How do I overcome loneliness?

[cheeto1]

In my life there have been times of loneliness that have come
and gone and come again. I have learned to pay attention in
times of lonliness because I get overly excited when I have
too many friends and I don’t have time for God. When God
has something important for me to do, He needs me lonely
so I’ll notice and do it. Ask Him if there’s something He’d
like you to do, something that you wouldn’t have time for if
you had lots of friends. Whenever I’ve done something
important for God, I’ve never felt lonely.

 

[4loveofJesus]

May God’s peace, love and mercy be with you!

We may seem to be by ourselves but we are never alone. Our Good Lord Jesus is with us all the time and of course not to forget Our Blessed Mother, the angels, the saints and the poor souls in Purgatory.

In the past, I was extremely shy but with God’s grace, I was able to overcome it. God in His infinite goodness draws us closer to Him as we keep Him company in our loneliness. He also allows us at times to share and experience a drop in the chalice of His most bitter Passion on the Cross - the abandonment by the disciples, the agony in the garden of Gethsemani.

In moments like these, I just keep Our Good Lord company in the Blessed Sacrament or sometimes I just talk to Him. He loves us so much. He is always waiting for us to talk to Him or spend that quiet time with Him.

God, In His Perfect and Infinite Wisdom, allows us to encounter other people at certain moments of our lives for a reason. We just have to trust in Him.

People may abandon us but God never will. Jesus keeps His promise to be with us always… God bless!

Blessed be Jesus and Mary!

 

[lontas]

Everyone, thanks for the additional help and prayers. Even though I don’t feel anything from your prayers, I have faith that God responds to them.

Let me give you some more details about the problem. I think I may not have described it accurately. I actually enjoy meeting and interacting with new people, despite my difficulty with doing so. I have quite a few friends and a good amount of social interaction (but not as much as I’d like), and some of them I’ve known for a long time. But I seem to have a greater need for closeness than any of them can fulfill. It seems like no matter how much I see them, talk with them, and listen to them, it is not enough of a relationship. The same goes with joining various groups–I’ve tried that, and what always happens is that the crowd and I can’t relate to each other and I just end up lonely in a crowd instead of lonely by myself.

Also, when I am lonely I find it nearly impossible to do anything. Literally. I haven’t even played a video game in two weeks or more (and believe me, video games are a huge thing for me). I get to thinking, “why even bother if it’s just me?” I just have no drive to seek a job or get anything done when there’s no one to share the experience. Sometimes there are rare moments when I go to a very fulfilling party, after which I get some of my drive back for a short time. But it always goes away again within a few days.

Cheeto1, your suggestion was a great idea and I’ve actually been asking God the very same thing for what seems like years–what on earth should I be doing right now, God? As of yet there has been no obvious answer to that. I have done some things that I think God wants me to do–like taking real action to put a stop to a certain addictive sin that gets talked about here a lot. Come to think of it, maybe all this is just the result of going without that for a while. (It’s totally worth it though.)

Sometimes I think I’ll never be happy unless I meet the ideal woman and enter into an ideal relationship. But I want to avoid the trap of thinking dating somebody will fix all my problems. I guess I don’t have a specific question for this post, just felt like clearing some things up.

 

[cheeto1]

When you are saying “why bother” to things you usually
enjoy, it could mean a lack of sleep. Did you know that if
you don’t get enough sleep, your brain cannot produce a
chemical that makes the emotion happiness possible?
I saw this on 20/20 and a science person here on the forums
has confirmed this.

 

[Neithan]

Sometimes I think I’ll never be happy unless I meet the ideal woman and enter into an ideal relationship. But I want to avoid the trap of thinking dating somebody will fix all my problems. I guess I don’t have a specific question for this post, just felt like clearing some things up.

That’s a recipe for unhappiness. There is no ideal woman (or man, except Mary and Jesus). You have to fill this need for a deep relationship with God somewhow (it’s a ‘God-sized’ hole in our soul), so that if and when you do marry, your spouse won’t be unduly burdened with being placed in the role as your ultimate source of happiness, as that can only end in disappointment and resentment.

