How do I talk to my boyfriend about porn? :(

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Hello again, it’s nice to see that everyone here puts their 2 cents to help others that seek for advice. I’m here once again, asking for any helpful guide, now in this particular scenario.

Some may have seen my post about my current relationship; to quickly summarize it, We’ve been together for almost a year and a half. I’m catholic, he strayed from faith when he was 18. I had some serious doubts wether if he had a future of us together in his mind but I asked him directly and those doubts are gone :).

Still, it’s difficult because now I know it can get to a more serious ground; there have been some things that have motivated me to keep this relationship going:
  1. He respects my decision to remain a virgin until marriage. He’s had sexual experiences in the past, not too many but he’s had them. We’ve talked about this openly and he’s told me that it is hard for him sometimes, but that he will wait for me.
  2. I’ve invited him to mass (wich he hadn’t gone to in ages) and started to come with me every other sunday. Though at this moment I haven’t seen more remarkable developments in this area, I pray for him and sometimes, he’s even asked me to pray for him.
  3. He’s patient, listens to me and what I really like about us is that we can have difficult conversations but with love and respect, and we’re honest with each other.
  4. Somehow, we seem to solve almost every discussion we have. Any big issue, uncomfortable question, hardship, I think that God has granted us that grace, to solve these things and move forward and grow.
Those are my reasons for keep this relationship going; however, I still have one issue to adress and it’s his porn consumption. Now, I’ve never asked him directly wether he watches it or not, but from some things I saw on his fb before we started dating, I have enough information to know that he does. The big problem is that being a person who’s not in the faith, it’s much more difficult to talk about this with him, and it’s more likely that he won’t recognize it as a problem.

He really is a good man, kind, generous and very affectionate. I feel loved and I love him so much, but sometimes I wonder how long can I keep this quiet. I’d love to talk to him about it but I don’t know how, when and how to prepare my self.

After reading lots of posts here, it seems like the majority agrees that a catholic shouldn’t pursue a relationship with anybody outside the faith, wich astounds me because the two priests I talked to about my relationship told me that while he doesn’t show rejection or offends the church or closes his mind to my faith, that I should keep loving him and giving testimony. I ask this not to find arguments in my favor, but it surprises me because even in the canon laws there are some requisites for inter religious marriages. I know some marriages that started this way, and I know that it’s not the rule but I’ve found that most catholic resources for relationships are focused only in catholic-catholic relationships. Obviously other types of relationships have much more challenges and one should be much more cautious about them.

He does agree with the social doctrine of the church, respects our pope but he has a different concept of God (yeah I know…) but he’s always respectful towards my faith and if I mention something about it, he would listen and participate in the conversation, so it’s not a blatant rejection towards my faith (in that case, I’d break it off inmmediately)

Sometimes it hurts because I would love to share my faith with him, and I think if that were the case, I wouldn’t have anymore doubts. I do pray for him to find God, even if we don’t end up together :(.

Any suggestions on how to talk to my non practicing boyfriend about pornography?

Thank you very much in advance and I’d appreciate your prayers for both of us too 🙂
 
Well you seem to be worth the wait… He shows love,compassion,understanding and a willingness to change… Which are all great…
And yes there is a good chance he does what you think he might…
I think it shows he is a normal healthy young man…
There will be times when you are together and alone, things will just happen,
It is good that you are growing together in such a way…
And when things happen,you could raise the issue of porn and see where the conversation goes…
 
Catholic morals are ultimately sensible rules for true happiness for all but some people might not be able to see past the “Catholic morals” stamp. But there are enough secular arguments against pornography, so I would read about those arguments to educate myself first before talking with him AND of course I would pray for him.

I wish you good luck. Many people, some Catholics included, don’t think porn is a problem and they are shocked that anyone would believe otherwise. This would be a deal breaker for me. I admire your patience. But don’t be too patient. He needs to know that this stuff hurts him and you, and if you were to marry, it would hurt your children.

Porn is a destructive drug. Very addictive. Very destructive for too many people.
 
The porn thing has destroyed many marriages, even if they don’t result in divorce. He is willing to talk to you now, but he is also apparently pursuing you with an eye to marriage. Then what? You will be married (possibly) to a man who discounts your faith, doesn’t go to Mass (model for children?), and sees no problem with pornography. He says it is hard for him to wait until marriage, but he will do it. Does he expect a medal? What about times after marriage when sex isn’t going to happen? There will be something, most likely. There will be illness, a difficult pregnancy, job travel, whatever. Yes, there can be such a thing as a successful interfaith marriage. But the rest of it doesn’t sound too good either, even though of course I’m not seeing the whole picture. I suppose this sounds a bit harsh, but these are things to consider seriously. Ask the Lord seriously where he wants you to go with this, and wait to discern the answer.
 
