How do people react to your large family?

[MrsFlapjack]

I have finally hit that point in my pregnancy (23 weeks) where I can longer hide it, and am slowly breaking the news to my relatives. This will be our sixth child as some of you may know. My husband and I are both converts from Protestantism and we have no support at all from our families. They believe we are a bunch of brainwashed Catholics who take their orders from Rome. When I was expecting my fifth, my grandmother even called and griped at me over the phone, saying the Catholic Church likes big families so they can keep the pews full and the money coming in.

And of course, we aren’t rich. We don’t even own a house, we rent one. In this day and age, you are expected to finish college, start a career, get married, save up money and buy a house, then start having kids. If you have kids before you buy a house, you are labeled as a complete fool.

I thank God every day for the new child He is creating inside me, but I have also been dreading telling my family. Who knows what will happen in the future. We have been using NFP to space our last couple of children out; I’m 33, so you would think I will have 10 fertile years left.

So what about you all? How do people react when you break the news you are expecting your 5,6,7… child?

 

[Gordon_Sims]

There are some in my family we’ll likely never see again due to them not just being unsupportive but downright nasty toward us. When they found out we were having our fourth we didn’t get a single word of congratulations from them. When we lost that baby, we didn’t get a single word of condolences. When we announced we were having our fifth, we went through more of the same. My mom threw a shower for my wife. While a lot of them attended, none of them talked to my wife and a couple wouldn’t even look at her. The first time we brought the baby around to a big family party, whole rooms emptied when we’d enter. We spent the evening getting dirty looks, being pointed out from across the room and even had one person literally fall over a cooler to avoid talking to us. After the anger of that evening died down, we decided to give them (the extended family) one last shot. We showed up to a party and everyone got silent. Nobody would look at us or say hi, and they made a point of rearranging their seats so that we had no choice but to sit in the corner away from the rest of the family. One out of town relative finally came over, sat with us and asked what the deal was. We explained to him that this was standard treatment toward us now. When we got up and left, he was the only person who acknowledged us. We just had our sixth and we suspect she’ll never meet most of the extended family.

One the other hand, our friends and most of the rest of our family are all very supportive. We focus on them now and do our best to ignore the others.

 

[Armyvet007]

For the most part, poorly.
-“You know what causes that right?”
-“How many kids do you plan to have?”
-“You going to do something about it?”

For the most part I ignore them or turn the tables on them and make them the uncomfortable ones.

-“Yes I know what causes it. Are you asking for some professional tips? I notice you only have 1 child.”
-“As many as God gives us. Why do you ask? Do you think we should “return to sender” some of them?”
-“Yes, be good parents.”

The only people who really irk me are other Catholics and some of my wife’s family [who think so “highly” of her that they assume she has been brain washed.]

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Congratulations and happy mothers day!!

My take on this is:

When people see you and your family, they are reminded, even if they don’t notice it, how THEY could/should be. And it ticks them off out of guilt. Most will never acknowlege this because most are not self-aware enough to do so.

 

[Rita77]

For the most part, poorly.
-“You know what causes that right?”
-“How many kids do you plan to have?”
-“You going to do something about it?”

For the most part I ignore them or turn the tables on them and make them the uncomfortable ones.

-“Yes I know what causes it. Are you asking for some professional tips? I notice you only have 1 child.”
-“As many as God gives us. Why do you ask? Do you think we should “return to sender” some of them?”
-“Yes, be good parents.”

The only people who really irk me are other Catholics and some of my wife’s family [who think so “highly” of her that they assume she has been brain washed.]

great I need to write some of those down. I don’t have a lot of advice for the op but I ignore and or avoid really rude people (family included) if at all posible. if you can’t get ready the best you can for the hell storm. some of my family I never notify about stuff anymore. oh you had another baby. yep gotta go nice seeing ya. not all family reunions are worth going to. you could tell people to be nice or we wont come.

 

[Andreas_and_Sam]

Can I ask something? It’s completely okat if you guys don’t wanna respond; but my wife and I are using NFP too, and it’s great! We’ve been married for almost half a year, and are not planning on having kids for another couple of years (wanna finish college first - at least one of us!) – but, did you “purposefully” get pregnant all four, five, six … times? Like were they all planned? That’s better put. – We have talked about kids many times, and would like to have a big family too, but since some people apparently “blame the Church” for its families having a bunch of kids, I was just wondering if you guys actually decided to have big families, or if the charting just didn’t “match up”… ? - And don’t feel like you have to respond since obviously it’s a rather personal question.

