving? I’d be pretty angry at that!

My routine is to have the clothes laid out the night before, the lunches started, and the backpacks ready. We take an hour from out of bed to out the door, so I kind of shovel the kids out of bed whether they like it or not. If my husband is home and we do it together, it’s a whole different ballgame. What yours might not realize is “how easy it is” when the two of you are doing it. Perhaps take a sick day one day and stay in bed, and see if he can juggle it all on his own.

As far as telling him, say, look. I have to go to work too you know. There is no reason why I should have to do everything on my own for OUR children in the one hour in the morning we have to get ready. Thanks for your ever so helpful suggestion to get started earlier- but my suggestion is- you are on duty as well.
Click to expand...
👍
 
Thanks everyone. I finally got round to reading all the replies.

Yes, my kids are 4 and 7. My 7 year old is easy. She does a lot on her own.

My son is what they call “spirited”. He easily melts down and yes, I also have a tendency to over react to my son. In the morning, I am usually grumpier also. I’m not a morning person and neither is my husband.

He has agreed to do this with me in the morning. I get them ready; all my husband has to do is help with the coats and shoes and we take one child each and walk to school.

This morning I was getting angry with my 4 year old son b/c he was sitting on the stairs smirking at me like, “bring it on.” My husband could see that i was getting angry so he told me to go ahead and take my daughter. I did that and then a few minutes later my husband and son were laughing and running behind us trying to be in 1st place. It was fun. This is a much better way of me getting my kids to school.

My daughter is not the problem; it’s my 4 year old son. I’m sure as he matures, things will get easier. He’s just a little **** sometimes. We are very strict with him and he gets disciplined on a daily basis when he tests us. He has improved tremendously since he was a toddler. We are seeing gradual and constant improvement, so our parenting styles seem to be effective. He’s also doing well socially at school…no issues that need addressing.

Thanks for everyone who contributed here.
 
As for nightly preparations, yes I have been getting better at that. I make lunches and lay out clothes the night before. I have the backpacks all packed with homework and library books the night before.

In the morning, I wake up, get ready. Then I wake up everyone else (husband included). 30 minutes later, we are out the door. It runs smoothly b/c I prepare everything the night before.

The only time mornings are hectic is when my son decides he doesn’t want to get ready or go to school. He then begins to meltdown and that’s when I really need help.
 
Serap said:
As for nightly preparations, yes I have been getting better at that. I make lunches and lay out clothes the night before. I have the backpacks all packed with homework and library books the night before.

In the morning, I wake up, get ready. Then I wake up everyone else (husband included). 30 minutes later, we are out the door. It runs smoothly b/c I prepare everything the night before.

The only time mornings are hectic is when my son decides he doesn’t want to get ready or go to school. He then begins to meltdown and that’s when I really need help.
Click to expand...
I was stuffing my oldest into her clothes and dragging her to the car in the morning for school right up until third grade (oldest is mildly autistic). As of 3rd grade, she magically started being able to get ready herself.

Meanwhile, her little brother was able to get himself ready starting at 4.
 
Good Im glad you had a better morning. I actually have started working with a life coach on how to tackle these problems that seem to be easy for everyone else. I only mention it because I think people are embarrased to admit they need help. I know it sounds cheesy but really it’s helpful when I follow the plan. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and work on a good routine. Sounds like you are getting better at it. Nothing changes overnight and some days will be harder than others.
All that said I like how Easter Morning approached it with a discussion and clear cut rules and expectations. For right now timers motivate my kids to move faster. “Ok kids let’s try and get dressed before the timer beeps!” Won’t work forever but it s for now.
God bless
 
petitfleur said:
Good Im glad you had a better morning. I actually have started working with a life coach on how to tackle these problems that seem to be easy for everyone else. I only mention it because I think people are embarrased to admit they need help. I know it sounds cheesy but really it’s helpful when I follow the plan. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and work on a good routine. Sounds like you are getting better at it. Nothing changes overnight and some days will be harder than others.
All that said I like how Easter Morning approached it with a discussion and clear cut rules and expectations. For right now timers motivate my kids to move faster. “Ok kids let’s try and get dressed before the timer beeps!” Won’t work forever but it s for now.
God bless
Click to expand...
Glad you’ve found something that works for you!
 
Can I suggest with the night time preparations… With the exception of making lunches, the rest is the jobs belong to the children.

We don’t set out clothes at night, I have boys, they are quick to decide. However, if they were set out, they would be the ones to set them out. They also, put their homework folders in their own bags, and the bags are at the front door. Same with music instruments. I was blown away just this week that instruments were set out without my reminder. YAY! (They are 9) Jackets and shoes are put away so they are easily found first thing. I do a quick check, and remind them if necessary. Or otherwise… Hey… great job getting your stuff done.

Oh, I’ll also mention, unless the kids are choosing to wear something that will compromise their health in the weather, or it’s picture day. They can pretty much wear whatever they want.

They are also responsible for a quick play area clean up. Which is sometimes like pulling teeth.
 
Serap said:
Thanks everyone. I finally got round to reading all the replies.

Yes, my kids are 4 and 7. My 7 year old is easy. She does a lot on her own.

My son is what they call “spirited”. He easily melts down and yes, I also have a tendency to over react to my son. In the morning, I am usually grumpier also. I’m not a morning person and neither is my husband.

He has agreed to do this with me in the morning. I get them ready; all my husband has to do is help with the coats and shoes and we take one child each and walk to school.

