How do I put my fiancee at ease when asking her to pray with me?

[savedOneByFaith]

We just recently went through pre-cana classes, and we have discovered that there is something that is very different between the both of our spirituality. I grew up in a family that, through all their brokenness, prayed together. Non-judgementally speaking, my soon to be wife’s family is Catholic on Christmas, Easter, at Funerals and Weddings. Outside of that, her parents were not spiritual leaders to her, and expected that sending her to Catholic school would “take care of that” part of her life and shore it up. I recently asked her to pray with me on our prayer list for a friend of ours that is having problems. This was met not only with great resistance, but an accusation that I was going to leave her for for a priestly vocation. How do I go about calming her fears and showing her that husbands are to be spiritual leaders in their own households. Further, how do I help her to understand and actually have a take away from this?

Blessings!

-savedOneByFaith

 

[silicasandra]

I’ll be watching this thread with interest. I would like to pray more with my husband but both of us feel very awkward about it. We say grace together and pray together at Mass, and we do pray individually, but just find it “weird” to do more than that. We both grew up in homes where prayer was treated as “private” and it can be really hard to overcome that.

That being said, you might want to start with something like grace when you go out to dinner or attending Mass together if you don’t already. If you haven’t picked the readings for your wedding yet, maybe you could read some options and discuss them together, focusing on how they shed light on how to be good spouses for each other.

 

[mt77061]

I would never have guessed from the title of your post what the ending would’ve been (about the accusation you’re more inclined to the priesthood than for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony).

It goes without saying that some people feel closer to spirituality than others.

I believe it was St. Rita that wished to become a sister (nun), but during the times she lived was compelled to marriage. She was only able to devote herself to the life of a religious after she had been widowed.

As I understand your post, it seems that your fiancee isn’t that familiar with your spirituality, and I think that should be explored more (so that y’all aren’t too frequently at loggerheads in the future).

But, in the short term I’d assure her that you love her, and ask her to pray with you some of the more well-known prayers (the Lord’s Prayer, the Hail Mary) while you individually (and mentally) recall your prayer list.

Two other things:

1. You might try to explore if you are trying to make a private prayer time with her “too formal”, which might be off-putting.
2. You might see if you can foster a “prayer partner” relationship with someone else, preferably with someone she wouldn’t feel jealous of. Maybe see if there is something online.

Those are just my immediate thoughts about it.

(P. S., my best friend is not Catholic. I live in Houston, TX. I have several different small prayers that I say “under my breath”, as it were, when I pass cemeteries, Protestant churches, those little crosses at the side of the road where a person was killed by a motorist. I can “have my spirituality” without trying to “dominate” others, whose beliefs may be different than my own.)

 

[savedOneByFaith]

That’s great advice. We already say grace together, albeit that one of us may be an unwilling accomplice at times. We attend mass together, and I often wonder what her takeaway is from the Mass. I pray for her, that the Lord will open her heart up and show her that He is here and glorious and wants her to know Him. I know that He hears me, and I know that He is working… Mass on Sunday has gone from an argument to the norm.

Maybe applying the formulary from the pre-cana classes on communication?

When you ___ it makes me feel ___. What I really need from you is to ___.

We’ll see how it goes, but I know this is something we’re going to have to deal with at some point. To me, it’s one of the ultimate acts of intimacy, akin to the sexual intimacy within sacramental marriage.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Outside of meals, my wife and I never prayed with our families growing up. She didn’t go to Catholic schools so she even missed out on that added daily prayer that I got. Once we got into our mid to late teen years, neither of us attended Mass regularly. When we got married, we carried on about the same as we did before: praying at most meals, going to Church on some of the big holidays, but that was about it.

When I started reinvigorating my faith, one thing that kept coming to mind was that I wanted us to pray together more as a family. I finally decided that I thought the Rosary would be the best thing for us, but I couldn’t figure out the best way to ask my wife & family to say it with me. I finally decided that asking was the worst way to go about it. I told them one evening that we were going to start saying the Rosary together. I said, “We’re Catholic, we’re expected to pray and I’ve decided there’s no good reason not to do it.” I didn’t entertain any (name removed by moderator)ut or objections. I grabbed my rosary, had the kids grab theirs and we started praying it. My wife wasn’t completely on board at first, but now she’s much more open to it and even participates most nights.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We just recently went through pre-cana classes, and we have discovered that there is something that is very different between the both of our spirituality. I grew up in a family that, through all their brokenness, prayed together. Non-judgementally speaking, my soon to be wife’s family is Catholic on Christmas, Easter, at Funerals and Weddings. Outside of that, her parents were not spiritual leaders to her, and expected that sending her to Catholic school would “take care of that” part of her life and shore it up. I recently asked her to pray with me on our prayer list for a friend of ours that is having problems. This was met not only with great resistance, but an accusation that I was going to leave her for for a priestly vocation. How do I go about calming her fears and showing her that husbands are to be spiritual leaders in their own households. Further, how do I help her to understand and actually have a take away from this?

