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Michael57
Guest
HisGirl,
Out of curiosity, are you or your boyfriend Catholic?
Out of curiosity, are you or your boyfriend Catholic?
- Status
C
Catholic1954
Guest
If you don’t tell Matt about Joe now, Joe will tell him later. The engagement period is for couples to work out these issues BEFORE the wedding. You should tell now and let Matt have his reaction before Joe lets it out a few years into the marriage and Matt feels betrayed by you, by your long silence.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Yeah, but she means that this Mr. Snake Oil is disgusting. Everyone has known this guy, everyone except the woman he’s talking into sleeping with him right now and the guy he’s talking into a business deal just today…even when they both swore from a distance that he’d never take them in! Some of these sleazebags are just that skillful at their “craft”. (And not a few of them are in politics, which is why so many of them eventually get caught in bed with the wrong woman, even though they have everything to lose by it and a gorgeous and loyal wife that you’d think would ward off the temptation.)Doesn’t he know that you have had multiple sex partners already? So, no offense, I wasn’t a virgin when I married, but technically multiple guys “got you.”
A
Anglewannabe
Guest
Just curious but after how many partner’s is a man no longer considered a good guy?
Again I am curious, what exactly are his values since he doesn’t appear to want to receive absolution for having premarital sex?
Actually, Matt doesn’t sound like much of a gentleman. Why doesn’t he step in and stand up for these women? Shakespeare said it best ‘the lady protests too much’. Matt’s ‘disapproval’ actually sounds more like jealousy of Joe. If Matt really was disgusted he would NEVER allow Joe in his home. I think deep down Matt wishes he could sleep around like Joe
OK, this sounds just creepy. Sounds like Matt is overly obsessed with the details of sexual encounters which frankly is coming across as very unhealthy
Repent in your heart and go to confession. God works miracles and can ease your guilt
Let Matt react however he wants. That is his choice. Earlier you said Matt totally trusts you. Well, the joke is on Matt because you have not been truthful with him and he is a fool to trust you. You do not owe Matt the details or even the names. But every time Matt start to talk about what ‘you never did’, you do owe to him to speak up and say 'I am not going to go into details but I am not as innocent as you think
Angie
X
Xantippe
Guest
“If you don’t tell Matt about Joe now, Joe will tell him later. The engagement period is for couples to work out these issues BEFORE the wedding. You should tell now and let Matt have his reaction before Joe lets it out a few years into the marriage and Matt feels betrayed by you, by your long silence.”
Yes. The OP has really no chance of keeping this information to herself long term given the situation, so she should tell her fiance as soon as she can, in a manner of her own choosing.
I think also that Matt is especially going to feel skeeved out and maybe even betrayed by the fact that Joe has been in their home if he finds out much later about the relationship. I think it might make sense to combine two conversations:
Yes. The OP has really no chance of keeping this information to herself long term given the situation, so she should tell her fiance as soon as she can, in a manner of her own choosing.
I think also that Matt is especially going to feel skeeved out and maybe even betrayed by the fact that Joe has been in their home if he finds out much later about the relationship. I think it might make sense to combine two conversations:
- a VERY brief statement that you had been involved with Joe
- Tell Matt that you don’t want Joe in your home if you can possibly avoid it and that you would have wanted to keep him out earlier, except doing so would have involved mentioning the previous relationship, and the whole thing was very embarrassing to you, so you kept your mouth shut but you feel that you owed Matt the information.
- The relationship with Joe is very embarrassing to you now and you don’t want to go into further details.
- Let’s make some new friends so we don’t have to see Joe all the time?
G
Gliggle
Guest
Hisgirl,
Sounds like you love Matt and really want things to work out with him. Sounds like you are scared of him judging you for this (which he shouldn’t) but you are unwilling to extricate yourself from Joes company (I know, these things can seem impossible!) but you are also unwilling to tell Matt (I agree with this, why torture the guy?)
I know the answer to your problem. Pray to God fervently and faithfully ask him to sort this one out for you.
It will work out for the best if you do this. You will see.
Sounds like you love Matt and really want things to work out with him. Sounds like you are scared of him judging you for this (which he shouldn’t) but you are unwilling to extricate yourself from Joes company (I know, these things can seem impossible!) but you are also unwilling to tell Matt (I agree with this, why torture the guy?)
I know the answer to your problem. Pray to God fervently and faithfully ask him to sort this one out for you.
It will work out for the best if you do this. You will see.
