Im 35.
I’m married.
I still struggle with these issues. This is one of the most universal areas of temptation.
A point to remember is this:
Temptation and sin are two different things.
Your thoughts only become a sin when you deliberately choose to revel in them. this requires 2 things:
- the knowlegde that the action or thought is sinfull
- deliberate, free choice of the will to engage in the act.
If you have not chosen to entertain and follow the thought it is a temptation not a sin.
If on the other hand you feel tempted, and freely choose to dwell on the thought and explore it in your mind taking enjoyment from the process than yes this is the sin as Jesus describes (at your age it is Fornication not Adultery unless the object of your fantasies is married… but that’s little more than nit-picking.)
St. Francis de Sales in his book "The introduction to the devout life describes this exact point in an analogy of a married lady being approached by suitors.
It is not sin for her if she is propositioned
If she enjoys the proposition and entertains the suitor she is entering the “Near occasion of sin” which in itself may or may not be a minor (venial) sin. particularly depending on the situation (public or private, is she leading him on or merely being polite in an appropriate or necessary way etc.)
If she revels in the attention and seeks it out, leading such suitors on then she is most certainly being adulterous even before she brings a suitor to her bedroom.
St Francis says that the same applies to our thoughts.
If we reject such a thought as soon as it enters our mind we have committed no sin.
If we let these thoughts in and examine them we may be entering the near occasion of sin. - but even that may not be immediately sinfull
If we revel in the thoughts. Look at the girls and women around us in their summer clothes and choose to “undress them with our eyes” or think about how good it would feel to do so physically. If we consider them not as people to serve and Love (by love think more how a parent loves their child - by service and devotion, expecting nothing in return) - but rather look at them as someone who would be able to serve me by fulfilling my sexual or other desires.
This thought process is sinfull. It comes between you and God. It comes between you and the ability to form proper loving relationships with Gods People around you.
On another note: depending on your place on your own spiritual journey - it may be appropriate to use some form of mortification at times of temptation. - however this must be discussed with a spiritual director or confessor first.
When I was your age I asked the Lord to help me to Love all his children equally.
He helped me to see the inner beauty of the girls and boys around me. this really helped to get past the purely visual attraction, and appreciate them for their whole person, not just their sexual appearance.
Remember that every girl you meet is a Princess. An Heiress to Christ’s throne. Many of those who are christians have accepted this calling. the others do not know it but are equally called to that inheritance. You are a prince - an heir to that same throne. If you would marry a princess you should act like a prince with chivilary and manners to all those around you. - not just when you feel like it.
Chastity is a virtue. It is a Gift the Lord will grant you if you ask him for it. Pray for it every day. every time you pray, and every time you are tempted.
Approaching the world by reveling in the near occasion of sin, and seeing how far you can go without taking your trousers off is not chastity. It can cause damage that you wont realise until you have married. -
Living with a chaste mindset now will help you to develop your sexuality as you grow into a man so you will become a man in control of his sexuality and will have the choice of marriage or celibacy - however the Lord calls you.
