How do i keep him satified?

[jellie89]

I am a virgin. My boyfriend knows and respects this, and would never pressure me into anything. But he has recently made it known to me that he is very frustrated. To the point where he doesn’t want to see me that often because if he kisses me he gets excited. What can i do? What can he do?

 

[BamaRider]

You don’t need to do anything sweetie, if he leaves it will be his loss. In fact if he keeps fussing about it, he won’t have to do anything, you will.

I’ll let the ladies here guide you, but that’s what I’d tell my little girl.

 

[jellie89]

I’m not worried that he’ll leave. I just want to make his life a little easier. And I don’t want him to worry about spending time with me

 

[kage_ar]

A few questions.

Are you both practicing Catholics?

What is your age in general (early high school, college, etc.)

How long have you been dating?

What are your plans for the future?

 

[jellie89]

I’m 19 and a practicing Catholic; he’s 21, Catholic, but in name only. We’re both in college. We’ve been together since March, but we broke up recently because of communication problems, and we’re trying to fix things. I have no idea what our future holds

 

[vocatio]

My assessment of any guy that claims to be frustrated and needs to leave is that he is already trying to coerce you. Don’t listen to me. I just know the types. I’m a guy. And I too will allow the women to guide you. But if that was my boy I’d have a man to boy [doesn’t deserve to be called a man until he acts like one] talk with him about how to treat a lady.

 

[jellie89]

Let me clear something up. He’s not threatening to leave. He’s not complaining. He’s not trying to get me to do anything. We’ve just been talking more lately, trying to communicate, and he mentioned it. At this point it is not a big deal, and it’s not something he will leave me for.

He’s frustrated, not because i wont have sex with him, but because he doesn’t want to want to when he’s around me. That’s the problem.

And I do want to hear from the guys because ya’ll know better what he’s going through

 

[ChristinaM]

He’s frustrated, not because i wont have sex with him, but because he doesn’t want to want to when he’s around me. That’s the problem.

You said he’s a Catholic “in name only” - maybe he needs to consider improving his spiritual life and relationship with God. In my experience the grace of chastity is something that comes through prayer, Mass attendance and regular confession. Abstaining from sex is one thing, growing in holiness (“not wanting to want to”) is another. God bless.

 

[BamaRider]

To the point where he doesn’t want to see me that often because if he kisses me he gets excited

Oh ok, I was a little confused by the title of the thread and this statement.

He’s frustrated, not because i wont have sex with him, but because he doesn’t want to want to when he’s around me. That’s the problem.

Ok so he’s being aroused when he doesn’t want to be? Is this the problem?

A 21 year old guy is bascially aroused when the wind blows. Its nature. What makes us different from the rest of the biological world is we have a choice.

My wife was a 19 year old virgin when we met and up to the day we were married. We dated almost 2 years, and had a 6 month engagement. She was going through RCIA during our engagement, and it was important to her to be chaste.

I was the first serious relationship in her life. Was it hard to stay the course? YES. Was it frustrating YES. Did we argue about it? Sometimes. Did we fool around? Yes. And it was not always me doing the fussing. Sometimes I had to be the one to cut things off, because I knew she would be upset the next morning if we caved. At the nuptial mass, we agreed it was important for us to be chaste. We talked about that numerous times.

Both of us are/were the physical type, and in the last few months we basically avoided all occasions to be alone, because it was getting harder and harder. Six weeks from our wedding day we were fixing up the apt we were going to call home, we were alone, and I told her to get her purse because instead of cleaning bathrooms we were fooling around LOL.

She didn’t say a word to me all the way home. She was *hacked, *but the next day she was apologetic and thankful we didn’t blow it that close to the wedding.

The next time we went to clean the apt her mother and sister came with us (talk about a drag)

I suggest y’all try the same approach. Just avoid being alone in places you think no one is watching. He doesnt’ want to come see you because he doesn’t want to have sex, but when you’re near he fears he will get out of line?

Did ya ask him how he propose to advance the relationship, when he fears being with you even in a casual settings?

I get it he respects your wishes, but I suggest he show a little maturity, which might be in short supply at 21.

I know what he’s going through, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to see Debbie. Heck, I just had to deal with it.

 

[TLDenmark]

Dear jellie89

To the point where he doesn’t want to see me that often because if he kisses me he gets excited. What can i do? What can he do?

If the problem is the kissing, you might consider stopping or altering that activity. Anyway good for both of you, that you are determined to stay pure .

God bless you
TL

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Bama Rider’s post is really good.

I know a guy who is dating a girl who doesn’t “get” that long smooching sessions upset him. He really wants to be chaste and it’s hard for him to control his desires.

So, the thing to do is to avoid being alone with him and keep kissing to a minimum.