I
InNomineDomini
Guest
I’m just going to assume that this thread was started by someone who’s secular, or who at the very least is non-Catholic. I will welcome being corrected.
Relationships fall apart so easily these days, because folks have it in their minds that, after a certain period of time, they may get “bored” and need to move on to another one of thousands of options. “Getting serious” is a temporary, emotional phenomenon. “Long term” is something for weird people that have a difficult time finding ways to have fun. Whatever the relationship’s current state, things may change tomorrow, and since our feelings dictate the value of relationships, who knows what will come to pass?
In that sort of context, I absolutely cannot blame people who try to shy away from others who’ve had multiple partners. The above is the psychology that describes such a multiple partner person.
Now, if you’re NOT the type to shy away from these folks, why not find someone else who has the same views? If you’re afraid to tell someone the truth about how you view some aspect of life, for fear that they may walk away from you, shouldn’t that be considered a sign that you’ve got some world view issues that need to be addressed? Isn’t it fair to address those issues if a long-term goal is in mind? If there isn’t a long-term goal, that what, precisely, is the point anyway?
But once again we see the problems wreaked in people’s lives by the profaning of marriage, the laughing at the nature of marital union, and the perverting of the essence and purpose of love. Reality, and how to live in it, make little sense when the fundamentals of created order have been chucked out the window.
Relationships fall apart so easily these days, because folks have it in their minds that, after a certain period of time, they may get “bored” and need to move on to another one of thousands of options. “Getting serious” is a temporary, emotional phenomenon. “Long term” is something for weird people that have a difficult time finding ways to have fun. Whatever the relationship’s current state, things may change tomorrow, and since our feelings dictate the value of relationships, who knows what will come to pass?
In that sort of context, I absolutely cannot blame people who try to shy away from others who’ve had multiple partners. The above is the psychology that describes such a multiple partner person.
Now, if you’re NOT the type to shy away from these folks, why not find someone else who has the same views? If you’re afraid to tell someone the truth about how you view some aspect of life, for fear that they may walk away from you, shouldn’t that be considered a sign that you’ve got some world view issues that need to be addressed? Isn’t it fair to address those issues if a long-term goal is in mind? If there isn’t a long-term goal, that what, precisely, is the point anyway?
But once again we see the problems wreaked in people’s lives by the profaning of marriage, the laughing at the nature of marital union, and the perverting of the essence and purpose of love. Reality, and how to live in it, make little sense when the fundamentals of created order have been chucked out the window.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
true, but it’s not like Matt doesn’t have a past too, so he cannot be throwing the first stone at his girlfriend either.
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on_the_hill
Guest
There’s a lot of good advice among these replies.
I’m a big advocate for keeping certain things private. However, in this case there is a good chance that Joe will tell Matt. And if he does, it’s far better for your relationship to have told Matt yourself before Joe does.
My wife and my college buddy dated before I met her. I knew they had shared experiences. Had I found out from him rather than her, I would have been upset, because I would have felt they were keeping secrets from me.
Believe it or not, the three of us remained friends. Although she made a point of not inviting him to the wedding.
I’m a big advocate for keeping certain things private. However, in this case there is a good chance that Joe will tell Matt. And if he does, it’s far better for your relationship to have told Matt yourself before Joe does.
My wife and my college buddy dated before I met her. I knew they had shared experiences. Had I found out from him rather than her, I would have been upset, because I would have felt they were keeping secrets from me.
Believe it or not, the three of us remained friends. Although she made a point of not inviting him to the wedding.
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Aggies08
Guest
I would tell him you were together, but he has no reason to know any details beyond that. That seems TMI.
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
From what I gather we have some issues here.
But most importantly JOE WILL TELL MATT. Or someone in the circle of friends that they cannot distance themselves from will. I am surprised it has not happened yet. But rest assured it will. Better head this one off at the pass.
- If both the OP and her man are Catholic then they should not be cohabitating.
- “Joe” is portrayed as a “bad guy” and yet they do not seem to have the maturity to surround themselves with good influences and in fact rule out getting rid of bad influences because of some sort of misplaced loyalty to a “circle of friends” I wonder if they will have the same issues with friends when raising children?
- All people involved seem to have hooked up with multiple partners, yet one is labeled as “good” while the other is not.
But most importantly JOE WILL TELL MATT. Or someone in the circle of friends that they cannot distance themselves from will. I am surprised it has not happened yet. But rest assured it will. Better head this one off at the pass.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
All excellent points.
