How do I overcome loneliness?

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lontas

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Hi all,

I wonder if you could help me get over some loneliness and feel better about myself. I’m a slightly older than average college student. I made a handful of friends at my first college, then either lost them or grew apart from them. I started over again at a new school and made quite a few fair weather friends, but then was forced to leave due to an unfortunate sequence of technicalities with courses and financial aid.

Now, I have very few friends left, and none of them are truly close to me. I’ve watched as friends come and go, while I seem to be stuck and unable to move forward. I’m slowly working my way back into school, which does involve going to campus and interacting with people, but I have not yet been able to make the move from fair weather friendship into close friendship with anyone. I’ve felt a strong calling to marriage, but have never dated. To sum it up, I’ve never been able to get close to anyone and it feels like dirt.

I’m sick of living like this, working towards my degree with no one to share the experience with, pretending to be happy when I’m not. It feels like I’m wasting my 20’s. Normally I’m good at executing plans to fix personal problems, but this one is beyond me. What can I do to deal with this loneliness?

Chris
 
lontas said:
Hi all,

I wonder if you could help me get over some loneliness and feel better about myself. I’m a slightly older than average college student. I made a handful of friends at my first college, then either lost them or grew apart from them. I started over again at a new school and made quite a few fair weather friends, but then was forced to leave due to an unfortunate sequence of technicalities with courses and financial aid.

Now, I have very few friends left, and none of them are truly close to me. I’ve watched as friends come and go, while I seem to be stuck and unable to move forward. I’m slowly working my way back into school, which does involve going to campus and interacting with people, but I have not yet been able to make the move from fair weather friendship into close friendship with anyone. I’ve felt a strong calling to marriage, but have never dated. To sum it up, I’ve never been able to get close to anyone and it feels like dirt.

I’m sick of living like this, pretending to be happy when I’m not. It feels like I’m wasting my 20’s. Normally I’m good at executing plans to fix personal problems, but this one is beyond me. What can I do to deal with this loneliness?

Chris
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Do you have any family that’s close?
 
No, in fact they are emotionally further from me than my friends are.

Chris
 
Chris, when you are around people do you consider yourself an introvert? Many times shy people are mistaken for being rude and this might pose a problem that you don’t even see.

Is this a change from when you were younger or has it always been difficult for you to make friends? How do you view yourself? Do you see yourself as someone who is worth being around? What traits do you have that make you a likable person?

I ask these questions because sometimes we can unknowingly perpetuate an unpleasant disposition that radiates to others. REMEMBER, I do not know you and am only speculating. I do this with charity and concern. I will keep you in my prayers…God Bless 🙂
 
Thank you Teach, I think you’re on to something. I can’t decide whether I’m an introvert or an extrovert (I seem to require alone time and social time equally) but I can say with certainty that I am shy. I even struggle with simple social things like “Good Morning” and “Thank you”. It’s not that I don’t mean to express those sentiments–quite the opposite–but I struggle to say them when appropriate.

I think part of why I feel so low is because I KNOW I put people off even though I want nothing more than to treat them as human beings, yet I don’t know how to change that. It has been like this my whole life.

Chris
 
lontas said:
Thank you Teach, I think you’re on to something. I can’t decide whether I’m an introvert or an extrovert (I seem to require alone time and social time equally) but I can say with certainty that I am shy. I even struggle with simple social things like “Good Morning” and “Thank you”. It’s not that I don’t mean to express those sentiments–quite the opposite–but I struggle to say them when appropriate.

I think part of why I feel so low is because I KNOW I put people off even though I want nothing more than to treat them as human beings, yet I don’t know how to change that. It has been like this my whole life.

Chris
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I’m unfortunately out of time for this very long day but I will get back to you. You sound like a very nice person who is honest with yourself. Hang in there. I’ll talk with you tomorrow…good-night and God bless 🙂
 
Hi lontas, I just saw this thread and thought I’d pop in and try and give support. I think teach is doing a good job.

I do want to add there are times in your life when you feel this way. I remember going through something like this in my early 20s. Often it’s a time when friends go off to different colleges or the ones you grew up with are getting married. It can be very lonely as you feel life is passing you by. I wasn’t shy yet I still went through this.

Sometimes changing what you do in your free time, if you have any 🙂 can help. Do you have a Newman center near the college you attend?

You appear to be a very thoughtful and intelligent person I can tell by the way you write.

I will keep you in my prayers. Keep posting my friend, I don’t want you to fall into depression…that’s far too common among college students.
 
Is there a Newman Club at your college? Are you a member of a parish there? Are you involved in any other clubs at school? Often it’s just a matter of finding like-minded people who enjoy each others’ company.

I find at times I feel very lonely because I have some chronic health issues and am often home-bound. During these times I remember that I’m never really truly alone. Our Lord is with us always, and He experienced lonliness, especially at His hour of agony in the garden. He would love to have you talk with Him! We also have our Mother Mary, and all the angels and saints with us always. Then there are also all the brothers, sisters and priests who pray for us all every day. We are part of a very large family, the family of God, and we are never really alone.

