How do I love my Dad again?

[Skyhighblue34]

I’ve become desensitized to my Dad. Every time I’m alone with him talking, I just go through the motions responding to what he is talking about and I have no feelings but annoyance/impatience. He is a hot headed kind of guy who is very prideful, with ADHD, so most conversations with him are one-sided. Like if I try to get a word in, he’ll talk over me often. He always has to be right, and is a realist. Also, he likes to make cheesy jokes that I used to think were so funny when I was little, but not now… I just force myself to laugh at them. Before I took my faith seriously, I wouldn’t have tried to fix this problem and left it be as I didn’t really care. But now I want to care more, be more forgiving, more patient, more loving, etc. It’s very hard though, whenever I’m around him I just slip into how I usually act around him, its almost like I have no control over it. When I get away from him though, I feel like I care about him more. Do you guys have any advice?

 

[smichhertz]

Hi Skyhighblue,

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. A good relationship with a father is a true blessing, and it’s always sad when there are troubles.

I suppose it’s best to start with the basics: Have you tried talking to him about this?

 

[tawny]

I’ve become desensitized to my Dad. Every time I’m alone with him talking, I just go through the motions responding to what he is talking about and I have no feelings but annoyance/impatience. He is a hot headed kind of guy who is very prideful, with ADHD, so most conversations with him are one-sided. Like if I try to get a word in, he’ll talk over me often. He always has to be right, and is a realist. Also, he likes to make cheesy jokes that I used to think were so funny when I was little, but not now… I just force myself to laugh at them. Before I took my faith seriously, I wouldn’t have tried to fix this problem and left it be as I didn’t really care. But now I want to care more, be more forgiving, more patient, more loving, etc. It’s very hard though, whenever I’m around him I just slip into how I usually act around him, its almost like I have no control over it. When I get away from him though, I feel like I care about him more. Do you guys have any advice?

I’m so sorry for the situation with your father. You can begin the road back to loving & caring for him by praying for him. Be patient & tolerant because of his impairment. I understand it must be hard for you; but it maybe just as hard for him. I’ll be praying for you & your Dad. God bless.

 

[crystal_waters]

Does your father know you feel this way?..

You never mentioned your age…teens and young adults often go through period of finding parents annoying…

Also i once read somewhere that the things we find annoying or dislike about other people is usually things we deep down dislike about ourselves…

Whatever you do dont blow up at your dad just for telling cheesy jokes or not letting you get a word in edgeways…you’ll hurt him and you will end up feeling bad and damaging your relationship with your dad…

 

[chefmomster2]

I’ve become desensitized to my Dad. Every time I’m alone with him talking, I just go through the motions responding to what he is talking about and I have no feelings but annoyance/impatience. He is a hot headed kind of guy who is very prideful, with ADHD, so most conversations with him are one-sided. Like if I try to get a word in, he’ll talk over me often. He always has to be right, and is a realist. Also, he likes to make cheesy jokes that I used to think were so funny when I was little, but not now… I just force myself to laugh at them. Before I took my faith seriously, I wouldn’t have tried to fix this problem and left it be as I didn’t really care. But now I want to care more, be more forgiving, more patient, more loving, etc. It’s very hard though, whenever I’m around him I just slip into how I usually act around him, its almost like I have no control over it. When I get away from him though, I feel like I care about him more. Do you guys have any advice?

In many ways you could be talking anout my dad. I have certainly had many of the feelings you describe. It is still a work in progress, but this is what I am doing and it seems to be helping.

—I just plain let him be right! “Right fighting” leads to disintegration of the relationship. Nothing is worth that. Just let him talk. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.

—I pray for him. Every day. Sometimes while he’s talking to me (if he shuts me out of the conversation). It helps to soften your heart. It has mine.

—I keep going through the motions! My objective is NOT to change his beliefs. It is to maintain a relationship. I listen politely. I resist the urge to correct him even if I feel he is wrong.

—I try to see in him the face of Jesus, to care for him with the compassion I would have shown Christ if He were laid in my arms after being removed from the Cross.

—I pray for strength, patience, and charity.

—I find commonalities to discuss. The baseball game, his favorite memories of me as a kid, what he is proudest of. (He will some day forget the old stories and you will wish you had asked.)

—I plan activities instead of times to chat- dining out, fishing, mini-golf, walking… It’s a great distraction.

I hope this helps. I know we can do it!

