How do I tell my husband I feel violated?

  • Thread starter Thread starter LovesHorses
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flyingfish said:
You should really think twice about telling your husband you feel “violated”. Tell him you don’t like anal sex, and that you never want to have anal sex again. Don’t tell him he made you feel violated, that will make him feel awful and would be hard to get past.

He didn’t violate you, you did give him the impression you wanted him to when he asked you and you said yes, and when he started you said nothing. He thinks he did something you wanted, and had you said at the time you didn’t want it he would have stopped.

You really need to think about why you didn’t tell him to stop when you didn’t want him to have anal sex with you.
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I think you are making a good point here.

Although I know that if this happened to me, I would feel sick inside unless I told him. It would not be my intention to hurt him, just as I’m sure it wouldn’t have been his intention to hurt me in the first place. But if LovesHorses is feeling horrible and violated about it a day or more after the fact, I think there must be something to those feelings.

That’s just my personal opinion. 🤷

My heart goes out to you, LovesHorses.
 
I would definitely recommend that you talk to a counselor about your relationship with your husband. I am concerned that he is not respectful of your feelings. I am also really concerned that you blame yourself for not being a good communicator. There is nothing that is unclear about the way that he needs to climax. This isn’t some vague nuance. And I think having anal sex with you without your clear consent, when he knows already your view on how sexual relations need to be brought to a climax is a way of punishing you for your beliefs. I have a difficult time understanding how he is such good and caring man. You feel like crying because you have been violated. Sexual abuse is something that really hurts, and it is especially confusing when it is done to you by your husband.

I really would get some counseling as soon as possible.
 
UncommonGrace said:
I think you are making a good point here.

Although I know that if this happened to me, I would feel sick inside unless I told him. It would not be my intention to hurt him, just as I’m sure it wouldn’t have been his intention to hurt me in the first place. But if LovesHorses is feeling horrible and violated about it a day or more after the fact, I think there must be something to those feelings.

That’s just my personal opinion. 🤷

My heart goes out to you, LovesHorses.
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I understand that, I think I would feel bad too. Maybe she should sit on it for a while and see if the bad feeling goes away.

I would think it would be really painful for a man to hear that his wife feels violated after he did what he thought made her feel good. I’m not a man, but my understanding is that guys are pretty sensitive about their sexual performance and would take it really hard if their wives told them they didn’t like it much less felt violated by it.

Maybe she should try to tell him that in retrospect anal sex did not make her feel good, maybe she can say it was really painful afterwards, and she would like not to do it again.

If she can spare the guy the damage of being told his wife feels violated, she should try it.
 
flyingfish said:
I understand that, I think I would feel bad too. Maybe she should sit on it for a while and see if the bad feeling goes away.

I would think it would be really painful for a man to hear that his wife feels violated after he did what he thought made her feel good. I’m not a man, but my understanding is that guys are pretty sensitive about their sexual performance and would take it really hard if their wives told them they didn’t like it much less felt violated by it.

Maybe she should try to tell him that in retrospect anal sex did not make her feel good, maybe she can say it was really painful afterwards, and she would like not to do it again.

If she can spare the guy the damage of being told his wife feels violated, she should try it.
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Wow, try spare his feelings? How about hers? This is not the same as disagreeing about birth control and using condoms.
 
dulcissima said:
Wow, try spare his feelings? How about hers? This is not the same as disagreeing about birth control and using condoms.
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Come on now, the OP made it clear that this wasn’t a case of marital rape but her husband doing something she wasn’t comfortable with. She says she FELT violated, not that she WAS and she’s having a tough time explaining her feelings to her husband.

Like I said before, she has absolutely no obligation to do something that is not pleasurable or makes her feel uncomfortable. She needs to speak up and say something, but dropping a “you violated me” bomb is horrible for a man to hear, especially if he really is a good husband (though confused or disagreeable on some of the Church’s teachings on sex) as she indicated. No man, except the depraved and despicable, wants to hear that he has violated a woman in bed.

So yes, she needs to speak up and do so with firmness. But it should also be as delicate in approach as it is direct in message.
 
dulcissima said:
Wow, try spare his feelings? How about hers? This is not the same as disagreeing about birth control and using condoms.
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He asked her if he could “put it in there”, and she said yes. He understood it to mean she wanted anal sex and proceeded, while he was doing it she didn’t ask him to stop! The man believes he asked his wife if she wanted it, she said she did, and while he was doing it she didn’t tell him he misunderstood and to stop.

From his perspective, he was satisfying her desires.

It would be hard for him to hear afterwards that she really didn’t mean it and because she feels she deserves to be punished didn’t tell him he misunderstood her and stopped the act.

The main issue here in my opinion is that the OP didn’t stop her husband because she felt she deserved to be punished. That sounds like a really unhealthy way to feel and something that she should get help for.
 
flyingfish said:
He asked her if he could “put it in there”, and she said yes. He understood it to mean she wanted anal sex and proceeded, while he was doing it she didn’t ask him to stop! The man believes he asked his wife if she wanted it, she said she did, and while he was doing it she didn’t tell him he misunderstood and to stop.
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I’m 100% with you.

I cannot fathom that he would not have noticed she was not happy about one second into it and stopped.

