How do people react to your large family?

[KCT]

God bless you! I was only blessed w/ 3 kids, but we know a number of families with 10 kids or more! One just found out #13 is on the way.

Do you best to tell supportive people first and bask in that before you tell the nay-sayers.

A friend of mine who has 11 always told me because she knew I’d be thrilled. She told her family last.

 

[28562]

I only have two kids, but a fellow parishioner’s husband supposedly responded to the question above with the following answer:

“Yes, we do, and so do our neighbors.” Ha ha ha.

Oh boy, I got a new one to add to the arsenal now…

We get that question so often it is ridiculous…

 

[28562]

My wife’s dad has been less than excited with our 2nd and 3rd kids…not rude, just shocked and not seemingly happy for us. When we told him about our 4th (now pregnant) I asked my wife (in front of him) ‘so, did you tell your dad the **good **news yet?’ I think this set the tone of the conversation so he knew how we felt and helped him with how to react…he was clearly happy and excited for us this time around.

 

[AthenaC]

Society generally has a “life script” that people tend to follow …

You tend to get grief when you rock the boat.

Isn’t that the truth! When I got pregnant at 20 (still single), I got so much attitude about how I should consider my “options” (read: abortion). I have always been and always shall be passionately pro-life, so I’m sure you can see why that was never an option.

But because of that and other experiences, I just don’t give a rip what anyone thinks anymore. I have a great husband, great kids, I have a backbone, and I know the difference between right and wrong. What more do you need? Also, it doesn’t hurt that I’m not afraid to tell people off. Most people will only criticize if they think they can get away with it; the minute you tell someone off, the criticism generally, mysteriously stops. Wonder why that is.

From my experience, military families regardless of size seem to be more accepting/supportive of large families then civilians.

That’s because the rules of the rest of society don’t really apply to military families. Military benefits scale with family size such that each additional kid is largely financially neutral. Larger families are entitled to larger houses, medical is totally free no matter how many dependents or how many times you go to the doc, etc.

Non-military families actually have to think about how they are going to make room for the additional kid, how they are going to pay for the delivery out of finite resources, etc.

 

[ellen42]

With our first child everyone was over the moon thrilled. A few even cried with joy when we told them. She/we received dozens of cards that we’ve kept in her memory box. People sent flowers when I was in the hospital and we ended up stressed out from visitors and had to ask a few relatives to wait until we had time to visit with them.

You know, I think I’d freak out if people responded like that to me being pregnant/having a child. However, I think that’s just me. I don’t like that sort of attention.

Not even her (and all the kids) godfather, my husband’s brother, bothered to come to her baptism.

I think I’m reading this right, but your daughter’s godfather did not attend the baptism of said daughter?

How does that work? Do they allow that?

 

[Jordan719]

We had our third three months ago, unplanned as we are open to life. Her family was very negative, even her father who is Catholic. It is so very sad. We always joke around at family gatherings that we intend to have a child for each apostle (12). People just glare at us, but its okay. My wife homeschools the children as well.

 

[Armyvet007]

We always joke around at family gatherings that we intend to have a child for each apostle (12).

Oh that’s a good one. I’ll have to add it to my arsenal.

 

[MrsFlapjack]

Thanks so much for all your replies. I knew I couldn’t possibly be the only going through this. God Bless!

 

[admonsta]

We have six and are constantly asked “Are you done now?”

My children’s grandfather told me that I should have stopped earlier - I’d like to know which of his grandkids should not exist according to him.

 

[airforcefamily]

I think I’m reading this right, but your daughter’s godfather did not attend the baptism of said daughter?

How does that work? Do they allow that?

If a godparent isn’t able to attend someone else can stand in, at least in that parish. He still wanted to be her godfather but didn’t make much of an effort to be there. We didn’t have anyone else so he stayed as the godfather. With four fifth the chosen godmother couldn’t make it so we explained that we would find someone else. My husband’s side of the family isn’t Catholic (his dad converted) so we only have my side which has lots of women but not many men. It’s easier to find godmothers than godfathers. We would have chosen a friend as a godfather for our fourth but we never live anyplace very long and we weren’t comfortable with one of the godparents being someone that child would seldom or never see after a few years.

 

[airforcefamily]

That’s because the rules of the rest of society don’t really apply to military families. Military benefits scale with family size such that each additional kid is largely financially neutral. Larger families are entitled to larger houses, medical is totally free no matter how many dependents or how many times you go to the doc, etc.

Non-military families actually have to think about how they are going to make room for the additional kid, how they are going to pay for the delivery out of finite resources, etc.

