How do I move on?

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LifeIsHard

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My husband has been caught by me going to a strip club a couple of months ago (and it was proven that he had planned it and it was not spur of the moment as he had claimed) and texting innapropriately a female worker of ours in our business (who he fired now and she was the one who was mostly being innapropriate but he played along) but he has blown my trust and I am paranoid now when he leaves the house. Last night he went for a dance lesson but the sheet he brought home with him says the classes are on thursday not Friday so I am paranoid again but I don’t want to go accusing. I also check our cell use now online because of his texting that employee and it says while he was gone he called a salon. Why would a man call a salon? I don’t know, I am having a lot of trouble moving past this. Any advice would be appreciated.
 
Pinkyyy, is that you? I remember the salsa dancing lessons and strip-club visits, among other things, that your husband had done. I was hoping that there had been some positive change. 😦
 
yeah, I couldn’t remember my log in info and got locked out of my account a few weeks ago so I had to get a new user name and everything. Thing were going good but I think he is just not being honest about things and I feel like an investigator or something and I am sick of being paranoid all the time. Its like I am just always wondering what is going on, you know? I don’t know how to get past the paranoia
 
I would think you have to make a decision if you can live the rest of your life this way first. How can you trust someone who lies to you even after they have been caught? No wonder why you can’t trust…you have good reason.
 
Lainey63 said:
I would think you have to make a decision if you can live the rest of your life this way first. How can you trust someone who lies to you even after they have been caught? No wonder why you can’t trust…you have good reason.
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Yes, it is impossible to “get past the paranoia” when you are NOT paranoid. Paranoia indicates feelings of mistrust without reason. You have every reason not to take his word for it… you are not crazy or paranoid.

Sorry to hear that things haven’t improved, one way or the other. 😦
 
:)Thanks for writing me and sometimes I need to be reminded that I have a right to feel how I do - I want to trust him but I am too trusting. I really wish he would cut out going out but he says he won’t do anything. Well, then how about not going out? But on the other hand when we are together anymore all we do is argue so sometimes it’s better not to be together for a night or whatever.

I thought things were better after the strip club until I found a list of strip clubs in his room and then those texts to another woman. Who by the way keeps coming around and out of spite is sending pictures of her sitting in a man’s car to my friend (who she knows my friend really likes). This woman is insane. I feel like I can’t catch a break.
 
LifeIsHard said:
:)Thanks for writing me and sometimes I need to be reminded that I have a right to feel how I do - I want to trust him but I am too trusting. I really wish he would cut out going out but he says he won’t do anything. Well, then how about not going out? But on the other hand when we are together anymore all we do is argue so sometimes it’s better not to be together for a night or whatever.

I thought things were better after the strip club until I found a list of strip clubs in his room and then those texts to another woman. Who by the way keeps coming around and out of spite is sending pictures of her sitting in a man’s car to my friend (who she knows my friend really likes). This woman is insane. I feel like I can’t catch a break.
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Our situations are completely different, but I have been through a time of questioning my sanity in my first marriage. We were married at 18 and 19, neither Catholic, and he had troubles with alcoholism and drugs, among other issues. Everytime I “caught” him in a lie, I wanted to believe him and trust him to change. Once we had our baby 2 years into the marriage, I wanted to believe he would change even MORE desparately. I started letting him convince me that I was the crazy one… I could have caught him on tape, and he would still tell me that my eyes weren’t seeing properly. Living in a crazy situation can make you feel crazy… I know.

But I stepped away, demanded a separation for my child’s safety… and got to counselling. I became Catholic and learned what “marriage” really was supposed to be. I still attempted to reconcile with counselling and drug treatment for him, but it was doomed. After a painful divorce and submitting an annullment case the following year… I thought I could never be happy again. I thought God had called me to be a wife and mother, and that my vocation would never be fulfilled.

