How do I overcome poor social skills if i'm called to marriage?

[WildCatholic]

First of all, let me say that more than likely I feel called to marriage, or to put it more correctly, I’m 99.9% sure I won’t be a priest (there’s always a chance) and about a 90% chance I become a religious brother (I’ve always been more drawn to religious life than the priesthood).

Anyway here is my question. How do I overcome poor social skills. I’m a young devout Catholic guy who is increasing in confidence and holiness everyday, yet I struggle socially. I do have friends, but I’m not exactly what you would call close with people. I maybe have. 1 or 2 close friends, but other than that I don’t really talk much to anyone else my age. For some reason, in spite of my growing confidence, I still have some form of social anxiety. It isn’t typical SA though. I’m more afraid that people won’t like me or will think I’m creepy. I’m okay with talking to people, but i’m afraid to approach when I don’t know them. I hate going randomly up to one person and just talking to them unless it’s a certain situation where you are supposed to meet people like a catholic group or for something at work. However at places like bars or clubs or even certain catholic events, I’m afraid to talk to people, especially girls because I don’t want to seem like some creep whose hitting on them or something.

It also doesn’t help that while most people would say I’m nice and friendly, that I make some pretty bad social mistakes. For example this past summer, I worked as a traveling religious Ed teacher for my diocese. Anyway I was on a team with one seminarian and two other women, and I developed a kind of crush on one of them (she’s really amazing, smart, holy, and so much more). However the problem is that i’m a starer. I’ll admit sometimes I stare. I know it probably makes me a creep, but it wasn’t like I was thinking “oh she’s so hot” or typical stuff like that. It was more like “how do I get an awesome girl like her to like a guy like me?” when I looked at her. What made it tough too was that I couldn’t just ask her out. Especially while working together. I felt it was more important to focus on our job at hand.

Anyway , I later found out through a source that she found it hard to “love me as a person of god” and while she was nice enough to me in person, I can’t help but wonder if she and most other girls think of me as some awkward creep who’s only good thing is that he’s catholic. It also makes me wonder if something is wrong with me or if i should even consider marriage as a vocation due to my lack of social skills.

I keep looking at myself and while I feel more confident about myself, I can’t help but notice I lack in social graces. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like i’m super awkward, but I’m quiet, shy, and afraid to ask people for things or if they want to do something because i’ll get rejected. I know as a Catholic man I shoudln’t be like this, but anymore I just feel like maybe i’m just an odd duck and should just focus on God, and forget about having close relationships with a lot of people.

However, for some reason I feel this strong pull that I want to have a family. I feel like I want to share a life with someone. It’s why i’m getting my masters and basically going into another work field so I can find a good job and take care of myself and others. I want to be a provider.

So how do I overcome my fears and anxieties? Obviously prayer is going to be the main answer, but I want more concrete advice. Don’t get me wrong, prayer works. But prayer alone doesn’t get you what you want. I can pray for a spouse constantly, but unless I get out there it isn’t going to happen. Typically God doesn’t put things in our lap (as nice as that would be). So what are some tips to not be so socially awkward and hopefully live out my vocation if i’m called to marriage?

 

[MJJean]

Practice. It takes time and practice to overcome social awkwardness or social cluelessness. It helps to have a socially adept friend who is willing to go with you and let you know when you’re acting “off”.

My husband was/is socially awkward. It has improved since we met, but he will never be a social butterfly. That’s fine by me, I like him for who he is. Social awkwardness doesn’t doom one to the single life. Some people find it endearing.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

You’re normal.

Please don’t be discouraged, or think that you have no vocation to marriage because of your social awkwardness. You’re allowed to accept love, too. When I seemed unable to reach out to begin friendships (social awkwardness and “I-don’t-care-ness”), people reached out to me; they saw something potentially friend-worthy even when I didn’t. Forget about the myth that you have to have lots of really close friends; one or two is pretty common, I think. There might be other people that you are friends with on a different level, and maybe you can be a friend to someone even though you’re strangers (just a little self-forgetful thing like offering help). There’s all different kinds of friendships; none of them are going to look alike or fit a specific pattern, and sometimes you have to accept friendships on the other person’s terms (that is, maybe you wanted to be their close friend, but they need a little more space).

