How do I take my 4 small children to a traditional church for mass?

[gatorsmom]

Another thread spurred me to ask this question. I have a 5 year old, 3 year old and twin 16 month old babies. My husband and I are in full communion with the church. We anticipate my getting pregnant again in the future and are open to this. We absolutely love our joyful, rich Catholic life.

However, my father still attends the very traditional parish I grew up in (three hours from where we live now). When we go to visit him, he loves for all of us to attend mass together as a family. But his church doesn’t have a cry room. And it is nearly impossible to keep all 4 children quiet and content for the often 60+ minutes of mass. My older 2 children are pretty good but the twins are just at an age which are nearly impossible! Plus, they are curious about EVERYTHING probably because I’m a stay-at-home-mom who rarely leaves. When the twins are out and about they are very CURIOUS! But during mass, they are a distraction to others praying around us, not to mention me. I get very little out of mass trying to keep them content and quiet. And because of the noise I get dirty looks from even the priest. It’s humiliating and doesn’t leave me feeling very joyfilled. Should I bring snacks into the church to keep them happy? I feed them right before I leave home but they get hungry since they are so little. When my brother and I were little, my mother used to pinch our arms to keep us quiet and behaved but the Church (And I ) don’t encourage pain or threats to keep the peace.

Admittedly, I very much enjoy the latin mass and more traditional churches but my husband and I are members of a very liberal Catholic church, because it is more relaxed about us having noisy children there.

Any suggestions?

 

[Leopard]

If you bring foods for very young children, bring non-messy foods and make sure all crumbs are thoroughly cleaned up before you leave.

 

[mfinnegan]

Wow that would be hard. Crying rooms are a great blessing for parents with small children. It is very hard to pay attention to the mass when you a constantly trying to come up with a new trick to keep them quiet. I would either go to a different parish with a crying rm or go in shifts. Its too hard on you and you cant reason with 16 mth olds. good luck!

 

[gatorsmom]

If you bring foods for very young children, bring non-messy foods and make sure all crumbs are thoroughly cleaned up before you leave.

I absolutely do this just before my twins escape and are running straight up the aisle to meet the priest in person.

Any other helpful suggestions?

 

[daeve]

Although the idea of everyone attending Mass together is wonderful, you may have to forego it until the kids are all old enough to understand where they are and how they must behave there. My kids were both pretty impossible at 16 months too, and one of them a lot longer than that. I agree, no pinching. My mother had a glare that would melt tundra, so pinching or smacking or spanking was not needed.

 

[mfinnegan]

If you bring foods for very young children, bring non-messy foods and make sure all crumbs are thoroughly cleaned up before you leave.

kind of condecending and not helpfull…im sure she knows that

 

[Leopard]

If you bring foods for very young children, bring non-messy foods and make sure all crumbs are thoroughly cleaned up before you leave.

kind of condecending and not helpfull…im sure she knows that

Not at all. Condescending would be someone chiming in and haranguing her for bringing food into church, which I am surprised hasn’t happened yet.

Also, while I have no reason to believe that she does not know this, if you have ever looked under the back pews in my parish after the last Sunday Mass, you would agree with me that some things bear with reminding. If not the OP, then other parents who may read this.

 

[Marauder]

My church doesn’t have a cry room. But many churches will have a kid-friendly Mass. I’m not talking about Masses where they change the readings or anything like that for them, but just that more kids are present and they may use a children’s choir. At my church it is the 9:00 a.m. Mass. People expect it to be a little louder during that Mass and understand the occasional noises kids make. People just make sure they take out the screaming kids. People that aren’t as kid friendly attend other Masses.

One large family (4 kids) that I know basically said that when their kids were young they just switched churches for a couple years when their kids were younger to a church with a cry room then when they were old enough switched back.

 

[HHMom]

What I think got missed her is that the church she is going to is a church she goes to once in awhile when she visits her father. This isn’t about her attending a different church it’s more about dad’s church.

