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jrabs
Guest
Yep yep yep - and if they do, then one needs to question the kind of character that grown up has. Also would he continue to hide things if the relationship developed into marriage?
Bad - sneaking around is bad.
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Bad - sneaking around is bad.
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Norseman82
Guest
Please correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Joe Scheidler (of the Pro-Life Action League) marry one of his former students, and wasn’t she much younger?
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dulcissima
Guest
I’m not so concerned about your boyfriend never having had a girl friend, afterall he has probably spent his 20’s going to school if he is a professor. That is where his focus has been. My sister married a PhD who was nearly 30 and she was his first girlfried.
You really, really do need to get a back bone, get some confidence, and say what is on your mind to your parents. Do not be afraid of their emotions, and don’t let their reaction determine how you are going to live your life.
I know where I speak on this. I am 41 and spent my life walking on eggshells because of my mom’s fragile emotions. I never wanted to hurt her, and was always too worried about her feelings. So, I hid stuff from her, and did get involved in a relationship that was kind of an escape. Only it turned out to be an abusive relationship, and I didn’t have the “voice” I needed to speak up and not accept the treatement that I put up with. It’s taken a lot of therapy to get to the point where I can tell my mom no, tell her that I am going to do what I think is best for me, etc.
Even if you are in a relationship with a normal healthy man, having the communication skills and confidence to express your own needs or wants is totally critical. And in a way, having a healthy romantic relationship does tie in to a degree with having a healthy relationship with your parents (as much as is possible on your end at least). So, definitely don’t try to get around finding your voice with your parents. Get some counseling too if you are finding this difficult. Now is really the time to address this.
You really, really do need to get a back bone, get some confidence, and say what is on your mind to your parents. Do not be afraid of their emotions, and don’t let their reaction determine how you are going to live your life.
I know where I speak on this. I am 41 and spent my life walking on eggshells because of my mom’s fragile emotions. I never wanted to hurt her, and was always too worried about her feelings. So, I hid stuff from her, and did get involved in a relationship that was kind of an escape. Only it turned out to be an abusive relationship, and I didn’t have the “voice” I needed to speak up and not accept the treatement that I put up with. It’s taken a lot of therapy to get to the point where I can tell my mom no, tell her that I am going to do what I think is best for me, etc.
Even if you are in a relationship with a normal healthy man, having the communication skills and confidence to express your own needs or wants is totally critical. And in a way, having a healthy romantic relationship does tie in to a degree with having a healthy relationship with your parents (as much as is possible on your end at least). So, definitely don’t try to get around finding your voice with your parents. Get some counseling too if you are finding this difficult. Now is really the time to address this.
C
cb1124
Guest
Kind of an aside, but I too found it very strange that at his age he did not have any dating experience. His reasons that he has never dated were that he went to an all boys Catholic school until college and did not get to meet many girls. Then in his Catholic college he felt so much pressure because of the cost to his parents that he focused entirely on school. In grad school, he says he also had the pressure to do well in school. He has a shy personality and he said that he has had a hard time meeting women and that with certain health issues the past few years he had been too exhausted to do anything other than work.
Thank you all for all of the valuable advice you have been giving me. I am listening to it all.
Thank you all for all of the valuable advice you have been giving me. I am listening to it all.
C
cb1124
Guest
Dulci,
That is how I am with my mom. We are very close and even work together and I do try to make my decisions to make her happy. I am always so worried of upsetting her.
That is how I am with my mom. We are very close and even work together and I do try to make my decisions to make her happy. I am always so worried of upsetting her.
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dulcissima
Guest
That can be a really nice quality to have, but you have to realize that you are not responsible for your mom’s emotions. A little counseling, which they might even offer at your university, would be a really, really good thing.Dulci,
That is how I am with my mom. We are very close and even work together and I do try to make my decisions to make her happy. I am always so worried of upsetting her.
And I think it is good that you are in a realtionship with a conscientious type of a man. Chances are good that he won’t take advantage of your accommodating nature…although he might have the same issues that he needs to work on as well. I’ll bet if you talk it over with him, you might find that you are both very much in the same boat.
