How do I treat my brother's mistress?

[guamani]

Now I look at it this way. Sin is sin, no exeptions. I did have that situation in my life 20 years ago. My brother’s wife was a “not very nice with my parents woman”. My brother could not go home visit my mom and dad or had nothing to do with me. This woman was a total disaster. My brother met another woman dated her for some time before divorcing his wife. My parents, were probalby hungry for his love and the first day he dare to visit us with his mistress they accepted her. I was 22 and I was in shock to see that. I knew it was wrong and I knew it would not last. It was a big mistake to accept his behavior because he went back to his wife and kids five years later, and now his wife, his kids and him blame my parents for accepting his mistress. The good thing about this was that a little boy was born and he is the only grandson that visits and cares for my mother. And he is the only nephew that cares about me and talks to me. Sin is sin and the consecuences are terrible. My father died without reconciliation with my brother. My mother still suffering his loss, because now she lost her son. He has not called home in twenty years not even for my moms birthdays. I have no hard feelings for him because I know he is sick and can’t help to deal with his situation only in the way he is doing.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Hmmmm, it takes two to wreck the home. It’s not just her fault. The philandering husband too is responsible for hooking up with her in the first place. He too is just as guilty, if not more so. He discarded his wife like a piece of garbage. What does that say about him?

I answered tho OP’s question about how to treat HER.

When he asks how to treat him I’ll answer that one.

 

[Iowander]

Well, the inevitable happened. My two-year old and I went to see my brother at his work, and his girlfriend also happened to be there. I shook her hand and said “nice to meet you” when he introduced her. It was very awkward, and he was obviously very nervous about it. In fact, when he introduced her, he said “this is (my wife’s name)” and then he corrected himself (my wife was not there). I didn’t introduce my son, and I didn’t really talk to her otherwise. I was thinking that my son would barely notice she was there, but today he is recounting the story of going to see his uncle, and he is using my brother’s wife’s name to refer to this girl, although this is not because he’s confused that they’re the same person or something like that…

 

[Alisa]

In my opinion, it’s not necessary to treat a brother and mistress as if you were ALL FOR what is going on. That’s their business. But I think we still need to be civil and polite to “sinners”, as we would be to more “righteous” people. I still say: If you do not approve of an adulterous relationship, then don’t have one yourself! The same could be said of any sin. Clean up your own act and do the best you can, day by day and person by person. Surely that requires enough energy to have none left to look around for the sins of others. I know it’s hard to watch a person you love do self-destructive things, but leave him or her in the hands of God and pray about it. Just my opinion, as I said.

 

[Suzq2]

This situation is all too common these days. People commit adultery, families are destroyed and no one is supposed to pick sides. Well, there is right and wrong behavior and your brother’s behavior is sinful.

“Thou shall not commit adultery.” Plain and simple, no gray area. “Love the sinner, hate the sin” is not in the bible, but “Admonish the sinner” is a Corporal Work of Mercy.

People don’t want to be viewed as not being “civil”. So, they go through their life acting civily and accepting one bad behavior after another. Why should you have to accept adulterous behavior? Your brother makes a choice everyday to continue to commit adultery and there are consequences - one being the loss of a relationship with his brother and his family. You’re not judging, you’re reacting to his behavior.

I wouldn’t tell you not to have a relationship with your brother, but I would NOT let my child around him or his mistress. The adultery is just a symptom of a selfish, irrational lifestyle.

 

[Alisa]

I respectfully disagree with you, Suzq2. We are responsible for our own actions and not those of others. Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” I agree that it is our obligation to guide minor children in the way we see fit. It’s not our responsibility nor our business to “guide” the lives of other adults. And no matter how we feel about what other adults are doing, we should always keep those doors open with our loved ones. Let each person be responsible for his or her own actions and be gentle to other people whose paths may be different from our own. Each person is on his own path. If we feel more “right” or enlightened than another person, who are we to be smug and righteous about it?

 

[PatriceA]

I respectfully disagree with you, Suzq2. We are responsible for our own actions and not those of others. Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” I agree that it is our obligation to guide minor children in the way we see fit. It’s not our responsibility nor our business to “guide” the lives of other adults. And no matter how we feel about what other adults are doing, we should always keep those doors open with our loved ones. Let each person be responsible for his or her own actions and be gentle to other people whose paths may be different from our own. Each person is on his own path. If we feel more “right” or enlightened than another person, who are we to be smug and righteous about it?

