How do I tactfully bring up chastity to a girl I’m dating?

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No need to jump to any conclusions. You haven’t even dated yet.
 
disciple198 said:
Anyway, in your past experiences, how did you approach this topic with people you were dating, and how did they respond?
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After reading through the responses, I think you may be charting new territory. Check back in with us next week and tell us how you went about telling her about your faith, that is, if you have to. If not, I don’t think anyone would assume that the evening was less than appealing to your date, I mean, she might just be chaste too.
 
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Considering many people DO have sex on the first date - and use Tinder apps, etc. solely for sex… I TOTALLY get your concern about when and how to bring it up. By the 2nd or 3rd date so many people today are already having sex. BUT the point that she goes to a Catholic college might be in your favor here. 🙂

As for ‘when’ - how about wait for the topic to come up in conversation in some form? Because it probably will. At some point on the 1, 2, 3rd date, the conversation will turn to a point where it will be right to bring it up.

Another idea - my son is 27 and wears a purity ring. A really cool black and silver one. It’s a great conversation starter as well as a good reminder. LOL.
 
disciple198 said:
For all I know, she feels the same, and it will naturally come up later.”
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Yes, so why the big rush /worry about it before you have even had a date! Let the talk come naturally, in it’s time, not forced ahead when she might not have any intention of even having a second date.

Don’t overthink it. Let the conversation come when it is time.
 
disciple198 said:
And if the date goes extremely well next week and she clearly wants to advance things that way, I have to catch her off guard by bringing it up right on the spot?
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Sounds like you see yourself as pretty irresistible to the ladies?
 
Walk her to her door, kiss her on the cheek and say goodnight. No explanation needed. If she pushes for more, just say “I want to get to know each other”. Maybe by a third date, you can ask how she feels about waiting gor marriage for sex with the right guy, and tell her “I have changed my heart on the issue and see the wisdom of church teaching”. See how she reacts.

Many girls push sexuality because they think men expect it and will move on if they don’t get it.
 
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Dolphin said:
You just met her last night. You already wanting to have sex with her (though saying you can’t) seems rather lustful and extreme infatuation
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Really? This is not my business not being a believer and so on but I dimly recall being young and don’t think wanting to have sex with someone can be considered considered ‘extreme infatuation’. I think it is called attraction and not at all uncommon!
 
Rau said:
Sounds like you see yourself as pretty irresistible to the ladies?
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Why are you beating up on a guy who is just trying to be chaste?

The OP already had a previous unchaste relationship with a girl, so this isn’t his first rodeo, and he sounds like he’s young. It’s not a big ego trip for him to think a sexual situation might arise again, and want to be prepared.
 
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I am usually up front about it. I would recommend not putting yourself in a tempting situation, though. In my experience, I have been up front about this and then decided it would be okay to cuddle. The problem was she wasn’t Catholic or Christian and it ended up being her trying to follow my rules because she liked me. That worked for about 5 minutes before my desire took over and I made a move and next thing I know I’m in mortal sin. Then as soon as I fulfilled that desire I wanted Christ back and realized how deceptive lust can be…Also, once you’ve already done the deed it’s hard to justify not doing it again, ESPECIALLY in the intimate moments. I just encourage you to keep this in mind. But I digress.

I would be up front. It’s easier to set boundaries before the heat is on than it is when things are getting intimate.
 
disciple198 said:
The girl I met goes to a Catholic university, but she never mentioned anything about religion. That being said, she is more than likely Catholic, but more “cultural” than anything. She could be devout like I am, but if she was I’d guess she would have mentioned Church at some point.
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Keep in mind that if things got serious and you two ended up marrying do you think she’d be okay with not using contraception and instead NFP?

Things to keep in mind when considering a potential wife. I say this not as an attack on you.
 
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Guest1 said:
Keep in mind that if things got serious and you two ended up marrying do you think she’d be okay with not using contraception and instead NFP?

Things to keep in mind when considering a potential wife. I say this not as an attack on you.
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They haven’t even gone on a first date yet and you already have them married and worrying about contraception? You’re getting way ahead of yourself here.

If the relationship gets serious enough for them to discuss marriage, they will be talking about stuff like that much farther down the line, like after several months of dating at least.
 
. . . . You’re . . . not showing much support for a brother who’s trying to do the right thing.

Sexual attraction is part of why we pick out person A to talk to and date rather than persons B, C and D who are standing right there. . . . The OP also did not express any extremely lustful sentiments.
 
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disciple198 said:
As much as I don’t want it to be, I know that premarital sex is a mortal sin and I’ll have to abstain from it.
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This line is telling.

I’d suggest spending some more time growing in your Faith before you are ready to date. Maturity in your Faith does not sound like “I want to have premarital sex, but, the church does not allow me” it sounds like “I thank God that He has led me to the truth about the puropse of the marital act.”
 
Most people would be past child bearing age if they waited until they had “full knowledge” on the Church’s teachings on sexuality.
 
At least getting past the “I wanna do it but Church says I can’t” seems logical.
 
1Lord1Faith said:
Most people would be past child bearing age if they waited until they had “full knowledge” on the Church’s teachings on sexuality.
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Yeah, I would have never gotten married. To be fair, we did not have the Internet or CAF in the olden times when I was a young person, and it’s not like there were support groups handing out copies of Theology of the Body to young people at church either. I had to just muddle the heck along the best way I knew how. I’ll admit I did not do the greatest job and made many mistakes, which is why I think the young man who started this thread deserves a LOT more encouragement than he seems to be getting.

The message I am getting from this thread is, don’t ever express to fellow Catholics that you might be sexually attracted to a person you met, or you will immediately be told you have a lust problem and shouldn’t be dating anyone until you get a grip on yourself. It’s the same lesson I internalized in my youth…don’t talk about it because you will not be treated kindly by anyone if you do, including your fellow Catholics as well as everybody else.

Attitudes like that can drive people away from the Church because they seem out of touch with human reality.

It’s one thing if a person says that he struggles with porn, or has had a whole series of un-chaste relationships, but when someone says they are planning to follow the teachings of the Church while acknowledging those are difficult (And let’s not kid ourselves, they are difficult, even for old widows like me sometimes, let alone for young people seeking a spouse) and furthermore he is going to Mass frequently, involved in Church ministry, and only has one past relationship that went off the rails when he was fairly young, there’s no reason to tell him he’s somehow not ready to date. Especially when it’s a date, not a Tindr hookup.

I wish someone had offered me constructive encouragement. Telling someone not to date or telling them they have a lust problem or an ego problem is not constructive encouragement.
 
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@Tis_Bearself last time I posted about something in here , it went fine but it was not of this nature. Clearly this time is different. And I am extremely loyal to the Church, but I like to remind some of my friends that people like some of the ones I am coming across on this particular thread are the reason people are leaving or don’t want to join the Church period.
 
Thank you guys for all your helpful advice, but the date has been cancelled. She texted me today saying that “she’s sorry, but she’s just very busy at this time and the invitation is not convenient,” with no suggestion of an alternate date, so she is clearly not interested. Thank you for all your guidance regardless. God bless you.
 
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