L
Liberanosamalo
Guest
Are you an only child? Anyone else to divert her?
Dulcissima is right… your mother will survive your having an opinion or a dream of your own. Nothing would upset her more than you having a life that was unhappy. Make her happy by having a full happy life that INCLUDES her, not MAKES her the center. Such a life depends on honesty.
I’m hoping for all your sakes that when you do tell her, she smiles and says “I know. I was just waiting for you to tell me about him.”
She is not a volcano and you are not the virgin who will be carted up the side and thrown in to appease her. She is your mother. You need to negotiate your relationship with her as an adult so that her being a grandmother will go well.
Dulcissima is right… your mother will survive your having an opinion or a dream of your own. Nothing would upset her more than you having a life that was unhappy. Make her happy by having a full happy life that INCLUDES her, not MAKES her the center. Such a life depends on honesty.
I’m hoping for all your sakes that when you do tell her, she smiles and says “I know. I was just waiting for you to tell me about him.”
She is not a volcano and you are not the virgin who will be carted up the side and thrown in to appease her. She is your mother. You need to negotiate your relationship with her as an adult so that her being a grandmother will go well.
J
jmcrae
Guest
The issue here is not the age difference, or even that she is a student and he is a professor at the same school.Please correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Joe Scheidler (of the Pro-Life Action League) marry one of his former students, and wasn’t she much younger?
The issue is that secrets are being kept from the young woman’s parents. The young woman therefore has no support system in place - she is emotionally dependent on him, and has been emotionally cut off from anyone who could warn her of any danger that she might be encountering.
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cb1124
Guest
I’m not keeping it a secret from EVERYONE. My friends have been in the loop. They are shocked by it but ultimately support me and like him. Not that this is any justification for my actions.The issue here is not the age difference, or even that she is a student and he is a professor at the same school.
The issue is that secrets are being kept from the young woman’s parents. The young woman therefore has no support system in place - she is emotionally dependent on him, and has been emotionally cut off from anyone who could warn her of any danger that she might be encountering.
I can say with all honesty that if he were even 5 years younger I think he would be exactly the type of person my parents would wish for me to date.
I’m not worried about the controlling or dangerous side that could come from dating someone older. I could say with 100% confidence that that is not in his personality. He always stays within my boundaries.
I am worried that my parents are going to think that he is taking advantage of a young student (we have only kissed once) and that they will be embarrassed of me going around town with someone who looks older.
Also, he’s not a professor at my university. I just took one class there.
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jmcrae
Guest
Let me ask you this.I’m not keeping it a secret from EVERYONE. My friends have been in the loop. They are shocked by it but ultimately support me and like him.
I can say with all honesty that if he were even 5 years younger I think he would be exactly the type of person my parents would wish for me to date.
I’m not worried about the controlling or dangerous side that could come from dating someone older. I could say with 100% confidence that that is not in his personality. He always stays within my boundaries.
I am worried that my parents are going to think that he is taking advantage of a young student (we have only kissed once) and that they will be embarrassed of me going around town with someone who looks older.
If you had a reason to break up with him (not saying that you should, but just imagine it for a moment), would you be able to do that freely? Other than a broken heart and disappointment, would there be any negative consequences to you?
Do you have any fear of him getting angry with you?
Do you have any fear of him telling on you?
Do you have any fear of him saying something negative about you to one of the other professors at the school, that would negatively impact your grades or your professional reputation?
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cb1124
Guest
100% honestlyLet me ask you this.
If you had a reason to break up with him (not saying that you should, but just imagine it for a moment), would you be able to do that freely? Other than a broken heart and disappointment, would there be any negative consequences to you?
Do you have any fear of him getting angry with you?
Do you have any fear of him telling on you?
Do you have any fear of him saying something negative about you to one of the other professors at the school, that would negatively impact your grades or your professional reputation?
I could break up with him freely if I wished to and other than a broken heart and disappointment and me feeling like I horribly betrayed him, there would be no negative consequences to me.