 

[Xantippe]

A lot depends on your age. If you’re a teenager or very young adult, he may get less annoying as you achieve independence and a space of your own. My response below is on the assumption that you are an independent young adult.

skyhighblue34 said:

“I’ve become desensitized to my Dad. Every time I’m alone with him talking, I just go through the motions responding to what he is talking about and I have no feelings but annoyance/impatience. He is a hot headed kind of guy who is very prideful, with ADHD, so most conversations with him are one-sided. Like if I try to get a word in, he’ll talk over me often. He always has to be right, and is a realist.”

I suspect that “realist” is the wrong word here. You mean “cynic,” don’t you? That’s different.

“Also, he likes to make cheesy jokes that I used to think were so funny when I was little, but not now… I just force myself to laugh at them.”

Don’t. If you’re laughing and encouraging him, you are part of your problem. You are teaching him to bore you.

Be attentive when your dad is being interesting to you and be less responsive when he is walking over you, annoying you, or boring you.

ohsu.edu/xd/outreach/occyshn/training-education/upload/selective-attention-strategic-ignoring.pdf

Best wishes!

 

[PietroPaolo]

Simple. Choose to. Love is an act of will, not an emotional state. We can’t control the way we feel towards people, and we needn’t try to, but we can choose to make an act of will and love someone. The best definition of love I’ve encountered is “willing the good of the other as other.” So, will the good of your father, not for any benefit you might derive, but as other, for his good. Once you do that, you are loving him.

 

[Skyhighblue34]

Does your father know you feel this way?..

You never mentioned your age…teens and young adults often go through period of finding parents annoying…

Also i once read somewhere that the things we find annoying or dislike about other people is usually things we deep down dislike about ourselves…

Whatever you do dont blow up at your dad just for telling cheesy jokes or not letting you get a word in edgeways…you’ll hurt him and you will end up feeling bad and damaging your relationship with your dad…

I’m 19.

 

[Skyhighblue34]

I suspect that “realist” is the wrong word here. You mean “cynic,” don’t you? That’s different.

No, he’s a realist all right. Like if I were to talk about my dreams, he would take a very realist stance on it. But by taking a realist stance, he makes my dreams sounds hard to achieve.

 

[Skyhighblue34]

In many ways you could be talking anout my dad. I have certainly had many of the feelings you describe. It is still a work in progress, but this is what I am doing and it seems to be helping.

—I just plain let him be right! “Right fighting” leads to disintegration of the relationship. Nothing is worth that. Just let him talk. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.

—I pray for him. Every day. Sometimes while he’s talking to me (if he shuts me out of the conversation). It helps to soften your heart. It has mine.

—I keep going through the motions! My objective is NOT to change his beliefs. It is to maintain a relationship. I listen politely. I resist the urge to correct him even if I feel he is wrong.

—I try to see in him the face of Jesus, to care for him with the compassion I would have shown Christ if He were laid in my arms after being removed from the Cross.

—I pray for strength, patience, and charity.

—I find commonalities to discuss. The baseball game, his favorite memories of me as a kid, what he is proudest of. (He will some day forget the old stories and you will wish you had asked.)

—I plan activities instead of times to chat- dining out, fishing, mini-golf, walking… It’s a great distraction.

I hope this helps. I know we can do it!

I find your response to be really helpful! I will try some of these things. It’s nice to know there is someone with a similar situation.

 

[Skyhighblue34]

Some of you seem to think that I will blow up or hurt my Dad in some way. I’ve distance myself from him to the point where it feels like there is no relationship. Also to the people that say I should just let him be right all the time, I do. I don’t argue or fight back, I let it go because it’s pointless to argue with him. To the person who says that love is a choice, I’d love it if I could just do that, but he always manages to make me feel a certain way, it feels like I’m powerless against these feelings.

 

[Xantippe]

skyhighblue34 said:

“But by taking a realist stance, he makes my dreams sounds hard to achieve.”

I’m sure they are probably hard to achieve, if they’re worthwhile at all. If if was easy, everybody would do it.

I feel like at your age, you’re kind of in the middle. You’re not a little kid, but you’re not a full-fledged adult either.

Are you male or female? There’s a new term around the internet called “mansplaining,” which is when men hold forth and explain stuff to women that the women already understand. Even if you’re male, your dad may still be doing this–some middle-aged guys just love to hear themselves talk. My dad has a bit of a case–once he’s read a new book, nothing will stop him from summarizing the whole thing to whoever he can manage to corner. (There are chatty women, but it’s rare that you’ll find a woman holding forth as an expert on all possible topics.)

