How do I overcome jealousy over my boyfriend’s previous relationship?

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christa4

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My boyfriend and I are seriously considering marriage. He has 2 children from two different women in his past and I find myself drawn towards jealousy. I have kept my virginity in tact for 28 years and I love him deeply. He is an amazing man and a very devout Catholic. I want to love him better by overcoming the jealousy I have over the fact that he has given himself physically to two other women and had children with them. My thoughts are drawn towards things like “When we get married it might be special for me but it won’t be anything new for him.” and “When I’m pregnant it won’t be anything he hasn’t experienced before.”. I understand that I am not these women and his experiences with me will not be the same and yet I feel this sadness that they are special things in life he’s already experienced with other women. I don’t hate the women in his past but I feel deeply hurt that I’m not going to be the only one who has shared intimate moments with him. How do I overcome this jealousy?
 
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I think a good place to start would be prayer. Not just to pray to overcome the jealousy you have, but also to decern if you should marry your boyfriend.

My intentions are to be helpful and I say this with charity. I think it would be wise to really consider everything before you enter into a marriage with your boyfriend. The woman he has children with will always be a part of his life, as they have children. If he has custody of his children, you will become a step mother to two children from two different homes. Thier mother’s may or may not run thier homes in a way similar to how you run yours. This could be a big added stessor in a new marriage, and it is not one that will go away.

I will pray for you tonight. It would be very difficult for me to accept if my now husband had children with another woman before we were married. I don’t know how I would have accepted that or even if I could have.
 
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Have you thought about speaking privately with a priest about this?

One difference between him having been with them vs you would be that it would be between husband and wife.
 
Thank you ZemD. We pray a daily rosary together and it helps. I’m not jealous all the time but there are moments here and there when it rears it’s ugly head. One way I think might help is to pray for the mothers of those boys and to love them as Christ loves them. We have already discussed marriage and have a very strong feeling this is what God is asking. I feel God is calling me to the sub-vocation of being a stepmom. I’m a teacher so I’m very comfortable around children and both boys have given me the thumbs up. We’re not trying to rush into anything but we’re both very sure that the other is our future spouse. Even so, we are making sure to give the relationship the proper time it needs. My little bouts of feeling jealous are a small personal flaw I need to overcome and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. Thanks for the advice!
 
I was thinking about that today actually. I will ask my confessor next time I’m go to Reconciliation! Thank you!
 
He has full custody over his oldest son so it’s highly unlikely I will ever meet that mother. The other one he has shared custody with and I completely understand needing to make the child a priority. It’s not an easy thing to deal with but he is such an amazing man and I understand that he wouldn’t be the person I fell in love with unless he had gone through those trials. God has a plan for everything. My boyfriend has even mentioned that I never have to see the other woman because the only interaction they have is to drop off and pick up the little one. Even if I do meet her one day I pray that I am filled with love as she was instrumental in helping form who he is today.
 
He wasn’t a practicing Catholic during those times. He had a re-conversion several years ago after a retreat. He wasn’t married to either one of those women. I appreciate your concern and your prayers.
 
Absolutely! In fact, he had just finished discerning whether or not God was calling him to the priesthood (He found out he was not) right before he met me. In fact, we both met shortly after having intense spiritual renewals in our faith after a retreat. I’ve learned so much about our faith from him that I didn’t know before. He is an excellent and loving father and I can honestly say that I have never been treated so well in my entire life.
 
You sound healthy and strong. It is perfectly normal to be jealous but what’s past is past. My prayers with you.
 
I am going to be the “not so nice person” here as I want you to consider several things before you get engaged and married.
  1. He will always have obligations to his children that will take precedence to you. You are third priority after his two children. Normally it should be the spouse who is first priority and children second. (The good relationship between the spouses makes the family a good place for children to be raised.)
  2. When planning holidays there are the other parents of the children to consider. Everyone wants the children for holidays, birthdays etc and there are fights in the first, second and third etc family because of this.
  3. In many countries, the biological child inherits their parent right away when that parent dies if the parent was in a second/third marriage/relationship and the child doesn’t have to wait for the step mom/dad to pass before receiving the inheritance. If there are biological children to both the dad and mom then those children have to wait until both parents have passed away. You might have to sell the house so that his children can have their inheritance according to law. Check the laws in your country/state about the rights of biological children to only one parent in the relationship.
  4. The biological moms of the children that your boyfriend was intimate with will always be in your relationship simply because of the children and his previous relationships. The jealousy you are feeling is likely to remain even if you try to bury it and it is common to feel that way.
  5. People may behave now but that is not a promise that they always will. Often when someone dies the worst sides appear even in good and solid relationships.
  6. Children often time idolises their biological parent and try to out play the step parent as a “lesser parent”. “You are not my mother and I can do what I want and I don’t have to listen to you!”. The biological moms are going to have issues in how you raise their children.
  7. Breaking up a new relationship is easier when someone has done it before. The “new mom” can’t pick up the child from school because dad has a fight with her so the child has to stay in after school activities for X extra hours instead of going home when school ended for the day.
I have taught pre school and primary school aged children for many, many years and I have seen how both children, biological parents and step parents behave. From the childish behaviour of a biological parent who doesn’t talk to the other biological parent of the child to families where it works out well. Where it works out well are very few indeed.

These are some of the things to consider before you are getting serious in continuing with the relationship with your boyfriend.
 
