How do I respond to niece marrying outside the Church

[TJWeger]

Hello all,

My wife’s niece is getting married next fall to a Jewish man. She was raised Catholic and neither are practicing their respective faiths. The wedding will be with a justice of the peace, secular.

Being her confirmation sponsor, my wife reached out to her niece a number of years ago about her faith realizing that she was getting serious with this Jewish man. My wife was aware that her niece was rarely, if ever, attending Mass anymore. She let her know she’s praying for her, any support she needs, etc. Her niece responded by complaining to her mother that her aunt was making her “feel guity”. Her mother told my wife to back off.

We are pussycats. If anything, we don’t rock the boat. My wife was very careful in how she approached her niece.

My wife insists we should attend the wedding as we don’t know what is in her heart, whether she has disavowed being Catholic altogether, etc. My question is, what the heck do I say to her and her husband in the congratulations line after the secular wedding? The only thing I can think to say is to congratulate them on their commitment to one another.

 

[TJWeger]

Thank you, Monicad. Wishing happiness…good one.

We had planned to bring our children who are 12-19. I think the older ones know this is a poor choice and, depending on my nieces state of mind/soul, could be a kind of act of sacrilege. But I will discuss it charitably with all of them giving my niece the benefit of the doubt. I will make this a teaching moment for them of what NOT to do and why.

 

[TheTrinitySaves]

You can simply say “I wish you much happiness” which would be kind and truthful. As for attending the wedding there is nothing wrong with that either, the only caution would be if you had impressionable children I would think carefully before bringing them to the wedding and causing confusion and scandal. God bless.

I agree with your first point, but your second point seems rather silly. If you cannot expose children to a non catholic wedding, then what can you expose them to. Her neice unfortunaley is not practicing anymore. That decison is none of your concern if she wished not to discuss it. Just wish them a happy marriage, thats all that you need to say.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I agree with your first point, but your second point seems rather silly. If you cannot expose children to a non catholic wedding, then what can you expose them to. Her neice unfortunaley is not practicing anymore. That decison is none of your concern if she wished not to discuss it. Just wish them a happy marriage, thats all that you need to say.

I agree with you that the second point is not good but for different reasons. If a behaviour would cause scandal to a child, I can help but think adults should not partake in it regardless of whether or not children are involved

 

[Anglewannabe]

Being her confirmation sponsor, my wife reached out to her niece a number of years ago about her faith realizing that she was getting serious with this Jewish man. My wife was aware that her niece was rarely, if ever, attending Mass anymore. She let her know she’s praying for her, any support she needs, etc. Her niece responded by complaining to her mother that her aunt was making her “feel guity”. Her mother told my wife to back off.
.

Did your wife ever tell you niece’s mother that she was ASKED to be her confirmation sponsor and she is treating that responsibility seriously?

This made me think of a good point. If ever I am asked again to be a sponsor, I will let the person and their parents know that I will probably remind the child to practice the faith years later

 

[Rau]

I…If you cannot expose children to a non catholic wedding, then what can you expose them to…

Just for clarity - I don’t believe the “non-Catholic wedding” is the cause of concern for the OP, but rather the “non-Catholic wedding for a Catholic”.

 

[TJWeger]

Did your wife ever tell you niece’s mother that she was ASKED to be her confirmation sponsor and she is treating that responsibility seriously?

This made me think of a good point. If ever I am asked again to be a sponsor, I will let the person and their parents know that I will probably remind the child to practice the faith years later

Well, I think my wife’s sister, who is a practicing Catholic, doesn’t understand the responsibility of the sponsor extending beyond the day of Confirmation. I suspect she was embarrassed that my wife was “stepping in” with the situation.

It is interesting to note that my wife’s niece as well as others who have left the Catholic Church in our family all went to Catholic school through high school. This seems to be so common and such a shame. Of course, it doesn’t always have anything to do with the parents and upbringing of faith in the family, but geez, shouldn’t more parents understand that Catholic school educates but does not necessarily infuse the faith in the children. That is more effective when worked on in the home-life of the child. My wife’s sister once lamented that maybe she shouldn’t have sent her children to Catholic school. My response would be…no…but make sure it’s a constant presence in the home life, regular prayer, dinners together, sharing questions of faith, learning of the saints, so much!..not everbearing, of course. My impression is that my wife’s sister had an assurance that the schooling would do it all.

 

[TJWeger]

Just for clarity - I don’t believe the “non-Catholic wedding” is the cause of concern for the OP, but rather the “non-Catholic wedding for a Catholic”.

Yep,non-Catholic wedding. No church/religion at all. As I understand, they won’t be married in the eyes of the Church as my niece was raised Catholic and hasn’t officially changed to anything. Just non-practicing.

 

[Rau]

Well, I think my wife’s sister, who is a practicing Catholic, doesn’t understand the responsibility of the sponsor extending beyond the day of Confirmation. I suspect she was embarrassed that my wife was “stepping in” with the situation.

I for one am not across those responsibilities, and I’d suggest nor are most. Perhaps your wife did need to address the matter more slowly.

 

[TJWeger]

I for one am not across those responsibilities, and I’d suggest nor are most. Perhaps your wife did need to address the matter more slowly.

Yes, I think you are right. Though she did it lovingly and told her niece it was meant from the heart as her Confirmation sponsor, it was done by email expecting to prompt a conversation. In retrospect, not the way to go. The niece lives far away and not an easy person to catch in person, and my wife wanted to do something as she was learned from her sister that her neice was not going to Mass anymore and getting close to engagement with the Jewish man.