TMO said:
Hello again, it’s nice to see that everyone here puts their 2 cents to help others that seek for advice. I’m here once again, asking for any helpful guide, now in this particular scenario…

Thank you very much in advance and I’d appreciate your prayers for both of us too 🙂
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You are operating on emotion. There is no reason to hope for a good outcome from this relationship. Move on before you suffer lasting damage.

Linus2nd
 
TMO said:
Any suggestions on how to talk to my non practicing boyfriend about pornography?

Thank you very much in advance and I’d appreciate your prayers for both of us too 🙂
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I’ll focus on this in particular. Catholics and many others, including some non-theists, see the consumption of pornography as a kind of cheating. It is sexual gratification with someone other than your spouse. You’ve already discussed (and he’s agreed) not having sex until you get married if that is your path. If he respects that, then he should respect this, too.

You can also talk about the industry of pornography and the exploitation of its workers.

You can also talk about how it warps a user’s understanding of sexuality. I read a really great book on how the widespread use of pornography is changing our society, and not for the better: Pornified: How Pornography is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families. I borrowed it from the library and read it in about a day. It was eye-opening, with a ton of good information, and its arguments are non-religious.

If he can’t give up the porn (which may be incredibly difficult, as you’ve seen many other threads here attest), I would strongly suggest you not continue a romantic relationship with him regardless of his other strong points. Sexuality is what makes marriage different from other relationships. If his understanding of it does not match yours, you are going to have an incredibly difficult time of things.
 
pensmama87 said:
I’ll focus on this in particular. Catholics and many others, including some non-theists, see the consumption of pornography as a kind of cheating. It is sexual gratification with someone other than your spouse. You’ve already discussed (and he’s agreed) not having sex until you get married if that is your path. If he respects that, then he should respect this, too.

You can also talk about the industry of pornography and the exploitation of its workers.

You can also talk about how it warps a user’s understanding of sexuality. I read a really great book on how the widespread use of pornography is changing our society, and not for the better: Pornified: How Pornography is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families. I borrowed it from the library and read it in about a day. It was eye-opening, with a ton of good information, and its arguments are non-religious.

If he can’t give up the porn (which may be incredibly difficult, as you’ve seen many other threads here attest), I would strongly suggest you not continue a romantic relationship with him regardless of his other strong points. Sexuality is what makes marriage different from other relationships. If his understanding of it does not match yours, you are going to have an incredibly difficult time of things.
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Thank you very much for your insight. It is what I’m doing at the moment, gathering useful information about it and particularly non religious sources, mainly because what others have posted that sometimes, the “catholic moral” is seen as very subjective, but I try to learn as much as I can about it.

I’ve been praying and I’ve asked the Lord for some enlightment in this situation. I am at the point in the relationship where I’m asking the big questions and I hope that I’m docile enough to read the signs that God will send me. Please pray for me to have clarity in this issue. Thank you very much and God bless 🙂
 
Linusthe2nd said:
You are operating on emotion. There is no reason to hope for a good outcome from this relationship. Move on before you suffer lasting damage.

Linus2nd
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👍

It is hard enough for a man who has kids that wants to save his marriage to give up porn. I seriously doubt an unmarried man would give it up for a girlfriend.

The truth is, this is like dating an alcoholic and thinking once you are married he will stop. Please, the signs are clear, move on
 
Anglewannabe said:
👍

It is hard enough for a man who has kids that wants to save his marriage to give up porn. I seriously doubt an unmarried man would give it up for a girlfriend.

The truth is, this is like dating an alcoholic and thinking once you are married he will stop. Please, the signs are clear, move on
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This ^^^^^. Without true contrition and the grace of God, plus the understanding of what this is doing to a family, or chance for a family, I don’t see it stopping. Walk away from the heartbreak.
 
TMO said:
Those are my reasons for keep this relationship going; however, I still have one issue to adress and it’s his porn consumption. Now,** I’ve never asked him directly wether he watches it or not, but from some things I saw on his fb before we started dating, I have enough information to know that he does.** The big problem is that being a person who’s not in the faith, it’s much more difficult to talk about this with him, and it’s more likely that he won’t recognize it as a problem.
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Communication is vital to any relationship. I’m going to take a different angle then most of your other respondents have taken. You need to ask him about this, find out what he feels about it, tell him how you feel about it, find out for certain how much of a problem it is for him, etc.

