How do I tell someone I don't want to be friends?

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Hi everyone,

I don’t post often but I’m struggling with a situation that I think you all may have some good insight about. I recently received an apology card from a former housemate in college who is now more of an acquaintance. I have had issues with this person in the past and being a peace maker, have apologized for things I probably shouldn’t have in the past because I wanted peace so badly. This person has shown herself many times to be manipulative, talks horribly about people behind their backs, and I think she has some grave problems with her perceptions of things. She also considers herself a devout Catholic and while I do think she is means well, she is not someone I want to be close to. She and I hardly talked this past year and she seemed to write me off, so I had no idea I would be in this situation now.

This girl has been treated a dear friend of mine terribly this past year, trying to convince mutual friends that she is a horrible person and that they shouldn’t like her, etc. Although my dear friend is a wonderful, loving person who has taken the high road, I was feeling very protective of her and hurt and angry with this girl for what she was doing (she had done this to me in the past but I wanted to believe that she changed). I figured I was guilty by association because my dear friend and I were the only two of our mutual friends not invited to a holiday party thrown by this girl and her new husband and which a good 150 people were invited to (I know this thanks to Facebook). Because this girl is quite impossible to reason with (she refuses to take personal responsibility for things), I de-friended her on Facebook to free myself from this anger and hurt at what she was doing to my dear friend (and to a lesser degree, me) and because it seemed that she had written me off as well - I truly didn’t think it would bother her. That may seem passive aggressive but it was the only way of releasing myself from this resentment and working toward forgiveness and healing that I could think of.

So I just received this card in which she has apologized for whatever she has done that has made me so mad at her that I don’t consider her my friend anymore, which I can only assume is due to me removing her on Facebook. She says that whatever it was was not intentional and that she would like to meet in person to apologize and work it out. She also said she values my friendship and doesn’t want to lose me, although we have not been what I consider friends in quite a while. I was beyond surprised and confused by this note and I don’t know what to do. I do not want to meet with her in person because I am quite positive that she will manipulate me into apologizing for who knows what and because I do not want to be close with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has burned bridges with so many people and I keep her in my prayers often, as I don’t think she is happy. However, she has shown me her character many, many times and I do not want this drama in my life. I don’t think she knows what a friend is and I really don’t know what she wants of me. I do think she is being genuine but I also think she is very confused and I can’t help but be suspicious of her motives, especially since she dislikes my dear friend so much. I will not tolerate drama or unkind words about anyone, so I don’t know what she is expecting from me.

How do you tell someone that it isn’t one thing that they have done that has made you not want to be their friend, but many, many things, and their very personality? That is my problem. I do not want to hurt her and I will see her at weddings, etc. in the future, during which I will be kind and pleasant, but I do not want to be close to this girl. Please help me figure out what to say. I am writing an e-mail because I don’t want to send the wrong message by writing a letter or meeting in person.

I hope I am not coming off as a terrible person. This situation and its history goes back many more years than I wish it did, and I want so much to be free from it. I do not want to be unkind but I am also afraid of being a doormat that this girl will step all over again. Please help me.

Thank you and may God bless you all!
 
This friend or acquaintance sounds veryy similar to a friend of mine.I still talk to her and hang out once in a great while, but I try not to become too close because I know that she’s not a good friend or wants the best for me. She likes drama as well, and I’ve dealt with it many times in the past from her. I’ve told her my feelings whenever I was upset with her, but she still continued being the same way she is. So, my advice would be to probably just be short with her, be pleasant “hi” “bye” , etc. Because, if this girl likes drama, and you tell her that you don’t want to be friends, she might make you look bad in front of other people, or who knows.
 
Bif said:
Hi everyone,

I don’t post often but I’m struggling with a situation that I think you all may have some good insight about. I recently received an apology card from a former housemate in college who is now more of an acquaintance. I have had issues with this person in the past and being a peace maker, have apologized for things I probably shouldn’t have in the past because I wanted peace so badly. This person has shown herself many times to be manipulative, talks horribly about people behind their backs, and I think she has some grave problems with her perceptions of things. She also considers herself a devout Catholic and while I do think she is means well, she is not someone I want to be close to. She and I hardly talked this past year and she seemed to write me off, so I had no idea I would be in this situation now.

This girl has been treated a dear friend of mine terribly this past year, trying to convince mutual friends that she is a horrible person and that they shouldn’t like her, etc. Although my dear friend is a wonderful, loving person who has taken the high road, I was feeling very protective of her and hurt and angry with this girl for what she was doing (she had done this to me in the past but I wanted to believe that she changed). I figured I was guilty by association because my dear friend and I were the only two of our mutual friends not invited to a holiday party thrown by this girl and her new husband and which a good 150 people were invited to (I know this thanks to Facebook). Because this girl is quite impossible to reason with (she refuses to take personal responsibility for things), I de-friended her on Facebook to free myself from this anger and hurt at what she was doing to my dear friend (and to a lesser degree, me) and because it seemed that she had written me off as well - I truly didn’t think it would bother her. That may seem passive aggressive but it was the only way of releasing myself from this resentment and working toward forgiveness and healing that I could think of.