I agree. And as try as I might to live up to the Church teachings to the best of my abilities, there may very well be a time that I might find myself in a situation that I need compassion and understanding from those in my life. I can not expect anybody to give me the love and kindness that I haven’t given to somebody else when they are in a situation that I find very difficult to accept.

 

[Natural_Family]

To my parents’ credit, they did tell him bluntly that he was not to kick his wife out of the house. But, he had some kind of schedule in his mind for when he wanted his girlfriend to move in, and he acted on it. I have told my parents that they should take a more forceful stand on the whole situation, and their attitude has been “well, he’s an adult, and we can’t tell him what to do.” Also, they’re of the opinion (despite what I’ve told them) that my brother and his wife’s marriage isn’t a real marriage anyway because it was performed by a justice of the peace. Thus, they think it’s ok for him to get a divorce. His marriage may indeed not be valid, but I explained that’s not for us to presume, and it he shouldn’t be “dating” in the mean time.

It seems from what you’ve said that your brother’s marriage is not valid. A Catholic cannot contract a valid marriage outside the Church without a dispensation (and you can’t get one for a civil marriage). Therefore, he wouldn’t need an annulment to marry in the Catholic Church. This does not excuse the way he has treated his ‘wife’ and she should still receive your compassion.
It also doesn’t make his relationship with his girlfriend okay. He may not be living with her adulterously, but it is still sinful. I would, however, address this situation differently than if your brother were also living in adultery. There is a slight possibility that he could end up in a valid marriage with her. It sounds unlikely, though. It’s more likely that they would keep living in a defacto relationship or contract another civil marriage. You probably had a situation like this before his first marriage.
I would be polite to her, as if she were a normal girlfriend, but not visit his home as a family or treat them as a family unit. It’s difficult to explain such things to children as we’d rather not have to deal with invalid marriages or people living together when they’re so young. You will have to deal with it eventually, though, as such situations are so prevalent. They’re so young that they will probably forget the first ‘wife’ if there is no reconciliation. I would write to the brother expressing my disappointment at the bad example he is showing your children and noting what would rectify his situation - ie. treating his ‘wife’ with charity, reconciling with the Church by going to Confession and returning to the practice of his faith, living a chaste life and marrying in the Church if he is to remarry.
Then I would pray for him and the two women (and I will, for your family as well).
May God bless you in raising your family with good values so that you will not face this situation with your own children.

 

[rayne89]

It seems from what you’ve said that your brother’s marriage is not valid. A Catholic cannot contract a valid marriage outside the Church without a dispensation (and you can’t get one for a civil marriage). Therefore, he wouldn’t need an annulment to marry in the Catholic Church.

Yes he would need a declaration of nullity due to lack of form -meaning not being married in in the church. Much easier than other types to get -but still required.

 

[Alisa]

I agree, PatriceA. From time to time, every human being finds him- or herself in a situation that challenges deeply-held beliefs. Each one of us may hope and pray to hande the situation correctly, but it doesn’t always happen that way. Who are we to judge? That old saying: “Never judge another human bing unless you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins,” or something like that – is so true. Let’s let God do the judging and turn our energies and efforts to living our own lives the best we can.

 

[Norseman82]

I respectfully disagree with you, Suzq2. We are responsible for our own actions and not those of others. Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” I agree that it is our obligation to guide minor children in the way we see fit. It’s not our responsibility nor our business to “guide” the lives of other adults. And no matter how we feel about what other adults are doing, we should always keep those doors open with our loved ones. Let each person be responsible for his or her own actions and be gentle to other people whose paths may be different from our own. Each person is on his own path. If we feel more “right” or enlightened than another person, who are we to be smug and righteous about it?

I agree, PatriceA. From time to time, every human being finds him- or herself in a situation that challenges deeply-held beliefs. Each one of us may hope and pray to hande the situation correctly, but it doesn’t always happen that way. Who are we to judge? That old saying: “Never judge another human bing unless you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins,” or something like that – is so true. Let’s let God do the judging and turn our energies and efforts to living our own lives the best we can.

These “situations that challenge deeply held beliefs” could really be mortal sins (or occasions to mortal sin), the penalty of which is hell.

CCC 1868 does state that we have a responsibility for the sins of others if we cooperate with them:

usccb.org/catechism/text/pt3sect1chpt1art8.shtml

Additionally, there is that part in Ezekiel where where it is warned that if we do not warn someone to not sin, we could share in the punishment for the sin.