 

[puzzleannie]

you need to get married, or get a new boyfriend, one who realizes “sexual satisfaction” is a privilege reserved for marriage, and such activity has no place and no legitimate purpose outside marriage. I predict a grim future for any marriage based solely on the concept of one person being regarding as a mechanical object to “satisfy the needs” of the other party.

If you really want to make his life easier, suggest he grow up and leave off the sophmoric attitude toward sex and first learn how to be a friend with a girl without demanding sexual services as the price of maintaining a relationship.

Of course you have communication problems, because he is at a level that reduces interaction to the purely physical. that is why I say young people have to first learn the art of friendship, sharing in such a way that is not merely physical, before they are able to enter into a mature romantic relationship. You will not be able to develop intimacy, which is the desired end of true communication, if the only contact with which he is satisfied is the physical. Again, a very poor basis for marriage.

 

[jellie89]

When I said satisfied i meant emotionally not physically. How can I ease his burden without endangering my purity. Again our relationship is solid and not based on the physical, and he hasn’t asked for anything.

Thank you BamaRider; if avoiding alone time is our only option i’ll have to start suggesting group time. I just wish there was another way. I miss him holding me.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Thank you BamaRider; if avoiding alone time is our only option i’ll have to start suggesting group time. I just wish there was another way. I miss him holding me.

**
I believe avoiding alone time would be a great option. As for him not holding you…this can be a great lesson in sacrificial love. You would be giving up something you need to meet a greater need of his.**

 

[kage_ar]

I just wish there was another way. I miss him holding me.

If he is holding you in a way that cannot be done in front of other people, he needs to find a new way to hold you. Unmarried people need to keep physical interaction to what is proper to do in front of other people. The things that you cannot do in public are reserved for marriage.

He can put his arm around your shoulders, give you a hug, dance with you, hold your hand, no intimate contact.

 

[whatevergirl]

You know, have you ever watched the Duggar show, the show with the couple that has 17 kids, jellie? It is really good, and while I don’t agree with everything these parents teach, I think the morality of their older kids is a beautiful example of how one should act before marriage. Their son is now engaged, and he and his fiancee are saving their FIRST kiss for their wedding day. They also have a chaperone (like another couple to double date with, to watch out for each other, etc) on every date. I thought this was a bit archaic at first, but you know, it can help with situations like you find yourself in now. Maybe agree to double date, etc…for now. It is not your place to satisfy your bf. I think you intended a different title than that–lol. But, you can encourage good behavior in one another, by CHOOSING TO not be alone together…choosing to do things that don’t isolate you from others, and put you in tempting spots.

If your bf is unwilling to do this, but continues to tell you of his struggles…letting him go might be a better thing. If you both want to avoid temptation…then, you do just that. You avoid it. Good luck and God bless!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

He can put his arm around your shoulders, give you a hug, dance with you, hold your hand, no intimate contact.

But even those “innocent” activities may be providing too much temptation for him right now. It is ok to not have any physical contact if that is what he needs in order to remain chaste right now (in deed and in his heart).

 

[jellie89]

I think the problem with that is me not him. He’s already sort of doing that. We don’t spend as much time together because he doesn’t want to be tempted, and his “complaining” is more of explaining to me why he cant give me more.

What I want isn’t bad. I love cuddling, also (kinda random) I want to just take a nap with him. I think falling alseep in his arms would be awesome

 

[whatevergirl]

I think the problem with that is me not him. He’s already sort of doing that. We don’t spend as much time together because he doesn’t want to be tempted, and his “complaining” is more of explaining to me why he cant give me more.

What I want isn’t bad. I love cuddling, also (kinda random) I want to just take a nap with him. I think falling alseep in his arms would be awesome

But your body and his body, interpret certain things very differently, at your ages, especially. If he would be tempted to sin, by taking a nap with you…then, you need to stay awake. lol

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I think the problem with that is me not him. He’s already sort of doing that. We don’t spend as much time together because he doesn’t want to be tempted, and his “complaining” is more of explaining to me why he cant give me more.

What I want isn’t bad. I love cuddling, also (kinda random) I want to just take a nap with him. I think falling alseep in his arms would be awesome

Well, like I said before, this is the time to practice and get used to sacrificial love. Doing what is best for your boyfriend in preparation for doing what is best for your husband…before yourself, always. That is the only way to be a good spouse. The minute we get selfish and start imagining and justifying that our needs are “more important” (not saying this about YOU, just in general terms) is the minute we start tearing at the fabric of our relationship. Do it enough times and you will have a hard time repairing the damage.

As for “napping” together…not sure how the others here feel about that, but I would definitely not want my daughter doing something that intimate before marriage…planned anyways. Falling asleep while watching a movie with other friends and or family around is a different story.
**
Being chaste is not just about sex. It is about having and respecting boundaries and reserving intimacy (of all kinds) for marriage. **