How do my sins of impurity effect others?

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Hi all,
I’ll try to keep this as clean as I can. I am a married man, 30’s with kids. I have been an “impurity addict” since age 13, I still am. I have gotten much better over the past few years yet this sin hangs on. I have been put on medication, received counseling and even purity coaching, yet the sin continues. In this question I’m not asking how to stop (yet any advice would be helpful). My question right now is this: How do my sins of impurity effect others? What I mean is if I am “impure with myself” how does that effect others I don’t even know? How does it effect those I do know but don’t know of my problems? What about those I know who do know about my problems? Lastly, in what ways does impurity effect me? (I know it is a mortal sin, and I know what that means - hell.) I’d like to know about spiritual effects, mental effects, physical effects, as well as emotional effects. Also any good Catholic books that deal with this specific area of impurity (effects of this sin)? Thanks a head of time.
 
Shameless said:
I agree. I have heard that before, but do you know how this happens?
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The Body of Christ is a mystery which we will not fully comprehrnd this side of the beatific vision. One can make an analogy to the human body. If you have a persistent lesion on your private parts your overall health is compromised and your faculties are diminshed.

Our habitual sins are “persistent lesions” on our souls. As each of us is incorporated in the Mystical Body of Christ, our sins affect the spiritual health of all and obstruct the perfection of all.

JSA
 
Shameless said:
In this question I’m not asking how to stop (yet any advice would be helpful).
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Hello brother,
Yes, there is a way to stop. With lots of pray, confession and repentance.
Shameless said:
How do my sins of impurity effect others?
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Our body and soul are the temple of the Holy Spirit.
If we destroy them, we affect the Holy Spirit.
If we commit sins, we nailed Jesus to the Cross.
If we do not remain our live in the Bible, how would we guide our kids to be closer to God. We affect our children.
If we commit sins, we are blinded and not seeing the sins of the world; how would we spend time praying for others to convert?
Shameless said:
in what ways does impurity effect me?
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  • spiritual effects: God wants to provide us graces. If we are sinful; we ourselves build a brick wall that stop graces coming to us from God. We can not see what God has been preparing for us.
  • mental effects: the impurity never makes us happy, but an emptiness inside our heart.
  • physical effects: you get old quickly; your health gets drained out. And when we are sick, we might not think straight about things.
    -emotional effects: never feel happy but feeling guilty instead.
Shameless said:
any good Catholic books that deal with this specific area of impurity
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I do not know, but the good one is to keep praying and go confession. When temptation comes, call Jesus, Virgin Mary, and St. Joseph to protect you.

God bless!

PS: just found this thread with some info for you:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=118661
 
Well, speaking from experience…my ex husband pretty much destroyed our relationship when he chose to masturbate rather than to engage in sex with me. At first I didn’t know this was what was going on and blamed myself for his lack of interest. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not feminine enough? Was I not worthy of his attentions? What was I doing wrong? I tried asking him and talking to him, even nagging him after about a year of marital celibacy. I cried myself to sleep for about a year and a half straight…every night! I even broke down and cried at work and asked my boss what was wrong with me that he was never interested. I asked the boss why he had an affair with every and I do mean every woman in the office but me…what he said astounded me…he respected me and knew I would never do that… Geez…I look at how bad I felt and I can’t believe I ever let him destroy my self esteem. I even debated whether I wanted to live on a constant basis… So what was wrong with me? Anyway, I was feeling particularly bad for a very long time when I found out he had been masturbating to pleasure himself. I won’t give the particulars, but I was very hurt and if it hadn’t been for some very good friends, I might not have been here today. Do you know how low you have to be to cry to your boss and ask him why he never tried to have an affair with you? It wasn’t my brightest hour!

That is just one example of how it can affect others…

Funny thing, and it pretty much goes without saying…I am not ugly, I am not fat, I am not unintelligent. I am feminine, slender, tall, pretty(I was a model)…but I thought I was the ugliest, fatest, moron in the world.
 