 

[ellen42]

Congratulations and happy mothers day!!

My take on this is:

When people see you and your family, they are reminded, even if they don’t notice it, how THEY could/should be. And it ticks them off out of guilt. Most will never acknowlege this because most are not self-aware enough to do so.

I agree with what you’re saying, but not exactly how you said it.

Society generally has a “life script” that people tend to follow, which the OP pointed out:

In this day and age, you are expected to finish college, start a career, get married, save up money and buy a house, then start having kids. If you have kids before you buy a house, you are labeled as a complete fool

You tend to get grief when you rock the boat. It’s not that what you’re doing is “right” or the way it “should be” and that they are “guilty”. It’s that people often just blindly follow the script and don’t think for themselves. When you present them with an alternative, you get a lot of resistance because you’re making them consider something they didn’t choose. Different is scary and you should feel bad for making me scared.

By saying that the other people are “guilty” for not being how they “could/should be” living, you’re making the same social mistake. Those people aren’t living as you are living, therefore, they must be in an inferior place and making lesser choices than you.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

By saying that the other people are “guilty” for not being how they “could/should be” living, you’re making the same social mistake. Those people aren’t living as you are living, therefore, they must be in an inferior place and making lesser choices than you.

That is why I put a slash in there…‘could’ for just about everybody and ‘should’ for, well…hmm. Me? You? the OP? Uncle Conrad & Aunt Ginny? You hit the nail on the head with:

you get a lot of resistance because you’re making them consider something they didn’t choose.

I’m feeling a little gruff today I guess.

 

[Brendan]

I’m very lucky. Both my parents and my wife’s parents come from large families and have been very supportive. (we have six ourselves)

Our best friends are expecting child #7, his family is happy and supportive, but she (who is a convert from luke warm Protestantism and is an only child) is really dreading telling her mother.

They are also renters and not very well off. Her mom doesn’t understand why they had so many kids. She would have preffered her daughter have just one or two and “enjoy life”

 

[Wackotrad]

For the most part, poorly.
-“You know what causes that right?”
]

I only have two kids, but a fellow parishioner’s husband supposedly responded to the question above with the following answer:

“Yes, we do, and so do our neighbors.” Ha ha ha.

 

[MamaSaySay]

I am pregnant with my 5th and am feeling the anxiety of when to say something to certain family. We have already been asked when are we going to stop, are we crazy for wanting a large family, and my favorite, do you know what causes that? People tell me to stop because it’s not fair to my children. I won’t be able to love them enough or spend enough money on clothes and food for them. These people came from all different sizes, and religions of families. I embrace each child as a blessing and tell them that. I wish more people would stop seeing large families as a curse and as a blessing that it is! I love having 5 sisters and my 1 brother to love my children! So keep that family growing, God will decide when you can’t handle anymore! Until then, enjoy your challenging blessings! And Happy Mother’s Day!!

 

[MrsFlapjack]

Can I ask something? It’s completely okat if you guys don’t wanna respond; but my wife and I are using NFP too, and it’s great! We’ve been married for almost half a year, and are not planning on having kids for another couple of years (wanna finish college first - at least one of us!) – but, did you “purposefully” get pregnant all four, five, six … times? Like were they all planned? That’s better put. – We have talked about kids many times, and would like to have a big family too, but since some people apparently “blame the Church” for its families having a bunch of kids, I was just wondering if you guys actually decided to have big families, or if the charting just didn’t “match up”… ? - And don’t feel like you have to respond since obviously it’s a rather personal question.

A couple of our kids were Uh-Oh’s. What funny about it though, is that we were still using condoms at the time when they were conceived. It was before we took that leap of faith and completely stopped using artificial birth control. We have been using NFP since 2007, and have not had any that were big surprises. We are the type that are using NFP to space the children out, so for the first year and a half, we make sure to abstain during my fertile periods. But as time goes by, we leave it up to God. I hope that answers your question.

 

[ellen42]

That is why I put a slash in there…‘could’ for just about everybody and ‘should’ for, well…hmm. Me? You? the OP? Uncle Conrad & Aunt Ginny? You hit the nail on the head with:

I’m feeling a little gruff today I guess.