Blessings!

-savedOneByFaith

Make sure she really believes and isn’t just faking it. It sounds like she’s pretty threatened by anything that seems too spiritual. A simple prayer for a friend and she thinks you want to be a priest?? Wow. I would be quite cautious about marrying until you are sure you’re not going to be dragging her to church or having her fight you to even pray in the house. This is almost akin to being unequally yoked.

 

[maryjk]

We just recently went through pre-cana classes, and we have discovered that there is something that is very different between the both of our spirituality. I grew up in a family that, through all their brokenness, prayed together. Non-judgementally speaking, my soon to be wife’s family is Catholic on Christmas, Easter, at Funerals and Weddings. Outside of that, her parents were not spiritual leaders to her, and expected that sending her to Catholic school would “take care of that” part of her life and shore it up. I recently asked her to pray with me on our prayer list for a friend of ours that is having problems. This was met not only with great resistance, but an accusation that I was going to leave her for for a priestly vocation. How do I go about calming her fears and showing her that husbands are to be spiritual leaders in their own households. Further, how do I help her to understand and actually have a take away from this?

Blessings!

-savedOneByFaith

Maybe you need to talk to her about what it means to be a spiritual leader.

I remember a friend once asked me to pray with them. What they really meant was for me to listen while they prayed. There was no with them. I was expected to sit there with my mouth shut while they went through their list of what they wanted to pray for.

If she has ever had an experience like this or maybe someone wanted to pray with her and ended up becoming a priest. You never know.

Step one? Talk to her about it.

 

[savedOneByFaith]

Make sure she really believes and isn’t just faking it. It sounds like she’s pretty threatened by anything that seems too spiritual. A simple prayer for a friend and she thinks you want to be a priest?? Wow. I would be quite cautious about marrying until you are sure you’re not going to be dragging her to church or having her fight you to even pray in the house. This is almost akin to being unequally yoked.

I wouldn’t go that far to consider it to be nearing “unequally yoked.” Jumping to that conclusion seems a bit draconian. It is a difficult situation, and I know she has had some crises of faith, including losing her mother at a young age. I think modelling faith and praying for her would be a more appropriate solution. I have prayerfully considered our marriage, and I have seen progress on some things. We didn’t exactly start out on the right foot, either. I ask to not be judged here, but for financial reasons, we moved to cohabitation after 8 years of dating, 3 of which we spent separated by 2500 miles. At this point, I know she truly believes, but the concept of a real and personal relationship with her savior sometimes seems to elude her. Furthermore, I’m free to do whatever I want in the way of prayer in our household. The only missing part here is sharing my spirituality with her.

 

[silicasandra]

Make sure she really believes and isn’t just faking it. It sounds like she’s pretty threatened by anything that seems too spiritual. A simple prayer for a friend and she thinks you want to be a priest?? Wow. I would be quite cautious about marrying until you are sure you’re not going to be dragging her to church or having her fight you to even pray in the house. This is almost akin to being unequally yoked.

I don’t know about that. If my husband would have asked me to do something like that, even though I had converted, it would have struck me as “weird” even though I have no problem praying on my own. Praying with another person just seemed so incredibly intimate (which it is) and in my house growing up it was something you just didn’t do - only crazy people who knocked on doors did stuff like that.

The priest thing may have been a joke. I could have seen the me of a few years ago making a joke like that to try and ease the tension.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I wouldn’t go that far to consider it to be nearing “unequally yoked.” Jumping to that conclusion seems a bit draconian. It is a difficult situation, and I know she has had some crises of faith, including losing her mother at a young age. I think modelling faith and praying for her would be a more appropriate solution. I have prayerfully considered our marriage, and I have seen progress on some things. We didn’t exactly start out on the right foot, either. I ask to not be judged here, but for financial reasons, we moved to cohabitation after 8 years of dating, 3 of which we spent separated by 2500 miles. At this point, I know she truly believes, but the concept of a real and personal relationship with her savior sometimes seems to elude her. Furthermore, I’m free to do whatever I want in the way of prayer in our household. The only missing part here is sharing my spirituality with her.

