How do I tactfully bring up chastity to a girl I’m dating?

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disciple198

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Hello everyone. 21M here, and at a play last night, I met a girl my age, and we got to talking and hit it off. We’ll be going on a date late next week. I’ve had one girlfriend, about 4 years ago, and I will admit that the two of us had sex many times. At that time, I considered myself Catholic but rationalized by telling myself I could see myself getting serious and possibly marrying the girl so it was ok. In the past few years, I’ve gotten a lot stronger in my faith, attending Mass every Sunday and other Holy Day of Obligation, and getting actively involved in my parish’s ministry.

As much as I don’t want it to be, I know that premarital sex is a mortal sin and I’ll have to abstain from it. The girl I met goes to a Catholic university, but she never mentioned anything about religion. That being said, she is more than likely Catholic, but more “cultural” than anything. She could be devout like I am, but if she was I’d guess she would have mentioned Church at some point. Therefore, this is a conversation I will have to have and one that I very well could lose her over. I know I will likely have to move quickly, because first dates will end up heading in that direction a lot of the time, and I’m not going to suddenly bring it up while we are kissing or something (if that was to happen). Anyway, in your past experiences, how did you approach this topic with people you were dating, and how did they respond? Yes, I know that I probably am better off meeting somebody at Church or through a Catholic site, but I would still like to see this girl and at least see where things go. If things were to advance to where I really got to like her, I would want to be intimate with her, don’t get me wrong. But the Church teachings are the teachings, and it’s just not something I can change.
 
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Well you could wait till the last minute to tell her. Or you could be upfront from the beginning. Or you could wait till you know her. When I was dating I tried to get the politics/religion stuff out of the way as quickly as possible because it naturally filtered people out
 
You just met her last night. You already wanting to have sex with her (though saying you can’t) seems rather lustful and extreme infatuation
 
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And if the date goes extremely well next week and she clearly wants to advance things that way, I have to catch her off guard by bringing it up right on the spot?
 
DeniseNY said:
You just met her so you don’t have to say anything.
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Exactly. Go on the date. Have a nice time. Get to know her. See if you can make it past the first several dates. IF you decide you want to date seriously THEN you can have that talk. It need not be complicated.
 
If she wants to advance to sex on the second date, and you’re waiting for marriage, you more than likely are not compatible.

This is your first date. Don’t overthink it.
 
@Dolphin I should have worded that better. I’m saying IF we were to go on a few dates and things were going well, I would naturally (like anyone else) probably be inclined to feel that way. Did I say I was going to actually do it? No I didn’t.
 
disciple198 said:
And if the date goes extremely well next week and she clearly wants to advance things that way
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Then she has shown you what she thinks of chastity until marriage, and she has saved you from having that conversation…
 
The correct time to bring it up would be when either she makes a move on you or asks you why you aren’t making one on her.
Just be direct and explain it.
And if you’re really trying to be chaste, then sitting around kissing to the point where you can’t stop and have a discussion is not a good way to go about it.

One thing that’s important to make clear is that you find her very attractive, but you are committed to living a chaste Catholic lifestyle until marriage.

If a man had ever said this to me, in just that way, then I might have been inspired by it, or at least accepting of it. I never heard anything remotely like this coming out of a man’s mouth though, and to this day have no idea if certain men who shut down romantic interludes when I was young were trying to stay chaste or whether they just found me really unattractive. I usually didn’t bother to date them any more after one bad encounter.
 
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You should wait for her to tell you and if she doesn’t then that kind of speaks for itself. You don’t have to go through with an awkward conversation at all, so the problem solves itself. No effort is required either.
 
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It is 2020. You never have to apologize for not consenting to or seeking out any level of sexual touching, let alone give advance warning that you will. Maybe 20 years ago, it was different, but the right to say “no” is establishing itself as a matter of personal self-respect for both sexes, even among the non-religious.

I’d say the answer is to wait until the question comes up. If this relationship starts heading towards marriage and if you are OK with questions generally, it will. Other than that, I’d just be open that you were once a lukewarm Catholic and now you’re serious.
 
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@PetraG Thank you. You have put things into perspective. I don’t think I’m the only person that wishes it was ok to have sex with a person you genuinely like and are serious about. But not once did I say I was going to do it, and some guy before already called me “lustful.” And one of the posters above you seems baffled that any guy would say this. This girl seems cool and we have a lot in common, and this will be my first date in years. Not wrong at all to want to know how to approach the topic that would be least likely to scare her away (if it even turns out she feels the opposite way I do. For all I know, she feels the same, and it will naturally come up later.”
 
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There was a time when you might well be concerned that a woman would wonder about your sexual orientation if you neither “tried something” or “said something.”

It is time that assumption goes away again. Just assume that modern people can assume mutual respect and that if your new interest wants to know, she’ll ask. That should become the new normal and I think even the secular world is ready for it.
 
disciple198 said:
All I wanted to know was whether it was best to bring it up right away or wait a while.
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I think it’s good that you’re thinking about this ahead of time. To answer that question, I would say definitely wait. In fact, the ideal would be that you never explicitly bring it up, but rather that she figures out your commitment to chastity through your actions, such as inviting her to Mass, taking her home but not spending alone time in her room late at night, etc.

Good luck, and have fun on your date!
 
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Dude.

It’s a first date. You need to chill out.

Take her to eat or for coffee or whatever and just talk. Ask her about her university, get to know her.

Don’t kiss her, just talk to her. At the end of the evening if you’ve had a good time, ask her if she’d like to get together again. Give her a hug if you think that is appropriate based on her answer.

Don’t put her through the inquisition, and don’t talk about chastity. It’s not appropriate on a first date, and it’s really just plain weird.

You can get a good idea of her values from simply talking to her.
 
I wouldn’t rush to conclusions if this comes up soon. Some women who have not been treated with respect come to believe that rushing into inappropriate intimacy is the way guys expect women to signal attraction. Yes, women learn that when there is no sex then the woman shouldn’t be surprised if she gets ghosted.

That needs to change, but I wouldn’t assume it has. I might actually respond with, “If we were dating earlier in my life, I would have said yes to someone I like as much as you. Now, though, I’ve come to appreciate sex as something that belongs in marriage. I have resolved not to have sex until I marry.”

If it doesn’t come up, yes, let it be.
 
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@1ke I am relaxed, and you can now as well. For all I know, I thought maybe it would be something to bring up ahead of time so that she’s not in for any surprises should things go that way. I now plan to not bring it up right away. That was the purpose of posting this, to get additional opinions.
 
disciple198 said:
Boy oh boy, was this thread a mistake. I already have people on here essentially telling me I’m sinning when I was simply asking how to approach this topic. I literally haven’t even seen this girl yet. All I wanted to know was whether it was best to bring it up right away or wait a while. I’m sorry to panic and scar everyone here.
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A first date is to get to know someone. Typically people talk about themselves and ask questions about the other person on a first date.

Obviously, your religious convictions are important to you and sound like a big part of who you are. So there is nothing wrong with sharing that you are Catholic and your faith is very important to you.

Either she will know what that means, or she won’t. She will ask questions, or she won’t. She will google Catholicism to find out what boundaries she can expect when it comes to intimacy, or she won’t.

I don’t see anything wrong with just discussing it like anything else that is important to you in your life.
 
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