 

[pensmama87]

Have you seen a counselor for your social anxiety? A good counselor can help you with that as well as teach you some good socializing and communication skills. You’re not alone in needing help with that - I think more and more people struggle with creating authentic relationships now and creating strong attachments instead of superficial ones.

As a specific note, I’d try to resist the temptation to find out “through the grapevine” how people feel about you. It’s a temptation to gossip for you and others. It can be really scary to do (which is why a counselor can be useful) but you have to be willing to open up a little bit and become vulnerable to make connections with people. If you catch yourself staring (you can learn to notice it if you don’t now), you can stop and say to the person, “I’m sorry - I just realized I was staring at you. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable; sometimes I just get wrapped up in my thinking.” This does several things - it explains what you were doing (which is not creepy and something most of us do sometimes), recognizes that the other person may be disturbed, and you apologize for disturbing the person. It opens up an opportunity for connection, and the kind of person you want for a wife will respond positively to that.

 

[maryjk]

Practice. It takes time and practice to overcome social awkwardness or social cluelessness. It helps to have a socially adept friend who is willing to go with you and let you know when you’re acting “off”.

My husband was/is socially awkward. It has improved since we met, but he will never be a social butterfly. That’s fine by me, I like him for who he is. Social awkwardness doesn’t doom one to the single life. Some people find it endearing.

I’m in the same boat.

My husband was very private. He had a few very close friends, but not a large social circle.

Our son is the same way.

I asked my husband how he grew into the person he is today. He is much more open, friendly, approachable, than he was when we met. I loved him then, I love him now.

He said the first step is to find a woman who *is *a social butterfly and fall in love with her. (Or words to that effect.)

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi WildCatholic,

My advice is that you need to keep on trying when it comes to social situations, where you keep putting yourself out there. Just be gentle on yourself and do it gradually if you have to, if that makes you feel more comfortable.

What I mean is, you don’t have to have a social event to go to, every evening.

Set a goal for yourself that when you do go to one though, that you will go up to someone and talk to them. It doesn’t have to be a young lady. It can be anyone. This is just so that you get more comfortable talking to people in a social setting.

For example, if you are at a church gathering and you are standing at the refreshment table, that might be the time to greet someone and briefly talk to them–something like that.

It can be real easy chit chat too while you are getting a cup of coffee or a piece of cake, like, “This is a nice gathering. A lot of people turned up for this party, etc.”

MJJean is right–not all of us are called to be “social butterflies.” Some people are more out-going than others, and some are more quiet, and there is nothing wrong with either.

 

[Cricket2]

We are all socially awkward at some point and in different situations. I had a friend who eventually got some counseling and participated in “assertiveness training” classes because he was so shy. It helped him correct some behaviors that accentuated his social awkward appearances and attitudes.

As for bars and clubs, I would avoid these as places to evaluate your social skills. They have too much else going on including the effects of alcohol. There are also a lot of people there that just may be there for no other reason than to look for someone to get hooked up with for the night, are “players” and may have problems with drinking. I have never viewed these as great places to meet people for a serious relationship.

The most important qualities to have are honesty, sincerity and kindness. Being a reliable friend and trustworthy person is all most people want from others. Don’t think in numbers of people you know, or how great you are at parties and other functions, think of being that friend that others can trust in all things and quality. Work on character, being able to listen well, knowing when to speak or share, keep things confidential and sincerity. The rest is superficial and doesn’t mean much in the end.