I think it was C.S. Lewis who said that the best cure for loneliness is worship.

I’m a loner myself. I have a wide circle of acquaintances but few close friendships; but I can’t say I’m ever lonely, knowing that the Holy Spirit resides in my soul and Our Lord is just a Tabernacle away!

 

[chevalier]

When you are saying “why bother” to things you usually
enjoy, it could mean a lack of sleep. Did you know that if
you don’t get enough sleep, your brain cannot produce a
chemical that makes the emotion happiness possible?
I saw this on 20/20 and a science person here on the forums
has confirmed this.

Umm… Thanks for that news. I shall consider it.

 

[Ravenchica09]

I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you. I attend Benedictine College and while it is an amazing college I do also feel lonely from time to time. Especially my freshman year I had problems with this. I didn’t want to be too involved for fear of taking away from my studies. This year I became very involved in our pro life club here on campus as well as a Catholic Women’s Club. I made a number of new friends who share common interests and feel alot less lonely! I am praying for you!

 

[guanophore]

Everyone, thanks for the additional help and prayers. Even though I don’t feel anything from your prayers, I have faith that God responds to them.

There may be some other reasons that you are not feeling.

But I seem to have a greater need for closeness than any of them can fulfill.  It seems like no matter how much I see them, talk with them, and listen to them, it is not enough of a relationship.  The same goes with joining various groups--I've tried that, and what always happens is that the crowd and I can't relate to each other and I just end up lonely in a crowd instead of lonely by myself.

Have you ever considered that you may have a call to religious life? Our hearts are restless until they rest in the Lord. when you are in his Will for you, you will be at peace. In the meantime, the emptiness will keep you searching.

Also, when I am lonely I find it nearly impossible to do anything. Literally. I haven’t even played a video game in two weeks or more (and believe me, video games are a huge thing for me). I get to thinking, “why even bother if it’s just me?” I just have no drive to seek a job or get anything done when there’s no one to share the experience. Sometimes there are rare moments when I go to a very fulfilling party, after which I get some of my drive back for a short time. But it always goes away again within a few days.

There are most likely deeper reasons for your anhedonia.

I’ve actually been asking God the very same thing for what seems like years–what on earth should I be doing right now, God?

I hope this is an question that we ask daily!

Sometimes I think I’ll never be happy unless I meet the ideal woman and enter into an ideal relationship. But I want to avoid the trap of thinking dating somebody will fix all my problems. I guess I don’t have a specific question for this post, just felt like clearing some things up.

I saw this was addressed elsewhere, but I wanted to chime in that, if today you are single, then this is your vocation for today. As a single person, you are called to chastity (read about this in the catechism) and the best way to spend your energies is to get yourself as healthy, happy, and whole as possible so that, if and when God decides to put someone in your life, you will be the most ready. This means making Christ the center of your life, and pursuing His works for you with gusto.

 

[chevalier]

Everyone, thanks for the additional help and prayers. Even though I don’t feel anything from your prayers, I have faith that God responds to them.

Yup. No prayers go to waste.

But I seem to have a greater need for closeness than any of them can fulfill. It seems like no matter how much I see them, talk with them, and listen to them, it is not enough of a relationship. The same goes with joining various groups–I’ve tried that, and what always happens is that the crowd and I can’t relate to each other and I just end up lonely in a crowd instead of lonely by myself.

Sounds like you’re talking about me. I can’t help you, but if this is of any consolation, I often have that except some moments with the best of my friends or the ones known for the longest periods of time or with the most intense shared histories. Then there’s the problem of sometimes seeing things as more intense than the other person does. No wonder I score high on histronic disorder in those funny Internet tests. On a more serious note… I don’t know… No one’s going to be fully compatible with you and especially if you have many different interests or an unusual set. Perhaps you need more friends or more intense ones. Or perhaps you should be doing something else but you don’t know what.

Also, when I am lonely I find it nearly impossible to do anything. Literally. I haven’t even played a video game in two weeks or more (and believe me, video games are a huge thing for me).