My point is that there is no “correct answer” when it comes to family size. A family of 12 is not more holy than a family of 2. It is all about how you got to the family size, not what the family size is.

I come from a long line of small families. The women in my family seem to be genetically predisposed to be not very fertile – and certainly not for lack of trying. I know I’m highly unlikely to have 6 or 7 kids, but I’m willing to be open to life and have the one or two that God will send. I guess I’m a little annoyed by threads where people tend to push the “large families are better” mantra. They aren’t better for being large – they’re better for being open to life, just like my small family.

 

[Aggies08]

Well, if they are asking you about what causes… you can always tell them you seem to be pretty good at it!

Andreas, ours children were quite deliberate, if that helps.

 

[MomaMary8]

Can I ask something? It’s completely okat if you guys don’t wanna respond; but my wife and I are using NFP too, and it’s great! We’ve been married for almost half a year, and are not planning on having kids for another couple of years (wanna finish college first - at least one of us!) – but, did you “purposefully” get pregnant all four, five, six … times? Like were they all planned? That’s better put. – We have talked about kids many times, and would like to have a big family too, but since some people apparently “blame the Church” for its families having a bunch of kids, I was just wondering if you guys actually decided to have big families, or if the charting just didn’t “match up”… ? - And don’t feel like you have to respond since obviously it’s a rather personal question.

Hello A & S!

My DH and I got married while in college and had our first just before I entered graduate school. When we got married, we knew “what caused children” and were open to children just like we promised in our vows. We never even thought of trying to limit our family size when we got married and still have no intent to limit the size of our family. We have 10 children on earth and one in heaven. There was one time in our marriage that we had the reason to space due to health and we then used NFP conservatively. That’s our story in a very simple nutshell. God bless!

To the OP:

I have found that after the 6th or 7th child, you stop getting the insulting comments, and mainly just the ones that are in disbelief or awe. I usually approach all comments as a chance to share my faith and values. We are called to be apostolates, and what better way than through the sight of a mom happy and joyful with her children! Even when one woman was telling me to have an abortion for the “next” baby (I was 6 weeks postpartum at the time,) I kept talking with joy and charity. I also made sure my kids were with me (all 7 at the time!) every time I saw her that week just to be an example of God’s light.

God bless, and congratulations on your growing family!

 

[Andreas_and_Sam]

Thank you for the replies MrsFlapjack and Aggies08!

What is weird though, is that since we can basically “decide” when we would like to have kids by using NFP, it is also in most cases our own decision, and no one elses (other than God’s, obviously). And so why would someone indirectly blame the Church? As long as one is responsible about it, I don’t see anything wrong with having a big family. And out of all honesty; I can’t wait to have one myself!

 

[Andreas_and_Sam]

Hello A & S!

My DH and I got married while in college and had our first just before I entered graduate school. When we got married, we knew “what caused children” and were open to children just like we promised in our vows. We never even thought of trying to limit our family size when we got married and still have no intent to limit the size of our family. We have 10 children on earth and one in heaven. There was one time in our marriage that we had the reason to space due to health and we then used NFP conservatively. That’s our story in a very simple nutshell. God bless!

Thank you MomaMary8! That’s very beautiful! We are also very open to life, even if that meant we’d be pregnant by the end of the summer! We are using NFP though, just to wait a few years before having our first, although if we ended up getting pregnant we’d be just as pleased and happy — and super excited!

 

[MomaMary8]

Thank you MomaMary8! That’s very beautiful! We are also very open to life, even if that meant we’d be pregnant by the end of the summer! We are using NFP though, just to wait a few years before having our first, although** if we ended up getting pregnant we’d be just as pleased and happy — and super excited! **

well, then may God bless you abundantly! :thumbsup:

 

[airforcefamily]

We had our fifth three months ago. It was emotionally painful to tell some people. My own mom simply said “why?” and ended the conversation before I could answer. Others have been openly supportive but then we hear from others that they think we’re nuts. Many people have commented on how I’m “wasting my degree” or that I could be “living my life” instead of just taking care of kids, as though it’s less than great profession.

I think each child is just as special as the others but I don’t think some people see it that way.

With our first child everyone was over the moon thrilled. A few even cried with joy when we told them. She/we received dozens of cards that we’ve kept in her memory box. People sent flowers when I was in the hospital and we ended up stressed out from visitors and had to ask a few relatives to wait until we had time to visit with them.