Not saying that your story is the same or should be the same as mine… but all these years later, I am happy to say my first marriage was found to be null, and I have since met and married a very faithful, devout Catholic husband. My ex’s rights were terminated due to the nature of our divorce, and my husband adopted my daughter as his own. God has blessed me with three more children, and a marriage that reflects God’s plan.

There is more to life than constantly having to defend yourself, investigate your husband, and hide from physical/emotional battery. (I remember your old thread. It is sickeningly familiar to my situation.) Our God is a God of compassion and hope. You do NOT have to stay in this… it is completely your choice.

I will pray for you again.
 
I think that you and your husband should seek marriage counseling. You might start with your parish priest, and see if he can be of help.

If your husband refuses to go to counseling, then you should go yourself, alone. If only to make some decisions about where the marriage is headed, how to protect yourself from your husband’s inappropriate behavior, etc.

This is a marriage on the rocks, and you need to take prompt, effective action before things deteriorate further. The marriage could potentially be salvaged, but only if you both seek counseling and get to the root causes of his misbehavior.

Personally, I would confiscate his cell phone so that the text messages stop. Cell phones are privilege, not a right, and he can’t be trusted to use one responsibly.

Dance lessons - Cancelled, unless he wants to take you with him and dance with you exclusively.

Same goes for any other extracurricular '“activities” until he learns to treat you with respect and get control over his hurtful actions.

I would confront him with your legitimate fears and worries, and ask him to go to counseling. If he refuses, I would go ahead to counseling myself, and seriously consider a 3 month separation.

I would personally kick him out of the house if he doesn’t agree to attend counseling. If children are involved, this is a difficult decision. But then again, what kind of role model is he to your children if he is out and about going to strip clubs and who knows what else?

Also, how do you know he’s not sleeping with these strippers and bringing home some nasty, contagious disease that could kill you?

As far as the psycho female ex-co-worker friend of his, I would tell him that in no uncertain terms he is to have absolutely no contact with her whatsoever. If needed, I would send the same message to her delivered via certified mail or verbally over the phone. If it continues, you can always consider filing a restraining order with the police for her threatening behavior.

If your husband fails to deliver the message to this ex-co-worker, then it speaks volumes about his attitude towards your marriage and his total disrespect for you. If my wife told me to stop talking to a flirtatious co-worker, I would stop in a heartbeat.
 
Perhaps he feels the strip club was not big deal “everybody else is doing it so why can’t I” kinda thing. Everybody I work with goes to strip clubs after work and when we travel together they always go to the clubs wherever we are. I know the percentage of men who go to strip clubs will be higher among oilfield trash but a lot of men just don’t consider it a big deal, so maybe he really didn’t want to hurt you.

It sounds like he doesn’t realize how faithful you are called to be as a catholic husband… I guess he thinks he can look at the menu as long as he doesn’t order. Is he Catholic? Maybe drag him out to a priest you can trust, and have the priest tell him what a horse’s arse he is being. 🙂
 
A guy going to a strip club, while it might be immoral, it doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t attracted to you. Men are much more sexually motivated by the visual, and often times that can be enough to have men make very questionable and immoral choices.

I am a guy, 29, and I do not frequent strip clubs, or engage in pornographic materials, by the way.

The texting is a much more severe problem. Your right, most hetero sexual men do NOT go to salons. You need to confront him with this, and demand that he come clean. That is not behavior that is acceptable in a marriage.

Get the trust back by verifying everything that he does! If he tells you something, make him proove it.
 
After reading your post I kept flashing back to one of our saints who herself was married to a man who “steped out on her” but she preserveered and finnaly he was won over by her faith in god.

I am not advocating that what you are going through is not very real and painfull but I am advocating that first and foremost that a seperation or divorce is a last ditch effort avoidable at all costs. I would just sit down with him and lay it all on the table with him. Set down the ground rules and then it is time for seriouse prayer by the both of you if he won’t do it then do it yourself whos to say you are not there to be the one to lead him to the lord? But first and formost the fighting and argueing have to stop. Lay it down for him and then step back to Christ refusing to argue which just gives him reason to do it. Take away that excuse.

