How do I keep myself sane with my family?

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DarkLight

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So I ended up having to move back in with my parents due to job issues and dealing with medical problems. I’m working slowly on moving out, but saving up money and trying to find a job that will support an independent lifestyle while being safe for my health is…challenging.

Anyway, there’s a lot of tension between mom and dad right now. Dad’s been diagnosed both with a serious mental illness and some (related) hormone problems. It’s definitely causing issues at home. That by itself is hard, when it seems like there’s constant arguing and tension in the home. But the big issue for me is that my mother is increasingly turning to me for sympathy and comfort. It’s getting very overwhelming for me, and she hasn’t responded very well to requests from me to limit the amount that gets dumped on my shoulders. It’s also hard because she wants a sympathetic ear while she rants about how she’s been wronged, and I don’t always feel like what she says is entirely accurate (for example, I think she has a bad case of “what he said vs. what she meant”), but I also don’t feel that it’s productive for me to disagree with her.

How do I keep myself sane and able to get my own work done in this situation? Keep in mind I don’t have a car, so any trip outside the house is going to be about an hour each way.
 
If you have to be there, and there really isn’t any other way, you can take walks when things are just too much. Then, you can also practice detachment. You don’t even have to leave the room in order to detach from what is going on there.
 
Are you living at your parents house for your benefit or their’s? If it’s for your benefit, and it’s not working, consider moving out. It doesn’t sound like a healthy environment.
 
1Lord1Faith said:
Are you living at your parents house for your benefit or their’s? If it’s for your benefit, and it’s not working, consider moving out. It doesn’t sound like a healthy environment.
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That’s the thing - moving out requires a better job, and savings which keep getting eaten up by my health problems. I’m working towards that, sure, but that’s looking like a months to a year or more process to do that in any sane sort of way. The job I have right now just isn’t enough to support me in actually renting a place to live around here. What I’m looking for right now is how to keep my sanity (and enough energy to be doing my job, looking for other jobs, and finishing my education all at once) for the meantime.
 
ClearWater said:
There are also support groups for families with a member with mental illness such as NAMI. nami.org/
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The big trouble is that right now my mother is going to the only decent-looking local support group. Which is good for her, but means it’s not really a safe space for me to open up about my issues. Also most everything is in the evening, when I have no transportation.
 
DarkLight said:
That’s the thing - moving out requires a better job, and savings which keep getting eaten up by my health problems. I’m working towards that, sure, but that’s looking like a months to a year or more process to do that in any sane sort of way. The job I have right now just isn’t enough to support me in actually renting a place to live around here. What I’m looking for right now is how to keep my sanity (and enough energy to be doing my job, looking for other jobs, and finishing my education all at once) for the meantime.
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Is it feasible for you to rent an apartment with a roommate?
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
Is it feasible for you to rent an apartment with a roommate?
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Even then, a part-time job at 10 bucks an hour isn’t going to cut it around here. And with my health and lack of a car it’s not going to really be feasible to work multiple part-time jobs, but full-time work seems to be thin on the ground.
 
DarkLight said:
Even then, a part-time job at 10 bucks an hour isn’t going to cut it around here. And with my health and lack of a car it’s not going to really be feasible to work multiple part-time jobs, but full-time work seems to be thin on the ground.
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Then, I guess figure out ways to detach. You can always leave the room when things get tense between your parents. Call your friends, take a walk, etc.
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
Then, I guess figure out ways to detach. You can always leave the room when things get tense between your parents. Call your friends, take a walk, etc.
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The big difficulty is dealing with my mother ranting at me. She comes up to my room (even if I’ve closed the door) and starts going on and ranting at me, often for quite some time. And she pretty much ignores any indications that it’s getting too much and she needs to stop. But I can’t walk off while she’s talking. It’s especially bad in the mornings when I’m trying to get ready for work, or in the evenings when I’m trying to get away and go to bed.
 
DarkLight said:
The big difficulty is dealing with my mother ranting at me. She comes up to my room (even if I’ve closed the door) and starts going on and ranting at me, often for quite some time. And she pretty much ignores any indications that it’s getting too much and she needs to stop. But I can’t walk off while she’s talking. It’s especially bad in the mornings when I’m trying to get ready for work, or in the evenings when I’m trying to get away and go to bed.
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Is your mom looking for advice or just looking to vent? Perhaps if she is just looking to vent, every so often you can say “uh huh,” “I see,” etc. Try not to internalize her venting, which I’m sure is easier said than done.
 
