How do I politely tell someone I don't want to go out to "get to know him better"?

[Xantippe]

LOL

Yes. But see below…

I disagree with saying I’m sorry. First, reserve “I’m sorry” for appropriate times, like if one has wronged someone. DL has not, AFAIK. It also sounds like it has an explanation hanging on invisibly. “I’m sorry…(but I have to wash my cat)” and leaves it open that another time might work better.

It is a small point, but I think Bruised Reed is correct about not using “I’m sorry” unless you actually are sorry. I think using it here softens the refusal in an undesirable way.

Again, just a small quibble.

Be brief, be clear, don’t open the door to discussion.

 

[oldrover]

A lot of good suggestions here… basically, say no politely but firmly, and don’t engage in a discussion. If he persists, WARN him… if he continues, then take it to HR.

The ‘girlfriend’ disclaimer sounds like a load of bullfeathers to me. As a married guy, I would never go out one-on-one for anything at ALL with ANY woman (except a blood relative). And I would not want my wife to go out with any non-related guys either (she never would).

 

[CatholicRaven]

When I face such circumstances at my job, I tell the man that it’s awkward for me to socialize one-on-one after work with men, as it can be misconstrued and lead to workplace gossip and other workplace problems.

I make it very clear that I have a personal policy to NOT associate with male co-workers one-on-one when outside of work.

AND, this approach has been effective, and prevented workplace conflicts with these co-workers.

Well… This works fine until it’s no longer true because you meet the one guy at work you do want to socialize with outside of work. Then, when you do, you may come across as either someone who makes exceptions to her own boundaries (and other guys start thinking, “oh… hey, maybe I can be an exception, too!”), someone who doesn’t know how to simply say “no,” (and some people will try to take advantage of that), or you may even be seen as a liar. If you’re not careful, this “little white lie” of an excuse can mess up some of your career relationships in the long run (even with other women in the office). I’ve seen it happen. I really don’t recommend using an excuse like this unless it’s the real reason you are turning the guy down. Like even if your future husband worked with you, you’d say this to him, and then go find a job with another company just so you wouldn’t violate your own policy.

Seriously, though, excuses give persistent guys something to challenge. Some guys really like a challenge, and will attempt to find ways to negate or get around your excuses, and then you have to come up with more. In the long run, I’ve found it’s generally better to not give excuses at all.

Except maybe, “Because I don’t want to.” But that isn’t always a socially acceptable response, even when it’s the truth.

 

[Chayla]

Well… This works fine until it’s no longer true because you meet the one guy at work you do want to socialize with outside of work. Then, when you do, you may come across as either someone who makes exceptions to her own boundaries (and other guys start thinking, “oh… hey, maybe I can be an exception, too!”), someone who doesn’t know how to simply say “no,” (and some people will try to take advantage of that), or you may even be seen as a liar. If you’re not careful, this “little white lie” of an excuse can mess up some of your career relationships in the long run (even with other women in the office). I’ve seen it happen. I really don’t recommend using an excuse like this unless it’s the real reason you are turning the guy down. Like even if your future husband worked with you, you’d say this to him, and then go find a job with another company just so you wouldn’t violate your own policy.

Seriously, though, excuses give persistent guys something to challenge. Some guys really like a challenge, and will attempt to find ways to negate or get around your excuses, and then you have to come up with more. In the long run, I’ve found it’s generally better to not give excuses at all.

Except maybe, “Because I don’t want to.” But that isn’t always a socially acceptable response, even when it’s the truth.

There are men at work, that I might otherwise socialize with if they weren’t co-workers.

However, they fact that he DOES work with me changes the dynamic, and for that reason, I wouldn’t socialize with him one-on-one.

Most male co-workers seem VERY UNDERSTANDING when I tell them my personal policy.

I HAVE socialized with male co-workers outside of work, when it involved a GROUP, but the dynamic is different under those circumstances.

My approach does not necessarily have to apply to everyone, but it has worked very well for me, and helped avoid many problems that might result, especially work place gossip.

 

[Vanny]

Well, I’m not a guy but I find it strange that a guy who strictly wants a platonic relationship and who has a girlfriend is so persistent in continuing to ask you to “hang out” alone for drinks or whatever, especially since you have already made it politely clear that you’d rather not. Personally I can’t see his girlfriend being alright with this, either. I know I wouldn’t be, were I the girlfriend of such a guy. I think he does have romantic designs in mind.
I was in the workforce as a single woman for 20 years before I got married so I have some experience with this kind of stuff.
You could either be honest or tell him a white lie.
White Lie: " I’m sorry but I have a boyfriend that’s the jealous type who would not look kindly on me meeting another man for drinks even if it’s strictly platonic." Maybe that would spare his feelings. Or:
Truth:" I’m sorry I don’t feel comfortable going out alone for drinks with a male co-worker even if it’s strictly platonic. It might cause others coworkers to get the wrong idea." Or
Truth: " I’m sorry, thanks, but I’m not interested."
Your call. But I’d do it soon.
and if he bothers you after that-report it to HR.

 

[Vanny]

After reading through the responses I agree with the others.
A simple “no thank you I am not interested” seems the best bet.
Since you’ve already turned him down several times, and he hasn’t gotten the message, you will need to be direct, kind but firm.
And I do think this is bordering on harassment. You have a right to a work environment free oft this.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes! Exactly! “Broken record method” I love it. This works in every situation in life, not just unwanted dates. It is when people try to get you to volunteer and you are not interested, people try and ask you to an event and you are not interested, people invite you to a party and you are not interested, people ask you to help them with a project and you are unable to etc…etc…etc…

Other person: Can you go to xxxxxxxxx?