While your dad might want all the kids to come to church I will suggest two things:

1. ask your dad to take a greater hand in handling the twins with you during church. One of my nicest memories of church as a child was how my dad used to bounce me on his knee. In hindsight that WAS to keep me occupied!
2. On that note, my parents used to tag team going to church over the weekend when myself and my siblings were small. Leave the twins behind with another family member who would offer to go to another Mass that weekend.

 

[RUINATION_IPA]

I don’t agree with the poster who suggests that maybe you should be leaving them at home until they’re old enough to realize what they’re doing. This breaks apart the family on a day when family unity - including the larger family of faithful - takes on a fuller meaning.

We are in a similar situation but without a twin: I have a 6 yo, 3 yo, and a 16 month old boy in a teeny tiny FSSP chapel with no cry room. This has never stopped us from attending as a family but truth be told my wife usually has to nurse the baby in the confessional or right outside the door sometimes but you do what you have to. I think sometimes we perceive that the Priest may be irritated but in reality he is probably happy to see something other than grey heads out there (I mean no offense to the wise and dignified elderly) and people after Mass usually tell us how good our children are even though there might have been quite a few distractions from them during mass. As parents our perception of how bad our kids are behaving may be falsely amplified and when I once told a traditional priest that I spent the whole mass tapping kids on the shoulder to stop whispering or to sit up or what have you he just simply said, “they’re kids - what do you expect - they’re not small adults.” This actually changed my outlook to some degree on what we should expect from our little ones.

I have something that may prove useful but it’s not scientifically proven yet… Our little 16 month old is REALLY distracting to his older siblings during the family rosary. The kids are almost continuously giggling at all the little cute things he only does when we start the rosary. I once read in one of Steve Woods books about fathers or parenting or whatever that if his little one would not sit still he would wrap him up in his arms and hold him tight - of course there would be wailing for the remainder of the rosary for the next several days but he said it gets the point across that there is a time when we should sit still or something to that effect and in a few days he’ll get the point and settle down during family prayers. Now, I know all kids are different, and I have not done this but maybe one or two times and they were weeks apart but I have noticed improvement, not a whole lot during the rosary, but during the Mass. I don’t know if there is a connection but in addition to what Steve Woods recommended I’ll whisper, “Ssshhhh!” So that he knows when he hears the “SHhhh” it’s a time to calm down and be still. This may sound like cruel and unusual punishment but I have noticed at Mass if he’s acting up I’ll just whisper the shhhh or put my finger to my lips and he’ll calm down for a while. The last two times at the TLM my wife and son actually sat through the whole mass in the PEW - imagine that I take that back - not last sunday - but the two prior ones. Just thought I would throw that out there for what it’s worth.

Just keep at it and realize that they’re kids. If they get too rowdy then take them out. But don’t sweat it - people probably aren’t as aggravated as you think and if they are then they need to a certain extent get over it and realize that even Christ said not to hinder the little ones to come to him.

 

[cathguy]

I absolutely do this just before my twins escape and are running straight up the aisle to meet the priest in person.

Any other helpful suggestions?

I suggest a book: “Legacy” by Steve Wood.

It is a book for husbands and fathers, and there is an EXCELLENT series of pages devoted to getting children to behave in Mass.

Set the expectations. Practice makes perfect.

A couple of off the cuff suggestions (I have a large and growing family too and have enjoyed some success in this area).

NEVER, EVER, EVER use the cry room. EVER. Especially at the Novus Ordo Mass. If they can behave at the Ordinary Form, there is a good chance they will behave at the Extraordinary Form. My kids hardly discern a difference at this point. Both forms are THE Mass. It is amazing to see.

The cry room is a crutch. This will be very hard to do at first, but we broke the cry room habit. I now believe that cry rooms should be banned from all Churches. Put confessionals there instead.

Sit IN FRONT. As the Mass progresses explain to the kids what is going on in hushed tones. Also, do this at home with a DVD of the Mass. Explain who Jesus is and teach them that Jesus is on the altar and that they should be reverent.