 

[mommamaree]

Once you have been “caught” staring, one polite way to handle the situation is to honestly admit that you think she is very pretty and you are sorry but couldn’t help admiring. Some men will actually get “caught staring” on purpose, because then their apology serves as an opening to talk to the young lady. My husband was that way with me. Because he was so nice and polite once we started talking more frequently, I never minded his “staring”, which to me was very complimentary.
Social awkwardness is not a tremendous hurdle to overcome. Just keep working on your ability to pleasantly interact with people in social situations. Focus on what is interesting about them, and be careful to not to talk too much about yourself. People like to get to know each other over a series of interactions, so try to balance asking about them with sharing about yourself.
You might want to read a book on gentlemanly behavior, if that will help increase your confidence and give you new skills to develop. Just practice and if you experience an embarrassing situation where your awkwardness gets in the way, just apologize and be honest that you feel a bit nervous and that you find the girl interesting and pretty. Even if the relationship with that particular girl never goes past friendship, honesty is very endearing and it might help for you to make plenty of female friends as you discern marriage. You never know when a girl will have a sister, cousin or friend that is just perfect for you, and she can put in a good word for you about how nice you are, and how kind, but “he gets a bit nervous when meeting people, you know”…that sort of thing.

Good luck! You sound like a nice young man. I hope you are able to conquer your fears and overcome your challenges!

 

[Cat]

You overcome poor social skills by working hard and practicing. This means that you will continue to fall down and make errors, but you learn from them and keep working at it.

I agree with MJJean–find someone to “train you.” I would suggest hiring a coach who specializes in “image-making” and working with them to develop better social skills. If you don’t have any money to hire someone, then swallow your pride and approach someone that you admire for their social skills, and ask if they could help you out by teaching you some skills.

If you have anxiety disorders that make it difficult for you to work with someone on social skills, it would be helpful if you could get some cognitive therapy to get at the root of the anxiety and tame it.

One more thing–the people with good social skills are often more interested in others than themselves. That’s why everyone likes them–because those people are honestly interested in other people. We all like to be around someone who asks us about ourselves, our hobbies, our problems, etc., and who seems truly interested in hearing our answers to their questions.

So I suggest that you find a way to stop dwelling on yourself, analyzing yourself, and beating yourself up about your self-perceived inadequacies, and instead, think about others and be interested in THEM.

I am concerned that you feel like a “creep” or “creepy.” This is why I suggest hiring an image-maker/coach rather than just relying on a friend or an acquaintance. It’s important for you to have feedback from an unbiased person who can honestly tell you whether there is something about your appearance or mannerisms that is “creepy.” I"m guessing that this is all your imagination, but it’s best to get a verdict from someone who is experienced.

As a woman, I find that certain eyes on certain men are disarming. I wouldn’t go so far as to say “creepy,” but sometimes, a man’s eyes can make me feel uneasy. This is especially true of men with really light-colored eyes (hazel, light blue). However, it’s almost always my imagination–a person can’t do anything about the way their eyes are designed, and the man is almost always very nice and thoughtful, not creepy at all.

When it comes to “staring,” you can learn how not to stare. Moms and Dads teach their very little children not to stare at people, and if little kids can learn, so can you. Work on it.

 

[runningdude]

…

However, for some reason I feel this strong pull that I want to have a family. I feel like I want to share a life with someone. It’s why i’m getting my masters and basically going into another work field so I can** find a good job and take care of myself and others**. I want to be a provider.

So how do I overcome my fears and anxieties? …

You are doing the correct thing. You want a family; thus you need to be financially ready to support a family. Finish your master’s, start your career, and once you’re established, it will be slightly easier to date.

 

[Annie39]

First of all, let me say that more than likely I feel called to marriage, or to put it more correctly, I’m 99.9% sure I won’t be a priest (there’s always a chance) and about a 90% chance I become a religious brother (I’ve always been more drawn to religious life than the priesthood).

Anyway here is my question. How do I overcome poor social skills. I’m a young devout Catholic guy who is increasing in confidence and holiness everyday, yet I struggle socially. I do have friends, but I’m not exactly what you would call close with people. I maybe have. 1 or 2 close friends, but other than that I don’t really talk much to anyone else my age. For some reason, in spite of my growing confidence, I still have some form of social anxiety. It isn’t typical SA though. I’m more afraid that people won’t like me or will think I’m creepy. I’m okay with talking to people, but i’m afraid to approach when I don’t know them. I hate going randomly up to one person and just talking to them unless it’s a certain situation where you are supposed to meet people like a catholic group or for something at work. However at places like bars or clubs or even certain catholic events, I’m afraid to talk to people, especially girls because I don’t want to seem like some creep whose hitting on them or something.