It may help just a little if you can see that your dad is not the only person of his age and sex who does this.

 

[FrenzyJen]

I am in the exact situation that you describe. He just talks at me. I can’t converse with him, because he has no interest to hear, only to talk.

I just nod, and keep my responses short. I can be respectful but I don’t have to be best friends with him.

 

[FrenzyJen]

Xantippe I’m so glad that you pointed out that there’s a word for it!! Haa!! That’s exactly what it is. I did a quick google. I thought I was the only one who noticed it. The internet is a beautiful thing sometimes.

 

[chefmomster2]

Some of you seem to think that I will blow up or hurt my Dad in some way. I’ve distance myself from him to the point where it feels like there is no relationship. Also to the people that say I should just let him be right all the time, I do. I don’t argue or fight back, I let it go because it’s pointless to argue with him. To the person who says that love is a choice, I’d love it if I could just do that, but he always manages to make me feel a certain way, it feels like I’m powerless against these feelings.

I didn’t think you would be violent based on anything you said. You sound frustrated and sad. Your message to me was: I want a better relationship. How can I do it?

You are right about the pointlessness of arguing. Neither of you will change the other’s mind!

I will take exception to your statement that you can’t choose to love your dad because he “makes you feel” a certain way and that you are powerless over that. In fact I disagree ENTIRELY!

Our feelings are, by and large, a result of the messages we tell ourselves. For example, I drop a glass and it shatters all over the floor.

Thought A: I am soooo stupid and clumsy! Why do I always mess up!
Thought B: Oh well! I guess I’ll just clean it up. I can always get another glass.

Can you see how your feelings would be different based on these inner messages?

Another example: A man and his wife are driving down the road when they pull up to stop for an approaching car. To their horror they see a little old man in his old jalopy driving down the railroad tracks headed straight for the train! The couple jump out of their car and race to him. They pull him out of his car and get off the rail bed just in time!

The man starts screaming at them! What do you mean pulling me out of my car? Are you carjackers? How dare you?

SITUATION: Train traveling towards crossing.

Man and Woman: Oh my! There is a train! He’ll be killed!
Feelings: Fear, Anxiety, Love, Responsibility

Man: Nice day for a drive! Hey! Look at that train! I sure love to watch them!
Feelings: Calm, Relaxed, Confused

The situation was the same for all of them. But the old man, due to dementia, told himself a different message about the event and his feelings followed his thoughts. Afterwards the couple was relieved and a bit proud that they saved the man, but he was FURIOUS? He wanted to see that train!

NOTE: True story! One of the founders of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy had this experience. I think it was Beck, but idk.

Listen to your inner voices. What are you saying to yourself?
—Oh no! Not another joke. They’re so cheesy and irritating!
—There he goes again thinking he’s always right. How can he be so arrogant! What a pain!
—Well, he just shot me down again. He just doesn’t care about me!

What if you told yourself:
—He so loves telling those silly jokes. I guess it makes him happy.
—He sure has strong feelings about that. I guess he just wants someone to listen
—He doesn’t know what I need. I wish we understood each other better.

I GUARANTEE IT WORKS! You CAN control your emotions to some degree in situations like the ones you describe. It takes time and practice, but eventually telling yourself positive or neutral messages does change your perception and thereby your feelings.

 

[Skyhighblue34]

skyhighblue34 said:

“But by taking a realist stance, he makes my dreams sounds hard to achieve.”

I’m sure they are probably hard to achieve, if they’re worthwhile at all. If if was easy, everybody would do it.

I feel like at your age, you’re kind of in the middle. You’re not a little kid, but you’re not a full-fledged adult either.

Are you male or female? There’s a new term around the internet called “mansplaining,” which is when men hold forth and explain stuff to women that the women already understand. Even if you’re male, your dad may still be doing this–some middle-aged guys just love to hear themselves talk. My dad has a bit of a case–once he’s read a new book, nothing will stop him from summarizing the whole thing to whoever he can manage to corner. (There are chatty women, but it’s rare that you’ll find a woman holding forth as an expert on all possible topics.)

It may help just a little if you can see that your dad is not the only person of his age and sex who does this.

I’m a guy.