I think there is something to that. Healthcare is always no cost to military families no matter how many people use it. That initial cost of having a baby is a non issue for military families.

Food is also a bit less expensive. Military bases have commissaries, grocery stores where everything is sold at cost. There is a percentage fee as well to cover the cost of the building and the people who work there. For the same I would spend off base I can get very healthy food, fresh produce and decent cuts of meat, at the commissary. We could spend much less if we needed to.

Housing is changing as it’s privatized. Most on base neighborhoods are now leased out to private companies who run them. They now charge based on the house and larger families have to pay more if they want a larger house (assuming one is available). Right now all seven of us are crammed into a 1600 sq ft, three bedroom house. If we want a larger house not only do we have to wait out a two year long waiting list but we have to pay more as well.

All expenses, besides healthcare, are the same. We have to pay as much as anyone else for Catholic school or homeschooling, clothing, and so on. We also have lots of travel expenses since we live far away from family. We can stay in lodging at military bases if it’s available and close by our travel route but we have to get two rooms so it costs the same as one regular hotel room. If we take an overseas assignment they will get us there at the beginning of the assignment and home again at the end of it but we will have to cover any other travel. We could be as far away as Japan and have to choose between not seeing our families for two years and paying thousands of dollars for seven plane tickets.

There’s also other expenses for large families. With my husband away and so many little ones to care for I hire a maid to come in twice a month to help keep the house clean. When we lived where we had a fence and had mow that part of the yard ourselves I had to hire someone to come mow it. I bought a deep freezer so I could makes meals ahead of time to eat while he’s away. When several of the kids and I are all sick we’ve purchased plane tickets for family members to come help. I’ve hired babysitters just to have a an hour a week to myself or get housework done. There’s a lot of expenses that come with being alone with a bunch of kids and away from your family while your husband is out of the country.

 

[maryjk]

There’s also other expenses for large families. With my husband away and so many little ones to care for I hire a maid to come in twice a month to help keep the house clean. When we lived where we had a fence and had mow that part of the yard ourselves I had to hire someone to come mow it. I bought a deep freezer so I could makes meals ahead of time to eat while he’s away. When several of the kids and I are all sick we’ve purchased plane tickets for family members to come help. I’ve hired babysitters just to have a an hour a week to myself or get housework done. There’s a lot of expenses that come with being alone with a bunch of kids and away from your family while your husband is out of the country.

When your husband is away, you don’t get separation pay? And depending on how long he is gone, a sponsor? I know that it used to be that way.

 

[airforcefamily]

We get $250/month of family separation pay but it doesn’t go very far. One visit from a maid is $80. Two and a half hours of babysitting is $40. It sounds like a lot of money but it works out to just over a dollar a day per person. Not to mention we have save up for a larger vehicle. One more baby and we won’t be able to fit in our minivan

 

[Musician]

When your husband is away, you don’t get separation pay? And depending on how long he is gone, a sponsor? I know that it used to be that way.

HA! Are you joking? We went years living in strange places overseas while never seeing my husband. I wish the military DID offer separation pay.

 

[etmom]

we have 6 children, not overly large, but our oldest is 25 years old, our youngest was born last June. We know many large families, but not with as big of age span as we have.

People have been downright incredulous and rude for the most part. “why would you want to start over again?” “don’t you want to retire?”. Even from other apparently staunch Catholic families “I would never have a baby at your age” or “I just couldn’t imagine going through all THAT again” or “there comes a point when you have to make your own decisions, without the Church” to one of my OB/GYNS who was pushing sterilization after the birth of my youngest “I’m Catholic too, but…”

We own a modest home, and are able to take care of our family.

What ever happened to “congratulations! A new baby, what a blessing!”

 

[Usige]

we have 6 children, not overly large, but our oldest is 25 years old, our youngest was born last June. We know many large families, but not with as big of age span as we have.

People have been downright incredulous and rude for the most part. “why would you want to start over again?” “don’t you want to retire?”. Even from other apparently staunch Catholic families “I would never have a baby at your age” or “I just couldn’t imagine going through all THAT again” or “there comes a point when you have to make your own decisions, without the Church” to one of my OB/GYNS who was pushing sterilization after the birth of my youngest “I’m Catholic too, but…”

We own a modest home, and are able to take care of our family.

What ever happened to “congratulations! A new baby, what a blessing!”

We were in a similar situation, but with a little narrower gap. Our oldest two are 17 and 14 and then 4, 2, and 2 months. When I had a reversal and then we conceived our third people were a little incredulous. When we announced my wife was carrying our fifth her father said “You really need to stop now.” Even my mother who had five of us asked if this was our last one. Of the roughly 12 family members we told, exactly one said “Congratulations, I am so happy for you.”

