How do I overcome jealousy over my boyfriend’s previous relationship?

[christa4]

Thank you to all who gave me useful advice on how to deal with the small issue of jealousy. I will be deleting this thread as it has served it’s purpose and there is no need to go into any further topics.

 

[christa4]

What was so hard about simply giving me some advice on how to deal with small spurts of jealousy. That’s all I was asking for. Jeez.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m sorry if you don’t like the responses you get on the forum. You made a number of very long posts that raised a lot of topics that people thought were worthy of discussion. Unfortunately, when people post about their personal situations here, they don’t always get the answers they want, especially when it’s a loaded topic like yours is.

Good luck with your situation.

 

[Horton]

“Small spurts of jealousy” are rarely a small problem. Many of us on CAF are not young women with little experience in the real world, we’re a bit more like the commercial, “we know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.”

If you have these “small spurts of jealousy” just imagining certain aspects of marriage, just think how much bigger those spurts will be when they happen for real.

No one is telling you to not marry this man, he sounds like a great guy. I’ve told you do not marry him if you can’t overcome your issues about the situation for his sake.

 

[TK421]

My boyfriend and I are seriously considering marriage. He has 2 children from two different women in his past and I find myself drawn towards jealousy. I have kept my virginity in tact for 28 years and I love him deeply. He is an amazing man and a very devout Catholic. I want to love him better by overcoming the jealousy I have over the fact that he has given himself physically to two other women and had children with them. My thoughts are drawn towards things like “When we get married it might be special for me but it won’t be anything new for him.” and “When I’m pregnant it won’t be anything he hasn’t experienced before.”. I understand that I am not these women and his experiences with me will not be the same and yet I feel this sadness that they are special things in life he’s already experienced with other women. I don’t hate the women in his past but I feel deeply hurt that I’m not going to be the only one who has shared intimate moments with him. How do I overcome this jealousy?

Thank you for sharing a sensitive topic. That was very brave of you. I am sorry if you felt some have taken advantage of it.

For the most part, envy is rooted in ignorance. We envy something because we don’t understand it. We construct a fantasy in our mind and we think somebody or something is all roses or bliss when really it is not. I have been struggling with terribly gnawing envy lately so I sympathize with your feelings.

This is what Catholic tradition says: in the case of a husband or wife, you are correct that this wouldn’t be envy. It would be jealousy. Jealousy means we don’t want somebody else to have what we have. God is just and good to be jealous towards us because he deserves to have our sole loyalty. A husband or wife is also just and good to be jealous of their spouse because they deserve to have their spouse’s sole loyalty. If we are not jealous towards out spouse than it means we have a sinful attitude of marriage.

But, in the case of jealousy over past partners, this again boils down to ignorance. If your husband was in past sexual relationships that he shouldn’t have been in, then these relationships didn’t benefit him. Sin never benefits us. It only hurts us. So, you should look back on those experiences as something that truly wounded him, instead of something that somebody ‘got away with’.

But it is hard and it will probably take time and consistent prayer to get a better tackle on these unwanted feelings.

Peace.