Yep, yep. I know what you’re talking about. Maybe you need a break. Can’t just go on playing video games. Sometimes one needs some real interaction with people and games don’t give that, while they do make time fly fast. If you can do something else, you’re probably better off that way.

I get to thinking, “why even bother if it’s just me?” I just have no drive to seek a job or get anything done when there’s no one to share the experience.

Yeah, but you need the money. You probably don’t see much you could spend it on, but there’s always something. And you may need money later. Material goods in life cost. And work is some kind of a calling.

Sometimes there are rare moments when I go to a very fulfilling party, after which I get some of my drive back for a short time. But it always goes away again within a few days.

Yup. Again, no advice, except maybe make the effort when it’s worth it but don’t go when you just simply feel forced to. Between games and parties, get-togethers are worth it, but clubbing probably isn’t. Different answers for different people.

Cheeto1, your suggestion was a great idea and I’ve actually been asking God the very same thing for what seems like years–what on earth should I be doing right now, God? As of yet there has been no obvious answer to that. I have done some things that I think God wants me to do–like taking real action to put a stop to a certain addictive sin that gets talked about here a lot. Come to think of it, maybe all this is just the result of going without that for a while. (It’s totally worth it though.)

Well, maybe if you think God might want those things of you, it might be worth giving it a shot? Can you talk about that to a priest?

 

[chevalier]

Sometimes I think I’ll never be happy unless I meet the ideal woman and enter into an ideal relationship. But I want to avoid the trap of thinking dating somebody will fix all my problems. I guess I don’t have a specific question for this post, just felt like clearing some things up.

Just look at the various female saints. How they differ from one another. And they are all saints. The common trait in all will likely be holiness plus a couple of virtues, but personalities will differ. Sometimes like fire and water.

Now, it’s a good thing to be serious about finding a good wife. It’s a good thing to aim for the best instead of confining yourself to some artificially imposed limits that only set you back. On the other hand, don’t put superhuman requirements on people. Would you really like a woman who’s more ideal than you are? Are you the ideal man? Jesus was one and He was single. When I hear, “ideal woman”, I just can’t avoid simply thinking of Mary. That’s I guess where one should go to pray for a good wife. Not sure if this is the custom, but if the custom is different, I’m still going to cross it.

Ideal relationship… Erm. That’s probably only with God, no?

Now, there’s always the possibility that God knows (well, “knows” is a certainty) you’re serious about wanting a good wife and a good relationship, not a Fast Food Relationship ™, and since He wants the best for you (another certainty), He might be preparing you for the woman. Suppose you’re only on your way to something bigger. Maybe you’re evolving. Would you rather meet your woman after evolving or in the middle of it? Maybe you aren’t ready for her? Maybe she isn’t ready for you? Maybe you aren’t ready for a relationship for some reason? Just speculating… No claim to know God’s will and I’d be careful with claims that He hand-picks spouses.

Now. There’s always also the possibility that God is giving you time for something you like doing but won’t be able to do when you’re married. For example, as much as you (and perhaps more so), I like video games. Just how much will you be able to play them when you’re married? Especially when you have children. Or even more so if you become a priest, let alone get a calling to the religious life. Then again, my brother’s catechist priest pwnd them all boys in Quake in the cyber cafe one beautiful day…

Erm right. Well. It looks like the present is a gift and it’s a good idea to get the best out if and stop worrying about the past or future. Living the present to the max will prevent retrospective regrets in the future. It will also take your time away from thinking about the future, too. Plus, there will be more you in the current happenings, so also more you in the shaping of your future. Perhaps also more experience in life.

