How do I lovingly let people know that cohabitating is wrong?

[JimG]

“Mind your own business,” is often good advice. But it’s hard to do if one’s own relatives expect you to cooperate with evil for the sake of harmony.

 

[pippin]

I have a problem similar to the OP. There is a young co-habiting couple in our church who come to mass every Sunday. He is not Catholic. They both receive Communion every Sunday. We have a new priest and I don’t think he knows that the young man isn’t Catholic. They live with her parents. I know her mother wants them to get married but the father doesn’t seem to care. To make matters worse, I sponsored this young woman in Confirmation even though I don’t know her that welll. Should I say something to Father? I have been praying for them.

 

[Gullveig]

If I might weigh in as a non-Christian who has been on the receiving end of Christian morality talks, I think the religious background of the subject of your scrutiny matters. If they’re Catholic, or even just generally Christian maybe, then possibly talking to the person who is in the relationship, not their family, might be appropriate. Bring it up once if you feel you need to, and if they don’t want to talk about it, let it go. If the person is not Catholic or generally Christian, or if you don’t know about their religious affiliation, then it’s probably better to mind your own business. My religion, for instance, doesn’t forbid cohabitation or premarital sex, so if I were going to cohabitate and a Christian friend made a comment about it being immoral or wrong, I would have to explain to them that I know they think that and I appreciate their concern, but I’m not a Christian and therefore have different moral rules and ideas about how to order my life. If they kept it up or tried to talk other friends or family members into guilting me about it, we’d have a major problem.

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

Please, please, please say something to Father. You don’t want to be complicit in the sin of sacrilege - of receiving Our Lord unworthily.

This is very a very depressing situation, as I see it.

I have a problem similar to the OP. There is a young co-habiting couple in our church who come to mass every Sunday. He is not Catholic. They both receive Communion every Sunday. We have a new priest and I don’t think he knows that the young man isn’t Catholic. They live with her parents. I know her mother wants them to get married but the father doesn’t seem to care. To make matters worse, I sponsored this young woman in Confirmation even though I don’t know her that welll. Should I say something to Father? I have been praying for them.

 

[MJJean]

I feel your pain. It sounds like you were talking to the wrong people anyway. You should discuss this with the person commiting the sin, not his father and brother. One the other hand, I got zapped this past weekend while visiting my husband’s family. Everyone was going on about his cousin’s live-in girlfriend of five years getting pregnant. (As if she did it herself with no help whatsoever.) Apparently, the resounding opinion of the relations is that the sneaky little slut did this on purpose to “trick him” into staying with her.
After hearing a third person state this sentiment, I pointed out that it was my understanding was that he had been “tricking her” for the better part of five years and if he’d paid attention in health class he’d know where babies come from. I got some glares, though fortunately the subject changed quickly and no arguement ensued. It’s hard to know when to say something.

I got a chuckle out of that. I know it’s a serious situation, but it just makes me laugh when two people make the decision to live together and have sex, there is a pregnancy, and somehow it’s all the girl’s fault and she must have done it to trap the man. It’s like “Hey, let me give you a pro tip. No man was ever tricked into fatherhood. If he knows that sex makes babies and he is having sex…well, then, he knew it could happen and is just as much “at fault” as the woman involved.”

As for the cohabitation lecture, I feel the pain, too. I have a brother, Atheist, who is living with his GF of about 6 years. They have 3 kids. The kids are ages 4, 3, and 2. I have mentioned I think they should get married a few times. Because he is Atheist, I do not bother mentioning Church teachings, especially since I was trying to get him to marry the girl before I started to convert. I talked about the legal and financial protections marriage would offer her and the kids, especially should he die unexpectedly.

So far, nada. Still unmarried. The kicker? He’s not sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with her because she isn’t very smart. Well, yeah, but she is a good person with a big heart and she is a hard worker and she is loving and devoted to him. Besides, where does he think he’s going? They’re bound together by 3 kids!

I don’t mention it much anymore. I don’t want to damage my relationship with my brother and I am not much for banging my head against a brick wall, anyways.