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EasterJoy
Guest
If this guy is like most “Joe” types I’ve run across, it would be no surprise if he were to tell Matt in front of a group of their friends, probably when Joe has had too much to drink and decides he wants to stir things up a bit. Given the choice between getting attention for himself and protecting a former flame, the flame doesn’t have much of a chance. If he’s not with her, in fact, he probably bends over backwards to let everyone know that he rejected* her*, and *not *the other way around.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
I think you are correct EasterJoy. It is just a matter of time before this scenario plays out.
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57thDimension
Guest
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Demetra2
Guest
Congratulations on finding a great guy. I think that you should talk to your priest about this problem of revealing your former relationship with Joe. We don’t know enough about the people involved to give proper advice. I would recommend distancing yourself from Joe ASAP. Your problem is one of the reasons that God has asked us to be chaste until marriage. God feels so strongly about the negative impact of pre-marital sex that the Church has declared it to be a mortal sin. If you are currently living with your fiance and having sex.please be aware that you are in a state of mortal sin. You seem intent on repairing past damage so don’t start your marriage off by continuing to sin. God Bless.
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platofan1983
Guest
HisGirl,
I’m assuming you’re younger (most likely from the Milleinal generation?) I am too, and I’d like to give you my view from that perspective. I’m not saying the people on here on wrong (I believe 100% in waiting till marriage for sex) etc. but I see the struggles of our generation (not to say others did).
First of all, Matt does sound like a good guy, and I can idenfity with him. I waited to have sex before I got married but my girlfriend/fiancee’ fooled around with guys (not sex) before we were married and dating. Your case is a little different because you and Matt weren’t dating at the time, but the very fact that Matt doesn’t like this guy, is going to hurt him when you tell him. Guys get mad sometimes very quick but most of the time, that anger is from a deep down hurt.
I think it is a dual edge sword and really don’t like either answer. Should you tell him? Should couple feel obligated to tell each other all or a brief history (even nameless of their sexual partners)? Is it lying by not telling him? I think it is. Sexuality is very sacred. That’s why Christians don’t treat it lightly. It’s not because we are prudes, but because it is a gift from God, two becoming one, and also deals with creating a soul (if a baby is conceived!) That’s all big stuff. Humans are curious creatures and want to know about each other. If you’re marrying a person you are going to want to know about that person, and of course if it’s about something very sacred (like sexuality) it is important.
If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to know? If Matt slept with a “loose” (I’ll use a nice word here) women just to hook up (read fornicate) several times and you were more committed would you want to know? Not from an ignorance is sort of bliss angle either. Believe me, resolve the issues now so they don’t come out in ugly harder to deal with ways later. I bet you would want to know if the situation were reversed. Not to use it against him, just because people are curious. But the whole thing of “it’s none of his business” is bull. You are engaged and will become one. You should not keep secrets and omitting it would be.
But I can try and tell you from a young guy’s perspective how I would react and what I think the best response would be. Number one, he is going to be hurt and be angry. Maybe he’s going to be more hurt initially and stunned, but he’s going to be upset. He’s going to want to know everything about this guy and the situation. Why did you do that? How could you because he’s such a jerk? Why didn’t you see that? Is that what you want? What kind of car does he drive? Did you enjoy or like him? Those questions will all come up. I think you should be honest to yourself and him. But show your reliance and attraction to Matt then.
Most younger girls have been raised that they are perfect angels, do no wrong, can do anything they want, and have no sense of shame. So girls are no longer seen as “slu***” anymore but having a good time or empowered or liberated. Men using women is not empowerment. Nor is girls using guys to build up their egos empowerment. This isn’t about you, just our generation.
Guys need to see that the girl they are with loves and especially respects them. That she wants to please him and make him happy. I know that is contrary to what culture says, but that is the way God designed us and nature intended. The guy will in turn, respond with love and affection for you. If you show him lack of respect and lack of desire, he’s going to stop giving you love and affection and then it’s just going to turn into a vicious cycle.
I’d tell him, but make it more about the excitement about him (Matt) now being the guy you want. Build him up and praise him (in both emotional and physical ways at the time). I wouldn’t go into all the details of what you did (although Matt will want to know) or say that you did all the stuff Matt wants to do with you, you’ve already done. That’s going to crush him and make him feel hurt. I don’t want you to be omitting things (because he will press you on the issue) but just turn it around about how much you love him. Tell him why both physically (at that point).