Don’t be afraid to discipline them appropriately. My youngest wants to be held by mommy during Mass. Does NOT want me. Therefore, if she cries or acts inappropriately I take her and hold her. She cries loud for a few seconds. Then I say to her quietly “if you want to go to Mommy, you have to stop crying. Are you going to stop?” She understands… she is two… She stops and goes to Mommy. Different discipline tactics work for different kids. The youngest LOVES to go to the back of the Church for “time out.” “Play time!” My son in the middle HATES it. Do what they hate when they misbehave.

NEVER, EVER be embarrassed by the kids. Embarrassment can lead to anger. Jesus wants the young ones there.

Your husband MUST take the lead on this for it to work. He should read Legacy.

My kids are some the best behaved in our Church (not bragging… it took LOTS of constant work to get there!) It wasn’t always that way. One day early in our journey our kids were being loud during Church and we were struggling a bit. A woman made a very snarky comment. Afterwards I noticed she was at Mass by herself. Later I learned that her husband doesn’t go to Church and her kids have left the faith because she didn’t make them go to Mass. Interesting…

I can’t explain to those who are not traditionalists the BEAUTY of hearing a baby crying while Palestrina is being sung and incense fills the air while the Eucharist is being made present on the altar. Children crying are the sound of LIFE. The Traditional Mass is ALIVE. Let the little ones cry a little. Its okay. Even beautiful.

I hope this random post helps. I have “been there done that.” You are doing great!!

God bless!

 

[jmcrae]

Another thread spurred me to ask this question. I have a 5 year old, 3 year old and twin 16 month old babies. My husband and I are in full communion with the church. We anticipate my getting pregnant again in the future and are open to this. We absolutely love our joyful, rich Catholic life.

However, my father still attends the very traditional parish I grew up in (three hours from where we live now). When we go to visit him, he loves for all of us to attend mass together as a family. But his church doesn’t have a cry room. And it is nearly impossible to keep all 4 children quiet and content for the often 60+ minutes of mass. My older 2 children are pretty good but the twins are just at an age which are nearly impossible! Plus, they are curious about EVERYTHING probably because I’m a stay-at-home-mom who rarely leaves. When the twins are out and about they are very CURIOUS! But during mass, they are a distraction to others praying around us, not to mention me. I get very little out of mass trying to keep them content and quiet. And because of the noise I get dirty looks from even the priest. It’s humiliating and doesn’t leave me feeling very joyfilled. Should I bring snacks into the church to keep them happy? I feed them right before I leave home but they get hungry since they are so little. When my brother and I were little, my mother used to pinch our arms to keep us quiet and behaved but the Church (And I ) don’t encourage pain or threats to keep the peace.

Train your children in the way that you want them to behave when they are older - which means, no snacking, since when they get older, they will be required to fast for one hour before receiving Holy Communion. Also, food for your kids can be a distraction for other children whose parents have forbidden them to snack during Mass.

What do other parents who attend that Mass do for their children? (You can’t possibly be the only mother of multiple children in attendance …) I have seen kids playing with big, soft, child-friendly Rosaries, and looking at picture books. Also, a small amount of noise from children - whispering, small bumping sounds - are not a distraction. Don’t worry about that kind of thing. It’s only if they really start screaming out loud, or banging loudly on the pew, that it’s an issue for other people.

 

[ConservativeOne]

I absolutely do this just before my twins escape and are running straight up the aisle to meet the priest in person.

Any other helpful suggestions?

I know I should address your problem seriously - but this was the best. (They run up the aisle to meet the priest? Loving children, I’d be entertained by it myself - even during Mass.) Maybe, just maybe, God’s telling you they have a religious vocation in their future !

Yes, this can be seriously distracting to worshippers and the priest, as well. But I suggest you just keep trying different methods, or pews or whatever suggestions may be offered. Perhaps, keeping them up later the night before - so, they’ll be more tired in the morning? Do they get alot of sugar in their meal before Mass? Too much could be an issue. While it may be embarassing, don’t give up. Keep trying - offer up your Mass for that intention. I keep picturing the little ones running up and saying hello to the priest during Mass…UGH ! Funny from our side of the board - but not yours. Please, keep trying - and remember, during those embarassing moments: God created them just the way they are! It’s not your fault - it’s His gift ! Who knows how God must smile at this from Heaven?

