How do I politely tell someone I don't want to go out to "get to know him better"?

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DarkLight

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So I have a guy at work who keeps asking me to go places with him to get to know him better. He’s said this is non-romantic and he has a girlfriend. The trouble is I just plain don’t want to. I don’t like him, and not just in the sense of not liking him “that way.” It’s getting tiring trying to come up with reasons why I can’t go out with him, especially ones that won’t backfire if I end up going to dinner after work with someone else at some point. How can I politely but firmly say, no, I don’t particularly want to do anything with you, in a way that doesn’t leave him thinking “maybe next time”?
 
DarkLight said:
So I have a guy at work who keeps asking me to go places with him to get to know him better. He’s said this is non-romantic and he has a girlfriend. The trouble is I just plain don’t want to. I don’t like him, and not just in the sense of not liking him “that way.” It’s getting tiring trying to come up with reasons why I can’t go out with him, especially ones that won’t backfire if I end up going to dinner after work with someone else at some point. How can I politely but firmly say, no, I don’t particularly want to do anything with you, in a way that doesn’t leave him thinking “maybe next time”?
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So sleazy.

How about, “I don’t think your girlfriend would like that, Steve. I know I wouldn’t.”
 
“I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. I am just not interested in ever doing anything with you.”
 
The difficulty I’m having is that a direct “I’m not interested” seems more like what you would say to a romantic suitor. “No I’m not interested in being friends” just seems…a lot meaner, I guess, than “I’m not interested in dating you.” Especially since he says he has a girlfriend and that she’s ok with this.
 
DarkLight said:
The difficulty I’m having is that a direct “I’m not interested” seems more like what you would say to a romantic suitor. “No I’m not interested in being friends” just seems…a lot meaner, I guess, than “I’m not interested in dating you.” Especially since he says he has a girlfriend and that she’s ok with this.
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No really. I have had woman at work ask me to do things after work and I told them ‘That is kind of you to ask, but it is important that I keep my personal and professional life seperate’

It sounds like unless you decide to be firm, the problem will not go away
 
Anglewannabe said:
No really. I have had woman at work ask me to do things after work and I told them ‘That is kind of you to ask, but it is important that I keep my personal and professional life seperate’

It sounds like unless you decide to be firm, the problem will not go away
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The trouble here is that there are other coworkers I would like to hang out with after work. He’s just decidedly not one of them. So I need a way to say it’s him, specifically, I don’t want to spend time with, without being rude.
Crusaderbear said:
How about “how many s’s in harassment?”
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I don’t think it’s at that level yet. The trouble is I don’t feel like I know how to say directly “I don’t want to hang out with you ever” without being rude. So I’ve been saying things like “I’m sorry I’m busy that night” or “I can’t because of my ride” or whatnot, and he’s interpreting that as “try again later.”
 
Lily_Bernans said:
I’m sorry, but I don’t date people I work with.
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The thing is, he’s insisting it’s not a date and he just wants to be friends. (I’m 50-50 on that but honestly it doesn’t matter.) And I do want to hang out and be friends with coworkers, just not with him.
 
Well, personally, I wouldn’t “go out” alone with a guy as friends. Not now as a married woman, and almost never when I was single. As a general rule, I consider most one on one outings with guys to be dates, with few exceptions. Friendships with men, whether they are co-workers, or otherwise in my path, are always group friendships. I don’t work, but if I did, I wouldn’t go out one on one with a male co-worker unless I was single and interested in him romantically. He can insist it’s not a date all he wants, but it would still feel like a date to me. So if I were in your position, I would say something like, “sorry, but the way I see it, you are describing dating. No offense, but I don’t really seek out friendships with guys that way.” Now if this doesn’t match the way you are with guys then you might have to be more direct and say something like, “thanks, I appreciate the offer, but I’d rather not,” and if pushed, “the chemistry just isn’t right,” and if pressed that he’s not looking for romance, say, “even platonic friends have chemistry. Nothing personal, it’s just not a great match.” You could always be truly blunt and just tell him to back off altogether, but if the guy isn’t a total stalker, he should be able to take the slightly gentler “no” for an answer.
 