I myself am divorced and have decided that I will stay this way in accordance with scripture. The decision is yours on how you are to handle this but remember that the choice to walk away should be wieghed with due respect on how it will effect the rest of your and your childrens lives.
 
Rascalking said:
A guy going to a strip club, while it might be immoral, it doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t attracted to you. Men are much more sexually motivated by the visual, and often times that can be enough to have men make very questionable and immoral choices. QUOTE]

No, he tells me I am fat and ugly (I am not THAT fat though) and that he wants a beautiful skinny wife (not me) all the time.

I feel like we are done - I just don’t know how to leave. I am sick of his behavior. He doesn’t put energy into our business anymore - he just makes me work all the time. Yesterday I went in at 7 in the morning. He said he would be there at 1. He calls and says he’s tired and taking a nap. At 4 I get a call that our son is sick and screaming. I have to come home and take him to the ER (my husband can’t do this for some unknown reason). Then it’s past 7 when I get home and he finally gets out of bed. Asks me to get some stuff from the grocery store and when I come back, he calls again asking for me to get something else. Then flies into a rage when I say I’m already back home and outside. He says he’s tired and doesn’t want to cook and I am good for nothing because i am lazy. He has not worked for TWO days, made nothing to eat, but I am lazy for not having dinner ready on the table. He told me then last night to take our son and leave - he wants someone young, hot, and most importantly skinny.

He freaks out all the time and then says sorry. I have no energy for him anymore. I am sick of him doing nothing and then turning on me only to apologize for it the next day when he realizes I really did pack and leave. One day I will throw the phone out my window and keep on going instead of picking up and being suckered in by him.
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LifeIsHard said:
He told me then last night to take our son and leave - he wants someone young, hot, and most importantly skinny.

He freaks out all the time
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LifeIsHard/Pinkyyy, I remember from your last thread that your husband already asked you to leave before. I will tell you what I would tell to my own sister, if she were in your situation: call the shelter for abused women, get help from them. Ask them to put you in contact with an attorney, get divorced now, and don’t ever look back. And give thanks to God that your husband didn’t want to marry you in the Church.
 
I agree. You should contact a good attorney right away and move out if you can. Do you have friends or family in other cities that could help you relocate? The longer you put this off, the harder it will be. Peace be with you; you can rebuild your life.
 
LifeisHard-

Sorry I misunderstood.

No one deserves what he has done to you. Contact a good lawyer.

God Bless.
 
I agree with the others. Contact a good lawyer. If you can’t stay with friends, find a battered women’s shelter. Take with you: money, credit card, id, extra clothes.

For your son, depending on his age: extra clothes and small toys

Your husband is abusive. You do not have to stay there. Skip counseling. Just get rid of him!
 
My advice would be to spend time with the Blessed Sacrament. The Holy Spirit will guide you. Pray continuously for your husband. I’m praying for you. 🙂
 
Your husband is a bum. Give him the ultimatum. Go see your priest. You cannot make him change. He needs to realize what he has to lose. God Bless. Be strong.
 
LifeIsHard said:
…He told me then last night to take our son and leave - he wants someone young, hot, and most importantly skinny…
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Let him have her! Take that boy and leave…like yesterday.

Run into a church and pray b/f Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.

I’m new here, so I didn’t see your other posts, but it sounds like you’ve given this “marriage” more than a solid try. He’s continuing to treat you like this b/c you’re letting him.

He needs some serious prayer but let go and let God. Think of your son…

I hope you find the peace you need. God Bless you.
 
I just saw your last post. I agree with the others, that you must seek some outside help. I am also going through a painful separation. My husband didn’t get angry in the way yours does, however. Does your husband drink? It sound like he’s hungover a lot. I’m praying for you. Be strong. The Holy Spirit will lead us both through this.
 
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