Ani Ibi:
This question truly needs to be heard by a spiritual director. It is not something which can be responsibly undertaken over the internet. It is a very personal question with all sorts of variables, some of which can be serious.
Phone the Church office tomorrow morning and ask to speak to a priest, preferably the priest who attends the RCIA meetings. Explain that you are having some doubts and would really like to be clear before making your conversion. Being clear is fair. We are not in the business of forcing people to convert.
That being said, what are your doubts? If they are doubts only about doctrine then I am sure some of us can steer you to some relevant websites or even answer some questions ourselves. Keep in mind though that doubt has many dimensions and is not about information only. Doubt is also about one’s spiritual condition and thus really needs the care of someone who sees you in person.
Don’t worry too much. God loves you.
Unfortunately sometimes the doubts are very deep. I was raised as an atheist and was essentially brainwashed by the secular culture. Most of the time I am okay, but sometimes the conditioning of my childhood comes back.
I have read a lot of philosophical arguments about the existence of a higher being, and I definitely believe that there is a God who has free will, moral character etc.
I’m also very painfully aware of the fact that most of us break this moral code.
I’ve read historical things about Jesus and believe that He existed. I’ve read arguments that the Ressurection really did happen, and they are convincing. But sometimes I doubt because sometimes it seems very unbelievable that God would become man and live among human beings and die for us.
On the other hand I also see that since God is good and loves us, it would make sense for Him to find a way to redeem us from our fallen-ness. And also it would make sense for Him to reach out to us because we definitely need Him.
I’ve read a bit about other religions, and Christianity seems to be unique insofar as it’s God reaching out to man. (I’d like more confirmation of this since I don’t know the other religions that well.) I’ve read about how well preserved the books of the Old Testament are, and how there are many prophecies of Jesus which are fulfilled by Him in the New Testament.
This is my main problem… once I am sure that Jesus is God, I have absolutely no problem believing that all Catholic teaching is true. But sometimes I’ll doubt whether Jesus really was who He claimed to be, or if He was at all. I suppose most of this doubt is because of how extraordinary His claim is. If a man came up to me right now and made those claims, I would have wanted some serious proof!
The early Christians got a lot of proof in the form of miracles, but I have not been so lucky! It would really help if there were more studies about miracles like Fatima, incorruptible bodies of saints, bleeding statues etc.
At the same time, I really, really, really want to be Catholic. There is such an overwhelming feeling of “this is right” when I think about Catholic teaching! I feel very safe when I am in Church. It seems to be the only source of stability in the world. The more I learn about the world, the more I appreciate how overwhelmingly right and stable Catholic teaching is. It seems that society just swings from one extreme, to another, to another, and the Church is constant and GOOD.
I want to become Catholic as soon as possible so that I could go to Confession. But I don’t want to rush it, and would rather wait longer and study than become Catholic “just in case.”
