How do I talk to my Priest?

[lebe]

I’ve emailed my priest again. This email more desparate than the last. I’m sure he thinks (or will think in the morning when most sane people are awake) that I am crazy. I told him I’d come in any day any time and left my number to call me. I’d like to be there at 8am tomorrow. I’d rather come in when the hurt is fresh not after I’ve had time to stew and calm myself down. I’m sure this one will linger for awhile though.

 

[EasterJoy]

crazy what this site *** out. my word was “c r a p”…lol

I am so sorry about the downloads that you found. Porn was normal in our home, and honestly I was the one who bought all of it. I used to think it was “cool”. Until Father shared The Theology of the Body with me, I had no idea how backwards so much of my thinking was. If you havn’t listened to these CD’s find a set. They are incredibly powerful and had me in tears multiple times.

I really urge you not to give up. Like I said before, I was just like you. I wanted Father to come and seek me out and I felt like I was being a pest begging him for appointments and then cancelling. I eventually decided I would make myself available at whatever time he had and it turned out to be 4pm…well I don’t get off work until 4:30, but since it was only 1x a month, I simply told my boss at the beginning of the week, on Thursday I need to leave 1 hour early, so I will skip lunch, and it worked out fine. It took 6mths for me to finally get that 1st appointment and keep it, and I was sick to my stomach all day, but I felt so so so much better afterwards. We set our next appt. before I even leave his office, and I really look forward to our talks.

I have come a very long way in a very short amount of time and part of that is not wanting to disappoint him, but another part is that I feel so much better just knowing that I have someone to hold my hand (figuratively) and help guide me. We both know and accept that I will stumble and fall, but I also know that having Father to talk to will keep me from giving up.

Hang in there and if need be, we are always here for you. Pray for guidance. God is directing you to your parish Priest and he will not fail you

I second this. Lebe, you may feel like whacking your husband in the head with a cast iron skillet while he sleeps, but try to take a deep breath and remain as calm as you can. Do not think your husband is trying to run a con on you; he may have rationalized away the betrayal in what he’s doing with a self-deceiving “she won’t know, it will never hurt her”. This stuff is ubiquitous, and many people have been conned into thinking it is harmless or even helpful to “healthy” sexuality. Like Maureen, there was a time in my life when I didn’t see the harm in the “soft” kind. Ha. One of the examples of the many foolishness in my life. I guess it is the lot of those of us who have not made a priority of the pursuit of grace. So much for the perils of avoiding being too “churchy.”

Let’s put it this way, though: You’re deeply hurt by this, obviously. You’re not going to need an excuse to tell your husband you need to talk to your pastor so that you can figure out how to get through this without losing it entirely. It would not hurt to be so gracious as to admit that you’ve been feeling a great deal of stress and perhaps have not been hiding that so well as you would have liked to think, but if you can’t go there, then don’t. Still, don’t feel any need to hide that you feel a need for counselling. If there was ever any doubt, that has been removed.

 

[lebe]

I got an email response from my priest. He’s off today. Of course. I may just go down to the local bar now. Later this week is the earliest date. I took it. But I desperately wish I could talk now. How am I supposed to make it til the end of the week.

I confronted my husband this morning. He found me sleeping in the guest bed. What 1 hour of sleep I got. I couldn’t fess up why I was in there, but finally did it. It just came right out, just blurted it right out there. Why beat around the bush at this point. He was in shock, apologized…blah blah blah. I couldn’t even cry. I’m so numb. I’ve done plenty of crying now, but still feeling sick and numb. Got all the way to work and realized I couldn’t keep it together. Home now. Sulking, not earning any money while the kids are at daycare.

A priest with a day off.

 

[Maureen1125]

My Pastor is off on Thursdays, and I know how ****** it can be when you need them and they aren’t there, but keep in mind that they work 12-15hour days 6 days a week, so really 1 day off is not unreasonable.

Vent to us as much as you need to, please don’t turn to drinking as I can tell you from experience it will only make the situation worse.

I am glad that you were able to confront your husband about the images on his PC however I think the deeper issue is trust and the fact that you felt the need to “snoop” on his PC to see what he was doing in the 1st place. Pray on this

 

[lebe]

I know the trust is broken. I felt like I was being the bad one checking the PC. This has happened before, it’s the 3rd time during our marriage - we’ve been married 10 years. It took me a long time to gain trust after the last one.