But be warned! I have a couple questions for you so they don’t come up again. Girls crave the bad boy. They always seek to please a man and the bad boy never gives into them. The nice guy (me, Matt, etc) loves the girl right away and the girl gets bored by this quickly. The bad boy (while either good looking or just knows how to be a player) never gives the girl what she wants and thus always tries to make him like her. I think it explains why nice guys finish last and a lot of the issues facing younger couples today. My question is, do you realize this? Are you over it? If so wonderful, because you can draw on that if you ever aren’t as excited by Matt or thinking the grass is greener on the other side, or bad boys are just so much more fun. Yes, for a moment they are. But realize they never work out and resist that desire for them.
The fact that Matt has only two sexual partners both in long term relationships shows he is a dependable guy. He doesn’t cheat on girls or just use them for sex. He values sex in a relationship. Now, is this a sin? Yes, as others have pointed out. But they should not be so hard on the guy. We need to meet sinners where they are. He probably doesn’t have a deep understand of sex (as 99% of young people don’t) but he’s not using it just for physical pleasure or just for his ego or just to be a player. It still is in the confines of a relationship. And I think that speaks volumes to him being a very faith husband.
I’m assuming you’re younger (most likely from the Milleinal generation?) I am too, and I’d like to give you my view from that perspective. I’m not saying the people on here on wrong (I believe 100% in waiting till marriage for sex) etc. but I see the struggles of our generation (not to say others did).
First of all, Matt does sound like a good guy, and I can idenfity with him. I waited to have sex before I got married but my girlfriend/fiancee’ fooled around with guys (not sex) before we were married and dating. Your case is a little different because you and Matt weren’t dating at the time, but the very fact that Matt doesn’t like this guy, is going to hurt him when you tell him. Guys get mad sometimes very quick but most of the time, that anger is from a deep down hurt.
I think it is a dual edge sword and really don’t like either answer. Should you tell him? Should couple feel obligated to tell each other all or a brief history (even nameless of their sexual partners)? Is it lying by not telling him? I think it is. Sexuality is very sacred. That’s why Christians don’t treat it lightly. It’s not because we are prudes, but because it is a gift from God, two becoming one, and also deals with creating a soul (if a baby is conceived!) That’s all big stuff. Humans are curious creatures and want to know about each other. If you’re marrying a person you are going to want to know about that person, and of course if it’s about something very sacred (like sexuality) it is important.
If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to know? If Matt slept with a “loose” (I’ll use a nice word here) women just to hook up (read fornicate) several times and you were more committed would you want to know? Not from an ignorance is sort of bliss angle either. Believe me, resolve the issues now so they don’t come out in ugly harder to deal with ways later. I bet you would want to know if the situation were reversed. Not to use it against him, just because people are curious. But the whole thing of “it’s none of his business” is bull. You are engaged and will become one. You should not keep secrets and omitting it would be.
But I can try and tell you from a young guy’s perspective how I would react and what I think the best response would be. Number one, he is going to be hurt and be angry. Maybe he’s going to be more hurt initially and stunned, but he’s going to be upset. He’s going to want to know everything about this guy and the situation. Why did you do that? How could you because he’s such a jerk? Why didn’t you see that? Is that what you want? What kind of car does he drive? Did you enjoy or like him? Those questions will all come up. I think you should be honest to yourself and him. But show your reliance and attraction to Matt then.
Most younger girls have been raised that they are perfect angels, do no wrong, can do anything they want, and have no sense of shame. So girls are no longer seen as “slu***” anymore but having a good time or empowered or liberated. Men using women is not empowerment. Nor is girls using guys to build up their egos empowerment. This isn’t about you, just our generation.
Guys need to see that the girl they are with loves and especially respects them. That she wants to please him and make him happy. I know that is contrary to what culture says, but that is the way God designed us and nature intended. The guy will in turn, respond with love and affection for you. If you show him lack of respect and lack of desire, he’s going to stop giving you love and affection and then it’s just going to turn into a vicious cycle.
I’d tell him, but make it more about the excitement about him (Matt) now being the guy you want. Build him up and praise him (in both emotional and physical ways at the time). I wouldn’t go into all the details of what you did (although Matt will want to know) or say that you did all the stuff Matt wants to do with you, you’ve already done. That’s going to crush him and make him feel hurt. I don’t want you to be omitting things (because he will press you on the issue) but just turn it around about how much you love him. Tell him why both physically (at that point).