Thank you for your concern. I don’t agree with everything you said but you don’t know either of us personally so I understand trying to “cover the bases”. Both children have already told their father they like me a lot so it’s not something I’m worried about. Right now his children should definitely be priority and I’m totally fine with that. They should be if he is a good father. However, when we get married, as per Church teaching, the spouse becomes the priority. At least this is how both of us understand it when we discussed it. We’ve already talked about holidays and found a compromise both of us agree with. The laws you mentioned are not something either of us have to worry about. Jealousy is a flaw and can be worked on with the opposing virtue. Something I’m currently working on and the reason why I asked for assistance. If someone is able to “break us up” did we really love each other to begin with? Every marriage has it’s difficulties and no relationship comes without baggage. When you know you know. My mother was a stepmom and we are a big close knit family. My father’s previous wife had a lot of issues and yet, God had a plan. At some point you have to trust that God knows what He’s doing and surrender to His will. I’m also a teacher and have seen good and bad families. A lot of those issues stem from selfishness and immaturity.

Both he and I feel very strongly that this is what God has planned so everything will be sorted out one way or another.
 
christa4 said:
Right now his children should definitely be priority and I’m totally fine with that. They should be if he is a good father. However, when we get married, as per Church teaching, the spouse becomes the priority. At least this is how both of us understand it when we discussed it.
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This to me is worrisome. I would suggest that you discuss this with your priest as regards your boyfriend’s children. I cannot imagine a Catholic spouse insisting that he or she is the priority over a child of the couple, whether it’s a child of just one spouse from another relationship, or a child of both of them.

His children are still going to be his children after he’s married to you, and they will be your children too, and I’d expect you both to treat them in the exact same way you would treat children born to the two of you. That means they are a priority for BOTH of you. You don’t say, “Now that we’re married, I’m the priority over your son”.
 
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This boy has a non custodial mom, but he still has a mom. But you will have to end up meeting her. Birthdays, first communions, graduations, eventual weddings.
 
christa4 said:
He has full custody over his oldest son so it’s highly unlikely I will ever meet that mother. The other one he has shared custody with and I completely understand needing to make the child a priority. It’s not an easy thing to deal with but he is such an amazing man and I understand that he wouldn’t be the person I fell in love with unless he had gone through those trials. God has a plan for everything. My boyfriend has even mentioned that I never have to see the other woman because the only interaction they have is to drop off and pick up the little one. Even if I do meet her one day I pray that I am filled with love as she was instrumental in helping form who he is today.
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In all charity, this post conveys a certain level of naivety. If married to their father, of course you will be involved in the lives of these children until your dying day. Of course you will meet and have to deal with their mothers. There may be eventual grandchildren, weddings, funerals, etc., not to mention the wisdom and regrets that are a normal part aging. As these mothers age, it would not be abnormal for them to work on their relationships with their children.

I don’t know what the answers are for you. I, personally, wouldn’t marry this man until I had met both mothers and decided that I would be able to live peacefully and get along with both of them. That would require spending quite a bit of time with them to come to that conclusion.
 
christa4 said:
My thoughts are drawn towards things like “When we get married it might be special for me but it won’t be anything new for him.” and “When I’m pregnant it won’t be anything he hasn’t experienced before.”.
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Of course they will be special! He is experiencing them with you. Marriage and pregnancy is something that is always special. There isn’t a limit on the amount of special-ness to go around. Don’t view his children’s mothers as something in his past that hurts you. They have each had a part in crafting him into the man you love so much today.

Don’t shy away from meeting them. Get to know them, get to appreciate them and let them appreciate you. I would caution however, that his children do need to be “the priority”. You and your husband are a team, of course, but he (and by extension, you) are part of a team with both of his children’s mothers. You say you have discussed that you will become the priority - what does this look like to both of you? How will it work in your everyday lives? How would you both see it working in practice? I think these are good things to talk about, if you haven’t already.
 
christa4 said:
He has full custody over his oldest son so it’s highly unlikely I will ever meet that mother. The other one he has shared custody with and I completely understand needing to make the child a priority. It’s not an easy thing to deal with but he is such an amazing man and I understand that he wouldn’t be the person I fell in love with unless he had gone through those trials. God has a plan for everything. My boyfriend has even mentioned that I never have to see the other woman because the only interaction they have is to drop off and pick up the little one. Even if I do meet her one day I pray that I am filled with love as she was instrumental in helping form who he is today.
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This is very naive. As others have said, these women will always be a part of your marriage. There may be times when he will make a decision with one of these women that you may not like. You will just have to deal with it. You will have to meet these women, you need get to know them, their children will be in your home and they have a right to know who is caring for them. In choosing to marry this man, you choose to accept his children, baggage and all. There is no halfway with this. You are either all in or not in at all.

The jealousy is something you must get a handle on BEFORE you marry this man. If you can’t, you will have nothing but problems in your marriage. That is not fair to him and certainly not fair to his children.
 
Thing is, should you marry, these women are going to be part of your life for the rest of your life. Every significant event for the children will be shared with these women. Beyond jealousy, it would be the best if you can cultivate friendships with them.
 
Seconded…
I hear this “your spouse takes priority over your children” or “you should love your spouse more than your children” thing on CAF a lot…I’ve yet to see a reference to the actual alleged Church teaching. Not saying its not a Church teaching…but so far when its come up on threads its presented as such without any citations…
In this context in particular, it would definitely, in my opinion, be very wrong for a father to put his children on the back burner because he has a new wife.
My son is my priority over my wife. He has to be. He’s 3 years old…he can’t function on his own. My wife can. Our marriage almost fell apart earlier this year…it was his welfare first and foremost that was on my mind…and I can’t imagine thinking of it any other way.
 
christa4 said:
My understanding is that if it came down to something like saving his life or saving the life of my own child, I would be obligated to save his life first.
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You can view it however you like, but it’s not Church teaching that you have to save your spouse first before your child. Indeed, in that type of situation we have no idea what we would do and we pray we never get into it. I doubt that the Church would judge someone who was under that kind of duress.

In addition, this isn’t really about who to save first when the boat capsizes but simply about not expecting your own needs to come before those of a man’s child.
 
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