I just had a strange feeling. I was actually wondering if he might be having an affair, if not physical an emotional one. I was trying to get into his email. (I know that doesn’t make it any better). He changed his password, and that was a red flag for me. We both know each others passwords to everything - there are no secrets.

I still can’t decide if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I came across this. I could have gone on not knowing - supposedly it’s been going on for about the past 1.5 years, reason why there was so much saved. Trust is gone. Can it be regained, again and again. I suppose. I’m thankful that it’s not an affair or that he wasn’t looking at men or children. Part of me feels like I’m over-reacting, he’s a man he has needs that aren’t being met by me. What’s the harm. - Well the harm is that I feel belittled and lied to, I will never live up to those photos. Am I not good enough. Did he picture them when would be intimate. Sickness is all I feel.

NOW looking back - maybe ALL of this that has been happening for a reason, the sleepless nights, the stress and resentment and anger building, and now the porn. The icing on the cake, or how he put it “a whole nother cake”. Maybe all these events happened to push us both to the church, to talk to someone, to fix our spiraling marriage because even we didn’t see it coming. He also has a meeting this week with Father. This poor priest has got to be wondering what’s going on. I’m going to suggest joint counseling as well. I think it’s time.

Never wanted to put myself in that category: a couple that needs counseling. Screw it. I refuse to put my children through a divorce. We will fix it. Or at least put a bandaid on it until the next time. And then we will get through the next time. And the next. It’s an addiction. I understand that. Maybe that’s how I’m so calm. LOL!!!

 

[Barbkw]

Lebe,

When I get upset, I turn to food for comfort. I’ve gained a lot of weight relying on food - to the point where food has become a compulsive way of behavior.

I’ve been a long time member of the Overeaters Anonymous program. The 12 Steps are helpful as they help retrain a person with a healthy response to emotional, mental and physical stress.

The 12 steps (also used in AA, NA, SA, etc,) are very similar to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. In fact, in the 12 Step program, Step 5 asks that a person: “Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

It sounds like your husband is unsure about the conditions that keep him in full communion and connection with Christ.

I found this adult examination of conscience guide that was written by Fr. Altier, a spiritual director. I use it as a guide for Reconciliation. It’s imperative that every person continually work on converting their heart, mind and soul toward holiness and to Christ.

catholicparents.org/oxcart/Examination%20of%20Conscience.pdf

Perhaps you and he could look the sheets over and discuss them with your confessor.

My prayers are with you, your husband and your family.

 

[Barbkw]

Lebe,

When I get upset, I turn to food for comfort. I’ve gained a lot of weight relying on food - to the point where food has become a compulsive way of behavior.

I’ve been a long time member of the Overeaters Anonymous program. The 12 Steps are helpful as they help retrain a person with a healthy response to emotional, mental and physical stress.

The 12 steps (also used in AA, NA, SA, etc,) are very similar to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. In fact, in the 12 Step program, Step 5 asks that a person: “Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

It sounds like your husband is unsure about the conditions that keep him in full communion and connection with Christ.

I found this adult examination of conscience guide that was written by Fr. Altier, a spiritual director. I use it as a guide for Reconciliation, to continually work on converting my heart, mind and soul toward holiness and to Christ.

catholicparents.org/oxcart/Examination%20of%20Conscience.pdf

Perhaps you and he could look the sheets over and discuss them with your confessor.

My prayers are with you, your husband and your family.

 

[EasterJoy]

I got an email response from my priest. He’s off today. Of course. I may just go down to the local bar now. Later this week is the earliest date. I took it. But I desperately wish I could talk now. How am I supposed to make it til the end of the week…

A priest with a day off.

I know our pastor quite well. He’s over 65, though, the only priest in a big parish, and works very long hours as it is. He has told me I could call him on his day off if something serious comes up, but I try to hold off on calling him until after his day off. I cannot tell you how the devil torments me from Sunday night until Tuesday morning…not every time, but it is impossible not to notice this pattern. It is the same with my husband; it always seems that the stuff comes up when I know he’s tired and I don’t want to bother him. Then, when he would have been available, it is as if the tormenter stops and waits, as if he is hoping I will keep to my own devices until he can find me alone and unguarded for another time. Sometimes I forget that the Lord is always there–Put not your trust in princes. It helps to know, too, that we are not alone, either in what we are going through or that someone cares about us, even people we have never met.

So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you. Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for (someone) to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings. 1 Peter 5:6-9

There have been times when I really needed to talk to someone and the person I had in mind could not do it, and then–voila!–someone calls me out of the blue to check in. In the end, it is not our pastors who shepherd us, but the Lord Himself, and the Lord has mysterious ways! Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you.