 

[gatorsmom]

Train your children in the way that you want them to behave when they are older - which means, no snacking, since when they get older, they will be required to fast for one hour before receiving Holy Communion. Also, food for your kids can be a distraction for other children whose parents have forbidden them to snack during Mass.

What do other parents who attend that Mass do for their children? (You can’t possibly be the only mother of multiple children in attendance …) I have seen kids playing with big, soft, child-friendly Rosaries, and looking at picture books. Also, a small amount of noise from children - whispering, small bumping sounds - are not a distraction. Don’t worry about that kind of thing. It’s only if they really start screaming out loud, or banging loudly on the pew, that it’s an issue for other people.

I’m sorry but I had to laugh at this. If I knew you in real life, I"d bring you along to help handle one of the children some time. The twins are at an age where they grunt loudly to be picked up then immediately want to be let down. They can do this 10 times in a row without tiring of it. Then, once you are holding them, they get a devilish grin and pull your glasses off- only to try to stick them back on your face. Again and again. Then they scream with delight- even after sticking them in your eye. They are absolutely darling and absolutely a handfull right now.

Thank you, everyone for your replies. Threre seems to be a wide range of suggestions. We’ll have to keep trying things. Fortunately (or unfortunately ") this age passes quickly.

 

[PJM]

=gator(name removed by moderator);4989657]Another thread spurred me to ask this question. I have a 5 year old, 3 year old and twin 16 month old babies. My husband and I are in full communion with the church. We anticipate my getting pregnant again in the future and are open to this. We absolutely love our joyful, rich Catholic life.

However, my father still attends the very traditional parish I grew up in (three hours from where we live now). When we go to visit him, he loves for all of us to attend mass together as a family. But his church doesn’t have a cry room. And it is nearly impossible to keep all 4 children quiet and content for the often 60+ minutes of mass. My older 2 children are pretty good but the twins are just at an age which are nearly impossible! Plus, they are curious about EVERYTHING probably because I’m a stay-at-home-mom who rarely leaves. When the twins are out and about they are very CURIOUS! But during mass, they are a distraction to others praying around us, not to mention me. I get very little out of mass trying to keep them content and quiet. And because of the noise I get dirty looks from even the priest. It’s humiliating and doesn’t leave me feeling very joyfilled. Should I bring snacks into the church to keep them happy? I feed them right before I leave home but they get hungry since they are so little. When my brother and I were little, my mother used to pinch our arms to keep us quiet and behaved but the Church (And I ) don’t encourage pain or threats to keep the peace.

Admittedly, I very much enjoy the latin mass and more traditional churches but my husband and I are members of a very liberal Catholic church, because it is more relaxed about us having noisy children there.

Any suggestions?

:clapping:**God Bless you and your entire family!

**

My advise is to go, and do it PRAYERFULLY as possible.

May I also suggest that you invoke our Blessed Mothers assistance. She’s a mom too, and it’s her Son your going to Worship.

Sit towards the rear for emergcy exit, and possibly clear it (ONLY A SUGGESTION) with the priest first. This is a simple act of charity.

But that is where God’s grace is, so go for it!

Love and prayers,

 

[pentecostbaby]

Do you know a lot of people in your parish, or the one you want to go to? If you DH isn’t around, could you get someone to help you with the kids? Four’s a lot to handle at those ages, and you should all go to Mass together!! Maybe there’s someone who’d be willing to sit with you, help hold hands, whisper “that’s Jesus”, etc. I mean, I know I’d do it to help out, if I knew you and you went to my parish. We’re a community of faith - surely there are others that would help!

Just saying that you WANT to bring all four, and you’re concerned about a) making sure you get time with God, and b) that others do too - you’re my hero of the day!! I can’t wait to be a mom like you.

 

[adelore]

First of all please keep in mind that your not the first family in the Church to have children who are a “handful” nor will you be the last. So with that thought in mind let’s continue on from there.

