lolmom,
It sounds like what you want isn’t a way out, but a healthy marriage and healthy husband. I think preparing to have the option to leave your husband until he gets help is a very Christian thing to do, as it may be your best hope of avoiding civil divorce without leaving you and the children vulnerable to his bad choices. I firmly believe that with prayer and discernment, you can make these preparations with a spirit of love for your husband and family.
I went through a rough period with my husband last year, and the turning point was absolutely when we were in marriage counseling together and the counselor asked what I thought would happen if my husband continued his behavior. Although I had never conciously thought about long-term separation or civil divorce, I apparently had touched on the idea a little in the back of my mind. Without hesitation, I described several steps I would take (more counseling, temporary seperations so I could get a break and keep coping, asking family for help, etc.) before moving to semi-permanent seperation if that was necessary to protect the children from his behavior (neglect due to depression). I was even able to guess at a timeline of two years before I would feel we needed to try semi-permanent seperation until he got the help he needed, unless I saw change before we reached that point. I was not angry when I said this, but very frightened and visibly shaking at the prospect, as I love my husband very much and would suffer greatly if we had to seperate for any reason.
My goals, if we needed to seperate, would have been first to care for the children and I, and secondly to support him in getting the medical help, counseling, and family support he needed so that he could come back to our family and be a father to his children again without daily hurting them with his disconnected, neglectful, negative behavior. Since he wasn’t employed, they were being exposed to this behavior all day long and it was seriously impacting them. Fortunately, he was able to understand the situation more clearly once he saw what it would cost everyone if his behavior continued, and somehow that was enough to convince him to try to be involved again. I realize this isn’t the same as your situation in many ways, and that my DH’s behavior may not have been as harmful as your husband’s may be (hard to say with just the 'Net between us to convey our situations), but I do believe I learned a lot about charity and living as husband and wife during this ordeal that you may be able to apply to your situation.
I would recommend a Gottman-trained marriage counselor, even if they are not necessarily Catholic. Our counselor was absolutely amazing, and very quickly started to grasp the situation and worked into the heart of the matter to see what was happening. She was also firmly dedicated to the idea that most marriages can and should be saved by changing the behaviors that lead to divorce, a basic concept underlying Gottman’s research.
I think that not using the advice to ignore the negative and only focus on the positive is really good wisdom for your situation. Once the negative gets this serious, you need to make sure you are making it visible. That advice is for situations where focusing on the negative is itself the problem; however, there are real problems here that are far more than just your perception of your husband. The key, I think, is to make the negative visible as charitably as possible, so that your husband can more easily embrace the idea that he needs to change and will be loved even if he admits his failings. Although “Love and Logic” is about parenting, I found a lot of the ideas from it carried over to my marriage during the worst of our problems, especially when dealing with passive-aggressiveness, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
One thing that I found very helpful was to offer up my side of our most difficult discussions to God, so that He might help me serve Him through my part of the conversation. This helped me stay calm, loving, and focused on helping my husband make the right choices and understand the consequences of his choices. I believe that God appreciates it when we offer Him these powerful moments of our lives that could so easily become heated arguments. Often, my husband would be upset and frustrated after these conversations, while I would be sorrowful and very moved by his condition - yet also firm, despite DH’s efforts to avoid responsibility. However, these conversations gradually began to accumulate some sort of effect in our marriage, where DH slowly changed a little after each one (and I changed too, although I’m not sure exactly how), and now I find that he is much more willing to discuss difficult topics with me without playing games, and will even raise these conversations sometimes or offer suggestions about how we can deal with the problems in our lives. While my husband is still struggling, so am I, but now these struggles feel a lot more similar in scope, and I really do feel like he is aiding me in my own frailties just as much as I am helping him.
Pardon the length, but I really feel for you in this situation. Although it is different in many ways from what we went through over a year ago, there are enough similarities that I truly find hope for you in our own experiences.
May God bless you and be with you and your family in this difficult time. May He help you and your family to grow in love and charity through this ordeal, and protect you from the pain of a broken family. Amen.
-LFL