Me: “I am afraid I am unable to”

Other person:: Why not, are you busy?

Me: " I am afraid I am unable to"

Other person: Can you think about it, what is wrong, why can’t you?

Me: “I am afraid I am unable to”

Honestly I repeat myself over and over and over again with a polite smile on my face, it is honestly a broken record and eventually the other person will walk away. This works well in so many aspects of my life and is very freeing.

And don’t feel bad about using it–only a rude, thoughtless person would persist like that.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Well, that is a dilemma because you have to work with the guy. In that case I’d say, “No, I’d feel as though I were disrespecting your girlfriend.” Then if he says, “She doesn’t care” you can say, “But I do.”

DarkLight,

I think that Lily’s answer here is really great, and this is what I would say to him.

I too wouldn’t feel right doing something like this anyway, since he has a girlfriend.

 

[DarkLight]

DarkLight,

I think that Lily’s answer here is really great, and this is what I would say to him.

I too wouldn’t feel right doing something like this anyway, since he has a girlfriend.

Trouble is he’s now saying they aren’t together anymore.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Trouble is he’s now saying they aren’t together anymore.

I didn’t see that when I posted.

I agree with the others then that I would just keep telling him, “No.”

No other explanation besides that is needed. When someone refuses to take “No” for an answer, then as the others have said, you may have to go to HR if he doesn’t leave you alone, if he is persisting in bothering you during your work time.

 

[DarkLight]

But how does that change anything? You just have to keep saying you are not interested no matter what his comeback is. Do you think that is not going to work? Yes, he will probably be persistent but you will have to keep saying you are not interested.

I wonder if you are not looking for a magic answer that will keep this man away from you, that is not rude. That answer is to keep persisting telling him you are not interested. I urge you to try it I am puzzled you think it won’t work? Praying for you, this seems to be bothering you a great deal.

It’s more that I have to work with this guy. I don’t want to say something that’s going to end up causing issues when I have to work with this person.

 

[Vanny]

I will say this and then I will bow out.
I like Monicad’s solution. I would employ that.
And then if he continues to persist, I would take it to HR, as that is harassment.
You may not see it this way, but it is.
That is what I would do.

 

[Xantippe]

I will say this and then I will bow out.
I like Monicad’s solution. I would employ that.
And then if he continues to persist, I would take it to HR, as that is harassment.

Right.

 

[mdleagedguy]

It’s more that I have to work with this guy. I don’t want to say something that’s going to end up causing issues when I have to work with this person.

Your co-worker is counting on you to think this way. This is precisely what allows him to get away with harassing you. He very clearly has a romantic interest in you, which he denies for the purpose of not crossing the line into obvious sexual harassment. But he has hopes. The thing is, HE is the one putting you in an awkward situation, and the implication is he will turn the tables and say YOU are the one making it awkward if you stand up to him. This is how manipulative people operate. But it only works if you buy into it. Monicad’s advice is sound.

 

[Lou2U]

Trouble is he’s now saying they aren’t together anymore.

As far as your response goes, that doesn’t change anything. Tell him no, and if he asks again, tell him you would like it if he would respect your answer and stop asking you.

Lou

 

[jmcrae]

It’s more that I have to work with this guy. I don’t want to say something that’s going to end up causing issues when I have to work with this person.

Do you think he will sabotage your work if he figures out that you don’t like him?

If so, then simply mention to your supervisor (or his, if he is your supervisor) that he seems to be trying to ask you out and that you aren’t interested. That way when he does something it won’t come as a surprise to them and they will be on your side c

 

[The_Old_Maid]

Upon reflection, we’re missing a few details.

How many times so far has he asked you?

How many times has he dropped in to your office and taken up time talking but didn’t ask that particular time?

How long does he stay in your space?

Does he do this with more women than just you?

If he has asked out other women, what was their response?

Is he socially awkward/clueless or self-aware/a smooth operator?

In terms of power, what is his position, relative to yours?

Does anyone else in the office know about this?

If yes, what is their reaction? (pity, annoyance, snickering, alarm, what?)

What consequences do you predict, for himself, and for you?

…

If you have a dependable ally (at work or elsewhere), here’s a quick way to at least deal with it one day at a time. Type up some e-mail drafts to the effect of “He’s in my cubicle again” with different wording if “He’s in my cubicle again and asked me out again” and so forth. Keep them in your e-mail’s Draft folder. If it happens again, click and send one of those e-mails to the ally. The ally then calls you on the phone, giving you the chance to excuse yourself that you have to get back to work. Each e-mail will have a date-and-time stamp, making a quick (although not thorough) paper trail.

 

[DarkLight]

I’ll answer more later, but I’m in retail, not an office job.

 

[MParedon]

Him: Want to go out to dinner?

You: No

Him: Why?

You: I don’t feel like it. Thanks for asking though.

REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT

Him: I want to get to know you as a friend

You: We have really different personalities, we’ll be better off co-workers.

Him: Objection

You: Like I said. Bye

REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT

Him: Why don’t you want to be friends?

You: I’m fine with the friends I have, I’m not looking to expand the amount. Why don’t you hang out with x (guy coworker)?

 

[spunjalebi]

I think it’s come down to the fact you’re hoping this guy will somehow see reason and change his behavior. A lot of people here have mentioned good ideas to follow through with, but if you aren’t willing to consider any of those things your choices are to deal with it, transfer to a different department, or quit.

It doesn’t matter there’s romantic inclinations. I had a supervisor who was harassing me, making unwanted and unprofessional comments about the fact I’m a woman, and kept doing it until I did something about it. He was no longer my supervisor after I reported him, and I don’t know know what other consequences there were. All I know is I wanted it to stop.