This morning I was getting angry with my 4 year old son b/c he was sitting on the stairs smirking at me like, “bring it on.” My husband could see that i was getting angry so he told me to go ahead and take my daughter. I did that and then a few minutes later my husband and son were laughing and running behind us trying to be in 1st place. It was fun. This is a much better way of me getting my kids to school.

My daughter is not the problem; it’s my 4 year old son. I’m sure as he matures, things will get easier. He’s just a little **** sometimes. We are very strict with him and he gets disciplined on a daily basis when he tests us. He has improved tremendously since he was a toddler. We are seeing gradual and constant improvement, so our parenting styles seem to be effective. He’s also doing well socially at school…no issues that need addressing.

Thanks for everyone who contributed here.
Click to expand...
That’s a good story! Some dogs are good dogs, but take a lot more handling. That is why the tag-team parenting can be so useful. Very often one of you has tricks and leverage that the other one simply does not have.

May your son look back and appreciate how much his parents did for him!
 
As your children get older, you and your husband should be doing less and less of their morning routine. The responsibility for their morning routine should be gradually shifted to THEM.

E.g., a 7-8 year old is perfectly capable of making his/her own breakfast if it’s simple–a bowl of cereal with milk and a glass of OJ. A 9-year old can make his/her own lunch, or find the lunch ticket/money.

And so on.

By the time they are around 10 years old, they really should be doing everything on their own in the morning, other than driving themselves to school.

Yes, you will probably still get up to be able to chat with them, pray with them, etc. But you shouldn’t have to be making lunches, making breakfast, laying out clothing, reminding them to do various hygeine chores (teeth, shower, hair combing, etc.).

And if they fail to take responsibility, they have to bear the consequences. If they are late for school, they take a detention or a demerit or whatever the “penalty” is in their school. If they forget their lunch, they go hungry for a few hours until they get home. Etc.

Transfer the responsibility with a positive approach: “The closer you get to being a grownup, the more privileges you will have. You will get to make your own breakfast, and your own lunch, and get yourself ready without Mommy or Daddy standing outside the door. It’s wonderful to be a grownup! You’ll love it!”

We did this with our daughters, and even though they had to get up at 5:00 a.m. to get to the skating rink, they were still essentially “on their own” from the time they were about 8 years old.

And they thanked us for this when they got older! They liked being responsible and not having to depend on Mom and Dad for everything. A lot of their friends didn’t even know how to do laundry or pack a simple lunch!
 
From a previous thread–A Husband’s Responsibility

Being a leader to your wife and family means being a SERVANT. That was the approach that Jesus took. He was a Servant to the point of giving His life for His Bride the Church.

Start by just being there (something that seems so basic, but a lot of husbands miss it and end up being gone all the time for reasons other than work obligations).

And when you are there, deal with whatever comes up in the moment without being asked (e.g., dishes need washing and wife and children are busy doing another family project, so you do them).

Just be there and do the work of the day, whatever it is, without being asked and without being crabby about it, and don’t expect any thanks (although hopefully your wife and children will say thank you).
 
acadiANNA said:
From a previous thread–A Husband’s Responsibility

Being a leader to your wife and family means being a SERVANT. That was the approach that Jesus took. He was a Servant to the point of giving His life for His Bride the Church.

Start by just being there (something that seems so basic, but a lot of husbands miss it and end up being gone all the time for reasons other than work obligations).

And when you are there, deal with whatever comes up in the moment without being asked (e.g., dishes need washing and wife and children are busy doing another family project, so you do them).

Just be there and do the work of the day, whatever it is, without being asked and without being crabby about it, and don’t expect any thanks (although hopefully your wife and children will say thank you).
Click to expand...
great post
 
It has been my experience that women need more time to get ready in the morning themselves. I can get out of bed, and have my shower and be dressed in 20 minutes easy, my wife: no way.
It is only logical that the main responsibility for getting kids ready for school falls on the husband. Heck, mothers end up doing most of the work in the evening, it seems more than fair.
Tell your husband to quite being lazy and man-up, or rather tell him that was my response.
 
 
AnnArbor said:
I’m confused – why does your husband think this is your job solely?
Click to expand...
Siegehammer said:
He’s a husband and a father. Tell him he needs to act like it. Period.
Click to expand...
EasterJoy said:
It isn’t your job, singular. It is your job, plural–yours and his, together. It is called parenting.
Click to expand...
In theory, I am in full agreement with this sentiment. Parenting is a two person job. However, we sometimes have to make concessions due to practical considerations. When our tribe was in elementary school my husband was trying to build his law practice. Especially during a trial or while doing trial prep, he’d come dragging home at midnight knowing that he had to get up and do it again the next day. It simply wasn’t practical for me to suggest that he get up an hour earlier to help the kids dress while I packed lunches. DH was also a junior officer in the ANG. Back then, he was required to fly a certain number of hours every year. Typically, he would get these hours in between trials. Again, this sometimes required some late nights. If I knew he was flying that day, there is no way in the world I was going to interrupt his sleep to help the kids find their shoes or their homework. Yes, I had many a hectic morning. But DH made up for it in many other ways.
 
Children need to be clear on what is expected of them. Maybe have a talk with them before bedtime prayer about their morning routine. What time they need to get up, what time they are expected to be ready. The husband is a wife’s helper in healthy families. Example: St. Joseph. Praying for you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top