Really, some counseling is in order, there are bigger issues at play here.
 
dulcissima said:
I would definitely recommend that you talk to a counselor about your relationship with your husband. I am concerned that he is not respectful of your feelings. I am also really concerned that you blame yourself for not being a good communicator. There is nothing that is unclear about the way that he needs to climax. This isn’t some vague nuance. And I think having anal sex with you without your clear consent, when he knows already your view on how sexual relations need to be brought to a climax is a way of punishing you for your beliefs. I have a difficult time understanding how he is such good and caring man. You feel like crying because you have
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been violated. Sexual abuse is something that really hurts, and it is especially confusing when it is done to you by your husband.

I really would get some counseling as soon as possible.

I agree with the above. I have to say I am appalled that your husband would do this to you…this is clearly not in your usual comfort zone and he knew that yet he proceeded:mad:. What I find very disconcerting is that you didn’t feel you could say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ right then and there and felt you had to ‘take it’😦 There is something very wrong here…You are his WIFE not his sex toy or blow up doll to do with whatever he pleases simply becasue you’re his wife. Charity still applies, in fact it applies even more so. Please get some counseling. You absolutely were violated, your hurt is to be expected. I’m very sorry this happened to you:(:console:
 
I wanted to agree with Shanny and Dulcissima.

This man is supposed to be your life partner, the person you share your life with. Yet he is oblivious on what you would find offensive, and you seem unable to tell him you find something offensive.Your husband shouldn’t be oblivious to where your boundaries are.

Marriage is not supposed to be that way. If you can’t say, “Honey, stop I don’t like this.” , then there is a communication problem that is very large in your marriage.
 
MtnDwellar said:
I think that you are wrong about this. His sin* IS* your sin. My understanding is that the marriage sacrament binds you together. Two will become one… etc.

As far as advice goes, I would suggest that you tell him to keep it in his pants. Many people practice NFP. Couples often have to go without intercourse for various reasons. Tell him it will be worth the wait.
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I believe you are wrong on this, there have been answers from the Apologist section where a husband had a wife who wouldn’t use NFP even though the husband made it clear he wasn’t ok with her being on the pill and he was told not to abstain from relations with his wife. There are other similar stories as well. If she makes her values known and he agrees but then ignores them she is not responsible for his sin.
 
MtnDwellar said:
How can one say “only” material cooperation in evil? Willing cooperation in another’s evil act is itself evil. There are no exceptions. If a person is raped, then she is not willing and that is completely different. I did not understand that to be the case.

I can clearly see that my opinions are in the minority on this thread. I don’t want this turn into one of those back forth arguing type of threads which does not benefit the OP. I have said all that I need to say.
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What I mean is there are two ways to cooperate with evil: formal cooperation and material. Formal cooperation means you cooperate with the person performing the immoral act and share their intentions. Material cooperation is when you cooperate but do not share the same intention. Formal cooperation is always wrong but material cooperation can be justified depending on the conditions of double effect or indirect voluntary action.
 
I just want to thank everyone for your advice and concern. I am feeling a little better about things today, but you are probably right that I have some issues to work out for myself and with my husband. The biggest problems are that I am uncomfortable talking about intimacy, and that my husband does not share my views on what is permissable.

God bless you all!
 
KostyaJMJ said:
What I mean is there are two ways to cooperate with evil: formal cooperation and material. Formal cooperation means you cooperate with the person performing the immoral act and share their intentions. Material cooperation is when you cooperate but do not share the same intention. Formal cooperation is always wrong but material cooperation can be justified depending on the conditions of double effect or indirect voluntary action.
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Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Things can get confusing. :confused:

Does anyone have a degree in Canon Law???

I have heard “material cooperation”, “formal cooperation”, “remote material cooperation”, “formal material cooperation” and just plain old “cooperation” with evil. My understanding is that for any cooperation to be moral, it firstly has to be a moral act. It is never OK to perform evil regardless of whatever good may derive later. Was the act that we are discussing moral?
 
MtnDwellar said:
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Things can get confusing. :confused:

Does anyone have a degree in Canon Law???

I have heard “material cooperation”, “formal cooperation”, “remote material cooperation”, “formal material cooperation” and just plain old “cooperation” with evil. My understanding is that for any cooperation to be moral, it firstly has to be a moral act. It is never OK to perform evil regardless of whatever good may derive later. Was the act that we are discussing moral?
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This is a topic for another thread. Your timing is horrid.
 
MtnDwellar said:
Please explain your statements. :o
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When someone comes on to this forum to explain the situation the OP did, it’s not the time to start telling her about how she is an accomplice in sin-it clearly wasn’t the time, or the place.

We can have that discussion later. Your responses sounded cold and a trifle uncaring.

Just my opinion.
 
Rascalking said:
When someone comes on to this forum to explain the situation the OP did, it’s not the time to start telling her about how she is an accomplice in sin-it clearly wasn’t the time, or the place.

We can have that discussion later. Your responses sounded cold and a trifle uncaring.

Just my opinion.
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I respectfully disagree with your opinion. Please do not mistake formal for cold or uncaring. My comments were completely for the benefit of the OP and others.

I am happy that you criticized my comments. In the future please base your public criticism upon Christian values, doctrine, or moral teachings rather your “sense of timing” or how my writing “sounded”.
 
MtnDwellar said:
I am happy that you criticized my comments. In the future please base your public criticism upon Christian values, doctrine, or moral teachings rather your “sense of timing” or how my writing “sounded”.
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Actually I’ll base it on the sense of manners all people should be raised with. It’s important, in fact, perhaps crucial, to know when and how to say something. Using tact is vital. You cannot tie up rudeness and incorrect timing in “Christian values, doctrine, and moral teachings”.

Perhaps it best you and I continue this discussion through other means than this thread. Let’s start a new one about manners and bluntness! 😉

God bless.
 
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