 

[water]

lontas,

Here is a novena of St. Rita, you may find it helpful:
childmary.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=109

 

[CarrieH]

Are there any activities which you used to enjoy in high school but which have slipped away? Especially activities that involve others, where you might be able to meet some new people? I went through a very lonely period when I moved to a different city. I eventually realized that nobody was going to come knocking on my door; it was up to me to get out there and get involved in community activities (or in your case, perhaps college activities). In my case, this involved blowing the dust off of my old clarinet and joining the community band, getting involved in my parish church’s activities, and joining the YMCA in order to work out. I spent a fair number of Saturday nights at the Perpetual Adoration Chapel, with Jesus as my “date.” I am the kind of person who would otherwise sit in front of the computer and waste away, and I had to force myself to do these things, getting way out of my comfort zone. But it was worth it! Maybe you could find some things to do, according to your own interests? Good luck and God bless.

 

[guanophore]

Hi all,

I wonder if you could help me get over some loneliness and feel better about myself. I’m a slightly older than average college student. I made a handful of friends at my first college, then either lost them or grew apart from them. I started over again at a new school and made quite a few fair weather friends, but then was forced to leave due to an unfortunate sequence of technicalities with courses and financial aid.

Now, I have very few friends left, and none of them are truly close to me. I’ve watched as friends come and go, while I seem to be stuck and unable to move forward. I’m slowly working my way back into school, which does involve going to campus and interacting with people, but I have not yet been able to make the move from fair weather friendship into close friendship with anyone. I’ve felt a strong calling to marriage, but have never dated. To sum it up, I’ve never been able to get close to anyone and it feels like dirt.

I’m sick of living like this, working towards my degree with no one to share the experience with, pretending to be happy when I’m not. It feels like I’m wasting my 20’s. Normally I’m good at executing plans to fix personal problems, but this one is beyond me. What can I do to deal with this loneliness?

Chris

I think that service to others is very good for this. “Give, and it shall be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, shall be poured into your lap”. If you are feeling lonely, go find someone lonlier than you are (if you can!) Befriend such a one, and put your attention on giving to them in their need. You will be surprised how fast you feel better.

 

[TallyCatholic]

I even struggle with simple social things like “Good Morning” and “Thank you”. It’s not that I don’t mean to express those sentiments–quite the opposite–but I struggle to say them when appropriate.

Chris

Chris! You must be my twin brother! I really struggle with pleasentries. Not because I don’t know what’s going on, but because I feel weird just saying those things. I’m sure it sounds stupid, but I know what you mean.

As for your lonliness, don’t think you are the only one or that this is not uncommon. you have switched a few schools and moved. that can drive friendships apart. I personally have no real male friends or female friends for that matter. Having a young family doesn’t really lend itself to that. But like you I like being social but at the same time am pretty introverted. Just keep your head up. Is there a local church you can get involved in. Usually if there is a college there is a student type church with student groups, etc. Just some ideas! But I hear you man, its tough! And you’ll meet some guys who might be good friends until you realize they’re scum and hanging out with them is pretty offensive.

 

[Island_Oak]

Lontas:

Sorry to hear you find yourself sad and lonely in my old home town. BUT I think your problem is less one of being an introvert (or extrovert), good at social pleasantries or idle chit-chat and more of a serious case of impatience. By your own description, your circumstances–including a transfer to a new college, financial challenges, etc. have made it nearly impossible to have been in one place long enough or consistently enough to give anyone the chance to develop a meaningful friendship with you. There’s not anything wrong with you–just some unfortunate circumstances.

Give yourself a break–and some time to settle in! You can’t reasonably expect to walk onto a new campus and immediately meld into a solid group of friends. Start slowly–both with your interactions and expectations. Take the initiative–identify someone who seems kind/warm/aproachable/funny and invite him/her out for coffee…see if you can schedule a study group with a couple of people in one of your classes…suggest attending a movie on campus or at a theatre… It is almost impossible not to meet new friends with whom you have something in common when surrounded with a target-rich environment like a college campus. One step at a time…you’ll get there.

Also…farm1.static.flickr.com/79/214034831_b6221be69e_m.jpg

Check out this beautiful St. Mary’s Chapel at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul…just blocks from where I grew up and hopefully close to you.

 

[lontas]

Thank you all again for your prayers and advice. There really is so much love on this forum, you’re all like role models for me in that area.