But be warned! I have a couple questions for you so they don’t come up again. Girls crave the bad boy. They always seek to please a man and the bad boy never gives into them. The nice guy (me, Matt, etc) loves the girl right away and the girl gets bored by this quickly. The bad boy (while either good looking or just knows how to be a player) never gives the girl what she wants and thus always tries to make him like her. I think it explains why nice guys finish last and a lot of the issues facing younger couples today. My question is, do you realize this? Are you over it? If so wonderful, because you can draw on that if you ever aren’t as excited by Matt or thinking the grass is greener on the other side, or bad boys are just so much more fun. Yes, for a moment they are. But realize they never work out and resist that desire for them.
The fact that Matt has only two sexual partners both in long term relationships shows he is a dependable guy. He doesn’t cheat on girls or just use them for sex. He values sex in a relationship. Now, is this a sin? Yes, as others have pointed out. But they should not be so hard on the guy. We need to meet sinners where they are. He probably doesn’t have a deep understand of sex (as 99% of young people don’t) but he’s not using it just for physical pleasure or just for his ego or just to be a player. It still is in the confines of a relationship. And I think that speaks volumes to him being a very faith husband.
P
platofan1983
Guest
Part 2 (Sorry they made me split it up, and I am too long winded! )
Ask yourself some serious questions though. How have I used sex in the past? For pleasure? For self-worth? For fun? For my ego? I’m not going to judge you on those, but really think about it and learn from it. When your mind starts wondering again (maybe after a few years of marriage) remember this. Maybe talk to a Christian counsler (not saying you need counseling at all!) just look out for warning signs. I suspect you might be susipble to that sort of behavior. And if you do, it’s going to cause huge problems in your marriage and Matt will bring up this bad boy again. And he’ll throw it in your face. (I’ve done it to my wife). But if you show reliance and love to him continuously, it won’t be an issue.
Also, many of the people are right about sex before marriage. Since you both are no longer virgins, consider waiting until you are married to have sex again. You can at least save yourselves in that respect. Ask God to forgive you for your fooling around in the past and resolve to wait until you are married to have sex again. It will honor God and most likely make it better.
The very fact that you are here asking these questions shows you desire for truth and doing what is right. That is to be praised and commended! Follow that instinct. Turn to Christ (I know that sounds corny, it did to me) and seek Him. Just pray that he make Himself known to you. Just that one prayer and start looking for Him and his answers. Talk to a priest for per-martial counseling (as any couple should); a real priest or pastor who can get you started on the right track (not just any man of the cloth as they all aren’t trained in marriage). But most most of all show Matt that he is the only guy for you from now on. It’s what guys crave and will take care of many pitfalls so many relationships always fall into.
Hope this helps and sorry it got wordy!
Nick
)Ask yourself some serious questions though. How have I used sex in the past? For pleasure? For self-worth? For fun? For my ego? I’m not going to judge you on those, but really think about it and learn from it. When your mind starts wondering again (maybe after a few years of marriage) remember this. Maybe talk to a Christian counsler (not saying you need counseling at all!) just look out for warning signs. I suspect you might be susipble to that sort of behavior. And if you do, it’s going to cause huge problems in your marriage and Matt will bring up this bad boy again. And he’ll throw it in your face. (I’ve done it to my wife). But if you show reliance and love to him continuously, it won’t be an issue.
Also, many of the people are right about sex before marriage. Since you both are no longer virgins, consider waiting until you are married to have sex again. You can at least save yourselves in that respect. Ask God to forgive you for your fooling around in the past and resolve to wait until you are married to have sex again. It will honor God and most likely make it better.
The very fact that you are here asking these questions shows you desire for truth and doing what is right. That is to be praised and commended! Follow that instinct. Turn to Christ (I know that sounds corny, it did to me) and seek Him. Just pray that he make Himself known to you. Just that one prayer and start looking for Him and his answers. Talk to a priest for per-martial counseling (as any couple should); a real priest or pastor who can get you started on the right track (not just any man of the cloth as they all aren’t trained in marriage). But most most of all show Matt that he is the only guy for you from now on. It’s what guys crave and will take care of many pitfalls so many relationships always fall into.
Hope this helps and sorry it got wordy!
Nick
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platofan1983
Guest
Yes! And cut Joe out of your life and Matt’s ASAP. Not in a rude way, just avoid him permanently.
B
Black_Panther
Guest
Tell him the truth and bear the consequences of your sinning. Perhaps Matt deserves the truth and the ability to decide for himself if he wants to be with you, knowing full well the antics you’ve been up to before you met him.
- Status