 

[Alisa]

Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this and probably lots of issues. If God truly wanted us to meddle in the decisions and values of other human beings, this world would be strife- and resentment-filled indeed! Come to think of it, maybe that’s why this world in face IS strife and resentment filled right now – people are too busy trying to organize the lives of others (and I’m talking about the Islamic people as well as Christians and others). Sorry for straying off the point a little.

 

[Norseman82]

If God truly wanted us to meddle in the decisions and values of other human beings, this world would be strife- and resentment-filled indeed!

Did not Christ say that He came not to bring peace but division? And that family members would be set against one another?

 

[Alisa]

Well, Norseman, if I truly believed God meant us to err on the side of intolerance rather than on the side of loving kindness and harmonious family lives, I could not call myself a Christian.

Sometimes I’m suspicious that when people are unable to focus on the “plank” in their own eye, it’s because they find it much easier to focus on the transgressions of others. They then can feel “right” and “godly” in comparison to other people.

But the issue here was a specific question raised by a brother in Christ about how he should treat the mistress of his brother. My opinion, which I shared in the thread, is that he should treat her with civility and kindness. I’m sure that, in her position, she doesn’t expect to necessarily be treated decently by the family of her boy friend. Maybe by “passing forward” kindness and civility, it might make her think and do her some good too. But maybe I’m naive. I just know that the poser of the question would do more harm than good to his brother and to his family by treating this woman with venom.

 

[Norseman82]

Well, Norseman, if I truly believed God meant us to err on the side of intolerance rather than on the side of loving kindness and harmonious family lives, I could not call myself a Christian.

Ah, yes - preach a truth that makes people uncomfortable, and get accused of being “intolerant”. And one wonders why the world is in such a rotten state today…

The problem today is that we are “tolerating” too much.

 

[PatriceA]

Ah, yes - preach a truth that makes people uncomfortable, and get accused of being “intolerant”. And one wonders why the world is in such a rotten state today…

The problem today is that we are “tolerating” too much.

And some of us would say we are too judgemental and are too quick to easily turn our backs on the very people we love and even complete strangers.

 

[GraceDK]

Thanks for all of the replies.

You’re right, Patrice, that I should probably be thinking of this girl more charitably. Setting that aside, I just feel like being social with her somehow participates in the scandal, but I’m not sure when it won’t feel like that anymore. I guess it will be better after the divorce is finalized, but even then, I don’t want my kids mistaking friendly socializing as an endorsement of their living situation.

I keep thinking about Jesus at the well with the Samaritan woman, but I just don’t know how to properly interact with them in this way.

“Your brother and his mistress”.
I dont like this use of words. You dont know anything about this woman.
How about you label your brother in like terms… systematically calling him the adulterer or something like that? Not likely because you love him, right.
Agh. People do stupid things in life because of love and hatred and emotions and primitive stupidity or arrogance.
Should people be labelled in your world according to their sins? So what are you… the thief? the fornicator perhaps? or the liar?
How can it be that you and others say: the brother and the mistress? instead of the adulterer and the woman… ?
Just a thought… maybe a feminist thought… but I just get annoyed with the labelling of women and the victimizing of men as innocent seduced boys.

 

[crazzeto]

I’d be civil, but I also would be incapable of not letting my sibling know how I felt about this situation… More over, while being civil I would also be honest with this mistress regarding my feelings about what they did… Perhaps I wouldn’t use words like “home wrecker” and such, as much as just really quesiton what they’re thinking hooking up with someone that would so easily abandon their family… Of course before approching this topic, I would spend a lot of time in prayer, and meditation on the subject.

 

[Miss_Linda]

Ah, yes - preach a truth that makes people uncomfortable, and get accused of being “intolerant”. And one wonders why the world is in such a rotten state today…

The problem today is that we are “tolerating” too much.

Amen!!!

 

[Suzq2]

Adultery should not be tolerated. As adultery is a sin, my judgement tells me that it is a sin that must be stopped immediately. If the brother that continues to commit adultery has not shown remorse or tried to make reparations for his sin of adultery, the family should not be required to show compassion and acceptance.

Now, if the brother has stopped the adultery and apologized for the adulterous behavior, that would be another story. But, that doesn’t seem to be the case here. The OP’s brother chooses to continue to commit adultery, has destroyed his family (a husband and a wife are a family) and he wants his family to accept him and his new lover. The OP has choices, too based on the actions of his brother.