How do I talk to my kids about my divorce?

[StevenJK]

My wife is filing for divorce due to an ongoing affair she is having that started three years ago. We’ve been separated for over a year, so my three kids (10, 8, 6) have already been exposed to the separation. I have repeatedly expressed my reluctatance to end our marriage but to no avail.

How do I tell the kids about the divorce? I want them to grow up understanding that that divorce is wrong and what is happening is immoral but I don’t want them to hate their mother either. I don’t want to lie to them and pretend like this is something that “Mommy and Daddy” have decided. This is her decision, not mine. But there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

What should I tell the kids once the divorce is final?

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

It’s a delicate situation, particularly if you are going to share custody of the children with your wife – not only because of your concern for not allowing the children to think you approve of this, but because the court will take a dim view of anything it perceives to be alienating the affection of the children from their mother. (There have been cases in which orthodox Catholics have lost custody of their children because of their imprudent denunciation of their former spouse’s actions to the children.) Remember Jesus’ advice to Christians making their way in a hostile world:

Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves (Matt. 10:16).

One idea for how to both satisfy your conscience and avoid commenting on your wife’s actions to the children might be to say, “Mommy and Daddy are unable to live together. So we will live in separate houses, but we will always take care of you.” If they ask you why you “want” to do this, you could say, “I don’t want to do this. I wish your mommy and I could have worked things out so that we could all live together. But sometimes things happen that even adults cannot control and so we have to make the best of things as they are.” Your wife is, of course, free to give her version of events, but at least you will not be able to be accused of denouncing her to the children.

For more assistance in helping your children cope with the divorce, I recommend contacting the Pastoral Solutions Institute, a Catholic counseling apostolate. You and your family are in my prayers. God bless.