No fear of him getting angry with me.
No fear of him telling on me.
No fear that he would say anything negative about me that could in any way impact my grades or reputation. No matter what I were to do to him.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Wincing.
EVERYONE KNOWS BUT YOUR PARENTS? Oh, THAT will make them feel like fools. And feel like they are the least important people in your world. And a whole lot of other feelings.
You are a little hung up on what they will think of his age. You are a little worried about whether they will be embarrassed by you going around town with someone who looks older.
Well, it’s not like he’s 60 and it’s that obvious and ridiculous. Most people are hard put to tell the difference in age between people in their 20s and early 30s. Unless he looks like 10 miles of hard road, that probably isn’t a big problem. Something tells me years of studying and living a quiet life haven’t taken a huge toll on him.
Again, you’re all worried about appearances. And you’re good at keeping up appearances. Even fake ones. Just understand why people here are worried about you. YOU fit the perfect bill for someone who can be taken advantage of: Young, inexperienced, worried about appearances, unsure of herself, eager to please, not fully independent…
Geez, you sound like me when I was 22. I do NOT want you to end up like me. You are very lucky if you found a good man who respects you before someone like my xh found you. You’d be right up his alley.
Go for the honesty. Only by living an honest life that doesn’t depend on appearances or worries what others will think will you protect yourself from the kind of people who thrive on the nastiness that secrecy provides. Battered wives are really good at preserving the outward appearance and are their husband’s best defense against the withering examination of the outside world.
Don’t go down that path. Live an open life free of what the world thinks. It only matters what God thinks.
Stop trying to anticipate what your parents will think. Share the truth and then deal with what they really think, not with what you think they might think.
The only one who will convince your parents secret boyfriend is not taking advantage of you is secret boyfriend. Give them all a chance. You seem to be afraid to put all three in the same room because then that removes the control from you. And it seems this is the only thing in your life you really think you control, huh? Can’t live life like that. Mix them up. If they combine into something good, you have no problem. If they explode, you have a problem. Just a different one than you have now. Then you will have decisions to make. And I get the feeling you are not used to deciding. You try to please everyone. Juggling only works with bowling pins and rubber balls. You can’t juggle people or you’ll go mad. Quit trying to please everyone. If there is nothing immoral about secret boyfriend, introduce him. If your dad likes him, he will be the one to help your mom see the light. If not, listen to him too. Can you talk to him first and figure out how best to approach mom?
Take the step. It’s long overdue.
EVERYONE KNOWS BUT YOUR PARENTS? Oh, THAT will make them feel like fools. And feel like they are the least important people in your world. And a whole lot of other feelings.
You are a little hung up on what they will think of his age. You are a little worried about whether they will be embarrassed by you going around town with someone who looks older.
Well, it’s not like he’s 60 and it’s that obvious and ridiculous. Most people are hard put to tell the difference in age between people in their 20s and early 30s. Unless he looks like 10 miles of hard road, that probably isn’t a big problem. Something tells me years of studying and living a quiet life haven’t taken a huge toll on him.
Again, you’re all worried about appearances. And you’re good at keeping up appearances. Even fake ones. Just understand why people here are worried about you. YOU fit the perfect bill for someone who can be taken advantage of: Young, inexperienced, worried about appearances, unsure of herself, eager to please, not fully independent…
Geez, you sound like me when I was 22. I do NOT want you to end up like me. You are very lucky if you found a good man who respects you before someone like my xh found you. You’d be right up his alley.
Go for the honesty. Only by living an honest life that doesn’t depend on appearances or worries what others will think will you protect yourself from the kind of people who thrive on the nastiness that secrecy provides. Battered wives are really good at preserving the outward appearance and are their husband’s best defense against the withering examination of the outside world.
Don’t go down that path. Live an open life free of what the world thinks. It only matters what God thinks.
Stop trying to anticipate what your parents will think. Share the truth and then deal with what they really think, not with what you think they might think.