Regardless of how your sins of purity affect other people or not, they certainly affect you (negatively). It shapes how you view women, and how you view sex. You tend to view women as sexual objects and sex itself as something entirely selfish and for your own pleasure alone.

Not to mention as an ‘instinct’ or ‘urge’ that you can’t control. Try talking to anyone who’s been caught out by their parents - believe you me, it can indeed be controlled when need be.

And they affect God, who created your body, gifted you with sexuality and ordained certain expressions of that sexuality as being appropriate, healthy and useful. He doesn’t give us laws about sex just to be difficult. He knows that it’s easier to be chaste if single, and/or faithfully monogamous if married, if you don’t get caught up in sins against purity.

As someone who has my own struggles in this regard, it’s not always easy to control, but with plenty of prayer, frequent confession and Mass and the Eucharist as often as possible, it’s do-able.
 
LilyM said:
Regardless of how your sins of purity affect other people or not, they certainly affect you (negatively).

And they affect God, who created your body, gifted you with sexuality and ordained certain expressions of that sexuality as being appropriate, healthy and useful.
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AMEN!!! Is this anagolous to “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it…?”
 
Shameless said:
Hi all,
I’ll try to keep this as clean as I can. I am a married man, 30’s with kids. I have been an “impurity addict” since age 13, I still am. I have gotten much better over the past few years yet this sin hangs on. I have been put on medication, received counseling and even purity coaching, yet the sin continues. In this question I’m not asking how to stop (yet any advice would be helpful). My question right now is this: How do my sins of impurity effect others? What I mean is if I am “impure with myself” how does that effect others I don’t even know? How does it effect those I do know but don’t know of my problems? What about those I know who do know about my problems? Lastly, in what ways does impurity effect me? (I know it is a mortal sin, and I know what that means - hell.) I’d like to know about spiritual effects, mental effects, physical effects, as well as emotional effects. Also any good Catholic books that deal with this specific area of impurity (effects of this sin)? Thanks a head of time.
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First of all - take a deep breath and calm down. Know that based on what you have shared with us it is very possible that in your case this is not mortal sin. It sounds as if you are under grave compulsion. So do not fear hell so much as try to embrace the mercy of God. Yet even though it may not be a mortal sin in your case that does not mean that it does not effect others.

First let’s talk spiritual effects:

St. Paul says:

For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of the body, being many, are one body; so also is Christ. For in one Spirit were we all baptized into one body, whether Jews or Greeks, whether bond or free; and were all made to drink of one Spirit. For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; it is not therefore not of the body. And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; it is not therefore not of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? But now hath God set the members each one of them in the body, even as it pleased him. And if they were all one member, where were the body? But now they are many members, but one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, I have no need of thee: or again the head to the feet, I have no need of you. Nay, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be more feeble are necessary: and those parts of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness; whereas our comely parts have no need: but God tempered the body together, giving more abundant honour to that part which lacked; that there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffereth, all the members suffer with it; or one member is honoured, all the members rejoice with it. Now ye are the body of Christ, and severally members thereof.
(1Co 12:12-27)

So we effect each one to the other in a negative way when we sin because we are all one body but also in virtue we effect all unto righteousness.

Second the practical:

This can effect relationships as has been noted by another poster. However, since you are married if you approach your wife in your brokenness then perhaps her loving concern for you can turn this into an act of mercy for her and point of healing for you.

With others who are not so intimate it can also harm. This is because sexual sins tend to be rooted in control and/or narcissism. These are obvious hindrances to any kind of good relationship.

With those that know it can be like your spouse (as I mentioned above). For them, if you ask them, it can be an opportunity for prayer.

For yourself it can lead to sorrow and despair if you are not careful. This is why I told you to not let hell be ever over and against you as you are fighting this behavior. Rather, turn your back on the fear of hell and embrace the fear of the Lord which is really an awe at His abundant mercy. Trust in Him and have faith and He can heal you as He did the crippled and the sick.