It also doesn’t help that while most people would say I’m nice and friendly, that I make some pretty bad social mistakes. For example this past summer, I worked as a traveling religious Ed teacher for my diocese. Anyway I was on a team with one seminarian and two other women, and I developed a kind of crush on one of them (she’s really amazing, smart, holy, and so much more). However the problem is that i’m a starer. I’ll admit sometimes I stare. I know it probably makes me a creep, but it wasn’t like I was thinking “oh she’s so hot” or typical stuff like that. It was more like “how do I get an awesome girl like her to like a guy like me?” when I looked at her. What made it tough too was that I couldn’t just ask her out. Especially while working together. I felt it was more important to focus on our job at hand.

Anyway , I later found out through a source that she found it hard to “love me as a person of god” and while she was nice enough to me in person, I can’t help but wonder if she and most other girls think of me as some awkward creep who’s only good thing is that he’s catholic. It also makes me wonder if something is wrong with me or if i should even consider marriage as a vocation due to my lack of social skills.

I keep looking at myself and while I feel more confident about myself, I can’t help but notice I lack in social graces. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like i’m super awkward, but I’m quiet, shy, and afraid to ask people for things or if they want to do something because i’ll get rejected. I know as a Catholic man I shoudln’t be like this, but anymore I just feel like maybe i’m just an odd duck and should just focus on God, and forget about having close relationships with a lot of people.

However, for some reason I feel this strong pull that I want to have a family. I feel like I want to share a life with someone. It’s why i’m getting my masters and basically going into another work field so I can find a good job and take care of myself and others. I want to be a provider.

So how do I overcome my fears and anxieties? Obviously prayer is going to be the main answer, but I want more concrete advice. Don’t get me wrong, prayer works. But prayer alone doesn’t get you what you want. I can pray for a spouse constantly, but unless I get out there it isn’t going to happen. Typically God doesn’t put things in our lap (as nice as that would be). So what are some tips to not be so socially awkward and hopefully live out my vocation if i’m called to marriage?

The thought occurred to me that if you let the word out in casual conversation with friends that you would like to be married one day and you are preparing for that by working toward being able to support a family women will find that interesting to say the least and may show signs that they are interested in making your acquaintance.

Annie

 

[EasterJoy]

You are quite normal; in fact, it speaks well of you that you know where your social skills could stand improvement. When you find you may possibly be falling short, encourage yourself and advise yourself how to improve, rather than berating yourself. Be a good coach to yourself, IOW. The fact that you are willing to be coached shows that you will turn out fine if you are not too stern with yourself.

Do not worry that you are a bit of an introvert. Many introverts marry and are very good spouses. You’d think they’d never be able to strike up a conversation with anyone, but when they find the person who really interests them as a spouse, they find a way to their goal, sometimes enlisting the help of an extrovert or “manufacturing chance”…people can be very ingenious when romance is their purpose! Many people who are shy as young people learn more self-confidence when they are older, too. There is no reason to believe you will no do just fine.

BTW, if you’re going to fulfill any vocation well, you need to keep developing your social skills, but especially if you’re going to have a pastoral office. This has nothing to do with whether you’re going to be a priest or not.

 

[Kal2012]

Practice. My husband was/is socially awkward. It has improved since we met, but he will never be a social butterfly. That’s fine by me, I like him for who he is. Social awkwardness doesn’t doom one to the single life. Some people find it endearing.

Yep - same w/my husband. He’s always complaining that he doesn’t have any friends, but the truth is that he does. He just doesn’t maintain relationships very well.

Introverts will never be “social butterflies”. We aren’t made that way. Regardless, I know plenty of introverts (including myself) who have successful marriages and careers.

Doing the social thing takes practice, but you need to figure out why you are participating in the activities you are spending time in. Meaning, are you living your life to follow the crowd or are you doing things you enjoy?

Sometimes, it does take awhile to find the right group of people to spend your time around. It took me about 2 years to find a mom’s group where I felt like I fit into the group. It has also taken us a long time to find our place in our community, just because it takes time to find a parish and make friends. Also, you end up losing touch with people when you move around a lot. That’s life.