I’m sorry for the chaos of your current living situation.
I like the idea of going for a walk when trying to de-stress, as others have mentioned.
Is it possible to be honest with your mom? Can you say something such as,
“Mom, I love you and I love Dad. It really stresses me out when I have to listen to negative things about Dad. From now on, you two need to figure things out. I don’t want be in the middle anymore.” Then duck or run if necessary!!! 😉 Just kidding about that part!In all seriousness, it sounds like you need to level with her in a respectful, but firm way. I will pray for you! God bless you! 🙂
 
Does your mother have friends who you can get her to spend more time with?
 
Ranting must be also hard on your father. Here is my suggestion. When your mother comes into your room ask her to pray the rosary with you. It will calm both of you. Even if she does not wish to pray with you…fall to your knees and pray the rosary. She will either join in or leave your room. It is the only thing I can think of. Peace and prayers for all of you.
 
You could get some headphones or earbuds and wear them during those times when you need to concentrate and you think she may enter your room to talk. Get some relaxation or motivational tapes* to listen to and tell her that you are doing this so if she sees you with those on she knows not to talk and that you can’t hear her if she does.

This would have two advantages. First, the obvious, it gives you a zone of privacy in a situation where you have very little. Second, the tapes themselves might be helpful to you if you find good ones that address issues you are dealing with. Or just listen to music if you don’t think you would be into that. (I always wear earbuds on planes or in other places where I don’t feel like talking. Sometimes I do it without even having any music on.)
  • I realize “tapes” is probably an archaic term but I wasn’t sure what word to use. I guess “downloads” but motivational downloads sounds weird. 😛
Best of luck.
 
Songcatcher said:
You could get some headphones or earbuds and wear them during those times when you need to concentrate and you think she may enter your room to talk. Get some relaxation or motivational tapes* to listen to and tell her that you are doing this so if she sees you with those on she knows not to talk and that you can’t hear her if she does.

This would have two advantages. First, the obvious, it gives you a zone of privacy in a situation where you have very little. Second, the tapes themselves might be helpful to you if you find good ones that address issues you are dealing with. Or just listen to music if you don’t think you would be into that. (I always wear earbuds on planes or in other places where I don’t feel like talking. Sometimes I do it without even having any music on.)
  • I realize “tapes” is probably an archaic term but I wasn’t sure what word to use. I guess “downloads” but motivational downloads sounds weird. 😛
Best of luck.
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the term would be MP3s
 
Headphones, sadly, don’t work - she just comes in an expects me to take them off. Plus the biggest two problem times are times where it’s not practical for me to walk off or be listening to music or anything.
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
Is your mom looking for advice or just looking to vent? Perhaps if she is just looking to vent, every so often you can say “uh huh,” “I see,” etc. Try not to internalize her venting, which I’m sure is easier said than done.
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It’s a bit of both.
Franciscan_Way said:
I’m sorry for the chaos of your current living situation.
I like the idea of going for a walk when trying to de-stress, as others have mentioned.
Is it possible to be honest with your mom? Can you say something such as,
“Mom, I love you and I love Dad. It really stresses me out when I have to listen to negative things about Dad. From now on, you two need to figure things out. I don’t want be in the middle anymore.” Then duck or run if necessary!!! 😉 Just kidding about that part!In all seriousness, it sounds like you need to level with her in a respectful, but firm way. I will pray for you! God bless you! 🙂
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She hasn’t responded positively to me saying I’m overwhelmed by this, honestly. She tends to respond to me saying I’m overwhelmed by going on about how overwhelmed she is and how she never gets a break and whatnot, and how if I’m staying with them the least I can do is listen to her.
Joie_de_Vivre said:
Does your mother have friends who you can get her to spend more time with?
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No, they moved to the area four years ago for dad’s job and neither of them have really made friends in this area.
Mary_Estelle said:
Ranting must be also hard on your father. Here is my suggestion. When your mother comes into your room ask her to pray the rosary with you. It will calm both of you. Even if she does not wish to pray with you…fall to your knees and pray the rosary. She will either join in or leave your room. It is the only thing I can think of. Peace and prayers for all of you.
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My mother is not Catholic.
 
DarkLight said:
It’s a bit of both.

She hasn’t responded positively to me saying I’m overwhelmed by this, honestly. She tends to respond to me saying I’m overwhelmed by going on about how overwhelmed she is and how she never gets a break and whatnot, and how if I’m staying with them the least I can do is listen to her.

No, they moved to the area four years ago for dad’s job and neither of them have really made friends in this area.

My mother is not Catholic.
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All the more reason to pray the rosary or other prayers in her presence-and for her.
 
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