How do I stop ruminating

[carmel2013]

Hello:

I could definitely use some advice. I keep ruminating about past hurts from an in-law. I forgive the person in the sense that if that person needed my help with anything I would give it wholeheartedly. I wish that person the very best and do not wish the person any harm whatsoever.

However…

Whenever I know I’m going to a family function, I start rehashing in my mind all that has gone on before: “Why did that person say that?” “If only I could tell him/her…” (It’s never a good opportunity to do so, particularly now with the head-of-the-family in failing health and likely to leave this earthly life sometime this year. The family has enough to deal with right now.)

There are many things that were said over the years, mainly criticisms of my career and parenting decisions. When they were originally uttered, I was too shocked to believe they were actually said. Also, I was too angry to be able to come up with a calm response without wrecking the entire gathering. (I am currently the only inlaw in the clan. There was one very messy divorce years ago. At that time, I saw what happened to the other in-law and his family and promised myself I would not let that happen to me and mine.)

Yes, I should let it go, but how?

Thanks in advance for the advice – and prayers.

 

[heidi_storage]

Break it down into parts:

1. You don’t want to obsess over past wrongs beforehand. So, when a thought comes into your head, acknowledge it and then think of something else. You’ll have to do this several times, but eventually you can train yourself to stop having useless conversations in your head. You may have to experiment with what works best–remembering a funny story, counting by twos, saying a prayer or memorized poem, whatever. Don’t be discouraged by slow progress, as habits of thinking are very hard (but possible) to change.
2. You want to interact with the other person in the least damaging way possible. Friendly neutrality and distance are your best bets. Say “Hi, how are you?” and smile; then as soon as possible, excuse yourself to get a drink or something, and try to avoid being in conversation with this person if you think that more hurtful comments will be made. If new hurtful comments are made, you can call this person out on them–calmly, briefly, and politely–or you can simply leave the room. Family events are rarely such, however, that you will absolutely be forced into hours of deep conversation with any given person.

I hope this is helpful. Take it from me, I’ve watched my mother eaten up with bitterness over years-old wrongs, and it has done her a great deal of harm.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

If the issue is thoughts that keep coming into your head, I find that putting a rubber band on my wrist and then every time I have the thought snapping the band while saying “STOP!” in my head was a good way to train myself out of them.

I know it is not pleasant to see someone who has committed a lot of past wrongs against you at a social gathering where it is not appropriate to confront the person. I would say, avoid them and spend as much time as possible socializing with the relatives you like and get along with. If the bothersome person comes over and try to start some loaded conversation with you, just make some noncommittal answer like “Mm-hmm” and then change the subject and get away from them as soon as possible.

 

[ThomasDooley81]

I can empathise with your situation. Most of my Father’s family were estranged with us for a few years prior to his death, I won’t be specific but this had to do with a major disagreement at the time of my grandmother’s passing. At the time of his passing contact was made by one of his sisters my aunt, but due to the nature of what happened we (my mum sister and I) felt that what had went on could not be forgiven. As they did not acknowledge my dad while he was alive, so why should we allow them to mourn with us as a family was my mind set at the time. I struggled with bearing the grudge for years and recently when my mum passed the theme of forgiving and being reconciled with family keeps popping up in prayer, scripture etc. One particular Gospel passage at weekday mass really spoke to me recently and that very day I received a letter for the family member whom had contact us when dad died which prompted me to respond to set aside what has happened and forgive. I still haven’t posted the letter as the same thing has occurred with me where by I let myself dwell on the disagreement and the fallout. I know that in good conscience I cannot let this continue as how can I ask for mercy and pardon when I wrong God when I can’t do the same with my kin. I am resolved to post the letter tomorrow. Sorry for the long post I think it is only by grace from God that you (or I) can let it go and ask for peace. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.