I love when people point out that I will be around 60 when my (current) youngest is an adult. When they ask “how are you going to retire?” I tell them “surrounded by a huge family that loves me.”

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

We had our fifth… It was emotionally painful to tell some people. Others have been openly supportive but then we hear from others that they think we’re nuts. Many people have commented on how I’m “wasting my degree” or that I could be “living my life” instead of just taking care of kids, as though it’s less than great profession.

I think each child is just as special as the others but I don’t think some people see it that way.

With our first child everyone was over the moon thrilled. A few even cried with joy when we told them. She/we received dozens of cards that we’ve kept in her memory box. People sent flowers when I was in the hospital and we ended up stressed out from visitors and had to ask a few relatives to wait until we had time to visit with them.

With our second everyone was still very happy for us. Our fist two are only 15 months apart so I understand that there were comments of “wow, already?”… Our second being a boy many people just assumed we were done having kids since “I got my girl and my husband got his boy”. …told me she was happy that we had one of each so we could stop. There were flowers in the hospital again but not as many visitors, cards, or gifts (we didn’t need or expect anything but it’s nice to get a call or card to say congratulations).

With our third most everyone assumed he was a mistake (he was joyously welcomed) and said as much. There were no flowers, a few cards and a gift or two…

With our fourth people started saying negative things and worrying how we would afford to raise all the kids. The third and fourth are 18 months apart. … Being a girl I think some people assumed we were definitely done and we would have something permanent done to make sure since the family was boy/girl balanced again.

With our fifth…

When we go out in public we get lots of looks. Some people smile, some ask if they’re all mine, some just say “you sure have your hands full”, some stand still while their eyes dart around counting, and some offer to help or just jump right in a corral the toddler who ran off or make silly faces for the crying baby.

I erased the parts that were not applicable to me, but I could have written a lot of what you wrote (except our 5th was a boy). I’m not sure if announcing #4 was the toughest… there was silence at the end of the phone line with some family, or #5… I am lucky my mom is supportive, though. I think I am growing thicker skin, I don’t think I would be as scared to share about #6 if we are ever blessed with #6 (well, maybe if we are, it will bring up the same feelings I had with dreading to tell some people of our last ones, not because they were not wanted or loved, but because I didn’t want to deal with their reactions). Honestly, I am realizing some people really don’t get it, and it is understandable, with the way society is, so I think that helps me deal with people not sharing our happiness.

 

[maryjk]

HA! Are you joking? We went years living in strange places overseas while never seeing my husband. I wish the military DID offer separation pay.

Um, they do, or at least they did. If you were unaware, I am sorry.

I know my dad got extra pay if he was away for 30 days or more. AND when he went “remote” he got double housing. If effect they put him up in the barracks and we still kept our house on base back home. Same thing for my brother in law, when he was “out at sea.” And checking with my nephew, it works the same way for him, when he is gone.

As far as I know, that is for all branches. (I only KNOW about the Air Force and Navy.)

Now it doesn’t pay for much. But it is suppose to cover what your spouse might do around the house or extra expenses you incur because your spouse is gone. You know, stuff like hiring the local teen to cut the grass or hiring a babysitter for a couple of hours because you have a doctor’s appointment.

I am surprised you haven’t heard of it.

 

[MrsFlapjack]

We were in a similar situation, but with a little narrower gap. Our oldest two are 17 and 14 and then 4, 2, and 2 months. When I had a reversal and then we conceived our third people were a little incredulous. When we announced my wife was carrying our fifth her father said “You really need to stop now.” Even my mother who had five of us asked if this was our last one. Of the roughly 12 family members we told, exactly one said “Congratulations, I am so happy for you.”

I love when people point out that I will be around 60 when my (current) youngest is an adult. When they ask “how are you going to retire?” I tell them “surrounded by a huge family that loves me.”

My husband is in the same boat you are. There is a ten year age difference between him and I, so he will be 60 also when our new baby is grown. I was young when we got married and this is a potential problem that just never occurred to me. My grandmother told me soon after we got married that we shouldn’t worry about it. Ten years isn’t really that big of a gap; her father was 15 years older than her mom.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

For the most part, poorly.
-“You know what causes that right?”
-“How many kids do you plan to have?”
-“You going to do something about it?”

For the most part I ignore them or turn the tables on them and make them the uncomfortable ones.
**
-“Yes I know what causes it. Are you asking for some professional tips? I notice you only have 1 child.”**
]

HAHA! I love that response! I don’t have any kids yet. When we do have kids I expect my husband and I will have several. I **have **to save that response somewhere. I know I will use it one day.