The only one who will convince your parents secret boyfriend is not taking advantage of you is secret boyfriend. Give them all a chance. You seem to be afraid to put all three in the same room because then that removes the control from you. And it seems this is the only thing in your life you really think you control, huh? Can’t live life like that. Mix them up. If they combine into something good, you have no problem. If they explode, you have a problem. Just a different one than you have now. Then you will have decisions to make. And I get the feeling you are not used to deciding. You try to please everyone. Juggling only works with bowling pins and rubber balls. You can’t juggle people or you’ll go mad. Quit trying to please everyone. If there is nothing immoral about secret boyfriend, introduce him. If your dad likes him, he will be the one to help your mom see the light. If not, listen to him too. Can you talk to him first and figure out how best to approach mom?
Take the step. It’s long overdue.
L
LaLucia
Guest
Hey girl! You have been dating this guy for 7 months. It is time for you to be assertive and ask him if he plans to marry you.
If he says, “YES”… then you can introduce him as your serious boyfriend who would like to ask for your hand in marriage when you finish college.
Most likely he looks close to your age anyway. He is still young.
If your parents don’t like him for any reason then you can come back and ask us what to do next.
I am a retired college professor who saw many marriages between young gals who were their ex-students and older professors. They had happy married lives. Had babies too after they were married.
I once had a young professor guy come to me for advise. He said he had fallen in love with one of his students. I said to wait until she was out of his class before proposing the idea of dating her.
He waited and then later on they got married and had kids.
I remember seeing him being so happy with his wife and toddlers. I could tell they were very compatiable. They were Catholics too.
I had young male students attracted to me when I was a professor but I never picked up on them because young men are still working on finishing college and finding a career job.
I used to tell them that I would date them after they would finish college but I never did. It was a way of encouraging them to finish college. I wanted my young male students to be successful in life.
I did see one young gal professor marry one of her ex-students and it didn’t work out because he didn’t finish college and he was super jealous of her sucess as a college professor. She would come to work tramatized at times. I hope she left him. I don’t know what happen to them.
Once you tell your parents your secret… you will be relieved from your anxiety and fears. I don’t like keeping serious secrets.
If he says, “YES”… then you can introduce him as your serious boyfriend who would like to ask for your hand in marriage when you finish college.
Most likely he looks close to your age anyway. He is still young.
If your parents don’t like him for any reason then you can come back and ask us what to do next.
I am a retired college professor who saw many marriages between young gals who were their ex-students and older professors. They had happy married lives. Had babies too after they were married.
I once had a young professor guy come to me for advise. He said he had fallen in love with one of his students. I said to wait until she was out of his class before proposing the idea of dating her.
He waited and then later on they got married and had kids.
I remember seeing him being so happy with his wife and toddlers. I could tell they were very compatiable. They were Catholics too.
I had young male students attracted to me when I was a professor but I never picked up on them because young men are still working on finishing college and finding a career job.
I used to tell them that I would date them after they would finish college but I never did. It was a way of encouraging them to finish college. I wanted my young male students to be successful in life.
I did see one young gal professor marry one of her ex-students and it didn’t work out because he didn’t finish college and he was super jealous of her sucess as a college professor. She would come to work tramatized at times. I hope she left him. I don’t know what happen to them.
Once you tell your parents your secret… you will be relieved from your anxiety and fears. I don’t like keeping serious secrets.
G
GraceDK
Guest
Daer OP…
I really think you should take many of the posts on this thread with a grain of salt… It seems that people are a bit too busy finding flaws in you and your boyfriend and the whole situation.
For all I know all their talk could make a bunch of new problems between you and your boyfriend which did not exist before…
I think he sounds like a great guy, by the way… lucky you , and you have worried about your parents for obvious reasons… but they are aware that you are 22 and an adult now… don’t be scared of them…
Ps. I know your situation… I too have always kept things of this nature from my mom and dad… something in the up-bringing made me uncomfortable bringing things to them… its really too bad because I know they did not intend to cause this harm… but its only now, at 26, that I have begun to open up to them.