Good luck to you. If you are walking God’s path, then you will find what will satisfy your soul. Sometimes, it’s just lonely and awkward. Also, most people find their spouse when they aren’t specifically looking for a date. They are just going about their own business and one day, you just know that the person you’ve just met is just amazing and you can’t imagine not spending time with them. You know something special is happening.

 

[MJJean]

BTW, if you’re going to fulfill any vocation well, you need to keep developing your social skills, but especially if you’re going to have a pastoral office. This has nothing to do with whether you’re going to be a priest or not.

Yes! I have a wonderful friend who is…a bit odd to most people. He’s literally a genius and doesn’t see things the same way those of average intelligence do. He is also naturally geeky and socially awkward. He’s had incredible difficulty getting a job, even though he is very well educated and has real world experience in his field, because he doesn’t interview well. He just doesn’t have the smoothness corporations want in their candidates. He’s taken a teaching position and I have seen a lot of improvement in him simply because he is the kind of man that cares and takes his responsibility to the kids seriously. He interacts closely with the teenagers he is teaching as well as with their parents even though this is not natural to him. He’s more or less been forced to practice social interactions in the classroom, when conferences come around, and in the staff room. That practice is paying off. It’s kind of funny, though, that I don’t see him continuing to try for positions in his field. He finally gains the skills needed to interview well, but I think he accidentally discovered his vocation and will remain a teacher.

My favorite nun ever openly admitted that she had poor interpersonal skills and had to learn and practice over time. She said she wasn’t good with children and was only marginally better with adults. I was stunned! The kids love her and us adults are constantly coming to her with our concerns. I would never have known that she had to cultivate her social skills if she hadn’t told me about it.

So, yes, social skills are important for more than just dating.

 

[IgnatiusDaughtr]

EasterJoy:

You are quite normal; in fact, it speaks well of you that you know where your social skills could stand improvement. When you find you may possibly be falling short, encourage yourself and advise yourself how to improve, rather than berating yourself. Be a good coach to yourself, IOW. The fact that you are willing to be coached shows that you will turn out fine if you are not too stern with yourself.

Do not worry that you are a bit of an introvert. Many introverts marry and are very good spouses. You’d think they’d never be able to strike up a conversation with anyone, but when they find the person who really interests them as a spouse, they find a way to their goal, sometimes enlisting the help of an extrovert or “manufacturing chance”…people can be very ingenious when romance is their purpose! Many people who are shy as young people learn more self-confidence when they are older, too. There is no reason to believe you will no do just fine.

BTW, if you’re going to fulfill any vocation well, you need to keep developing your social skills, but especially if you’re going to have a pastoral office. This has nothing to do with whether you’re going to be a priest or not.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[WildCatholic]

Also, most people find their spouse when they aren’t specifically looking for a date. They are just going about their own business and one day, you just know that the person you’ve just met is just amazing and you can’t imagine not spending time with them. You know something special is happening.

Uggh, you had to mention this:roll eyes: I’m sorry, i know this is true, but i hate when people say things like “it will happen when you stop looking.” I’m a single guy, how am I not supposed to look? Don’t get me wrong I’m not in love with every girl I see or something like that, but how is this supposed to happen? There are a few women i’d love to be with and a few who i know it wouldn’t work out, but still, it feels like I don’t even know how to start. It’s like trying to fish, but i don’t have a pole or even arms to go noodling. Like I said, very rarely does God just put a spouse in our lap, or anything for that matter.

 

[retire_early]

Lots of good advice given by all the posters here. Here’s some more:

1. Start thinking about other people and their needs, first. For example, you walk into the parish hall at a social gathering…you’re feeling all awkward and that worrying about YOURSELF. Stop! Look to the left, look to the right…find the man, woman, girl, boy, that needs a friendly word…you know, the “socially awkward” looking one who appears alone, friendless or shy. Give them something…a smile, a nod, a “hey, Hi…how are you doing today?” Does someone need a drink, a napkin, help with their plate?..step right in and offer to help. Make this a habit…think of others and what you can do for them.
2. Groups. Join. Bowling, bible study, neighborhood service projects, learn to square dance class, etc. And when you do join, don’t look for the cutest girl there. Go because you are interested in what you are doing and share that interest with all the rest (male and female) in the group. Make your goal to enjoy life with groups of people.
3. Yes, you may get married some day. Maybe not. Maybe you will join a religious order or maybe you will be a confirmed bachelor. You don’t know…only God does. Your job right now is to become a more socially relaxed person and learn how to enjoy other people. THAT is what will attract others to you, even nice young ladies.
4. And yes, stop staring! (Would you like someone to stare at you?) My brother has that habit and he’s still a bachelor after many years!