So I just received this card in which she has apologized for whatever she has done that has made me so mad at her that I don’t consider her my friend anymore, which I can only assume is due to me removing her on Facebook. She says that whatever it was was not intentional and that she would like to meet in person to apologize and work it out. She also said she values my friendship and doesn’t want to lose me, although we have not been what I consider friends in quite a while. I was beyond surprised and confused by this note and I don’t know what to do. I do not want to meet with her in person because I am quite positive that she will manipulate me into apologizing for who knows what and because I do not want to be close with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has burned bridges with so many people and I keep her in my prayers often, as I don’t think she is happy. However, she has shown me her character many, many times and I do not want this drama in my life. I don’t think she knows what a friend is and I really don’t know what she wants of me. I do think she is being genuine but I also think she is very confused and I can’t help but be suspicious of her motives, especially since she dislikes my dear friend so much. I will not tolerate drama or unkind words about anyone, so I don’t know what she is expecting from me.

How do you tell someone that it isn’t one thing that they have done that has made you not want to be their friend, but many, many things, and their very personality? That is my problem. I do not want to hurt her and I will see her at weddings, etc. in the future, during which I will be kind and pleasant, but I do not want to be close to this girl. Please help me figure out what to say. I am writing an e-mail because I don’t want to send the wrong message by writing a letter or meeting in person.

I hope I am not coming off as a terrible person. This situation and its history goes back many more years than I wish it did, and I want so much to be free from it. I do not want to be unkind but I am also afraid of being a doormat that this girl will step all over again. Please help me.

Thank you and may God bless you all!
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Thank her for the card, but tell her it is not possible for you to meet at this time; if things change you will give her a call. Then do not respond to any more corespondence from her. You really don’t owe her any more of an explanation.
 
You don’t sound terrible at all. I think maybe you sound TOO nice…this person, and I think I’ve known one or two like her, sounds like she could be bad news.

If she is manipulative, the sending of the apology may be a part of this manipulation.

I would just let it rest. Don’t seek her out. Don’t avoid her and DON"T talk about her.

It can be hard. I have found church ‘circles’ to be some of the most gossip-prone. Everyone says they’re after everyone else’s good, but they don’t realize that in praying for people, you don’t need all the details. God knows those.

So, yes, pray for her. And just let things go. Maybe she’ll change, but I think you’re entitled to let that become evident before you expose yourself to further trouble.
Bif said:
Hi everyone,

I don’t post often but I’m struggling with a situation that I think you all may have some good insight about. I recently received an apology card from a former housemate in college who is now more of an acquaintance. I have had issues with this person in the past and being a peace maker, have apologized for things I probably shouldn’t have in the past because I wanted peace so badly. This person has shown herself many times to be manipulative, talks horribly about people behind their backs, and I think she has some grave problems with her perceptions of things. She also considers herself a devout Catholic and while I do think she is means well, she is not someone I want to be close to. She and I hardly talked this past year and she seemed to write me off, so I had no idea I would be in this situation now.

This girl has been treated a dear friend of mine terribly this past year, trying to convince mutual friends that she is a horrible person and that they shouldn’t like her, etc. Although my dear friend is a wonderful, loving person who has taken the high road, I was feeling very protective of her and hurt and angry with this girl for what she was doing (she had done this to me in the past but I wanted to believe that she changed). I figured I was guilty by association because my dear friend and I were the only two of our mutual friends not invited to a holiday party thrown by this girl and her new husband and which a good 150 people were invited to (I know this thanks to Facebook). Because this girl is quite impossible to reason with (she refuses to take personal responsibility for things), I de-friended her on Facebook to free myself from this anger and hurt at what she was doing to my dear friend (and to a lesser degree, me) and because it seemed that she had written me off as well - I truly didn’t think it would bother her. That may seem passive aggressive but it was the only way of releasing myself from this resentment and working toward forgiveness and healing that I could think of.

So I just received this card in which she has apologized for whatever she has done that has made me so mad at her that I don’t consider her my friend anymore, which I can only assume is due to me removing her on Facebook. She says that whatever it was was not intentional and that she would like to meet in person to apologize and work it out. She also said she values my friendship and doesn’t want to lose me, although we have not been what I consider friends in quite a while. I was beyond surprised and confused by this note and I don’t know what to do. I do not want to meet with her in person because I am quite positive that she will manipulate me into apologizing for who knows what and because I do not want to be close with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has burned bridges with so many people and I keep her in my prayers often, as I don’t think she is happy. However, she has shown me her character many, many times and I do not want this drama in my life. I don’t think she knows what a friend is and I really don’t know what she wants of me. I do think she is being genuine but I also think she is very confused and I can’t help but be suspicious of her motives, especially since she dislikes my dear friend so much. I will not tolerate drama or unkind words about anyone, so I don’t know what she is expecting from me.