One practical solution that I would advise. Find a work of charity to do that you can do at least once a week. What I mean is a physical act of charity such as volunteer work at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen or something to that nature. Fulton Sheen paraphrased a Chinese proverb that fits your situation and all of ours in dealing with sin: “If you have no shoes find a man with no feet.” Corporal works of mercy are a real cure if done out of love for any number of sins.
 
How do MY sins of impurity affect others?
They change the kind of person I am, the way I relate to people, the way I view people and treat them. If I abuse myself that alters my perception of the reality of my creation in the image and likeness of God and profanes that reality. The altered self-image in turn affects how I see other people, and impedes my ability to see God in them.

If I am married that is where the real damage begins. By conducting myself in terms of placing my own sensual gratification as my first need, and telling myself that my urges are needs rather than desires, I altar the whole meaning and balance of the marriage relationship. Because my pleasure comes first, I become incapable of the true self-giving that defines marriage.

If my sin includes self-abuse that involves masturbation, and the nasty habit that nearly always accompanies it, pornography, I lose appreciation and desire for the gift of my spouse to me. I altar the way I relate to my spouse, and denigrate my spouse’s needs and desires, and relegate my spouse to an object of my fantasy or an object to gratify my impulses. Even our mutual sex acts become for me, essentially mutual masturbation, because I am fixated in that immature mode of experience sexual pleasure.

When I allow the habits of sexual impurity to dominate me I surrender my free will and the higher attributes of my human nature and heed only the bestial urges and instincts. That makes me less than the real mature, functioning human being I was meant to be, and consequently all my relationships with other humans are dysfunctional to the degree that I deny my own higher nature.

If I am a parent, by remaining mired in immature sexual acting out and refusing to develop the essential attributes of a mature adult: self-control, self-discipline and mastery of the will, I am denying my children the model of a functioning adult, which is my job as a parent.
 
Thank you for the responses. I am glad I can come here and get good Catholic advice.

I’m not positive I am addicted, (I’m not sure how you know) I don’t have any SA groups in my area, as I said I have done the purity coaching but my problem has been not doing what I was taught to do when tempted. So I’m not sure if:
  • I need to change my will, if so how do I do that?
  • Can the brain be re-wired, if so how?
  • I don’t have much money, so a counselor or some other help will be a problem.
  • I have periods where I want purity, my longest period of purity this year was 38 days (that’s actually good for me), I normally can stay pure for 7 or 8 days but after that the old habits come back and I usually don’t notice until I’m already in a state of sin. The moving back and forth, in and out of sin is taking a toll on me. Once I do fall into a state of sin, I needlessly put off Confession (another sin) and free fall until Confession on Saturday.
  • I know what I’m supposed to do, why can’t I get myself to do it?
Again thank you all, may God bless you.
 
Shameless said:
  • I need to change my will, if so how do I do that?
  • Can the brain be re-wired, if so how?
  • I don’t have much money, so a counselor or some other help will be a problem.
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The solution to stop this problem is Not all about mentally. Do not waste money on any counselor or psychiatrist , instead spend more time with priest - it is free!. When one person fully understands how his sin againsts God and destroy his soul, he will stop it for good.

Like I mentioned before, pray a lot. Talk to your priest and go confession. These are the doses for preventing impurity. I was wondering how much time you pray per day?
 
Have you heard of quick prayers in the moment of temptation? I use those like mine is:
“Get behind me Saan for you are thinking as man thinks, but not as God” And then i repeat “Jesus Mary and Joseph” till it goes away. Also, with regards to the brain, the more we entertain bad thoughts, the more we re-inforce that wiring, so we must busy ourselves, and may have to take extreme measures to refrain from things that do the opposite, even avoid movies or music or internet sites. hope that can be of some use and God bless you in your continued struggle because for those who truly believe, Christ will FREE you of this bondage!
 
water said:
The solution to stop this problem is Not all about mentally. Do not waste money on any counselor or psychiatrist , instead spend more time with priest - it is free!. When one person fully understands how his sin againsts God and destroy his soul, he will stop it for good.