 

[lebe]

I know the Lord is with me and will not leave me. I can feel him all around me. He must have been driving my car for me yesterday because I don’t remember getting from place to place. I am so numb I feel like a zombie.

We slept in seperate rooms for the first time on purpose last night. It’s been 2 nights since we’ve been in the same bed. But last night was my request. And it will be like that until I feel comfortable…I don’t know how long that will take. When we were married and went through the classes before, we were told never to sleep in seperate beds, we both remember that and have followed that advice since. Until now. I want him to seriously understand the damage he has done.

2 more full days until I can speak to my Priest. I wish I could have talked to him when this was all fresh. I’m concerned because the tears are drying up. I’m just cold and angry now. He wrote me a letter last night. I didn’t care. I read it without a teardrop. I have 3 of these letters from him now. Who cares. Should I show him the other letters? I’d LOVE to throw them in his face and say you write these things, you promise these things but you do not change. I found a picture of me and the kids beside his bedside table. I nearly lost it…with laughter. Are you kidding. I know he meant for me to see it. Pity party for poor you.

 

[BKulash_eski]

I apologize, but I find it hard to believe that the priest will give up on you. I don’t know the situation with your husband, but perhaps he will join you in the meeting. There are difficulties in life that sometimes need a third, disinterested and loving party.

 

[cviolette]

I know the Lord is with me and will not leave me. I can feel him all around me. He must have been driving my car for me yesterday because I don’t remember getting from place to place. I am so numb I feel like a zombie.

We slept in seperate rooms for the first time on purpose last night. It’s been 2 nights since we’ve been in the same bed. But last night was my request. And it will be like that until I feel comfortable…I don’t know how long that will take. When we were married and went through the classes before, we were told never to sleep in seperate beds, we both remember that and have followed that advice since. Until now. I want him to seriously understand the damage he has done.

2 more full days until I can speak to my Priest. I wish I could have talked to him when this was all fresh. I’m concerned because the tears are drying up. I’m just cold and angry now. He wrote me a letter last night. I didn’t care. I read it without a teardrop. I have 3 of these letters from him now. Who cares. Should I show him the other letters? I’d LOVE to throw them in his face and say you write these things, you promise these things but you do not change. I found a picture of me and the kids beside his bedside table. I nearly lost it…with laughter. Are you kidding. I know he meant for me to see it. Pity party for poor you.

He may be telling the truth and really trying. It is difficult when you struggle with pornography or other forms of lust. He fell 3 times but maybe he has had many years between falls.

Just because he watches pornography does not mean that he does not love you and your children. Maybe, he put the picture there to remind him what he is fighting for. To help him fight temptation.

You are struggling with alcohol and anger issues. Would you want to be judged as harshly as you are judging your husband?

 

[Serap]

He may be telling the truth and really trying. It is difficult when you struggle with pornography or other forms of lust. He fell 3 times but maybe he has had many years between falls.

Just because he watches pornography does not mean that he does not love you and your children. Maybe, he put the picture there to remind him what he is fighting for. To help him fight temptation.

You are struggling with alcohol and anger issues. Would you want to be judged as harshly as you are judging your husband?

ditto this…except I don’t think you are necessarily judging your husband per se. I think you are just legitimately angry right now. You feel betrayed and angry.

I think your husband needs help just as much as you do. You guys could use some improvement on your coping skills. Alcohol is how you seem to be coping and your husband copes in his own way too.

This priest would want to help you now more than ever.

 

[lebe]

Am I judging to harshly. Yes. I probably am. If it were the other way around, would I want to be treated how I am treating him: no. Certainly not. But I would also, or I would hope I would understand that I’ve deeply hurt the person I love and I need to give them space and time to deal.

I’m angry along with every other emotion you could possibly name. I can’t focus. I can’t communicate. I can’t ‘feel’ anything right now. I’m so incredibly numb, I didn’t know a person could become this numb.

Alcohol isn’t a problem right now. Might have started to be a few months ago. I find I can’t even stand the smell of it right now. Of course I’m having problems eating too. I’m hungry. I try to eat and I feel sick. My stomach is in knots. I actually took a pregnancy test to see if I might be pregnant. Thank goodness I’m not.