Your post question is how do I talk to him about porn and well…you’re going to have to sort of blush and blurt it out. Before anything else can honestly be done about the situation you HAVE to know what the situation is. It really isn’t fair to him to guess what he does or what his thoughts are on the matter.
 
Your big issue is not your non-practicing boyfriend, but his possible use of porn. You need to straight up confront him, and find out for sure if he is or not. If he is not, then he sounds like a pretty good choice for a husband. If he is watching porn, then this relationship will go nowhere in the end, unless he chooses to and does the work to stop.
 
like i said earlier… it seems that you are worth the wait… just be happy together…
if you are what he hopes for he wont need porn… just be yourself,
 
TMO said:
Any suggestions on how to talk to my non practicing boyfriend about pornography?
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The first issue is to be addressed is not the pornography, but rather the “non-practicing” issue. If one spouse is practicing and the other is not, that is a major issue. Basically, you don’t have a common moral ground to start off with. Until you have that, the pornography issue, and any other moral issues, isn’t going to be solved.
 
Danger! Run! If he is not the way you want him to be now, he probably never will be. You need to find someone that is already what you want. You cannot change someone. You are playing with fire here. Chances are that if you do get married, he will revert back to his old ways as soon as he has a ring on your finger. This is experience talking to you and I pray you take the advice.
 
Phil_Marinus said:
And yes there is a good chance he does what you think he might…
I think it shows he is a normal healthy young man…
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No it is not ‘normal and healthy’ it is degrading to women and a very sad addiction to have
Phil_Marinus said:
There will be times when you are together and alone, things will just happen…
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I hope you are not referring to the OP having sex with this guy.
Phil_Marinus said:
It is good that you are growing together in such a way…
And when things happen,you could raise the issue of porn and see where the conversation goes…
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If you are suggesting that when her boyfriend starts making the moves on her, it would be a good time to talk I find that sick. When a man is making the moves he will do anything to get to his end goal and it is NOT the time to bring these topics up.
 
Phil_Marinus said:
like i said earlier… it seems that you are worth the wait… just be happy together…
if you are what he hopes for he wont need porn… just be yourself,
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OP, please do NOT listen to this advice. A man who does porn has a serious addiction and no woman can change him
 
Anglewannabe said:
OP, please do NOT listen to this advice. A man who does porn has a serious addiction and no woman can change him
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UM… Well excuse me for interrupting…

But I was not Condoning this behaviour … I believe in the opening post the lady said she was not sure he looked at porn…She had never asked him weather he watched it or not…
maybe you should make yourself a cup of tea and have a lie down…
At least if you pick on me,your leaving some other alone…😛
 
I think the OP does not have a clear idea about what the purpose of dating and marriage is…

I think you should listen to these two audios:

catholiclifehacker.blogspot.com/2013/12/true-catholic-dating.html
catholiclifehacker.blogspot.com/2013/12/catholic-criteria-for-choosing-spouse.html

The second one talks about “mixed” or “inter-faith” marriages. Yes the Church allows them…by DISPENSATION…they are not ideal, basically the Church allows them because the Catholic party might leave the faith if they were not allowed to marry this person. But marrying a person with a different faith then you can open up a lot of problems when having kids, making decisions on how to raise the kids, etc.

If your husband is a different faith or lukewarm in the Catholic Faith it will confuse the kids, they will be getting Catholicism from you and your husband might be negating what good you are teaching the kids.

My opinion is that there are a lot of good guys out there, you can find a better one. There are a lot of guys out there that are not “exciting” but would make great husbands, meanwhile Catholic women are falling for the “exciting” non-Catholic guy who is a sweet talker but would make a poor husband.
 
Additionally…without the grace of the sacrament of confession, it would be really hard to break a porn addiction.
 
Yes, I’m aware of that. I do think that the sacraments make a huuuge difference when it comes to overcome bad habits, but I also believe that other methods can also work, obviously it might be more challenging but it can be done; if it wasn’t possible, it’s like saying God wouldn’t allow for other resources to be available for his other sons who have yet to come to church.

This is what I’ve resolved to do: confront him and ask him straight up wether he does it or not, if he does how much and since when. Then I’ll tell him some scientific and moral arguments about it and tell him if he can’t stop that, then we’ll be done. I know it sounds a bit like an ultimatum, but I do understand the potential damage this can do to me, to him and to us if we ever start a family together.

I am also praying for God to show me if I should continue this relationship or not. I love him so, so much, but I also understand that if these issues can’t be solved, then we’re going to end up hurting each other much more in the future :(.

Please pray for me so God gives me discernment on this matter, and to be strong to have that talk with him 😦
 
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