 

[Hobbes42]

Uggh, you had to mention this:roll eyes: I’m sorry, i know this is true, but i hate when people say things like “it will happen when you stop looking.” I’m a single guy, how am I not supposed to look? Don’t get me wrong I’m not in love with every girl I see or something like that, but how is this supposed to happen? There are a few women i’d love to be with and a few who i know it wouldn’t work out, but still, it feels like I don’t even know how to start. It’s like trying to fish, but i don’t have a pole or even arms to go noodling. Like I said, very rarely does God just put a spouse in our lap, or anything for that matter.

I think the whole “when you stop looking” cliche, while about as comforting as a bandaid over a shredded femoral artery, is useful in the area of introverts.

Speaking from experience of being an introvert and knowing others like myself (We huddle in the shadows where it’s quiet ) Introverts are more confident and comfortable when they’re not trying to find someone, and it is said women like the confidence…

 

[WildCatholic]

Lots of good advice given by all the posters here. Here’s some more:

1. Start thinking about other people and their needs, first. For example, you walk into the parish hall at a social gathering…you’re feeling all awkward and that worrying about YOURSELF. Stop! Look to the left, look to the right…find the man, woman, girl, boy, that needs a friendly word…you know, the “socially awkward” looking one who appears alone, friendless or shy. Give them something…a smile, a nod, a “hey, Hi…how are you doing today?” Does someone need a drink, a napkin, help with their plate?..step right in and offer to help. Make this a habit…think of others and what you can do for them.
2. Groups. Join. Bowling, bible study, neighborhood service projects, learn to square dance class, etc. And when you do join, don’t look for the cutest girl there. Go because you are interested in what you are doing and share that interest with all the rest (male and female) in the group. Make your goal to enjoy life with groups of people.
3. Yes, you may get married some day. Maybe not. Maybe you will join a religious order or maybe you will be a confirmed bachelor. You don’t know…only God does. Your job right now is to become a more socially relaxed person and learn how to enjoy other people. THAT is what will attract others to you, even nice young ladies.
4. And yes, stop staring! (Would you like someone to stare at you?) My brother has that habit and he’s still a bachelor after many years!

Thanks for the advice. It was good, though I do have some obstacles. One thing that is especially lacking is that in my area there isn’t much in the way of groups to join. I live in a fairly small town and the closest large cities are an hour away. For the most part their aren’t young single people my age. Usually they are married and have kids running around and just do stuff with the older adults. However, I’m sure I can find something. It’s just hard because anymore it seems like a lot of people are so self centered these days and never move beyond themselves or their tiny group of friends. I mean in my grandparents day and even with my parents it. sounds like people were more open and friendly. Now it seems like most people are either just unkind or if its my generation, they are on their phones and hanging with one or two people rather than being open to meeting new people. Sadly I’m a victim of this too except I don’t have a lot of friends.

 

[Catolico65]

WildCatholic

You could be my twin in fact because I was like you yet much worse at your age regarding social skills.

I too had an infatuation with what I considered very attractive women that made me all but unable to communicate with them.

My advice to you is to do what you are doing as a good Catholic young man and to plead daily for God to open the door for you. He will do exactly that and you shouldn’t need worrying about your confidence level. Rather, I would work on you faith in trusting that He created us man and women for a reason and also share your desires with Him, such as “what a beautiful women you have created Lord”.

BTW, I’m 48, married with 3 girls and plenty of social skills. Interestingly, I have realized real social skills come from living the Gospel and learning to love our fellow man in spite of their shortcomings, just as God loves us. Paz.