We are being civil. I am TRYING to not be cold and angry around him. But I am extremely quiet. I just don’t have any words right now. We are both avoiding each other. Taking care of the kids, housework, cleaning. Seems both of us are just keeping busy to make it ‘look’ like we aren’t avoiding each other. Probably me more than him. I can see him try to reach out to me, and I ignore it or pretend I didn’t see him coming. I’m not ready. Maybe I’m just waiting to talk to my priest to see how I should handle this. I see him this evening. This week has been long, but I know today will be the longest day ever.

Last night I actually got the kids to sleep in 20 min. It was only 8:30. I thought this might be a chance to sit and talk. He was already in his room. Of course I never asked, brought it up at all or showed any interest. I suppose I shouldn’t expect him to read my mind, ‘come talk to me’. I sat downstairs for awhile thinking he might come down. No. So I went to my room, took a long shower, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I miss him.

I think if I could just let go. Forgive and forget. (well not so much forget). We would get through this quicker. I really want to. I feel like I’m holding a grudge, on purpose. I desperately want to forgive him. But I also feel if I let him off the hook easy, not bring the hurt and extreme betrayal to his attention - then in his mind, maybe eventually, he’ll think. That wasn’t so bad. She didn’t leave me. I won’t get caught again I swear! I want to make him hurt as much as he made me hurt. Is that wrong.

 

[Serap]

Am I judging to harshly. Yes. I probably am. If it were the other way around, would I want to be treated how I am treating him: no. Certainly not. But I would also, or I would hope I would understand that I’ve deeply hurt the person I love and I need to give them space and time to deal.

I’m angry along with every other emotion you could possibly name. I can’t focus. I can’t communicate. I can’t ‘feel’ anything right now. I’m so incredibly numb, I didn’t know a person could become this numb.

Alcohol isn’t a problem right now. Might have started to be a few months ago. I find I can’t even stand the smell of it right now. Of course I’m having problems eating too. I’m hungry. I try to eat and I feel sick. My stomach is in knots. I actually took a pregnancy test to see if I might be pregnant. Thank goodness I’m not.

We are being civil. I am TRYING to not be cold and angry around him. But I am extremely quiet. I just don’t have any words right now. We are both avoiding each other. Taking care of the kids, housework, cleaning. Seems both of us are just keeping busy to make it ‘look’ like we aren’t avoiding each other. Probably me more than him. I can see him try to reach out to me, and I ignore it or pretend I didn’t see him coming. I’m not ready. Maybe I’m just waiting to talk to my priest to see how I should handle this. I see him this evening. This week has been long, but I know today will be the longest day ever.

Last night I actually got the kids to sleep in 20 min. It was only 8:30. I thought this might be a chance to sit and talk. He was already in his room. Of course I never asked, brought it up at all or showed any interest. I suppose I shouldn’t expect him to read my mind, ‘come talk to me’. I sat downstairs for awhile thinking he might come down. No. So I went to my room, took a long shower, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I miss him.

I think if I could just let go. Forgive and forget. (well not so much forget). We would get through this quicker. I really want to. I feel like I’m holding a grudge, on purpose. I desperately want to forgive him. But I also feel if I let him off the hook easy, not bring the hurt and extreme betrayal to his attention - then in his mind, maybe eventually, he’ll think. That wasn’t so bad. She didn’t leave me. I won’t get caught again I swear! I want to make him hurt as much as he made me hurt. Is that wrong.

You are angry is all. Your feelings stem from anger. Anger is manifested fear…you fear that you’ve lost control of your marriage; you fear that your husband doesn’t desire you anymore; you fear that you are unable to trust your husband; you fear that you may lose everything that is dear to you; you fear that your husband may relapse after you reconcile; you fear that your family could fall apart…

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This is where your anger is coming from. You first need to address your fears and then the anger will go away.

Your husband didn’t reach out to you last night b/c he already has reached out to you with his letter. He is unsure of himself and is perhaps waiting for you to respond to his letter.

Ask your husband to come with you when you see your priest perhaps? Or see the priest on your own to try and clear your head first?

 

[lebe]

That makes sense. Thanks.

I’m going tonight by myself. Might as well start from the beginning on why I was requesting a meeting in the first place. I need to figure out what I’m feeling and where to go from here.

He has a meeting tomorrow morning alone. After this I’m sure we will have joint meetings. And I’m sure this has opened the door for me to go to confession on a regular basis. If not only to just continue to open up and find myself but to make sure I don’t start bottling stuff up.

Hey at least I’ve gotten past the fear of seeking help.

 

[Serap]

That makes sense. Thanks.

I’m going tonight by myself. Might as well start from the beginning on why I was requesting a meeting in the first place. I need to figure out what I’m feeling and where to go from here.