 

[Skyhighblue34]

I didn’t think you would be violent based on anything you said. You sound frustrated and sad. Your message to me was: I want a better relationship. How can I do it?

You are right about the pointlessness of arguing. Neither of you will change the other’s mind!

I will take exception to your statement that you can’t choose to love your dad because he “makes you feel” a certain way and that you are powerless over that. In fact I disagree ENTIRELY!

Our feelings are, by and large, a result of the messages we tell ourselves. For example, I drop a glass and it shatters all over the floor.

Thought A: I am soooo stupid and clumsy! Why do I always mess up!
Thought B: Oh well! I guess I’ll just clean it up. I can always get another glass.

Can you see how your feelings would be different based on these inner messages?

Another example: A man and his wife are driving down the road when they pull up to stop for an approaching car. To their horror they see a little old man in his old jalopy driving down the railroad tracks headed straight for the train! The couple jump out of their car and race to him. They pull him out of his car and get off the rail bed just in time!

The man starts screaming at them! What do you mean pulling me out of my car? Are you carjackers? How dare you?

SITUATION: Train traveling towards crossing.

Man and Woman: Oh my! There is a train! He’ll be killed!
Feelings: Fear, Anxiety, Love, Responsibility

Man: Nice day for a drive! Hey! Look at that train! I sure love to watch them!
Feelings: Calm, Relaxed, Confused

The situation was the same for all of them. But the old man, due to dementia, told himself a different message about the event and his feelings followed his thoughts. Afterwards the couple was relieved and a bit proud that they saved the man, but he was FURIOUS? He wanted to see that train!

NOTE: True story! One of the founders of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy had this experience. I think it was Beck, but idk.

Listen to your inner voices. What are you saying to yourself?
—Oh no! Not another joke. They’re so cheesy and irritating!
—There he goes again thinking he’s always right. How can he be so arrogant! What a pain!
—Well, he just shot me down again. He just doesn’t care about me!

What if you told yourself:
—He so loves telling those silly jokes. I guess it makes him happy.
—He sure has strong feelings about that. I guess he just wants someone to listen
—He doesn’t know what I need. I wish we understood each other better.

I GUARANTEE IT WORKS! You CAN control your emotions to some degree in situations like the ones you describe. It takes time and practice, but eventually telling yourself positive or neutral messages does change your perception and thereby your feelings.

I get what your saying. The degree to which you explained your point gave me a good chuckle I don’t know though, it just feels like I have years of resentment behind all this, that its not just a matter of controlling the feelings but that there’s something more.

 

[Skyhighblue34]

But you are powerless against your feelings, that is the point. We cannot control our emotions, life would be so different if we could make ourselves FEEL love! Other times it would be wonderful if we could rid ourselves of anger or other feelings. However that is not possible, emotions are primal, they are a reaction to something. What we can control are our actions and that is where the saying “love is a choice” comes from. True love is an act of the will. True love is showing kindness to someone even though you don’t “feel” like it. You are waiting for feelings of love to come for your father again, and those feelings may return one day. In the meantime you ARE loving your father! You ARE loving him by being kind, by obeying the commandments, by honoring him and by showing him respect. Hope this helps a little, God bless you.

So what your saying is that I should just act kind, loving, and patient? But would that apply in having a relationship with somebody? It doesn’t seem like much of a relationship if you are forcing yourself to act in this way. I definitely know what you mean though, I try to do that around people I don’t like other than my dad. It just seems more difficult to do that around family. I can try though and see what happens, it just won’t be very natural. Even at times where I force myself to act the way you described, my face often betrays my real emotions…

 

[Xantippe]

skyhighblue34 said:

“Even at times where I force myself to act the way you described, my face often betrays my real emotions…”

It sounds like your dad is pretty oblivious, though.

 

[Sereta]

Is the problem actually the feelings you feel when you’re around your father-the powerlessness etc-the problem and not your father?
Do you perhaps feel resentful because you believe him?
When he “shatters your dreams” with his realism,so to speak,if you were able to not believe him,or be affected by his opinion,or grasp that he’s not infallible,would that then make the resentment go away?
Being a dreamer and being a realist and both great.
Maybe if you could get rid of/separate from the negative emotions,then you could see it more objectively that your dads realism doesn’t need to make you feel sad etc that you can’t achieve your goals but instead it could be seen as helping you achieve your goals because realism can help you to do the planning and groundwork better if that kindof makes sense.