Island Oak–I’m afraid the problem goes a little deeper than you may realize. I have been on my new campus for four years. I had to stop taking classes due to technical problems not related to my academic performance. I have made friends here and seen them move away just shy of getting a chance to be close to them. I’m slowly working my way back into school but it is so hard when your friends are going faster than you and always leaving. I am very familiar with the beautiful St. Mary’s chapel, as I am a student at St. Thomas. In a couple of months almost all of my current friends are graduating, meaning next fall I’ll be going at it alone again (…naturally).

Absolutely, all I want to do is to give myself to my friends, to BE a friend as well as have friends. But people don’t seem receptive to that for some reason!

On the surface, it looks like I have lots of friends and couldn’t possibly be lonely. But my feelings say otherwise. I guess I have a need for something stronger and more lasting than a bunch of acquaintances.

Chris

 

[guanophore]

I have been on my new campus for four years.    I have made friends here and seen them move away just shy of getting a chance to be close to them.  I'm slowly working my way back into school but it is so hard when your friends are going faster than you and always leaving.  I am very familiar with the beautiful St. Mary's chapel, as I am a student at St. Thomas.  In a couple of months almost all of my current friends are graduating, meaning next fall I'll be going at it alone again (...naturally).

Absolutely, all I want to do is to give myself to my friends, to BE a friend as well as have friends. But people don’t seem receptive to that for some reason!

On the surface, it looks like I have lots of friends and couldn’t possibly be lonely. But my feelings say otherwise. I guess I have a need for something stronger and more lasting than a bunch of acquaintances. Chris

I gather that you are unfulfilled. this is not the outcome Christ died for you to have! He came that you might have life, and have it more abundantly! It is for you to seek until you find that abundance, and this is what you are doing now. I see on your schools website:

Getting Involved
Discover opportunities to get involved outside the classroom. Link to activities, clubs and organizations, events, intramural sports, student government, volunteer opportunities and more.

Spirituality & Service
Find mass and worship schedules along with volunteer opportunities and Information

and wonder if you have pursued all these already? As I have said, the best solution I have found to lonliness is to minister to someone elses, and that get’s my mind off my own. However, I cant’ get rid of the nagging possibility that the life you are in now may not be the one to which you are ultimately called. If you are unsatisfied with the relationships you have, it may be that your are being brought to long for something different. I think I asked before if you had considered a call to religious vocation. If you enter a program of discernment for this, you will not be making any commitments, but you may find answers to questions, and find yourself being fulfilled. I strongly recommend that you at least consider this.

 

[guanophore]

I think you’re on to something. I can’t decide whether I’m an introvert or an extrovert (I seem to require alone time and social time equally) but I can say with certainty that I am shy.

it is not really a matter of being shy, or not. Shy is usually a reflection of poor social skills and/or low self esteem. Introvernt or extrovert is best understood in the context of what is most energizing for you. Which do you want when you are weary and need recharged?

I even struggle with simple social things like “Good Morning” and “Thank you”. It’s not that I don’t mean to express those sentiments–quite the opposite–but I struggle to say them when appropriate.

This struggle reflects a need for some work in basic skills of social interaction, and more especially, inner healing that will restore the spontaneity that belongs to your interactions.

I think part of why I feel so low is because I KNOW I put people off even though I want nothing more than to treat them as human beings, yet I don’t know how to change that. It has been like this my whole life.

This is something counseling can address. There are also self help groups that can be of benefit. We are not to give psychological or medical advice here, so I will say no more on that.

 

[guanophore]

I can’t offer much help because my situation is similar and I too haven’t managed to deal with it, but I’ll try in a while… maybe something will work for you. I’ll remember you in my prayers.

Well, basically, it probably looks odd to start making friends with people in the street, right? It does. Besides, what does one have in common with people in the street? I guess it has to be warranted somehow. That means something already to share rather than just going from strangers to friends. A shared hobby maybe. Membership in the same group of whatevers. It’s easier when you have a normal network of friends and people just join in and out, but when you’re used to loneliness, it’s hard to get over people’s quirks and strange interests and other such, and to start building friendships.