How do you tell someone that it isn’t one thing that they have done that has made you not want to be their friend, but many, many things, and their very personality? That is my problem. I do not want to hurt her and I will see her at weddings, etc. in the future, during which I will be kind and pleasant, but I do not want to be close to this girl. Please help me figure out what to say. I am writing an e-mail because I don’t want to send the wrong message by writing a letter or meeting in person.

I hope I am not coming off as a terrible person. This situation and its history goes back many more years than I wish it did, and I want so much to be free from it. I do not want to be unkind but I am also afraid of being a doormat that this girl will step all over again. Please help me.

Thank you and may God bless you all!
Click to expand...
 
It’s natural enough that it would rankle with her that you de-friended her on Facebook.
Recently a girl complained that someone dear to me has de-friended her, but as the person was seriously trying to destroy a member of her family she did not respond.

I wonder if you could consider being polite and kindly honest.
Will she ever learn if people are not honest with her?
Be honest can come at a cost…you may become a target.
Certainly, Jesus said to pray for our enemies, which you are doing.

If God wishes to use you to bless her or help her to reform her behaviour and attitude, then God grant that…but if you should shake the dust off your feet, and simply pray for her at a distance, either way, may God guide you.
 
If you should choose to respond - and know that it is not incumbent upon you to do so - you could write and thank her for her “nice” note, but then state that you see no need to meet per her suggestion as you, yourself, are quite comfortable with your current relationship as “friendly acquaintances”. Then sign off with Take Care or something equally neutral. You will have clarified your “relationship” to her, kindly but firmly.
 
Personally I would not respond at all. There is no rule that says you have to be friends with this person. If you are still harboring hurt feeling, bring them to the Lord and le them go. Do not waste 1 minute of your time on this person.
 
Thank you, all of you! You all gave great advice. I just have to figure out which to follow now. Although I don’t want to get into it with her, I also feel like the polite thing would be to acknowledge that I did get her card, but not get too into it. It’s so hard to predict whether that would be the right thing to do or whether I would just be opening a door that I can’t close. I’ll keep re-reading your suggestions and praying about this. Thank you again! I have only talked to two other people about this situation and it’s nice to have other points of view. Please say a prayer for me in regard to this situation. :hug1:
 
alldogs said:
If you should choose to respond - and know that it is not incumbent upon you to do so - you could write and thank her for her “nice” note, but then state that you see no need to meet per her suggestion as you, yourself, are quite comfortable with your current relationship as “friendly acquaintances”. Then sign off with Take Care or something equally neutral. You will have clarified your “relationship” to her, kindly but firmly.
Click to expand...
Good advice.

I think it would be appropriate to acknowledge the note, in charity, and I also particularly like the idea of stating in one way or another that it’s nice of her to offer to meet, but it’s not necessary and that you are comfortable being “friendly acquaintences”…which methinks is very good wording.
 
Okay, I’ve been stewing over this and have come to the realization that I wouldn’t feel at peace if I didn’t at least acknowledge her card. So I’m trying to acknowledge it in as indifferent of a way as possible, and in a way that won’t give her much ammunition to fire back at me. How does this sound?

Dear ______,
Thank you for the nice card. I appreciate the apology, but it wasn’t necessary as I’m really not mad at you. It was also nice of you to offer to meet, but that’s not possible for me at this time. I wish you all the best.

Take care and God bless,
In regard to the “I’m really not mad at you” part: My reasons for not being friends with this girl go way beyond anger, which was in my past and which I have gotten over. Unfortunately I cannot explain my reasons for not wanting to be her friend to her because I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to get into it, as it’s not possible to reason with her.
What do you all think? Any changes I should make? Thanks again for your help. You guys are a blessing!
 
I just want to add in addition to all the other advice,
while i agree it’s not necessary to be close friends with this girl in an intimate way, it’s still very important to be friends in a spiritual way, as Jesus tells us, not only to be friends with those we like, but also with those who are our enemies,
but the question here would be, how can you be a friend to your enemy?
well, first of all, human respect needs to be thrown right out the window, because human respect is a vice, it’s a sin and it’s a very common one in our society today, not excluding Catholics,
human respect is basically putting your fear of offending or hurting others over the fear of offending or hurting God, it is regarding mans opinion of you higher than Gods,
and so human respect is one of the main causes for when we omit what is our duty or what is right, or it is the cause of what we do that is wrong, for example - omitting some serious sin in confession because we are afraid of what the priest would think of us, or not speaking up when a good friend blasphemes God because you don’t want them to hate you, or not admonishing a friend of their sins because you do not want to hurt or offend them…etc, etc, etc…