With our second everyone was still very happy for us. Our fist two are only 15 months apart so I understand that there were comments of “wow, already?” but they were said in a nice way. Our second being a boy many people just assumed we were done having kids since “I got my girl and my husband got his boy”. My mom told me she was happy that we had one of each so we could stop. There were flowers in the hospital again but not as many visitors, cards, or gifts (we didn’t need or expect anything but it’s nice to get a call or card to say congratulations).

-three year gap-

With our third most everyone assumed he was a mistake (he was unplanned but joyously welcomed) and said as much. There were no flowers, a few cards and a gift or two. My mom made a big deal out of all the time she had to spend seeing me in the hospital with all these kids. He had four visitors after he was born. (Our first three kids were all born within an hour’s drive of most all of our family members so they could have visited).

With our fourth people started saying negative things and worrying how we would afford to raise all the kids. The third and fourth are 17 months apart. She was born at home and people thought we were crazy for that on top of being crazy for having four kids. At this time we had four kids under six and we home schooled. There were two cards and one visitor (we lived far away from family so that was understood). Not even her (and all the kids) godfather, my husband’s brother, bothered to come to her baptism. Being a girl I think some people assumed we were definitely done and we would have something permanent done to make sure since the family was boy/girl balanced again.

With our fifth we waited until 25 weeks to tell anyone. There were nasty comments, no cards, no visitors. I feel sad for her. I wrote her a card to put in her memory box saying how much we love her and wanted her to be born.

When we go out in public we get lots of looks. Some people smile, some ask if they’re all mine, some just say “you sure have your hands full”, some stand still while their eyes dart around counting, and some offer to help or just jump right in a corral the toddler who ran off or make silly faces for the crying baby. When home on our military base there are usually nice comments and offers of help but when we’re up north in a big city visiting family there are no offers of help and the comments are less than friendly.

 

[Armyvet007]

We had our fifth three months ago. It was emotionally painful to tell some people. My own mom simply said “why?” and ended the conversation before I could answer. Others have been openly supportive but then we hear from others that they think we’re nuts. Many people have commented on how I’m “wasting my degree” or that I could be “living my life” instead of just taking care of kids, as though it’s less than great profession.

I think each child is just as special as the others but I don’t think some people see it that way.

With our first child everyone was over the moon thrilled. A few even cried with joy when we told them. She/we received dozens of cards that we’ve kept in her memory box. People sent flowers when I was in the hospital and we ended up stressed out from visitors and had to ask a few relatives to wait until we had time to visit with them.

With our second everyone was still very happy for us. Our fist two are only 15 months apart so I understand that there were comments of “wow, already?” but they were said in a nice way. Our second being a boy many people just assumed we were done having kids since “I got my girl and my husband got his boy”. My mom told me she was happy that we had one of each so we could stop. There were flowers in the hospital again but not as many visitors, cards, or gifts (we didn’t need or expect anything but it’s nice to get a call or card to say congratulations).

-three year gap-

With our third most everyone assumed he was a mistake (he was unplanned but joyously welcomed) and said as much. There were no flowers, a few cards and a gift or two. My mom made a big deal out of all the time she had to spend seeing me in the hospital with all these kids. He had four visitors after he was born. (Our first three kids were all born within an hour’s drive of most all of our family members so they could have visited).

With our fourth people started saying negative things and worrying how we would afford to raise all the kids. The third and fourth are 17 months apart. She was born at home and people thought we were crazy for that on top of being crazy for having four kids. At this time we had four kids under six and we home schooled. There were two cards and one visitor (we lived far away from family so that was understood). Not even her (and all the kids) godfather, my husband’s brother, bothered to come to her baptism. Being a girl I think some people assumed we were definitely done and we would have something permanent done to make sure since the family was boy/girl balanced again.

With our fifth we waited until 25 weeks to tell anyone. There were nasty comments, no cards, no visitors. I feel sad for her. I wrote her a card to put in her memory box saying how much we love her and wanted her to be born.

When we go out in public we get lots of looks. Some people smile, some ask if they’re all mine, some just say “you sure have your hands full”, some stand still while their eyes dart around counting, and some offer to help or just jump right in a corral the toddler who ran off or make silly faces for the crying baby. When home on our military base there are usually nice comments and offers of help but when we’re up north in a big city visiting family there are no offers of help and the comments are less than friendly.

From my experience, military families regardless of size seem to be more accepting/supportive of large families then civilians.