He has a meeting tomorrow morning alone. After this I’m sure we will have joint meetings. And I’m sure this has opened the door for me to go to confession on a regular basis. If not only to just continue to open up and find myself but to make sure I don’t start bottling stuff up.

Hey at least I’ve gotten past the fear of seeking help.

That’s great. We all have our fears and demons to deal with. What makes life interesting and fun is when we overcome our fears and learn more about ourselves.

Good luck and I pray that you find hope, peace and clarity in all of this.

 

[lebe]

I really don’t want to sound like this: but could it be that Satan’s power’s are at work. Or my kid is just sick.

Just got a call from the daycare, my child needs to be picked up due to running a fever. My meeting with my priest is in 1 1/2 hours. This means there is a good chance I have to cancel. I cannot get a hold of my husband to pick her up. 24 hour rule, she must stay out tomorrow. I have to go to work, my husband misses his meeting tomorrow.

Funny how things work out.

 

[bmaj]

I really don’t want to sound like this: but could it be that Satan’s power’s are at work. Or my kid is just sick.

Just got a call from the daycare, my child needs to be picked up due to running a fever. My meeting with my priest is in 1 1/2 hours. This means there is a good chance I have to cancel. I cannot get a hold of my husband to pick her up. 24 hour rule, she must stay out tomorrow. I have to go to work, my husband misses his meeting tomorrow.

Funny how things work out.

Maybe the Priest could talk with you for a few minutes on the phone during the scheduled time today if you can’t find someone for your child to be with… couldn’t hurt to explain and ask him.
Prayers for you - and your little one, too!

 

[Serap]

not Satan, but perhaps just life happening during flu season

Did you talk to your priest over the phone? Where you able to talk to him?

 

[lebe]

Made it to my meeting. I’m so glad. I tried to talk myself out of it all the way there. I got to the door and stood there numb, couldn’t open it. Finally pushed my way in and my legs just kept walking all the while thinking this isn’t happening, we don’t have a problem, I can deal with this.

I went in. We talked for an hour. It was relieving. I huge weight has been lifted. Not all the way but it’s not near as heavy. I started from the beginning…why I tried to make the appointment weeks ago to what has recently happened. I cried. I cried. And I cried some more.

I stayed for the last 1/2 hour of Adoration. I’d never been before. It was powerful in the silence of the church. So powerful. I’ve suggested to my husband to just go sit in silence for awhile. I then decided to stay for a class that I had been interested in attending before all this happened. I used it as “me” time. I loved it. I desperately needed it. 1x a week for the next 4 weeks. I’m looking forward to it.

Counseling is recommended and unavoidable at this point. Individual for both of us as well as joint. I am in the process of scheduling couples/marriage counseling. (They’re office is closed today, made myself leave my name and number) Will force myself to follow up on Monday if I haven’t heard anything. Would be so easy to say nevermind. We don’t need it. My priest told me to hang onto the hurt that I feel. Use it to keep myself on track for seeking help and getting through this. I need to write down what I’m feeling, or at least print out these posts so I can reread them. It would be so easy to just go back how it was before. So easy.

My husband and I had our first conversation last night. We have BARELY talked all week. It was painful. It was needed. I do believe he wants help. But I still do not trust him. We are talking now. The mood has lightened. It feels great. Scares me quite a bit though too. Would be so easy to forget all of this and go back to “normal”. I want to. But then too I want to be so angry and mean to him to SHOW him the hurt he’s caused, the hurt I still feel and will feel for a long time. I just don’t want to give in. He is also still sleeping in the guest room. I’m not sure how long to continue that. I want it to be used/viewed as a punishment and be painful…however I don’t want either of us to become too comfortable sleeping apart. I guess time will tell.

He had his meeting this morning. One of my children is home sick, so I missed work to take her to the doc. so he would not miss this appointment. Back at work, but at least I was home when get got home. We talked a little about his appointment. Like we did after mine. We both go to see the Priest next week. Then my husband will go back the following week. I’m not sure if I will. The Priest said he does not do in depth counseling, especially marriage counseling. He has not focused his time into that area, besides that he does not have the experience. True enough. I wish we were going to him, I feel comfortable with him and would rather not go to a stranger. But I’ll do what we need to.

So, baby steps. I think we’ll get through this. But it’s going to be a long journey. And trust me, I’ll be a regular on this forum because it has helped me tremendously. Thank you so much for your prayers and support! And I am praying for anyone else that is having to deal with this.

(Sorry this was so long!)