Also, pray that God will bring good friends into your life. After I went through a sort of re-conversion of my faith, I asked God to bring me some good Catholic friends who could encourage me and guide me. Now I have a lot of wonderful Catholic friends who have become like family for me, which is great because we have no extended family living near us.

I hope this helps some. God bless you!
 
Hi Chris,

You sound like I used to be. I see two things you can do here. The first is to concentrate on your relationship with your best friend. When I did this I stopped being lonely. I talk to my best friend all the time, sharing my highs and lows, my joys and all my troubles. Yep, Jesus.

When I concentrate on thanking Him for all the good things in my life, day by day, it lifts my spirits. And when I started thanking Him for all the bad things that happened to me as well, I found joy in my living. Give it a try.

Second thing: To overcome my shyness I forced myself to make eye contact with people as I walked past them. If they looked back I smiled. If they smiled back I said Good Morning/Hi…whatever.

If you do that regularly, especially in a queue someone may start talking to you.

Start out with a goal of smiling/talking to ‘x’ number of people each day and increase as you go. Put some counters/beads (whatever) in a pocket and every time you do it, put one bead in another pocket until you have used them all.

If you do this at your school, you will soon find who regularly smiles back and says Hi to you. Then, if it is a female, just say they look great today, or that colour really suits them, (something true you notice about them - they will know if it is BS).

If it is a guy, make a comment about a recent game, blah, blah, blah…

Give it time, and don’t forget to tell your best Friend how things are going each day.
 
If your university has a Newman Center get involved with that as someone already mentioned. The one at mine really helped me out.
 
I can’t offer much help because my situation is similar and I too haven’t managed to deal with it, but I’ll try in a while… maybe something will work for you. I’ll remember you in my prayers.

Well, basically, it probably looks odd to start making friends with people in the street, right? It does. Besides, what does one have in common with people in the street? I guess it has to be warranted somehow. That means something already to share rather than just going from strangers to friends. A shared hobby maybe. Membership in the same group of whatevers. It’s easier when you have a normal network of friends and people just join in and out, but when you’re used to loneliness, it’s hard to get over people’s quirks and strange interests and other such, and to start building friendships.

If you decide to reach out, you may want to think on what kind of people you would like to associate with, what you have in common with people whom you like, what connects you best with people, to what kind of people it is the easiest for you to relate, what you can tolerate and what you absolutely cannot. You might also want to read some books about characters, personalities, relating, unverbal communication. It didn’t fix my personality for example (pardon using myself as an example yet again), but it helped me empathise with people and figure out their reactions. What’s difficult is that reaching out and making friends and then maintaining them means less time for hobbies and less time for things you like doing and are used to doing as a person with time on his hands. It will require doing things you don’t really want to do, not in terms of moral compromise but in terms of events you don’t exactly want to attend, friends needing to talk just when you have your only break, plans with friends coming in the way of other plans and so on and so forth. Perhaps you don’t see it as worth the effort? Don’t know, just guessing.
 
lontas said:
Hi all,

I’ve watched as friends come and go, while I seem to be stuck and unable to move forward. I’m slowly working my way back into school, which does involve going to campus and interacting with people, but I have not yet been able to make the move from fair weather friendship into close friendship with anyone. I’ve felt a strong calling to marriage, but have never dated. To sum it up, I’ve never been able to get close to anyone and it feels like dirt.

Chris
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Gosh, I could have written this same post when I was in college. I went to two colleges, and made some acquaintances, but few friends. At the end of four years of colleges I had one good friend and two so-so friends.

I can empathize with your statement about “watching friends come and go” while you feel “stuck” in the same place. I’m 42 and I still feel like that. I have a few friends, but I don’t currently have a “best” friend. It often seems that when I do make a new friend, they end up going in another direction and I feel left out.

You mentioned that your family is emotionally distant. My family was emotionally hurtful to me, and as a result, I have problems trusting people and I know I put out some sort of unconscious signals to others to keep their distance from me.

I never dated much either and I gave up on marriage. Then when I was 35 I met a man at a party who is now my husband. I wasn’t looking for someone to date; it just happened. So don’t give up hope of meeting the woman of your dreams.

Over the years I have learned to accept the fact that I am introverted and that it’s ok to be introverted. I try to choose activities that are within, or close to, my comfort level (i.e., not a lot of people at one time). For example, I joined the altar guild in my parish. Three of us meet at the church in the afternoon. We are usually the only people there. This has given me a chance to meet about ten different people over the past few months.

You mentioned having trouble starting a conversation or knowing what to say. There are some books on social anxiety that provide good advice. You also might want to check with your college’s counseling office and see if they have a support group for shyness or social anxiety. We have a group like that where I live, and they practice social skills in the group and give pointers on how to start and maintain a conversation with people.
 
some people by nature have a large group of friends associated with different phases of their life. Others by nature have one or a few friendships, but often those are life-long, deeper and more meaningful, and often are formed in the 20s through college, army, having babies or other shared experience.