On that point, your situation is very serious. I know it well. My husband thinks there is a wall between us - I feel like it’s a canyon. Or maybe that we are on 2 different planets. I cannot discuss my spiritual life with him. We don’t pray together. I can’t talk to him about the Church, the Pope, Church history, or the Bible. It’s a HUGE part of my life that is effectively off-limits with him. I didn’t choose it, because neither of us considered ourselves to even BE Catholic when we married. But once I reverted…Well, as I deepen my faith, more and more of who I am overlaps with my belief in God, Jesus, the Church and Her Magisterium. The Venn diagram of those topics does NOT intersect with my husband at all. But we are 23 years into our marriage, and of course divorce is not in my vocabulary, so we stumble on. One of the main reasons I joined this forum is so that I could share my faith with other Catholics, because I can’t do that at home.

However, you are already bonded to this woman, so marry her. And work on it. Get her a green scapular, have it blessed and pray for her every day. If she’ll wear it, so much the better. If not, hide it under her side of the mattress, and pray.

 

[bstorm]

I do not have a good advice, more of a comment - i would personally be very careful about making somebody pray with me, even if that somebody was my husband or a wife. Your future wife’s faith is her own responsibility, not yours and I would respect her boundaries. I think it does not hurt to invite her to pray a rosary with you, but if she tells you no, respect her no and do not push things. Once in a while, repeat the invitation - tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she prayed with you, but let her do what she wants. Prayer and the relationship with God is something very personal and you need to meet her where she is. You cannot make her grow in her faith or the expression of her faith, she needs to do it herself. Making your wife to pray with you is truly not your job nor the responsibility as a husband.

 

[savedOneByFaith]

I do not have a good advice, more of a comment - i would personally be very careful about making somebody pray with me, even if that somebody was my husband or a wife. Your future wife’s faith is her own responsibility, not yours and I would respect her boundaries. I think it does not hurt to invite her to pray a rosary with you, but if she tells you no, respect her no and do not push things. Once in a while, repeat the invitation - tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she prayed with you, but let her do what she wants. Prayer and the relationship with God is something very personal and you need to meet her where she is. You cannot make her grow in her faith or the expression of her faith, she needs to do it herself. Making your wife to pray with you is truly not your job nor the responsibility as a husband.

Oh, I agree. Expression of faith and her relationship with God is her own responsibility. There are things where I would like for her to share. There’s no way any one person can push it onto anyone, but the Holy Spirit can intervene, and come into her life. It is the work of the Holy Spirit to open her heart. I think I shall begin inviting her to pray with me.

 

[Kelfa28]

This is a tough topic and I wish I had better advice but I will share my experience.

My husband and I don’t exactly pray together. We both believe that prayer is private for the both of us. We talked about this during our pre-cana classes. We do say grace at meals and pray during Mass together but nothing beyond that.

Before I’m scolded and reminded that “the family that prays together, stays together” I will say that the bible and Catholicism, in general, is an open topic that is discussed daily between the two of us.

The bible comes out very often and we do read passages together, we have fun with Catholic trivia questions and have deep discussions about our faith together. We aren’t private about our faith but we just don’t pray together. I say my rosary on my own and I pray on my own. I don’t really wish to change this either.

 

[maryjk]

I recently asked her to pray with me on our prayer list for a friend of ours that is having problems. This was met not only with great resistance, but an accusation that I was going to leave her for for a priestly vocation. How do I go about calming her fears and showing her that husbands are to be spiritual leaders in their own households. Further, how do I help her to understand and actually have a take away from this?

Blessings!

-savedOneByFaith

Oh, I agree. Expression of faith and her relationship with God is her own responsibility. There are things where I would like for her to share. There’s no way any one person can push it onto anyone, but the Holy Spirit can intervene, and come into her life. It is the work of the Holy Spirit to open her heart. I think I shall begin inviting her to pray with me.

Um, you already tried that, and it didn’t work. It sounds like you need a different approach.

 

[savedOneByFaith]

Um, you already tried that, and it didn’t work. It sounds like you need a different approach.

Last time was a different season in her life. Now may be a better time in her life. My fiancee had been mad at God for taking her mother away from her in this life for a long time, and the relationship is slowly being repaired. I may have asked her last time before she was ready. Prayer for me is also a very private thing, but has always been something I had expected to do with my spouse. No offense intended, but I always viewed open prayer as a Protestant practice, where Catholics are more the private prayer type. There are a number of things that could have gone wrong with the way I approached it before. I am also willing to accept the fact that she may not be at the point in her spiritual life where she is ready to pray together. This may be a private thing for her and that’s that. I slept on this and prayed on it, and I drew a conclusion: I need to be willing to accept and be grateful for whatever happens with this, as it is an item beyond my control. It’s in the hands of of a Sovereign and all-knowing God, so I have to let Him do His thing.