If you decide to reach out, you may want to think on what kind of people you would like to associate with, what you have in common with people whom you like, what connects you best with people, to what kind of people it is the easiest for you to relate, what you can tolerate and what you absolutely cannot. You might also want to read some books about characters, personalities, relating, unverbal communication. It didn’t fix my personality for example (pardon using myself as an example yet again), but it helped me empathise with people and figure out their reactions. What’s difficult is that reaching out and making friends and then maintaining them means less time for hobbies and less time for things you like doing and are used to doing as a person with time on his hands. It will require doing things you don’t really want to do, not in terms of moral compromise but in terms of events you don’t exactly want to attend, friends needing to talk just when you have your only break, plans with friends coming in the way of other plans and so on and so forth. Perhaps you don’t see it as worth the effort? Don’t know, just guessing.

This is so true. It puts me in mind of Luke 10:29. Jesus instructs us not to “go out and make friends” but to “go into the world and preach” and “love thy neighbor”. It the course of setting ourselves to these goals, we will inevitably be gifted with many “houses, lands, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, etc.” It is also interesting that, when the people asked Jesus “who is my neighbor”, he responded with this parable that defines a neighbor as one in need of help.

 

[chevalier]

lontas:

I even struggle with simple social things like “Good Morning” and “Thank you”. It’s not that I don’t mean to express those sentiments–quite the opposite–but I struggle to say them when appropriate.

Just spotted that quote. Well, such things are extremely important to me. “Good morning,” only if you know the person or are entering the room or initiating some contact (although it isn’t wrong if you’re, let’s say, passing by someone for a third time already, or passing by a single person in a corridor or similar), but thanks and sorries and pleases are extremely important. They are also a good way to express kindness and actually to say or word or two to another. I always make it a point to employ them lavishly as I see it as a certain sort of mission to defy certain tendencies in the modern culture and to stay unaffected by certain such norms and stereotypes. As a side-effect, you might get noticed by people who value good old-fashioned kindness and that’s always a good thing. Who knows, you might even make someone’s day. People are sometimes jaw-dropped when they hear both “excuse me” and “thank you” in crowd situations, for example. Or both “please” before and “thank you” after they do something. Actually, a polite “I’m sorry” or “I beg your pardon” sometimes more than offsets the inconvenience of whatever has caused it. Who knows, especially if it’s a young woman, maybe hearing a polite word from a young man (even if she’s never to see him again) will instill in her some more faith and hope and she will avoid ending up with a jerk?

Oh, but you said you actually wanted to express those sentiments, didn’t you? Perhaps you feel closed in yourself, withdrawn, taken-speech-from, so to say. Well then, perhaps you need to go somewhere and get some friends. I experience that sometimes and I end up smiling and nodding or bowing instead of talking as a result.

There might also be fear of rejection, but that’s a tougher nut to crack. Believe me I know something of it, but it’s not like I could help you much with that. Guess you just need to get over it and get used to it and stop minding it so much, even for the sake of the few people who will appreciate kindness and/or friendliness.

This is so true. It puts me in mind of Luke 10:29. Jesus instructs us not to “go out and make friends” but to “go into the world and preach” and “love thy neighbor”. It the course of setting ourselves to these goals, we will inevitably be gifted with many “houses, lands, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, etc.” It is also interesting that, when the people asked Jesus “who is my neighbor”, he responded with this parable that defines a neighbor as one in need of help.

Thank you. Hmm… I would normally look at it the more litteral way and see the one offering help as the neighbour primarily and before the one in need, but neighbourhood is a mutual tie anyway (in Polish, the word used means someone close to you, perhaps like “proximus” in Latin… I always think of that because “neighbour” I always associate with the guy whose house is next to yours or something like that). If we extend it to making friends in real life, someone coming with help comes as a friend (neighbour), but the person in need in whom we see a friend and offer that help to him, that person is quite likely to become a friend of ours, not? And I’m not talking about charity work, but simple acts of charity in a normal environment. Sometimes I suppose it’s as much as just giving someone some of one’s time. Even just listening.