Like I mentioned before, pray a lot. Talk to your priest and go confession. These are the doses for preventing impurity. I was wondering how much time you pray per day?
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I pray twice a day, morning and evening. Prayer has been very difficult for me lately. Actually I haven’t been praying much in the evenings or much in the morning. I have a wife and five young kids so it is hard to find quiet time for prayer. I have been going to Confession once a week or once every two weeks for about 2 years now. I was talking to a priest but the assoc. pastor just recently got transferred so now they are a one priest parish. The priest doesn’t have much free time any more.
 
OK buddy, I got a few suggestions.

First of all: a lot of us have been in a situation pretty close to yours at some point. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, I recommend getting a spiritual director that you can COMPLETELY open up to, learn to be totally transparent with this priest. During spiritual direction go to confession with this priest so that it is face to face and always with the same priest. I dont know if you are already doing this or not, but if you arent, please give it a shot. The accountability of always going to the same priest for face to face confession is incredibly helpful.

You should try to deepen your prayer life as well. I would advise you to pray the Liturgy of the Hours for morning, midday, evening, and night prayer. Its an awesome way of really staying focused during the entire day. Also, if you aren’t already doing this now, start going to Eucharistic Adoration on a regular basis. Thats a really big help.

Lastly, just think of your wife. Think of how much you love her and think about how falling into sins of impurity is one way of loving her less. That might not sound true, but it is.

Trust me: There is little else on earth that is more liberating than freeing ourselves of a sin.

Oh yeah, and check out the quote from st. Wolfrand below, thats one thing that I had to tell myself a lot when struggling with different sins. We really dont have all the time in the world to fix our problems. Today is the day.
 
Dear Shameless,

I see that you have been struggling with this sin for a long time now. I want to say that I really admire you for never losing hope and not giving up. That’s no easy task!

I wonder if perhaps you are overthinking the matter? I know I do that sometimes when I overthink things, I make small problems look much larger. Also, when I think about how or why I am going to do things for too long of a time, I am really putting off just doing it.

Your only job is to stop when you catch yourself in the habit again. You don’t need to convince yourself of this action’s wrongness. You are already convinced. 👍 Now you just need to consciously put your money where your mouth is every time you find yourself in a bad situation. Breaking the habit is going to be difficult, painful, and frustrating no matter how many facts you know regarding the bad effects of this sin.

But since you asked, here is another way in which solitary sin (of all kinds) affects others: cognitive dissonance.

What it means for normal people is that humans can’t hold two conflicting thoughts for very long. If we try either one thought will win over the other or we will go a little loopy. When someone engages in solitary sin, he must justify it to himself for at least a few minutes, or else he would not do it. This justification seeps into other parts of his life. The sin in and of itself is self-abuse, and your willingness to self-abuse is affecting on some level both how you treat yourself and how you treat others. It happens in ways that you may not even consciously realize or be able to identify.

So there’s a good reason to stop.

Remember that discouragement is the most oft-used tool of the devil. You can do this! 🙂
 
BlestOne said:
Well, speaking from experience…my ex husband pretty much destroyed our relationship when he chose to masturbate…
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There’s another good reason for a married man to stop. I was once in an invalid marriage in which I was beaten, yelled at, and abused in any way you can think of. But none of those things hurt me as deeply as his pornography/masturbation habit. Food for thought.
 
Shameless said:
Thank you for the responses. I am glad I can come here and get good Catholic advice.

I’m not positive I am addicted, (I’m not sure how you know) I don’t have any SA groups in my area, as I said I have done the purity coaching but my problem has been not doing what I was taught to do when tempted. So I’m not sure if:
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I think you are getting obsessed with this issue.

Every sin is serious. If one is easy to define, then that becomes a way of staying in halt mode, and not moving forwards. I mean both spiritually and in your marriage.

Think of something new and positive you can do, for the church or for your marriage, preferably that doesn’t involve sex at all. The do it. It won’t solve your problem, but it might get you past the roadblock.
 
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