And that is how I handle other people, too. I mention it, try to give them something logical to think about, hope a seed has been planted, and let it go.

 

[crenfro]

Hello Gullveig.

Appreciate your comments.

As I understand things though, fornication → living together–> is against the natural law, not just the Catholic faith, though invincible ignorance needs to be taken into account.

And thank you for reminding me to tend to my own conscience. God bless you. Please pray for me.

My religion, for instance, doesn’t forbid cohabitation or premarital sex, so if I were going to cohabitate and a Christian friend made a comment about it being immoral or wrong, I would have to explain to them that I know they think that and I appreciate their concern, but I’m not a Christian and therefore have different moral rules and ideas about how to order my life.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

To make matters worse, I sponsored this young woman in Confirmation even though I don’t know her that welll. Should I say something to Father? I have been praying for them.

Yes. This woman is not some stranger that you have heard rumours about, but you are her Confirmation sponsor. If you know for a fact that he guy is not Catholic, the priest should hear about it. This is serious stuff, and the non-Catholic will benefit from not committing such sacrilege on a regular basis. Not sure about the co-habiting aspect of it.

 

[smitchell]

As this is posted under the topic of evangelization, I will offer a few comments from that bent. When St. Paul went into a pagan town he didn’t start by telling them to stop having sex outside of marriage, or stop visiting temple prostitutes. St. Paul preached Jesus to them. “I preach Jesus and him crucified.”

If people aren’t in a relationship with God, why would they care about sin, they don’t.

I find the best approach with people is to introduce them, invite them into a relationship with Jesus. Once people respond to Trinitarian love in Jesus, then the Holy Spirit will will begin to convict people of their sin.

Someone posted something on “Fraternal Correction.” There are no fraternal bonds with people that are not “brothers or sisters” in Christ. I focus on leading people to Jesus and when they enter into relationship with him, they become my brother or sister and I have a fraternal connection to speak from.

Evangelize them, share the love of God for them in Jesus Christ. Once they encounter Jesus and “drop their nets,” they will be interested in what the Church teaches and why.

I find this to be a much less confrontational exchange and in the end can further your relationship with them. Everyone needs to know how much God loves them and wants a relationship with them. This approach keeps them open for further discussion versus run away from you the next time they see you. It is truth you are sharing with them, you are just starting from a different point, the rest will come in due time. Meet them and love them where they are at. Once they experience the mercy of God, like the woman caught in adultery, then we can say like Jesus, “go, and sin no more.”

I hope this is helpful.

 

[Galbin]

I feel your pain. It sounds like you were talking to the wrong people anyway. You should discuss this with the person commiting the sin, not his father and brother. One the other hand, I got zapped this past weekend while visiting my husband’s family. Everyone was going on about his cousin’s live-in girlfriend of five years getting pregnant. (As if she did it herself with no help whatsoever.) Apparently, the resounding opinion of the relations is that the sneaky little slut did this on purpose to “trick him” into staying with her.
After hearing a third person state this sentiment, I pointed out that it was my understanding was that he had been “tricking her” for the better part of five years and if he’d paid attention in health class he’d know where babies come from. I got some glares, though fortunately the subject changed quickly and no arguement ensued. It’s hard to know when to say something.

Poor girl.

Things have now gone the opposite way, and it seems to me that ppl are often pressured into feeling like they should be living together before marriage. On a purely practical level I don’t think living together makes sense. I am not even referring to sex either. I just think that it’s an easy option, and it results in so many people ‘playing house’ and thinking there is a definite future until their bf/gf turns around and tells them they don’t want to get married ever. Of course, many people are lucky enough to have it all work out, but it doesn’t for many. I know soooo many women who moved in with their bf and have since been waiting for years for the proposals. I think living together before marriage simply sells yourself short. If a person really loves you then one day they will want to marry you. So why risk putting even more of an emotional investment into the relationship by living together before being married?

I know many people think it strange that I didn’t live with my boyfriend before marriage. I’m glad I didn’t though. I’m worth more than ending up as some woman who sits around waiting for a proposal!