1. We are Catholics, we believe in the family…yes including the handful 16 mo old twins.
2. Truely, you’re children don’t bother anyone else as much as they do You! in Mass.
3. Yes, people may turn their heads now and then, because of a noise or whatever…but keep in mind what You may be thinking is “someone bothered” by your children, could be a fond memory for them, from when their children were that age in that Catholic Church.
4. Children are Gods Blessing to You and the Catholic Church. Relish in that thought!
5. Always…always remember to say this, if anyone says anything to you about how your children acted…“Yes, we are Catholic’s…” Believe me that will shut them up in a moment.
6. Keep working with your children…and enjoy them being the age they are, Yes even in Mass.
7. Know that God is pleased they are there…simple as that! They are His children…and they have to go through the baby steps of being Catholic…(that is what you are going through now with them.) Don’t worry Mom, everything will be ok.
8. God knows you are there in Spirit, even if you have to take care of the children and the way 16 mo old children are…don’t sweat the small stuff…
9. Go to Mass with your Dad…and stop worrying…you’ll never regret it…enjoy every moment…and stop worrying about all the other Catholics…who by the way have had small children at one time or the other in Mass.

This advice is comming from a child who is number 6 out of 7 for my parents…and now a Mother of 4 grown children…and Grandma of 12 soon to have 13 Grandkids.

 

[mommybug47]

GO read cathguys post agianand sign my name! He is absolutley right! I have 7 under 13, I am the only one who goes to Mass with them. Always sit in the front row, never use the cry room, no one ever leaves during Mass! It takes practice, but when you set the expectation, children rise to meet it.

(not bragging, but to help the point) I went to Mass this morning at my grandmother’s parish ( I was visiting out of town) where the priest is heavily accented and very hard to understand. My 7 sat in the front two rows ( it sometimes helps to have a few in front of me so I can easily tap reminders) with my mom and I. 4 other people were at Mass. Later in the day my Grandmother (who was sick at home) recieved a call about the fantastic behavior of her grandchildren. She glowed with pride.

We see every wiggle and whisper and every fuss seems so loud. Those others see that there is a future to our faith. The priests and “grandmas” are really thrilled that we bring the squirmy ones to Mass and care enough to teach them the faith. We are distracted, they are rejoicing. By the way my kids heard the conversation about how blessed their grandma’s friend felt at Mass today and thanked me for teaching them to behave well. It is not easy and we feel incompetant some times, but you are doing the right thing, mom. Keep up the good work.

 

[ConservativeOne]

,
We see every wiggle and whisper and every fuss seems so loud. Those others see that there is a future to our faith. The priests and “grandmas” are really thrilled that we bring the squirmy ones to Mass and care enough to teach them the faith. We are distracted, they are rejoicing. By the way my kids heard the conversation about how blessed their grandma’s friend felt at Mass today and thanked me for teaching them to behave well. It is not easy and we feel incompetant some times, but you are doing the right thing, mom. Keep up the good work.

I had to comment on “mommybug’s” good advice. While I realize you’re concerned about the distractions and probably feel embarassed about it (particularly, if you think the priest was distracted) - let me tell you that when I hear an infant’s sounds during Mass, it’s like a piece of Heaven. They’re so new. And, yes, I know these are not infants - but as “mommybug” says, you are teaching the little ones The Faith - early on. Sadly, they’re already getting too well trained on lesser important things when watching TV. Each week can change unexpectedly. I’m assuming you bring some books or preoccupations for your little ones? This is how God created them - full of life. Who are we to argue with God?

My mother used to tell me that she, too, was concerned (when I was a baby) that I might cry or cause distraction. She told me she’d sit near a door that also happened to be near a front pew. Ironically, I not only didn’t cry - but my attention was apparently centered either on the priest’s actions and/or the candles ! You’ll find something that will work - or they will grow out of this stage in the blink of an eye…That’s what children do.

 

[JanetF]

My response to the OP would be that you sit in front of the church so that the kids can see what’s going on…This worked for us. On occasions when children didn’t behave, we walked to the back of Church and had a nice little chat about how I expected them to behave in mass and when they were ready, we would go back, based solely on my facial expressions, they got ready quickly . Infants can go to Mass and no one should be giving dirty looks to parents if their children make noise.

Good luck, and make Grandpa help during Mass!