DarkLight said:
The trouble here is that there are other coworkers I would like to hang out with after work. He’s just decidedly not one of them. So I need a way to say it’s him, specifically, I don’t want to spend time with, without being rude.
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Well, there is absolutely no way to say it without creating an akward moment, so sadly, you will just have to say something like ‘I really would appreciate if you quit asking me to hang out’.

There are times in life one has to be rude
 
DarkLight said:
The thing is, he’s insisting it’s not a date and he just wants to be friends. (I’m 50-50 on that but honestly it doesn’t matter.) And I do want to hang out and be friends with coworkers, just not with him.
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Well, that is a dilemma because you have to work with the guy. In that case I’d say, “No, I’d feel as though I were disrespecting your girlfriend.” Then if he says, “She doesn’t care” you can say, “But I do.”
 
DarkLight said:
The trouble here is that there are other coworkers I would like to hang out with after work. He’s just decidedly not one of them. So I need a way to say it’s him, specifically, I don’t want to spend time with, without being rude.
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“Let’s go as a group!”

And make sure to have a buddy.
 
DarkLight said:
So I have a guy at work who keeps asking me to go places with him to get to know him better. He’s said this is non-romantic and he has a girlfriend. The trouble is I just plain don’t want to. I don’t like him, and not just in the sense of not liking him “that way.” It’s getting tiring trying to come up with reasons why I can’t go out with him, especially ones that won’t backfire if I end up going to dinner after work with someone else at some point. How can I politely but firmly say, no, I don’t particularly want to do anything with you, in a way that doesn’t leave him thinking “maybe next time”?
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Tell him how you feel about the situation, By rights he should respect your thoughts and decision
 
Lily_Bernans said:
Well, that is a dilemma because you have to work with the guy. In that case I’d say, “No, I’d feel as though I were disrespecting your girlfriend.” Then if he says, “She doesn’t care” you can say, “But I do.”
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👍
 
I see this a bit more starkly than some.

What the guy is doing is harassment – no ifs, ands, or buts. He’s trying to circumvent it by saying “we’re just friends,” but it’s still harassment.

I know a pretty young woman who works at a large company where she is constantly getting hit on, sometimes by guys who pester/ask more than once. She doesn’t really like it but is too mild.

Her immediate boss told her, and I think it’s good advice: She must, when this happens:
  1. Tell the offender, in the strongest possible terms, “if you ask me again I am reporting this to administration as harassment, so don’t ever bother me again.”
  2. If he does ask again, actually report him. Being hit on at work, more than once, is IMHO absolutely grounds to report the offender.
 
You could test whether his intentions are friendship or verging on sleazy by next time he asks you to go out with him say something like…oh will your girlfriend be going too…?.if its just a friendship then he wont object to bringing his girlfriend right?..

You could turn him down by saying that you only go.out with guys on group outings, not alone or something like that…
 
Those are all good proposed courses of action.

The one thing to not do any more is to make the kind of excuse you made so far.

If you say “No thank you” with the emphasis on “No” and swivel to go away, breaking eye contact, or put your head right down to do some work, that should be quite enough for a straightforward bloke. If he asks “why not”, he has given the game away. No explanation or reason is owed whatever. Then consider putting some of the above into action.

With some people, a phrase like “take a break” might work - might not though.

Do you have trusted allies in management who could if need be tactfully steer him onto the right path if he shows signs of retaliating? Be sure to explain to them all the previous occasions as well. Explain that you would value the opportunity to further update them in future if needed. It is likely that a knee-jerk reaction on their part is not what you are looking for but that you want them to be very discreet. (But difficult to try if they don’t appear trustworthy enough.)

The group thing is very important. Always be seen to only do things with colleagues in groups, unless perhaps one or at most two of your own sex with whom you are perceived to share an ultra boring and abstruse hobby.
 
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