so the reason i bring this up is because i have another suggestion to make,
do not brush this girl off, she is leaving the door open for you to speak about anything at all that may be the problem in your relationship with her, and i think it is a wonderful opportunity to try and help her spiritually and admonish her of her sins(atleast the one that you spoke of, which is very serious)
think of it this way, you don’t want to have her in your life anyways, so what’s it to you if she takes it the wrong way or not?
of course we must be gentle and charitable when admonishing others of their sins, and it must be done privately and with prudence. but it seems to me, you have here the perfect opportunity to do just that.

look at it this way, everything in our life, every person in our life, has been placed there by God for some good reason, and it is up to us to choose whether or not to make something good of it…although we must always remember that without God we can do nothing, and so first and foremost we must pray for His grace and guidance to do the right thing and follow and cooperate with His divine will,
of course you can never know how someone will react to your admonishions, but remember that you do it first for the love of God, and second for the love of your neighbor, and as Saint Alphonsus tells us, when we have the love of God as our intention in all things, then we should not be disturbed or disquieted when things don’t go the way we expected or the way we would have liked, but instead we must be content simply with doing our best for the love of God, because a pure intention consists in pleasing God, not man.

the only thing i am asking here is to take pity on her poor soul, the reason she is in this state in the first place may very well be because there is no one who is truly caring for her,
you are repelled by the thought of being friends with her, but that may only be because you see friendship with her according to her own designs of it, so i am merely suggesting, why not be a friend to her as Jesus designs it to be? love her not as someone who pleases you or is useful to you, but as someone who is loved by God, who Jesus died for and longs for,
and at the very least, if she does not accept your admonishions, then you can still be a true friend just by praying for her or having masses said for her.

i know it’s not the easy thing to do, but it is the right thing to do,
it seems to be the custom in our society today, even largely among Catholics, to have the attitude of “It’s their problem, not mine”…but that is completely false, and contrary to what God commands us, It is our duty as Christians to admonish sinners and instruct the ignorant,
Jesus commands us to love our neighbor, and the church tells us the way to love our neighbor is first to wish them well for the love of God, and then to preform the spiritual and corporal works of mercy,
and in this case, the spiritual works of mercy are -
To admonish the sinner.
To instruct the ignorant.
To counsel the doubtful.
To comfort the sorrowful.
To bear wrongs patiently.
To forgive all injuries.
To pray for the living and the dead

those are not suggestions, but duties, we sin by omitting them when we have the opportunity or are in the position to do so,
in regards to admonishing sinners and instructing the ignorant, there does need to be a degree of knowledge, and we must likewise be capable to acting with kindness and gentleness, so if either of those things are lacking and causing you to be incapable of helping someone in that way, then it is either your duty to direct them to someone who can help them, or if even that is not an option, then to pray for them and try and be a good example to them at the very least.
although if one has the ability to learn their faith well enough to admonish and instruct others by it, and yet chooses not to learn at all, then that is also a sin.

It’s not so much a sin to not do specific “things” to help your neighbor, but instead the importance lies on simply doing what you *can *do to help, whatever that may be.

so anyways, my suggestion is, take this opportunity to admonish this girl, in a loving and gentle manner, for the sake of her immortal soul.
there are only two reasons we are here on this earth, to save our own soul, and to save the souls of others, or in other words, we are here to make it to heaven, and our purpose is to know, love, and serve God in this life, so that we may be happy with Him in the next, and we must strive not only to accomplish that in ourselves, but in others as well…

ok, sorry to make that so long, but i hope this helps, and i will pray for you and your friend.
take care.
 
I agree that an email would be best. Be sure that you tell her exactly WHY you don’t want to be friends anymore, not just telling her “I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” If it were me in this situation, I would leave the door open for us to potentially become friends again in the future if she wants to change and if she can PROVE that she has changed. Good luck!
 
I believe your question, as written, asked how you could convey to someone that you do not choose to be “friends” with them, in the social sense. One could read all manner of things into the concept of the word “friends” and what that might mean. As well, it likely means different things to different people. Clearly, this woman has quite a different notion as to what a friend is as evidenced by past behavior and that she has come out of the blue, apropos of nothing, to now challenge you. You are rightfully and correctly responding with confusion.

A note…meet kind with kind…in response, reminding her that you are, in fact, “friendly acquaintances” is all that is required to respond to this untoward communique from her. Enjoining her further from a stance of undertaking to instruct, correct, admonish, judge is to bring elements into your request, and stated goal, that are unnecessary. You are not required to invest yourself unwisely and, given your experience with the dramas from which you have already removed yourself (wisely), to do so would be unwise.
 
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