:dancing:
I really think you should take many of the posts on this thread with a grain of salt… It seems that people are a bit too busy finding flaws in you and your boyfriend and the whole situation.
For all I know all their talk could make a bunch of new problems between you and your boyfriend which did not exist before…
I think he sounds like a great guy, by the way… lucky you , and you have worried about your parents for obvious reasons… but they are aware that you are 22 and an adult now… don’t be scared of them…
Ps. I know your situation… I too have always kept things of this nature from my mom and dad… something in the up-bringing made me uncomfortable bringing things to them… its really too bad because I know they did not intend to cause this harm… but its only now, at 26, that I have begun to open up to them.
:dancing:
D
deb1
Guest
Ask yourself this, what is the worst thing that could happen if your parents disapprove? Will they kick you out of the house? Stop talking to you? Refuse to pay your way through school? Hit you?
If your answer is yes to any of these questions, then I could understand your reluctance to speak to them.
But if, as I suspect, you are only afraid to talk for fear of disappointing them or hearing your mom yell at you then you are just going to have to step into womanhood and tell them. Legally you are an adult and this is a big step into separating yourself from childhood into the realm of an adult woman. Your parents will get over this. They will still love you and eventually they will probably grow to like your boyfriend.
I would just mention that you are seeing a good Catholic man who is very respectful of your decision to be chaste until marriage. Talk about all his great points and then causally bring up that he is ten years older then you. You don’t even have to tell them all at one time, just little bits here and there.Chances are they will ask to meet him before you even suggest it to them.
If your answer is yes to any of these questions, then I could understand your reluctance to speak to them.
But if, as I suspect, you are only afraid to talk for fear of disappointing them or hearing your mom yell at you then you are just going to have to step into womanhood and tell them. Legally you are an adult and this is a big step into separating yourself from childhood into the realm of an adult woman. Your parents will get over this. They will still love you and eventually they will probably grow to like your boyfriend.
I would just mention that you are seeing a good Catholic man who is very respectful of your decision to be chaste until marriage. Talk about all his great points and then causally bring up that he is ten years older then you. You don’t even have to tell them all at one time, just little bits here and there.Chances are they will ask to meet him before you even suggest it to them.
T
ThyKingdomCome
Guest
Bite the bullet and sit down and tell your parents. Just do it. Write it out ahead of time and practice if that will help you get the words out right. And yes, do it without your bf present. I have to trust your word that they may really be concerned about the age difference (some parents might not be, but I could imagine many having some misgivings). That’s ok. Listen to them and let them say all of their concerns. Answer their concerns in a way that is not defensive. But also tell tham that you will think and pray about their concerns. And then leave it at that and think and pray about their concerns. Let’s face it, they probably do have more experience and even wisdom than you, so their advice might be worth considering. You may find that after all that, you still feel exactly as you do, and if they don’t come around, then you can assert yourself as an adult and respectfully let them know that you are confident in your choice. Considering that they are just going to learn of this now, don’t expect them to be ok with it all at once. Let them get over being lied to, and let them get to know him. But don’t wait any longer. Get this discussion over with, so you can get on with the next stage.
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hasikelee
Guest
Whoa I see a lot of posts warning about the guy in this situation…
I’d say there’s a family dysfunction here, not a sleazy boyfriend.
She’s 21, in college and dating, but too scared to tell her parents?
OP, don’t worry about the guy or marriage right now. You need to go find a good, Catholic therapist.
I’d say there’s a family dysfunction here, not a sleazy boyfriend.
She’s 21, in college and dating, but too scared to tell her parents?
OP, don’t worry about the guy or marriage right now. You need to go find a good, Catholic therapist.
J
Just_wondering
Guest
I just thought I’d chime in to say that I agree with Liberanosamalo’s advice. I’ve been in the uncomfortable situation of having to introduce a boyfriend to my parents when I wasn’t sure they’d approve. He wasn’t a secret boyfriend - I went down that road before, and believe me, any man who wants you to keep the relationship secret isn’t worth having. In fact, I’d say that if your boyfriend is willing to be kept secret, he needs to work on his self-esteem. Sneaking around is heartbreak waiting to happen.