The classic advice is to be a friend. Become aware of the needs and feelings of others, focus on doing things for others, work on perception and empathy with what others are going through. For many of us in the second category that begins with a one:one relationship with a person with whom we share a common interest. For general loneliness, which is a given condition during certain stages of life (and can even exist within marriage and family home) doing something concrete with a regular commitment is the best antidote, consider the works of mercy and find a regular ministry or apostolate to pursue.
 
puzzleannie said:
The classic advice is to be a friend. Become aware of the needs and feelings of others, focus on doing things for others, work on perception and empathy with what others are going through. For many of us in the second category that begins with a one:one relationship with a person with whom we share a common interest. For general loneliness, which is a given condition during certain stages of life (and can even exist within marriage and family home) doing something concrete with a regular commitment is the best antidote, consider the works of mercy and find a regular ministry or apostolate to pursue.
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Wonderful advice!

This means pursuing friendships ACTIVELY…

Even with your friends that you’ve moved away from… do you email on a regular basis? (I know I stay close with my college roommates through email and they live across the country!)…

Make it a goal every day to make a random person smile. 🙂 It can be by holding a door for them, making small talk in the elevator, waving to let another car pass in front of you… these little steps start making you more aware of the feelings of others… eventually people pick up on that sorta thing!
If there’s a random person that you don’t know, yet see on a daily basis (walking to class, etc), smile or just say “How’s it going?”… little efforts start to become easier once they’re made into routines.

Do you have certain people you sit next to in class? I remember having lots of people to chat with in college, and in some ways I had the opposite problem… I had to pull back on my overly friendly nature because I couldn’t keep up with so many friends at once… I guess there needs to be a happy medium, huh?

Anyway… you’ll be in my prayers. Don’t focus on yourself… just on others… and they’ll start picking up on that…

Good luck!
 
Well, it looks as if you are getting some sound advice here. As you can see from this thread, there are many people who are with you and experience the same situation. I still feel that you should find those things about you that people like and radiate those things. God created you in His image and likeness no different than anyone else. Find whatever it is that makes you the best version of yourself. Jesus felt His loneliest in the garden of Gethsemane and I never knew that He was my best friend at that time. Hang in there. My prayers are with you. God Bless…🙂
 
Hello lontas,

This afternoon I went to a Catholic Bookstore. When I was looking for a book of Mary Devotion and happened to see a little book for lonely people. My first thought was you.

I look through the books and the first two advices the author of the book were:
  • spend more time with Jesus.
  • develop deep in prayer.
You may have been already doing so, then keep doing it. If not, these are the two things that you should have to include on the things how to overcome loneliness.

I suggest you can stop by some Catholic bookstore to see what books that you could use.

God bless and I keep you in my prayer.
 
Everyone, thanks so much for your advice. Every word of it helps.

Chris
 
Loneliness can become a friend if it causes you to seek Christ and to receive comfort from Him. Or if it causes you to find comfort from Mary.

When you find comfort in prayer, make room for more of it and you will be comforted more. Catholics have such wonderful prayers.

I have always thought that the prayer of St. Francis is so near what Jesus taught on the Sermon on the Mount. If you find a way to live this prayer more fully, I think it would be difficult to remain occupied with feelings of loneliness.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen

If you:
**

  1. *]guard others dignity – never make them feel unimportant to you, instead let people know how important they are to you
    *]**have a giving attitude instead of a getting attitude (meet people a little more than half way instead of less)
    *]dwell on and think of the good things about other people (instead of bad things)
    *]forgive others for the things that hurt you
    *]have time available to spend with people who share the same interests (for example I joined the choir because I love music and it ministers to me)
    *]think about the eternal facts and eternal things (Jesus and Mary love you, He died for you, others need Jesus too) instead of dwelling on temporary feelings or the world’s temporal goods
    *]quickly leave bad situations (where people are negative towards Jesus, or where you find your better attitudes are being threatened)
    *]Spend more time doing what you know you should do and less time doing what you know you should not do.
    I think you will find yourself better off.

    jmm08
 
jmm08 said:
Loneliness can become a friend if it causes you to seek Christ and to receive comfort from Him. Or if it causes you to find comfort from Mary.

jmm08
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I believe this is a really great insight, and it is true that it had happened to me.

When I got out of college, with high accomplishment from college, I could not find my dream job. I spend at least two years working as labor job. One day, I started to pray more and more and to ask God to help me praise Him …and let me have a job …and somehow through this job I will be able to have time more with Him.

Amazingly, 5 months later, my dream came true…and later I found out that there was a church next to my work place. 😉 that is when I start to go to daily Mass…

I hope this little testimony can bring some light to Chris - our friend here.
 
lontas said:
Everyone, thanks so much for your advice. Every word of it helps.

Chris
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Lots of love here. And there’s a lot of love around you. People do care. Hang in there, Chris. God sent you us only because you asked. He will send you others…🙂 God bless you…teachccd
 
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