I went with a simple, factual explanation to my parents. “Mom, Dad, I’ve been seeing someone lately, and I’d like to tell you about him.” Then I went into his good points and his bad points. In my case, it was that he is a nice Catholic man who works hard, loves and respects me, and has custody of his two daughters from an anulled marriage. Then I answered my parents’ questions about our intentions and the timeline for those: “Yes, he’s the man I want to marry, but we’re going to wait until I finish graduate school and he gets legal permission to work in Canada. And yes, I am planning to adopt his daughters.”
Actually, I was expecting the worst, but my parents were much more reasonable than I feared. They had concerns, and I addressed them when I could, and thanked them for pointing out ones that I hadn’t considered yet. My parents were much more loving and accepting than my friends, who strongly objected to my dating a divorced man. I think younger people see things in black and white, whereas people with more experience (such as parents) have learned to accept shades of grey.
So all in all, my advice is to trust your parents, and tell them about your boyfriend with confidence and love. “Mom, Dad, I’m seeing a wonderful man and I’d like to tell you all about him.” Read Liberanosamalo’s perspectives to get an idea of your parents’ reactions and the reasons for them, but don’t expect the worst. Go in there, not apologetically, but with pride and confidence in your choice of man. Do not start with “I’m dating a man that you’re going to hate!” because then they’ll think there’s a reason to hate him. If you act as if you expect it to be a problem, they’re going to assume he’s taking advantage of you. If you present it as if they should be pleased that their daughter is in love with an honest, hardworking, loving, and sincere Catholic man, it won’t be nearly as bad as you expect.
Good luck!
I went with a simple, factual explanation to my parents. “Mom, Dad, I’ve been seeing someone lately, and I’d like to tell you about him.” Then I went into his good points and his bad points. In my case, it was that he is a nice Catholic man who works hard, loves and respects me, and has custody of his two daughters from an anulled marriage. Then I answered my parents’ questions about our intentions and the timeline for those: “Yes, he’s the man I want to marry, but we’re going to wait until I finish graduate school and he gets legal permission to work in Canada. And yes, I am planning to adopt his daughters.”
Actually, I was expecting the worst, but my parents were much more reasonable than I feared. They had concerns, and I addressed them when I could, and thanked them for pointing out ones that I hadn’t considered yet. My parents were much more loving and accepting than my friends, who strongly objected to my dating a divorced man. I think younger people see things in black and white, whereas people with more experience (such as parents) have learned to accept shades of grey.
So all in all, my advice is to trust your parents, and tell them about your boyfriend with confidence and love. “Mom, Dad, I’m seeing a wonderful man and I’d like to tell you all about him.” Read Liberanosamalo’s perspectives to get an idea of your parents’ reactions and the reasons for them, but don’t expect the worst. Go in there, not apologetically, but with pride and confidence in your choice of man. Do not start with “I’m dating a man that you’re going to hate!” because then they’ll think there’s a reason to hate him. If you act as if you expect it to be a problem, they’re going to assume he’s taking advantage of you. If you present it as if they should be pleased that their daughter is in love with an honest, hardworking, loving, and sincere Catholic man, it won’t be nearly as bad as you expect.
Good luck!
R
robert_ambrose
Guest
have no fear, they will find out, one way or another. so talk to your parents, like now.
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THutch04
Guest
Your parents would likely be uncomfortable because of your age. At 32 there are so many experiences that he’s been able to have that you may not have, such as graduating from college, living on his own, holding down a full time job, etc. Those are not necessarily small differences. In a few more years (or possibly in your case even after you graduate from college) those 10 years will not be that great of a difference. But for right now the life experiences likely are quite different. That would be my biggest concern about the age difference specifically. Without knowing the details of the relationship (not that I’m asking for any at all, please don’t think I am), it seems like the two of you are at very different stages in life. But the greatest problem is the secret. You need to tell your parents about it. The reaction probably will not be as bad as you expect. It would be better if they found out directly from you than if they found out some other way.
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